Sunday, July 21, 2019

The Villain in Love

It’s official

I have swiveled
For the last time

Please take in--

My new chair

Advanced technology
A headset
And a cupholder
That keeps my drink cold

Ladies and gentlemen,
I’m in love

Oh, and also--

I got married

Her name is Villainess
And she’s, some would say,
An even better villain than I am

Those who would say that
Have also been hit by my stun gun
And eaten alive by my koala bear
John Tesh Jr

John Tesh Sr. is fine, no worries
He’s simply retired
So I’ve enlisted his son
In terrorizing do-gooders
And their ilk

I need the extra help
Now that I’m planning a wedding

Yes, I’m about to become
An honest antagonist

I hope nobody tries
To make the world a better place
Between now and next June
Because I’ll be busy
Deciding which cover band
Is going to be playing at my reception

Every lesser villain on the planet
Will be attending

Mr. Nasty
Ms. Nasty
Captain Nasty
The Nasty Bunch

I can’t invite all of the Nasty Bunch
Because I’m never quite sure
Who’s in the group
At any given time
But all the founding members
Will be there
When I tie the knot

As for whether or not
I’ll continue my villain-ing
After I’m wed
The fiance and I have already decided
That we’ll take turns
Destroying the world

Actually I’ll be taking
The first three turns
Since the prevailing wisdom is
That she’ll probably succeed
Whereas I’ll always be foiled
So it makes more sense
For me to be the stay-at-home bad guy
While she supports my passion
With her day job
Selling high-quality term papers
To high school juniors

And if you think it takes smarts
To steal the largest diamond in Croatia
Try writing an AP History paper
On James Madison
And not having it be a total snooze

That woman is just full of surprises

She can torture secret agents
She can explain Bitcoin
She can diagram a sentence
It’s like I’m marrying Leonardo da Vinci

Will it take away my edge?


Having someone to lose
Never made anybody
More reckless
But it does give me motivation
To avenge my fallen love
Provided she dies tragically
Which she won’t
Because, frankly,
She’s pretty indestructible

I have a sneaking suspicion
She’s half-cyborg
But I’m too scared to ask
Because whenever I question her about anything
She threatens to send me
To the Joy Room

It’s a place in our lair
With pictures of puppies
And adorable babies

More than five minutes in there
And you won’t want to commit a heinous crime
For weeks

It’s a nightmare

And not the fun kind
Where you dream
That someone’s removing your fingernails
With those pliers
You can only get
In South Korea

It’s cruel of her
But sometimes tough love
Is the best kind of love

And my girl?

Oh, she’s as tough

As they come

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Paulina's Summer Resort

Greetings horny people!

Welcome, welcome
To Paulina’s
Summer Sexy Resort
Home of Dirty Pig Men
And Women Who Make Choices
That Might Be Bad
But Who Can Say

We don’t put all that on the sign
Because Americans charge
By the letter
Greedy capitalist flukava’s

But is no worry to me
Because we have beaches
And pools
And seaweed treatment
Using seaweed
From non-polluted part of sea
So no more rashes
And one-star reviews on Yelp

The spa will also use the wax
To clean up booshnita
If young, ambitious woman
Like that for herself
But no pressure
Is new age
No more judgmental Paulina
Just happy resort-owner
Who looks the other way
When ladies putting their
Bosnova’s in faces
Of men
And shake shake shake
Like how interrogator does
To neck of Moscow dissident

Paulina used to own porn palace
But is era of terror
For perverts and gonzos
So there goes half of Paulina’s
Customer base

This means pivot for business narrative
And new professional growth opportunities
Plus loan with low interest rate
That I was able to acquire after reminding
A certain Commander-in-Chief
That I have video of him
Doing things on mini-golf course
In St. Petersburg
That should never see light of day

Now here I am!

Owner of fifth most popular vacation spot
In Southwest Louisiana

Number of possum attacks
Down to four a day

Does not get snazzier than this
I can assure you

Plus--is summertime
Which means students
From universities
Giving each other
All the various minor diseases
That Paulina can then cure
For a fee
In my newly renovated
Antibiotic-over-the-counter room

Here in America
Your doctors so stingy
With medicines

Back home
You get sick
They give your morphine first
Ask questions later

This why we all so happy
Even though temperature
Never goes above
Negative twenty

These students, I tell you
They keep me young
Because they stay so drunk
They confuse Paulina
For college RA
Always yelling at them
For heating up fish sticks
In hotel microwave

RA must stand for
Rarely Amused
Because I am always frowning
At these boys from place called Frat
Always smooshing their pinunu’s
Up against my lobby windows

But nobody said
Running business would be easy

At least here
When you operate beachfront property
You no required to host annual
Sandcastle Competition
To see who can make one
Look just like Putin’s Summer Castle

All we do is wet t-shirt contest
But because Paulina running
Classy establishment
We use wool sweaters
Instead of t-shirts
And you get it wet
By sweating through it

Is so sexy
I cannot stand it

Neither can anyone else
Which is why attendance
Has been so poor
At last four contests

Sexuality is so complicated
But lucky for Paulina
Excessive alcohol intake
Is still as American as
Apple pie and compromised electoral system


I make more money on booze
Then I ever made on sex toys
So I put bars everywhere

On beach
Next to pool
In bathrooms

You want vodka
Next to your toosh-poosh?
You got it!

We all need escape
From daily lives
Of horror
And no good news
And pictures of pinunus
Nobody asked for

Is nice to sit by water
Stare off at horizon
And wonder how long
Before hot hot planet
Gives us all
To the waves

Is so morbid

Just like how Grandmama
Liked all her vacations

She’d sometimes look at me
And say--

‘Paulinita, who needs to be relaxed
When you can be depressed’

No worries

I have happy pills
Next to the antibiotics
In my over-the-counter room

Pills everywhere
And nice marble counter
From which to put
Them over

Trust me

Is very sexy