Sunday, April 5, 2020

How A Woman Robs A House

A woman takes her time
She’s not in a hurry

Hurry brings attention
Even when nobody’s looking

Preparation is where
You live or die

How much you prep
Depends on whether or not
You get caught

A man might rush it
Might want to get the ball rolling
Might think it’s safe to try
When the family’s out to dinner
Rather than on vacation
Or at the bowling alley
For a few hours

A woman doesn’t take a chance
On a one-hour in-and-out fiasco
Where there won’t be any time
To check the crawl spaces
And the hiding places
Where all the good items are

A man breaks a window
He jimmies a door open
Goes around back

Women don’t do this
They’re audacious
They have to be
The sneakier they are
The more it reads
From the house across the street
Or the window of the nosey neighbor
With nothing better to do
Than spy on her neighbor’s house

A woman parks her car
Right in front
Gets out
Dressed nicely
A good heel is crucial
And a big pocketbook

No sunglasses
They’re off-putting
And you want to look
Professional
But not pushy

Like a realtor
So that if someone sees you
They’ll think--

‘I didn’t know the Watermans
Were thinking of selling?’

But that’s all they’ll think
Before they go back
To whatever puzzle
They were doing
Or show they were watching

A woman walks right up to the spot
Where the family keeps their spare key
Retrieves it
And lets herself in

It’s usually taped underneath
A fake rock or a flowerpot
And prep work tells you
That it’s going to be there
And anyone watching
Would assume that no burglar
Just walks up to a secret spare key spot
And uses it to let themselves in

This is a woman, not a burglar
She has a purpose
She’s got something to do
She is allowed inside this house

Turn the lights on
Once you’re inside

Turn them all in
If there are windows
Good

If there are curtains
Open them

Audacity is the only way
You walk out of here
Without handcuffs on

Do not steal anything
For the first ten minutes
You’re inside the house

Instead, walk around
Walk in front of windows
Survey the place
As though you left
Something valuable here
And are only now
Able to come back for it
If only you knew where it was

Anybody peering in at you
Will become bored rather fast
Because you don’t have any make-up on
And you’ve made yourself look very plain
So why would anybody stare at you
For very long

Finally, once you’ve wasted plenty of time
Hoist exactly ten items out of the house
And nothing you can’t fit
In that giant pocketbook of yours

You’ve done your homework
So you know what your ten items will be
Mostly jewelry
And no credit cards
Or anything traceable

Nothing belonging to the kids
Because you’re not a monster
And be sure to leave a note
Letting the family know
You won’t be back
So once they get their insurance
They can sleep easy

You’re not in the business
Of terrorizing people
Just making money

You’re of the Catwoman lineage
You’re almost royalty
And as you walk out
Smile at nobody in particular
Just the last remaining neighbor
Who was still watching
For lack of anything better to do
But who sees nothing
Except a woman pleased about--

Well, who can say?

Women are so hard
To figure out, aren’t they?

Best not to think
Too much

About it

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Dear Bert

Dear Bert,

I’m writing to you from the window
Where we so often sat

Gazing at the denizens
Of this street we call Sesame

Open, open
We would beg our hearts
And yet
They submitted
Refusal after refusal

Many was the night
Where I would get into my tiny bed
Praying that your oval-shaped head
Would swivel my way

That long line of a mouth
Absent lips
Would break apart
And beg me
To give you the warmth
Of my affection

But alas
Twas not to be

For as Shakespeare
Kept his lovers at odds
Til comedy’s end
We would find ourselves
Like the characters of his tragedies
Begging for another fate
But knowing ours is of
The predetermined sort

I’m writing this letter
Knowing
That as quill dips to paper
You, yourself
Are dipping your toes
Into unwelcome water

For while Ms. Dawn
May be blossoming into a young woman
And catching the eye
Of many on the street
We both know that her prairie
Is not the one
That shall drive your heart west

Why has her heart settled on yours
Other than the cruelty of intention

She snarls at me
And thinks I do not see

Just the other day
We were working our way
Through the Lord’s alphabet
When I felt a strange heat
Upon my backside
And lo, it was a cigarette
Clenched by the claws
Of that maven little moppet

She swore it was an accident
And that she’s been
Meaning to quit
But I knew no such truth

Her marble eyes
Are the only honest thing
About her
And as our friend would say--

She only has one, ONE thing
On her mind

--And it’s envy

She wants you Bert
All for herself

That’s why you’ve vacated
Our spot of comfort
In this hurtful world

You said that it’s only natural
For roommates
To separate eventually

So many jabs
It was as though
I found myself
In a fencing match

Natural
Roommates
Separate

Tell yourself all the fairy tales you like, Bertram
But we both know that you could never be happy
With that pixie stick
And her high-pitched prattling

You may as well check yourself
Into the nearest trash can
And resign your spirit
To that of a garbage-grasping
Misanthrope

Perhaps the world will you find you funny that way
But I never will

I’ll miss you
And you conical expressions

That adorable winged-rodent dance you do
And the way you try and convince me
That you’re cross with me
When we both know
It’s passion, not frustration
That makes you cry out in the night
As the sheep are escorting you
Out of our bedchamber

Dear Bert, I fear my heart
Will never know another
But I have to try

I’ve invited a comedian over tonight
To tell me jokes
And attempt to lift my soul
From its barren despair

Oh, he’s nothing like you

For one thing, he’s a bear
And technically
He belongs to a different division
But now isn’t the time
For brand awareness

Now is the time for love

At least--for me

Farewell, my dearest

I hope you find peace
Somewhere far, far down
The street

And may the sunny days
Sweep all your clouds away

I can’t tell you
How to get to where you’re going
But I hope you make it there

All the same