The Kevin Broccoli Blog

What the Doctors Told My Mom

2012-01-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

The doctors told my mom
I'd have trouble

That or I'd be trouble
I can't remember which

They said I'd be a handful
So maybe trouble
Maybe they said I'd be trouble
And, by way of being trouble
I'd have trouble
As would she, of course
For having to deal with me

That was the expression that always set her off

People asking--'How do you deal with--?'

It would make her incredibly angry

My mother lost two children
And then had me

She was so happy
The idea of me being something
She had to 'deal with'
Was lunacy to her
And later on, it became so to me
Although I didn't blame the doctors
They were just trying to warn her
About the Maybe's

There were a lot of Maybe's

Maybe I wouldn't talk
Maybe I wouldn't hear
Maybe I wouldn't be able to understand

That would be the scariest one, of course

You can hear and talk and see and think and articulate
And elaborate and describe and delineate, I suppose

But to never be able to understand
Or to make yourself understood
Well...

That would be the ultimate darkness, it seems

The doctors told my Mom
She and I might pass by each other
Our entire lives
Never quite seeing
Eye-to-eye

But a mother understands her child
Before the child understands itself
And so despite them telling her about the Options
The Options for me
For when I was born

For when I could be brought somewhere
Taken somewhere
Where I could be cared for
By people who also wouldn't understand me
But would at least be all right with not understanding me
My mother understood enough
To tell all those doctors to--

Well, I shouldn't repeat it
It isn't the nicest choice of words

Suffice it to say--

The doctors told my mother something
And my mother told the doctors something

And the doctors went away
And then it was my mother and me

And things were hard
And they were always hard
And that's what I want to say
That this isn't a 'The doctors were wrong' story

At least, not completely
They were not
Completely
Wrong

But there is something they were wrong about

I'm standing here at my mother's funeral
Talking about her
And as I do

I see my son sitting in the front row

A son I'm sure the doctors expected
I'd never be able
To have or care for

Granted, they know more now
Than they do then

These were Then doctors
Not Now doctors

Now doctors understand more
Than Then doctors did

But...

I look at my son
And I understand something about my mother

And I understand
That she probably always understood me

And that's why she took me home
And that's why she fought past the hard
And the difficult

And that's why I can stand here now
And speak so eloquently about her

She taught me to speak
She taught me to listen
And she taught me how to make myself be understood

How she did all that
I'll never understand

But hopefully
I'll take my son home with me today
And with each day that goes by
I'll understand
A little more

And a Doorbell Rings

2012-01-31T20:35:00.000-08:00

The clock tocks
It ticks
And tocks
And makes us aware
That the hour is here
Not near anymore, but here

We hear it
Tick tock
The clock declares
It's tick tock time

Tick tock

The steps creak
The doors close
The windows shut

The house knows what's coming
The house knows what's what

And somewhere, a book
Has been finished and shut

And a doorbell rings

The brass knobs turn
And the cupboards go bare

The wax on the floor
Seems to dry up
And crack

The walls close out
Then pull out
Then move down

The neighborhood's soft
The neighborhood's good
The neighborhood only notices
What the neighborhood should

And somewhere nearby
There's a church with a bell
And it knows something's up

But the church bell
Won't tell

The slippers are soft
The drawers are full
The clothing is comforting
Made of cotton and wool

The bassinet's empty
And will be for awhile
The home's been redone
In a more modern style

And a doorbell rings
And rings, and rings

The lawn outside grows
At a startling pace

The sprinklers sprinkle
Blue water and lace

There isn't an attic
Or basement
Or places that would seem
To harbor a monster
That's harbored in dreams

But the monster isn't inside, you see?

The monster can only get so far

The monster's always outside
Waiting at the door

Waiting to be let in

And a doorbell rings
And a doorbell rings
And a doorbell rings

And for some reason
Nobody knows

Someone goes
And opens it

And says--'It's you'

Then steps aside
To let you in

A Message from the Principal

2012-01-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

Hello Students!

This is your principal
Mr. Pattenwhit
Informing you that school has been cancelled for the day
Because, well, it's just too darn nice out to be in school!

Hang out, the Vice-Principal
Is trying to muscle his way into my office
So he can try and convince me
That learning is more important than living

We have disagreements about things, students
Me and Mr. Fugit
But here's what you have to remember

A Vice-Principal is the bad cop
To every principal's good good
And Mr. Fugit is a very good bad cop
But today, it is just too nice
To have a bad cop at all
Today, all cops should be good cops
Even Los Angeles cops

So, why am I in such a good mood, you might ask?
Why am I suddenly so willing
To let all of you escape your classes
And go frolicking into the fields
Behind the science building
Where we found those six dead raccoons last year?

I'll tell you why

Because I'm in love

I'm in love with Microbiology teacher, Ms. Stanadan

Ms. Stanadan is moderating Study Hall right now
So would everyone in Study Hall please stand up and applaud her?

Go ahead
Stand up and cheer for her
Because she is a remarkable woman
With gorgeous legs

Cheer for those legs, students
Give them their due

Last night, Ms. Stanadan and I
Went on our first date
And it was love, students
It was pure love
From the minute we sat down at the Olive Garden
To the second we pulled out of our respective parking spots
At Pinkberry

Yes, last night was a culinary adventure
But it was also a journey of two souls
Finding each other
Amidst breadsticks
And cherry vanilla yogurt

After last night
Coming into work this morning just seemed...wrong

Who can possibly sit around
In this dull, gray, sad building
Weighted down by all this knowledge and education
When right outside
There's a whole world to explore?

So I release you children
Just like Lincoln released the slaves

As a matter of fact, it's exactly like Lincoln releasing the slaves
Not an ounce different

They were given freedom
And I'm giving you all
The freedom to love

You know, when my wife left me
I never thought I'd know true happiness again

And so I made my life my work

I came in early
I wore ugly ties
I gave out extra detention when most of you didn't deserve it

I was a jerk

But I'm a jerk no more

As soon as you're all out of the building
I'm handing in my resignation
And that'll be the last you see of me and Ms. Stanadan
Because we'll be running away to Niagra Falls
Which is a place you won't learn about in your Geography class
Because it's a lust-filled Wonderland

And hopefully, one day
You'll get to experience it for yourselves

I'll miss you, students
But remember this
The last time you'll hear my voice

Telling you to go
Telling you to run
Telling you that there are some things on this Earth
You just can't learn in school

Oh, and by the way--

Anyone auditioning for the Drama Club's production of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" should bring sixteen bars uptempo and be prepared to dance.

Thank you

Dust

2012-01-30T16:02:00.000-08:00

Just come and sit for a second
I want to talk to you

Don't worry about getting your pants dirty
They're pants

If God wanted them to stay clean
He would have had us
Wear them on our heads

Even there, things get dirty
Your hair's always dirty, isn't it?

Mine was too
When I was your age

When you're a kid
All you want to do
Is find dirt to play in

When you get older
You don't need to look for dirt

Dirt comes looking for you

See that man down there?

Walking up this way
In his nice suit
With a stack of papers in his hands?

That man's never looked bad in his life
But trust me
He's as dirty as they come

Some people are just better
At hiding their dirt
Than others

When he gets a little closer
I'm going to fire a shot at him

I'm not going to shoot him
I'm going to try not to shoot him
Which, considering his size
Is actually going to be more of a challenge

He'll run off
And come back with police
And they'll take me away
And take you
Who knows where

That's if we were to stick around
Which we're not

I guess my brother
And that wife of his
Have stopped drinking long enough
To decide that--

Yes, they would like a son to raise

And my little baby-sitting job for them is over

Well, all I have to say to that is--

You're six years too late

Now, I want you to sit here with me for a minute
Just before I fire this gun

And then everything's going to be different

So let's just enjoy this moment

You in your nice, clean pants
Me and the house I built from scratch
And that man down there
Who thinks he's coming
To take you away from me

Just sit and listen to it

That great 'before'

Before everything
Turns to dust

The Unprofessional Therapist

2012-01-30T15:44:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness!

Is that what you've been waiting to tell me

Holy fuck

I'm sorry, but--my God!

Jesus

That is messed up!

I mean, I know I've only been treating you
For eight months
But seriously
I did not see that coming

My God, you should brace people
Before you just unleash something like that

I am stunned

I mean, I am really stunned

I don't even know what to say

Write it down?

No, no, trust me
I don't need to write it down
It's seared in my brain

Besides, this notebook doesn't really have anything valuable in it anyway

It's mostly just doodles

See, this is one of you
In a puppy costume
Doing jumping jacks

Cute, right?

I have to do stuff like that
Or I go nuts listening to all this stuff

Especially the kind of stuff you just told me

Man, I have GOT to tell somebody else about this

It's cool though
I'll just change your name or something

I'll call you Bobo

How does that sound?

Wow, you are really twisted

I've treated, like, serial killers and stuff
I mean, I didn't know they were serial killers for sure
But I'm pretty confident that some of the people I've treated
Were sick enough to have killed people
In a serialized way

But even taking those patients into consideration
You are still, by far
The most warped example
Of a human being
I have ever met
In my life

And that's just based on what you told me
A second ago

Who knows what else is lurking up there
In that torture chamber
You call a psyche?

Man, I can't wait to keep working with you

It's like opening up a new Stephen King novel

Will there be monsters?
Will there be murderers?
Will there be a giant clown?

God, the adventure of it all!

So, let's keep going

Oh, and by the way
I'm going to take the gun out of my drawer
And just keep it in my lap, but--

Don't let that distract you

Remember

This is a palace
Of sensitivity

Carrie's Facebook Talks Her Down

2012-01-30T15:25:00.000-08:00

Carrie, I have to show you this

I have to show you this
Because I'm your newsfeed
And it's my job to show you
Anything that might upset you
Instead of you finding out in public
Where you'd have to feign apathy
While you silently dig your fingernails
Into the palm of your hand
To quell your fury

Carrie, Jack is engaged

Now, take a deep breath

I'm going to show you the update

It says--Jack is now engaged to--

Okay, and here's where
You really need to steady yourself
So I just need you to breathe
And relax
And think of--

It's Raquel
It's Raquel from college
Slutty Raquel who always called you Connie
He's marrying Raquel

Okay, now breathe
Breathe
Deep breaths
Very good

Carrie, just remember
There are lots of other guys out there
And Jack was an idiot anyway

You haven't even spoken to him in--

Hang on, let me bring up that last message
Where you called him a soulless Neanderthal
With a small--

Three years!

It's been three years

And you've moved on

Look, Scott from the office is poking you
Taylor the ski instructor is poking you
Your mother is poking you
Although I don't really think she understands what poking is

Oh! And look at this!

Chris from your gym
Just broke up with his girlfriend
It's a sign!

Wait, he now says he's interested in men

Well...New gay friend!

Yay! Right?

Oh, look at this
Your sister just posted a beautiful photo of your niece
And Sarah just posted on your wall saying she misses you
And your mother finally managed to tag that photo of you
Falling into your cousin's wedding cake

Look at the beauty of life
All here on your newsfeed

How can you possibly be upset
About that jerk getting engaged to--

Huh

Wow

Uh...

You know what I don't need to post everything that--

Well, it's a...

Um, uh...

It's an ultrasound photo

So...

Haha

Haha

Ha

Wow

Well hey--

At least we know
Why they're getting married

Ahead

2012-01-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

Ahead is the place
You gonna stay in the car?

You wanna come in
You can come in

I'm only gonna be a minute

What?

You don't want to come in?

Or you want me to get you something?

J. said he's got that stuff you like too
I can get you some
I got paid this week

What?

Fuck

Why do you do this?

Why do you do this
When we're pulling up
So I gotta stay in here
And talk to you
While J. stares at us
From out the window
Wondering what the fuck is going on

We do this every week
What's the problem?

Fuck, you know
If you're not going to talk
Just keep driving, okay?

Drive around the block or something

I'm not going to argue with you
In front of J's house
Like we're some fucked up married couple

I'm not doing that, all right?

So just keep driving

Whoa, whoa
I didn't mean like, dive away
Like, drive around the block
Or something
But like, drive slow
We said we'd be there by eight
It's almost eight
I keep him waiting
He says 'Fuck it'
And we're fucked for the week

Look, just park over here, okay?
Just park the car
Just chill, all right?

Jesus, what the fuck?

Don't talk to me about quitting now
Okay, not the fucking time
Not the fucking time at all

We get in the car
We drive for an hour
For a fucking hour

Now you wanna quit?

I can't fucking quit

You can because you're made of fucking steel
And ice and titanium apparently
But I can't fucking quit, okay?

I'm not made of the stuff you are

I've been doing it longer
I do more of it
I get it for us
I take the risk
I got you on it
That's how fucking bad I am

So no, I can't quit

Quitting is not in the future for me, okay?

You wanna quit
Stop the car
And I'll get out
And I'll walk to J's house
And I'll get my shit
And I'll find a dumpster somewhere
I can crawl behind
Because I'm not fucking scared, all right?

I'm not fucking scared of anything
Except what's gonna happen
If you drive away right now
With me in this car
Like I know you're thinking of doing

Don't fucking do it, okay?

I'm not kidding

Don't

You wanna talk about this
We'll talk about it
But we're getting the shit first
Because I can't talk
I can't fucking think breathe whatever
Until we get that taken care of, okay?

So pull up ahead
Park
And let me get out

After that if you wanna drive away
You drive away

Just get me to the door first

I'll take it from there

This Way to the Top

2012-01-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

This is the way you want to go
This is the way you want to step
This is the way you want to move
This is the way you want to speak
This is the way you want to chat
This is the way you want to converse
This is the way you want to confront
This is the way you want to collapse
This is the way you want to condone
This is the way you want, trust us

This is the way
To go

This is the way
You put on a tie
Practice a speech
Prey on the weak

This is the way
You get what you want
This is the way to the top

This is the way you pay the bills
This is the way you order steak
This is the new device you buy
This is the new kind of car you drive
This is the drink you drink
These are the things you think
This is all laid out for you
This is the way to the top

This is break that gets you in
This is the rope that keeps out chumps
This is the food that tastes better
This is the help you get for simple tasks
These are the interns for you to abuse
These are the drugs you're going to use
This is the way to the top

This is your someone
This is your other someone
This is your someone with benefits
This is your someone who knows someone
Who now is happy to know you
This is the way to the top

This is the staircase that leads to a door
That leads to a hallway
That ends at a window
That you should open one day
And look out of

And know that one day
You may
Be going
Out that window

Because, you see
Though it's lovely here
And we like it here
And you'll like it here
And we know you will

The thing about the top is--

There's little room
And little direction
And few goals
And less satisfaction

And the stairway is there
Tempting you to go
To go that last bit up
And see how high you are

And then see
What it is
You want
To do about it

Upon Awakening

2012-01-29T20:31:00.000-08:00

Upon awakening
I was told
That I'd been sleeping

That I'd be sleeping for a very long time

Beards had been grown

Not on me, of course
Thank goodness
But on others
And long beards too

Cartoon-ishly long beards

Upon awakening
My fingernails were in need of a trim
My hair was in need of cutting
My lips were chapped

So you see, I wasn't perfect
I had changed

Even lying perfectly still
I had changed

Upon awakening
I read poems
That were written about me

I had doctors
Place their hands on me
And pray
As if they were of the cloth
As opposed to people of science

I say people, but they were all men

Men with long beards

Beards that probably weren't there
When I first went to sleep

Dragons had disappeared
Giants were shorter
Sunlight was brighter

These were things I noticed

I didn't notice that I had developed an accent
An odd lilt, sort of British
That had come upon me while sleeping
And now refused to leave

It was strange, but not unpleasant
To be truthful, I encouraged it a little

Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I did

Upon awakening
My skin was fairer
And my lips, though chapped, were redder
My hair was blacker

I was more beautiful
Than I had been before
Although everyone insisted
That I had always been beautiful

Perhaps I had been
And I just hadn't felt it

How sad that would be

Upon awakening--

And I feel terrible saying this
But when I awoke

There was a part of me

That wanted to go back to sleep

Not because I hated what I found
When I woke up
But because...

I wasn't used to it

I wasn't used to being awake

And a part of
Just wanted
To go back

Into that floating nothingness

That anti-gravity

That sleep

A part of me just wanted
To change
And grow
And mature
And progress

In peace

In blissful
Silent
Peace

Inspiration, or A Naked Man

2012-01-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

It was really nothing, you know
I was just sort of strolling through the garden
Thinking about writing

I find I think about writing so much
That by the time I finally sit down to write
All the excitement's gone out of it, you know?

Sort of like I use all the energy of it up
While it's still in my head

Anyway, that's not the story
The story is the man

The man was standing naked in the garden
Stock still, right there in the garden
And of course, it arrested me
Quite immediately
And I found myself frozen
As if I'd encountered a lion
Or some other exotic species
That might attack
If provoked

He was--

Well, I'd never think to describe a man this way
But he was quite...lovely

I mean, sort of like a statue, you know?

Very still
And very...elegant

His body created these perfect lines
And I thought to myself

Were I an artist
I would simply have to find a canvas
And begin painting him
But, of course, I've no talent for that
Only for writing
And I was without a pencil or pad
Which I suppose doesn't make me sound
Like a very good writer
Or, at least, not a very well-prepared one

I remember thinking--

I must commit this to memory
I must remember this moment exactly as it is
Although, for the life of me
I couldn't say why it seemed so important

After all, it wasn't the first nude form I'd seen
I do know about art, though I'm not an artist
And I've certainly seen--

But this was different

This was...

Something...natural

Natural and...beautiful
Truly, just...spectacular really

The man was sitting by the pond
Dipping his fingers
Just a centimeter below the surface

And it was like a Greek myth
Like Narcissus, gazing at his own beauty

And I was so worried
That I would forget it
This image

That I would fail to hold it in

Especially when the man turned around and saw me
Because the shock of it sent me running
And the next thing I knew
I was in my room

Ripping at the drawers of my desk
Looking for paper and ink and--

And it all came pouring out of me
For the first time
Intact
Just as I had wanted it

Perfectly represented on paper
And yet...

So much less

So much less than what it was

But, for writing, it was...

It was as near an experience
As one could communicate
Without actually living
That experience

But I felt sorry for my reader
Whomever it may be

Because the actual experience was--

Well...

It was quite wonderful

I don't know who the man was
Nobody seemed to know
About any man in the garden, but...

But I feel as if he unlocked something in me

Or rather, unblinded me

I feel able to see
In a way
I'd never been able to see before

To see and remember

It's a gift, you see
A great gift I've been given

And I'd like to thank him
But...

I suppose that's why authors dedicate their work

To honor the people
Who allowed them
To create it

The Fifteen People Telling Me to Move

2012-01-28T10:59:00.000-08:00

The fifteen people telling me to move
Plan on staying
So what the fuck?

They got every reason
I should go
And they're telling me
How sad they'd be
To see me leave
As they're putting their foot on my ass
Trying to get me out the door

And I say--I like it here
And they say--No, you don't
You don't like it here
There's nothing to do here

And I say--I find stuff to do here
And they say--Like what?
And I say--I hang out with you guys
And they look at me
Like I've insulted them

They tell me they're not going to be here much longer
But it's been awhile
A long time
Since any of them left
And they all came back
So what does that tell you?

What does that tell you
About the odds
Of going somewhere else
And sticking there
You know what I mean?

The fifteen people telling me to move
Use a hundred and fifty reasons
One for each of their fingers
And none for their toes

They list the reasons
Why I'm too good to stick around

Funny, I used to respect people
Who stuck around
But apparently
It's no longer
An admirable trait

They tell me I need to go somewhere
Where I can be appreciated
And I say--Well, you guys appreciate me, don't you?
And they say--No, no we don't.

They say--We don't respect you, is more what it is
We don't respect you
Because you're here
Because you're here and you're not going anywhere

Where are you going, man?
--They ask, shaking their heads

Where are you going?

The fifteen people telling me to move
Should be the fifteen reasons I love it here

But the more they talk
The more they convince me

That maybe I've got
No reason to stay

The Cruise

2012-01-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well we gained weight
That's for sure

The food is--

I mean, all you do is eat
That's all

Ken would eat with Mark
And I would stay with Nancy
And just, you know, relax
But then the boys would come back
And we'd all go out to eat again

So Ken and Mark really put on the weight
Although Nancy and I certainly got our share

Nancy is too funny
I mean, just too funny
You sit and talk with her
You feel like you're a comedy show
In the front row
And you're just getting some entertainment
Let me tell ya

She's a good time

Mark is, you know, nice too
He's more Ken's style
Slow and steady
That's the boys for you
Slow and steady

Of course, he WAS upset
After the--

I mean, how could you not be upset?
We were all upset
It was just--

Now, Ken gets mad when I say this
But I'm still holding out hope
That they'll find her

I mean, I just can't see her
Going over the edge

I mean, she certainly wouldn't have jumped
She wasn't, you know--not that way at all
The type to do something like that
That just wasn't her
She was always cracking jokes

Her and Mark would sit with us at dinner
And she'd just crack joke after joke
Oh, when she'd joke about Mark
Man, would she light into him
And he'd just sort of sit there
And not say anything
And then she'd start in
About how he wasn't saying anything
And he's such a push-over and--

Hahaha oh my god, she was a hoot

It's something I think about a lot
Because when I think about the fact that she might be--

Well, I like to remember what a nice time we had

Oh, and--

Because Ken gets mad when I talk about this
Because things are still open
And being, you know, investigated, or whatever
But I'm just talking about
What a nice time we had

And all that stuff about Mark is crazy anyway

He wouldn't have done anything to Nancy
And besides, Ken said he was with Mark
That whole night
Playing together in the casino
So there you go

There's your--what is it
The alibi

There's your alibi

Not that he needed one

Who would want to hurt Nancy?

She was just so funny
Always cracking jokes

Anyway, Mark has been so torn up about this
Obviously

You wouldn't know it from looking at him
But he is
He really is

So Ken and I are taking him
On another cruise last month
So he can gain back some of that joy he lost

Until they find Nancy
Which I'm sure they will

Until then, it'll be just me and the boys

Oh, they're already talking
And making plans
Every night
Whispering on the phone
Thinking I don't hear them

Hahaha they're so cute

And I sure could use
Another vacation

With my two favorite guys

Just the three of us

Doesn't that sound fun?

Other People's Cars

2012-01-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

While they played 'November Rain'
I was getting marks put on my neck
By a garage guru named Claude Thomas

He made you call him that
'Claude Thomas'--and he was a guru, I'm not kidding

He was the wisest person I ever met
And a terrible lover
And he could change your oil
While he dispensed wisdom
And did awkward things to your nipples

Sorry if I'm sharing too much
But this was the nineties
It was an entire decade
Of bad decisions

I dated people then
I wouldn't let valet my car now

That was part of the thrill

I'd look at a guy and think--

Wow, he looks damaged.

Remember when damaged
Was attractive?

I guess it still is
If you're young
And interested in knowing
What the San Diego police station is like
At three o'clock in the morning
On a Tuesday

Anyway, I was fooling around with Claude Thomas
The wise-yet-bad-in-bed mechanic
Which is sort of a misnomer
Because we never actually did stuff in a bed
We mostly hooked up
In other people's cars

And every time we did
He'd put 'November Rain'
In the tape deck

Which, now, today
Sounds ridiculously corny
And I'm totally aware of that
But--and I hesitate to say this
But I swear it's true--

At the time, it honestly seemed
To make this really unromantic situation
Seem incredibly romantic

Like, there were moments
When we'd be in the back
Of this jeep wrangler
And Claude Thomas would be, like, in ecstasy
Which meant he was quoting Sartre
And trying not to finish before I did
And 'November Rain' was playing
And I thought to myself--

And please keep in mind
I was young and stupid
But not any more stupid
Than your average young, stupid person

And still I thought--

'I should be with this man forever'

That's how effective 'November Rain' was on me
Back then

And--

And this is where I tell you
That this is not one of those stories
Where I tell you about some dumb guy I had sex with
And how I feel embarrassed about it now
Because I don't feel embarrassed
And this is not one of those stories

This is a story
About how great it is
How fucking great it is
To be young

And here's the proof:

I look back on that moment
That horribly cheesy moment
When I was having bad sex in a jeep
On a lift
In a garage
While Guns 'N Roses played in the background
And I still remember the entire thing
As being unbearably romantic

To this day
That song still makes me tear up

That's the beauty of being young

And it's okay that you don't appreciate it at the time
Because you're not supposed to

You're supposed to appreciate it later

When you think about it
And wonder why the hell
You still smile
When you do

Anymore

2012-01-28T07:54:00.000-08:00

I don't get that
Shaking feeling
That
Original issue
That
Dollar store depression
That
Wondering if I should be
Somewhere other than where I am
Anymore

I don't fear that
Inescapable pressure to
Progress further than
My predecessors did
And if I
Skid to a stop too soon
Well, I
Just gotta grab onto the balloon
And see how high I can get
Before the bubble pops

And I stopped
Eating after ten
Drinking before Friday
Getting pink tattoos
Gluing myself
Then trying to get unglued
Propping myself up
With nothing but attitude
But I don't do that
Anymore

I don't go out
I don't stay in
I don't pretend
I don't begin

To start things I can't finish
Or diminish my capacity
By trying to be a better me
When I can't even master
Going faster as I am

I used to tell the time
Now I find myself
Trying too hard
To come up with
Casual rhymes

So I don't bother
Anymore

I'm not a cheater
I'm not a chump
I got dumped three days
Before we were ready
To move in my stuff

I sold all my shit
And said I was proud of myself
And lied the proud lies

Of a health-on-the-outside man
And a shitty-on-the-inside fool

I used to feel cool
But not
Anymore

Hard to get the glue off now
Hard to feel anything
But drenched in the past
And even that won't last

Hard to know
What it is
That I was

Anymore

The Penguin Room

2012-01-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

"The thing about the room is--"
"Don't start."
"I'm just--"
"Don't start with me about the room."
"It's an entire room--"
"Don't stah-art."
"--filled with penguins."
"I love penguins."
"He loves them."
"Do you hear the disdain in his voice? As if there aren't worse things to love. Crack. Cholesterol. Coldplay."
"I love Coldplay."
"And do I criticize you?"
"Well, yes, you just did."
"What has Coldplay done for the world that penguins haven't?"
"I don't have an entire room in my apartment dedicated to Coldplay."
"God, what a bleak room that would be."
"We only have a two-bedroom apartment."
"Oh, here he goes--"
"And one of the bedrooms--"
"It's a tiny room. I don't know how you'd fit a bed in it."
"--has been given over to penguins."
"It's practically a closet. A closet with a window."
"Two windows."
"It's a nook, if anything."
"A penguin nook."
"It's a perfectly reasonable way of decorating a space."
"There is an entire wall dedicated to penguin shot glasses."
"They're whimsical."
"One of them has a seal eating a penguin."
"They're confrontational."
"We're not allowed to drink out of them."
"They're priceless."
"There's also the penguin chandelier."
"Nancy Reagan had one in the white house."
"No, she didn't."
"The certificate it comes with says she did."
"The certificate also calls the owner a 'Certified Penguin Poomba."
"I also have that on a badge."
"Then there are the stuffed animals..."
"A few stuffed animals--"
"Forty-seven penguins."
"Forty-five."
"Forty-seven."
"You can't count the triplets. They're stuck together."
"The penguin music boxes--"
"One plays 'Black and White' by Michael Jackson. It's a little literal for me, but I appreciate the thought."
"The penguin snow globes--"
"Well, that's just a necessity. What else would you put in a snow globe?"
"Anything. You can put anything in a snow globe."
"I'm sorry, but a penguin-less snow globe is just tacky."
"Whereas a snow globe with a penguin in it is a work of art."
"That's really all that's in the room."
"And?"
"And one or two other things."
"And?"
"Maybe one specific notable thing."
"And?"
"And...it's..."
"It's fortune-telling penguin machine."
"Like from the movie Big, except instead of a scary old woman, it's a penguin...and it tells your future."
"It's probably the most hideous thing that's ever been made in the history of the world."
"It's kitschy."
"It's also morbid."
"It's tongue-in-cheek."
"It told my sister she was going to die an old maid."
"It's eerily accurate."
"I would like the room back."
"Not gonna happen."
"We could use it as an office."
"Boring."
"A library."
"Pretentious."
"A home gym."
"Cliched."
"Or we could just leave it the way it is."
"I think someone's secretly fallen in love with the penguins."
"They haunt my dreams."
"That's how you know it's love."

It Happened Once

2012-01-27T14:26:00.000-08:00

It happened once

Only once

I mean, at one time
It only happened for this particular
Period of time
And it was...

You know, it was a little like--

Going over a waterfall
I just couldn't stop myself
I just couldn't--

I thought I was past the age
Where something like that
Could happen

I thought that I'd reach a certain age
And certain temptations
Would just go away

And so it snuck up on me
It did, it did
And I'm sorry

But it was so long ago now that--

I feel like I'm--

Like I'm apologizing for something
Somebody else did
Somebody I don't even know anymore

And I didn't have to tell you about it
I could have kept it to myself
I could have just let it go on and on

If you hadn't found out by now
What were the odds
You were ever going to find out?

But, and I know this isn't the right reason I should--

I didn't think you'd be mad
I really didn't
Because of what happened with you and--

And that was one time
And this was one time
And in the timespan
Of a long, long marriage
Two errors, two mistakes
Two periods of confusion
And uncertainty
Are not that bad, right?

I mean, think of the people we know
Who have always had it bad
Who make mistakes everyday
Who stopped loving each other years ago
And stay together now for who knows why

We're not those people
We're not constantly screwing each other up

We made mistakes
I made a mistake
Yes, we're talking about my mistake

But it's over
It's all over

And it was once

It only happened once

I know that it never happens to some people
I know that, but...

But we're not those people either

We're lucky but we're not perfect
I'm not perfect

You understand that, right?

You can get past a one-time thing, right?

You get all this, right?

Right?

...Right?

And Down the Falls

2012-01-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

A man goes down the Falls
And not in a barrel

He experiences water
He experiences weightlessness
He experiences the kind of fear
That becomes peace

He attempts to enjoy
The sensation of falling
But wonders if the fall will kill him
Or if the drowning will do it

He would not mind
Death by falling
As it seems poetic

But death by drowning
Is known to be unpleasant
And so he tries to concentrate
On hitting the surface of the water
Particularly hard
So as to end things then and there

On the way down
He has more time than he would have thought
To think about his life

But funnily enough
He can't seem to focus
On any one moment
Or event

Even his name
Seems to float away from him
With the intensity of the water
And the tenderness of the wet air

The spray on his face feels good
And how about that, he thinks

Who would have thought
That death could be so refreshing

He can't imagine that having a barrel
Would help his chances at all

Going down the Falls
Is like staring down a lion

Going down in a barrel
Would be like staring down a lion
With a handkerchief in front of your face
Convinced it will shield
Whatever is about to happen

When he reaches the bottom
He's not sure it is the bottom

They don't show you photos
Of the bottom
Of the Falls

Maybe they're afraid
It will take away
From the majesty
Of the crest

To see something so serene
With so much chaos
Being heaped onto it

Does he survive?

He feels like he wants to address you

He feels like he should call you 'Dear Reader'

Because you are a Dear

Do I survive the Falls, he asks himself
Knowing you're asking the same thing

And the answer is not an answer
But the non-answer is--

What would I do
If I did?

A Bird in My Sky

2012-01-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

Someone put a bird in my sky
And it ruined the sky
For a period of time

I was trying to paint the sky
And the sky dried up
For a short amount of time

Some of it fell
And some of it rained
And some of it simply disappeared

But the bird still flew
Through whatever was there
Not caring that it was ruining
My signature portrait

Because in my mind
I saw the sky
But I didn't see
A bird

In my mind
The sky was clear

So when it rained
I had to wait
And once it was done
The night arrived
And then I went to bed

And when I woke up
The sky wasn't quite
What I remembered it to be

And every time
I'd get my mind
Around what I was seeing

A bird would fly by
And unsatisfy
The image out of being

Now, this isn't a poem
About art
Or artists
Or vision
Or inspiration
Or muses
Or sight

This is simply a poem
About a bird
Destroying a work of art
With little regard
For what that could mean

Because a perfect sky
Is an awful thing to ruin
Simply because you feel
The urge to fly

I suppose I could have just
Painted the bird
But that wasn't what I saw

At least
Not in my head

And I don't plan to start
Simply painting
What I see with my eyes

What's so original
About that?

Camping with Mad-Libs

2012-01-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

Everybody at the mad-libs office
Decided to go camping
As part of our annual company retreat

Last year we all went to [A Famous Prison]
And got our photo taken with [A Character from 'Alice in Wonderland']
But we decided that this year
We wanted to get in touch with nature
Just like [Someone Who's Played James Bond]

As soon as we got to the campsite
Winnie and Mark got down to business

First, they put up the [Sexual Organ]
Then they got to work on [Euphemism for 'Making Love']
And after two hours they finally managed to [Way of Cooking a Chicken] their [Clothing Item]

It was pretty impressive

Everybody in the office
Had a great time
Being outdoors

We went swimming in the [Type of Nut]
Then hiking on the [What rhymes with 'Fee-But']
And riding horses all over the [Just say 'Peanut']

At one point, during the night
I was awoken by what sounded like [A Pop Singer] giving birth to [A Suffragette]
And of course I [Type of Dance]
Right out of the tent

What I saw made me yell--[A Line from 'Star Wars']
And then I yelled--[A Line from 'Clueless']
And because I couldn't stop yelling I yelled--[A Line from the Lifetime Movie 'She Said No!'...or you can just say 'She Said No!']

It turned out Mark was just showing off
Wrestling with a stuffed [Endangered Species]

But then the [Endangered Species]
Ate Mark

[Say 'He Deserved It']

Hahaha just kidding

Overall, the trip was a huge success
And we think next year
We might go to [City Outside of Providence]

But that's only if we get really brave!

To Be Prepared

2012-01-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

"Sir, we're calling about your insurance--"
"Yes?"
"You don't have any."
"Correct."
"You have to have insurance."
"Well, I have life insurance."
"We're talking about car insurance, sir."
"Oh right--that I don't have."
"Why not?"
"I don't need it."
"Sir, everyone needs car insurance."
"Wouldn't only people who get into accidents need car insurance?"
"Well--"
"In other words, bad drivers."
"Not necessarily, sir. If someone were to hit you--"
"Then their insurance covers it, right?"
"Well--"
"So I'm set."
"Well, that person might not have insurance."
"Then they'd be in big trouble, wouldn't they?"
"But that person could be you, sir."
"No, it wouldn't. I'm an excellent driver."
"Sir, that's not the point?"
"Shouldn't it be the point?"
"Sir, nobody is a perfect driver."
"I wouldn't say 'perfect,' but luckily you don't need to be perfect to avoid an accident."
"What if you were to skid on an icy road?"
"I avoid driving during the winter."
"What if a child ran in front of you and to avoid them you swerved and hit a pole?"
"I believe I'd be dead."
"You might not be."
"Well, then I'd have saved a small child. I'm sure whatever damage to my car would be well worth that."
"What if--"
"Are you saying I shouldn't try to avoid hitting the child?"
"Of course not."
"Then I'm confused."
"Sir, it's a law. You have to have insurance."
"You mean buy insurance."
"Well--"
"That's like making a law that says I have to buy bacon."
"Sir--"
"I'd like that law better. I'm a big fan of bacon."
"Sir, it's to protect you."
"Protect me?"
"Your...health."
"I see."
"So--"
"Is there a law against cigarettes?"
"No."
"Alcohol?"
"No."
"Fatty foods?"
"Sir--"
"And yet--"
"Sir, if you were to hit someone--"
"I--"
"Humor me: If you were to hit someone--"
"Then I would take care of that. Of whatever money would be--"
"Sir, repairing vehicles can be very expensive, and that's not even considering bodily harm."
"I'm very rich. I could afford it."
"Why not just afford insurance instead?"
"I believe the word is 'principle.'"
"Sir, it's illegal."
"So is speeding, but everyone does it."
"No, sir, everyone--"
"Do you?"
"What?"
"Do you speed?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Sir, this call is recorded."
"So you do speed?"
"No, I don't speed."
"Do you smoke?"
"Sir--"
"Do you drink?"
"I smell alcohol."
"Sir, you can't smell that over the phone."
"I was referring to my breath. I can smell alcohol on my breath. I've been drinking."
"Sir, I wouldn't drive."
"I can't drive."
"Of course not, you've been drinking."
"No, I can't drive, because I sold my car."
"You--what?"
"I sold my car. I don't plan on driving anymore. I moved to the city. I use mass transit."
"Sir, why didn't you just say that at the beginning of the call?"
"Do you work for the insurance company?"
"Yes."
"There's your answer. Have a great day."

How Many Planes?

2012-01-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

How many planes
Do you have to get on
And get off
Until you're somewhere
You wanna be?

How many places
Do you have to see
Until you're convinced
That you are
Where you should be?

How many bags
Do you have to check?

How many suitcases
Do you have to pack
And unpack
Until you're satisfied
That you're happy
And that you're not
Going back?

How many hotels
Or friends' couches
Do you have to wake up on?

How many times
Do you have to ask yourself
'Where am I?'
'Where am I now?'

How many books have you read
And not really paid attention to
Because you were too busy wondering
When you'd arrive
What you'd do
When you got there
And when you'd have stayed
A respectable amount of time
When you could leave again

And again
And again...

How many times
Do you have to say good-bye
Until you don't feel it anymore?

Until it becomes just another word
To toss out
To toss away
To toss through the window of a plane
Just to watch it fall

How many people
In so many places
Can you hurt
Without it coming back to hurt you?

And when will you stop?

Do you know that one day
You'll be too tired
To even board a plane?

And then what? --I wonder

Then what?

A train?
A car?
A bike?

What would you like
To ride on then?

And will anything go fast enough
I wonder

To take you away
From whatever it is
You're afraid of?

Can anything possibly
Go fast enough

To leave whatever that is
Behind?

We're Always Dead on Mondays

2012-01-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

"This isn't good."
"What isn't?"
"We're dead."
"We're always dead on Mondays."
"Mondays aren't the only days."
"Relax, we were packed last Friday."
"Not Saturday."
"It snowed!"
"You can't get by like that. Being busy one day a week? Do the math. It's no good."
"It's the same way everywhere. You act like we're in the middle of Manhattan. This is a small state. People don't go out during the week."
"Yeah, they do. They just don't go here."
"Well, where do they go then?"
"Nice places downtown. Not chain restaurants in the middle of the suburbs."
"Who can afford to go to nice places?"
"Rich people."
"On a Monday? Not even rich people can afford to go out to eat on a Monday. Nobody's that rich. Not anymore."
"I'm telling you; they do. Especially when it's nice out like tonight."
"When it's nice out, people do other stuff. They don't want to sit in some restaurant eating cheesy fries."
"You have an excuse for everything, you know that? They don't come because it's bad out. They don't come because they don't have money. They don't come because it's nice out. They don't come because it's a Monday. They're not coming because they're not coming. That's why they're not coming."
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm not sure how much longer corporate is going to want to keep us open."
"What?"
"We're not making money. What choice are they going to have?"
"They talked to you about this."
"No."
"Well then--"
"They don't talk to you about it. One day they call and you're shut down. That's it."
"But we won that award. It's on the--"
"Customer service. The customers we get, we service well. But we don't get that many. Quantity trumps quality."
"Quantity trumps quality? Are you kidding me?"
"The only other business near us is a fabric store. We're drowning."
"So what do we do?"
"We can't do anything. Things run their course. Businesses are no different."
"What about McDonald's? McDonald's hasn't run its course."
"It will--one day. Everything will."
"Pinkberry won't. That stuff is addictive."
"It's just ice cream. There will always be new ice cream."
"Maybe we should go that route. Have like--a sundae bar, or something."
"It won't matter. It's like--it's like chemistry. Either you have it or you don't, and we just...we just don't have it."
"So that's it?"
"We just wait for the call."
"And until...?"
"Clean the tables. Change the salt and pepper shakers. Have a drink at the bar. Relax. At this point, it's inevitable."
"So we just--"
"We just wait."
"Maybe tomorrow will be busier."
"Yeah...maybe it will."

Things We Shouldn't Talk About

2012-01-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

"How bad was it, Mom?"
"It was...bad. It was pretty bad."
"Did you show it to anyone?"
"No, god no."
"Do you think--"
"I just...got rid of it."
"You just threw it away?"
"No, I...I mean, someone could find it--"
"That's what I mean."
"--So I just...I ripped it all out. All the wires and things. And I burned them."
"You burned his computer?"
"What else could I do?"
"Still, Mom--"
"It was bad. It was..."
"Okay, okay. I just...fuck."
"Richard."
"Sorry. I...So...what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do we do now?"
"I'll talk to him."
"Oh...kay."
"What?"
"What else?"
"I'll...see if I can...find a doctor or something. A therapist."
"A therapist? You're going to send him to therapy?"
"Well, Richard, he needs help."
"No, I know. Clearly, he needs help, but--that just seems--kind of...minor. I mean, for what this is."
"I should have sent him to therapy after your father left anyway. That's probably where a lot of this stems from."
"Mom, this doesn't stem from divorce. I'm, you know, I don't..."
"I know."
"And neither do a lot of other people whose parents got divorced, so--"
"I'm just saying, he could have used some help. Clearly."
"Yeah, clearly."
"So, we'll get him help."
"But, don't you think, I mean--"
"What?"
"Don't you think we should tell someone?"
"We are going to tell someone. A doctor."
"But I mean, like, someone official. Like--"
"Like what?"
"Like a policeman, or something?"
"Oh my God, why would we do that?"
"Because, Mom, he might have--I mean, what if he hurt someone?"
"Richard, he's fourteen-years-old."
"Mom, he still could have--"
"Could have what? He had some stuff on his computer. So--"
"Stuff? Are you kidding me?"
"Richard--"
"Are you kidding me? Stuff? Mom, you said--"
"I know what I said."
"--You said it was--"
"I know what I said, Richard."
"--You--"
"I KNOW WHAT I FUCKING SAID, RICHARD, ALL RIGHT?"

. . . . .

"I saw it, Richard. You didn't. I know what I saw. Okay?"
"Okay."
"So we can just...for the moment, can we just--?"
"What? Drop it? Is that what you're asking me to do?"
"No."
"Drop it?"
"No. I just--we talked about it. I'm going to talk to him. We're going to get him help. We talked about it. We came up with a solution."
"Mom, there is no solution here. There's no solution to a problem like this. It's not like he has this thing that can just be cured, you know? He's fucked up."
"Richard--"
"Mom, he is. Okay? He is. And you know that. If he wasn't your son--"
"But he IS my son, okay? That's what you need to remember. He is my son, and he's your brother, and you need to remember that."
"I know that, but it doesn't change--"
"Richard, I'm tired, okay? I'm tired of this. I had a long day. Burning a computer up isn't easy."
"Are you cracking jokes?"
"Richard, what do you want me to say?"
"He could have hurt someone, okay? He could have already done that. And if he did, we need to know about it."
"So I'll ask him."
"You'll ask him? You'll ask him if he's hurt someone?"
"He doesn't lie to me."
"Mom!"
"He doesn't lie to me!"
"Oh my God."
"What?"
"The Gelle kid. The one who went missing."
"What about him?"
"They lived two houses down."
"Richard, please, that was four years ago."
"They never found him."
"Richard, your brother would have been ten. He had nothing to do with that."
"Mom--"
"The Gelle kid was thirteen-years-old. Three years older than your brother. And he was twice his size. Your brother had nothing to do with that."
"You don't know that!"
"I know my son!"
"NO, YOU DON'T! I'm sorry, but clearly, you don't. Maybe today you do, but yesterday, you did not. And even now you're--you're--"
"I'm what?"
"Denial, in this case, is understandable. It's--"
"I'm not in denial."
"Mom--"
"But what am I--"
"Mom--"
"What--"
"Just--"
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Go to the police. Get him fingerprinted. Find out if he's done anything that could--"
"Listen to you! This is your brother we're talking about!"
"People could be dead, Mom. Kids. Kids could be dead, or--"
"Not my kid."
"I'm sorry?"
"Your brother is my kid. And you, you're my kid. That's all I was given to worry about in this life. That's it. Just you and your brother. You can't ask me to worry about everybody else's kid."
"Are you hearing yourself right now?"
"What about Scott?"
"What about Scott?"
"Wouldn't you do anything to protect him?"
"He's a two-year-old! He's an innocent child!"
"And so was your brother once."
"Yeah, but not--"
"I have to do what I have to do--as his mother. You don't get that. I know you're a father, but being a mother is different. It's not something you could ever understand."
"I'll tell you what I can understand. I'm not bringing your grandson into this house anymore with him here."
"Don't talk like that."
"I'm serious. It's dangerous."
"It's not danger--"
"Mom, he's a ticking time bomb. Okay? That's what we have here. A bomb--ready to go off. And you're not going to do anything about it?"
"If you're asking me if I'm going to turn him into the police, and have them try to use him to solve every missing child case from the last five years on him, then no, I'm not going to do that."
"You're as bad as he is."
"Don't you dare say that to me!"
"For a second there, I didn't you'd appreciate the weight of the insult."
"I appreciate what we're dealing with here, Richard, but I can't just abandon my son."
"Nobody's asking you to abandon him. But you're right when you say he's our family. He's our responsibility too. That means we have to take responsibility for him and who he is and whatever it is that he's done, which might be, you know, nothing, and--"
"It's not nothing."
"What?"
"I don't...There were things...on the computer. Things I didn't tell you about."
"What kind of things?"
"I'm tired, Richard."
"Mom, what kinds of things?"
"Things we shouldn't talk about. But I'll talk to Michael about them."
"Mom--?"
"Then I'll talk to a doctor. And then..."
"....."
"...I'll talk to the police."
"Mom, what was on the computer?"
"I don't want you to know, Richard. You're my son too. You're supposed to--I'm supposed to protect you from things."
"Mom, I'm a dad. I have a son I--"
"I know."
"I need to--"
"That's why I can't tell you. You shouldn't know, Richard. I don't want you to hate your brother."
"What was on the computer, Mom?"
"I can't tell you, Richard. I can't ever tell you."

"Mom...?"

"There are things I just can't ever let you know."

My Good Deed

2012-01-24T14:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm watching her now
The little girl who just ran through here?

She's in my care
Staying at my house
Another bird under the wing
As they say

Well, some people say that
I say that anyway

Her mother is a heroin addict
And a complete mess

The second part may sound redundant
But my brother is addicted to heroin
And he manages to keep it under control
But not Maya's mother
She's just falling apart

So of course I had to come in
And rescue poor Maya

I mean, what other choice did I have?

As a good Christian woman
It would have been shirking my duty
To let that poor innocent child
Stay in that home
With her whoring mother
And all the men going in and out of--

Well, I assume she was whoring
I mean, she doesn't work
How else would she be paying for the drugs?

Look, I don't have time to argue semantics
About whether or not some poor little girl's mother
Is a professional whore
Or a recreational one
I'm a little too busy
With actually raising the child
Something I doubt you have any experience in

Oh, I'm aware that you have children
I'm just saying I'm not entirely sure I would call what you did
'Raising' them

Not to mention, they were probably much easier to deal with
Than Maya is

She's practically an animal at this point

Jesus himself would thrown his hands up
And jumped in the nearest river
If he had to deal with her for a day
But luckily for me
I'm made of sterner stuff than that

The plan isn't to adopt her permanently, of course
I'm a little too old to be raising a child
Especially one as unbearable as this one
And besides, who knows what she'll grow up to be like

What with all the trauma she's experienced

Children are very sensitive, you know
Anything around them
Just gets sucked right into their psyches

So obviously
Maya is probably damaged beyond repair

I tell her that all the time

I say, 'Maya, I know you're the child of an addict
And you're probably not even sure who your father is
Btu that doesn't mean you can't rise above
Your current condition'

Of course, she's only six
So some of that doesn't make sense to her
But again, the mind is a sponge
Some of it is bound to sink in

Well, we have to be off
Time for church

I have to see if I can squeeze a little
Christian goodness
Into that awful lost soul of hers

You know what they say about good deeds, don't you?

Well, believe me

They're right

This Downward Dance

2012-01-24T00:51:00.000-08:00

And then there was this downward dance
That we did until we found ourselves
Face down on the ground
Laughing at jokes
We couldn't remember

But we so enjoyed
This ridiculous music
The off-key melody
The wrong pitch
The bad timing

We held hands
Palm to sweaty palm
Nervous about stepping on toes
Nervous about counting wrong
Nervous about leading when we weren't supposed to lead
Nervous about all sorts of things
We weren't supposed
To be nervous about
And yet the ground shook
From being underneath
Our shaking bodies

We try to help each other
By whispering the steps
To each other

But the music eats up our whispers
And so all that's left to do
Is to let out a gentle scream

Inferences are made
Based on the way someone holds you
When they dance with you

About the way
Someone responds to music

In the way
Eye contact is made

But we were too busy
To infer anything

We were preoccupied
With our downward dance

Our slow clumsy stumble
Towards a perfect circle
Of grace and poise

And at one point we reached it
The zenith of class

A lovely 1-2-3
Followed by this and that

We were so proud of ourselves
We didn't even hear the bells chime
Meaning the clock had struck twelve
Meaning we were released

From our noble activity

And when we stopped
When we finally stopped

Long after the music had done

We looked around
And saw nothing
But an empty ballroom
And a stage
Where the band used to be

And that was when we laughed

Because we were alone

Because it finally felt safe
To enjoy
What had been done

When Dork Became a Sexy Word

2012-01-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

Sweetie, you'll never believe this
But there will come a day
Trust me on this--

When dork becomes a sexy word

Right now, you want that mysterious
Cool, hard-to-name something

When you're young
Everything without a name
Is attractive

When you get older
You get tired
You find it tiresome
To have to constantly search
For a thing's name

You want people to wear who they are
Like a name tag on their shirt

You begin to appreciate simplicity
You begin to appreciate a lot of things

I know right now
You look at your father
And me
And you think we're just
The least cool people in the world
But what you don't know
Is that I thought the same thing about my mother
And now--

And if you tell her this
I'll kill you

She seems like
The coolest person
In the world

And my Dad
Was a giant dork
Model trains in the basement
And everything

And I swore
I would never marry anybody
As lame as he was

When I got older
After dating every degenerate
And paroled felon
In the tri-state area
I realized that there's something to be said
For a man who enjoys the precision of model trains
And who spends his nights at home
With his family

That's not the coolest thing in the world
But it makes for a good marriage
And a good man

And an ungrateful child
Who, luckily
Smartened up just in time

One day you'll smarten up too
But until then--

And don't tell anyone
I ever told you this
Because I'll deny it
And disown you as well

Until you get smart
Enjoy being dumb

The dorks will be waiting
When you're ready for them

Everything's War

2012-01-23T23:51:00.000-08:00

They say I can say it now
I can talk all about it
Say it's safe
To talk about
What we done
What I done
What's been done

Safe now
Fine now
Go ahead and tell

What's next, huh?
No more war?

See, that'd be too bad
Because I like war
Because I'm used to war
Because I've had war
All my life

Ain't nothing new to me
I could fight
I do fight
I plan on fighting
Until I die

Not like Ben
Ben didn't plan on dying
Ben didn't like fighting
Ben just did what his dad told him

His dad told him to fight
So he fought
And then he met me
And he said 'Dad, I got a friend'
And his dad said 'You got more than a friend. You got a brother. That's your brother now.'
And that fucked Ben up
Because he didn't think of me like a brother
But he didn't tell that to anyone

Except I knew anyway

And one night
I told him
I didn't tell him nothing dirty
I didn't talk to him like that
I just told him it was okay

It was okay to think what he wanted

That nobody can have rules about thinking
Not even the army

That's the thing about America
We're supposed to think what we want

So Ben started thinking
And he thought, You know what? I'm in love. How about that?
And he told his dad
Because he loved his dad

And he couldn't lie to him
Any more than I could lie to God
And his dad said--

You might as well be dead now
You might as well blow your fucking brains out
For as much as I care about you right now

So that's what he did

And I found him

And that was it

That was years ago

Long, long time

And now they tell me it's okay

Now they tell me
It's fine

Talk all you want
Feel all you want
Think all you want

All cool now

But I say 'Fuck that'

I say 'Fuck that' because same way you can't make a law
That says you can't think something
You can't make a law
That says people have to accept you

People don't have to do shit
They don't want to do

Now they're standing around a rabbit hole
With a gun
Telling me

Come on out, come on out

I'd rather put the gun under my chin
Like Benny did

At least then I wouldn't die like a fool

You trying to tell me it's over?

It's never over

The fight's never over

It's always just starting

And that's fine by me

That's what I signed up for, right?

War

I can fight a war

I can fight a war forever

I got no choice?

'Cause see, when you're someone like me

Everything's war

This Came From the Psychic

2012-01-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

The psychic said I should leave you, Ronald
She looked right at me
And said 'You should leave your husband'

She didn't even have to consult a ball or anything
To be honest with you, I didn't even see a ball
That's how you know she's good

The fakes use cards
And crystal balls
And burnt tea leaves
But the real psychics don't need it

This woman was a pro, Ronald
And she said she doesn't think we're going to make it

Don't feel bad
She told me to stop talking to my mother too
And my boss

I said--Don't be ridiculous
I love my boss!

But she insisted

So now I have to figure out
How to work with Todd
Without talking to him

I mean, it helps that he's deaf
I suppose I can just move my lips at him
But still, it feels so dishonest

You, on the other hand
I can NOT move my lips at

You simply have to go

She told me not to make a big deal out of it
Just pack all your things into boxes
And then burn the boxes
So that's what I did

Oh, except that your Mickey Mouse tie
I love that tie
I couldn't burn that

But everything else went up in flames

Oh, and she told me to slap you
She said you'd know why
I can slap your arm if you like
That might not hurt as much

I want to be fair about this, Ronald

I know this may all come as a shock to you
But certain things are destined to be

The psychic told me
The only way I'm going to win the Nobel Prize
And become an ambassador to Equador
Is if I shuck you off of me
Like the barnacle that you are

(She called you a barnacle, not me
As you can probably tell
She was very direct--and a little insensitive)

She also said I should quit smoking

But you know

You can't put too much stock
In what those people say

Dreaming is for Windows

2012-01-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

She'll have soup when she gets home
But she'll dream of escargot

She dreams about it now
While the blue dark comes down from the sky
And slowly pinches
Each of the city lights

She presses her face
Up against the thick, cool office window glass
And she feels grateful, at least
That she can see a bridge
From where she sits

The best sort of views
Always includes
A bridge

She looks at buildings taller than hers

(There are more than a few)

And she goes up floor-by-floor
Using the windows
To tell herself stories

'The man from Accounting is thinking about the woman
From Personnel
Who eats lunch with the girl from Marketing
Who is secretly seeing a VP
Who...'

In reality, she could be looking at yoga studios
And the headquarters
Of an organic beet juice company

But she tells herself
That what's she seeing
Is not so unlike
What she experiences every day

An office sort of life
Surrounded by windows
Looking out onto a city
She gets to see very little of
From the ground

Sometimes she swears that smells
Are making their way
Through the sturdy office glass
And into her cubicle

Italian food
Hot dog carts
Fresh bread
Roasted almonds
Or are they called toasted almonds?

Some days
Before she leaves at five
She swears she can see
People dancing on the street

Hanging on to lampposts
Like Gene Kelly
Waiting for rain

She presses her hand up against the glass
And though she feels tired

Today, she thinks
She'll stay out a little bit

Walk up and down a few of those streets

Maybe grab a hot dog
Maybe grab some escargot

And she'll see if she can find one of the spots
That she looks down on
From her office window

And when she does
She'll look up and wave

At whomever
Might be there

A Man of the Present

2012-01-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

So I sat at the corner
At past and future
Tempted to see
What might be
On either side

In the past I could see lit-up windows
Right above fire escapes
With silhouettes of ex-girlfriends
Waving to me
Waiting to see
If I'd want to walk
Down Memory Lane

'I'm too tame for you now,' I want to tell them
But instead I suspend two feet
Above a park bench
Marveling at the glucose-nature
Of time and time's passing

On the other side of me
Things are shadowless
And yet, somehow
More ominous

People come by and question me
But I can't see an inch in front of my face
So I replace my answers
With more questions
And somehow through this quagmire-y method
We find our answers

There is no night
There is no day
There is nothing indicating
Specific instances
Of time or place

There is a moment
That surrounds me
Like an off-green and off-blue bubble
A dome, a force field
And I know I can stay here
If I'd like to
I can remain here
Until I feel compelled to move
A compulsion I don't think would come upon me
Anytime soon

Right now
I am a man of the present

Stronger than a man
With a yearbook in his hand
And gravestones in his eyes
Determined to keep alive
The five things he can remember
About yesterday

Or a man with so many plans
They fall out of his hands
While he begs others to understand
That at some point his forward motion
Will transition into a destination

I choose not to be
Either of these men

I chose to be a fig tree
Or a diamond cement square
Something kids can hopscotch over

I elect to be eternity
Rather than what was or could be
And I do this simply
By remaining in the present

All the Ones I Couldn't Save

2012-01-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

'Cause some were loud
And some were wrong
And some had things
They didn't want to
Weren't ready to
Didn't feel like
Getting rid of
So I stuck
I stuck to them
And they teared and tore
To try and get away from me

Water pouring out of their mouths
The sight draining from their eyes
And all the while
Rocking back and forth
Asking for my help
Asking me to leave 'em alone
Asking for wisdom
Asking for one more
One more thing
To make 'em feel good again

I used to scream so loud
I'd tear my vocal cords out
Until finally I realized
I couldn't be as loud as them
Or what was inside them
I couldn't make that much noise

All the ones I couldn't save
I keep mementos of
In boxes
Underneath my bed

Things that hold the memories
When I can't hold them
Anymore

A music box
A piece of scrap metal
A poorly drawn picture
A love note
A half-burnt photograph
Anything that means anything

Gets saved

In place of the people
Who couldn't be

Sometimes I say their names
In order--and what they had

What they had
Attached to them

I do this while I'm washing dishes
And it becomes an invocation

It's like I'm bringing them back
So I can apologize to them
For failing at the simplest thing

'Cause loving somebody enough
Should be the easiest thing in the world

And yet I found it to be
So hard

I found it to be
Too hard
Too many
Times

Here at St. Melena's

2012-01-23T12:39:00.000-08:00

Here at St. Melena's
The girls believe in Jesus
And short skirts
And pink lipstick
And dark hair
And nice jewelry
And backpacks with kittens on them
And boyfriends with tattoos
Who go to public schools
And work at the motorcycle shop in town

Here at St. Melena's
Everyone walks single file
To class
To prayer
To study hall
To lunch
To gym
And back home
In lines veering slightly
Right and left

Here at St. Melena's
The gold crucifixes given as confirmation presents
Hang low and shiny
In the middle of
Slowly building cleavage
Some building
Not so slowly

Here at St. Melena's
The girls do their nails in Geometry
Their toenails in Biology
Talk birth control in Bible Study
Spread gossip in History
Discuss blowjob techniques in Sex Ed
And boyfriends in Women's Studies

Here at St. Melena's
The girls are lauded in public
And scolded in private
Defended by the staff to the outside world
Who calls them 'sluts' and 'snobs'
But whisked off to assemblies
Where they are told to lower their skirts
And take down their noses
And stay away from the boys
Who work at the motorcycle shop

Apparently nobody ever explained 'reverse psychology'
To the staff at St. Melena's

Here at St. Melena's
There are wolves in the basement
That nobody talks about

There are apples for lunch
And oranges for dessert
And the girls focus on losing weight
In between classes

Here at St. Melena's
Sin is both a tangible
And an intangible thing

Where education
And religion
Are neither

Standing in the Doorway

2012-01-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

I'm just standing the doorway
Waiting for you to make a mistake

Take a guess
Give me some indication
That you know
You fucked up

Oh, maybe you haven't fucked up yet
But you will

We both know you will
Don't we?

That's the thing about you

You should just wake up everyday
And apologize
For all the shit you're going to do
That day

It would save you
A whole lot of time

But that's not why I'm standing in the doorway
I'm not trying to avoid you

I'm not trying
To keep away
From your potential mistakes

Actually, I like them

They help me keep
An upper hand

I could never date a saint
I'd be too...self-conscious

Your mess is always comforting to me

The only time you're not making one
Is when you're asleep

And even then
I can see your body twitch
And squirm
Wanting to wake up
And cause more trouble

Sometimes I get in bed with you
And put my arms around you
To see if I can calm you down

But you thrash
And kick
And I've still got a scar
From when you scratched me
Because I tried to hold you
Too tight

So now I just keep a little distance
And watch

From the safe distance
Of a doorway

Then you wake up
And say--'Come here, come here'

It's not that I don't want to, babe
But I have to stop myself

I have to keep standing in the doorway
Waiting for you to make a mistake

So I know
When to walk away

Pressure

2012-01-22T23:20:00.000-08:00

The pressure was too much
That's what he did for me
First of all

He removed the pressure

Like, when somebody has a head injury
And they have to drain the fluid to--

Yeah, you get it
The pressure

Anyway, he did that
Because there was always this...

They send me off--

My parents, I mean
They send me off
To this really nice school
And I'm supposed to--

You know, become the dream
Not just achieve the dream
But become it

Achieve success nirvana

And I was kind of doing it
I mean, I wasn't even close
But I was on a path at least
I was on some kind of path
And then I met Chris
And it was like--

He was the first person
To ever tell me
To stop, you know?

To just stop?

And at first I resisted him
And then I was like--

Okay, you know what?

I'm doing it
I'm going to stop

Just for a little while, you know?
Just a little vacation
Because, you know
I'd never had a vacation
Never, not really
I used to go on vacations
And bring my textbooks
And sit by a pool
Writing essays
And everybody was so proud
My family

They were so thrilled
That I was incapable
Of relaxation
They used to always almost-applaud me
Like being stressed out
Was some kind of magic trick
That I had mastered

So I meet him
And he says stop
And I stop
And...

I get pregnant

And she's...

When she's born she's...

Because he was on stuff, you know
And then, after awhile
So was I

And I know to stop when you're--

But I didn't know I was--

Not until it--

I stopped too late

And so she was born
Addicted to all the shit
We were addicted to

And I had to go back home with her
And tell my parents
That the dream was dead

That it was fucking dead

It would not be had
It would not be achieved
It would not be realized
By me

Or by my daughter
Because she was...

And they asked--

Why did you do it?

Why did you throw it all away?

And I wanted to say
And I didn't
But I wanted to say--

I threw it away
Because it was too much

Because it was too much

To carry

When Your Ears Get Hairy

2012-01-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is they're not hairy yet
My ears are still pretty smooth
So you don't have to push me off the roof tonight
But you know the deal

When the ears get hairy
It's time to go

There are many ways to determine
When you've outlived your usefulness

But I agree with my father
He said it's when your ears get hairy

As soon as my father saw hair on his ears
He took a boat onto Lake Pueblo Norova
Shot a hole in it
And went down with the ship, so to speak

I still remember him
Saluting me from the shore
While he sank down into the water
Like he was on some kinda
Weird lake elevator

I remember thinking--

I should play TAPS
But I didn't have a trumpet
And when I thought about humming it
I realized I didn't know the tune

So instead I just watched him
Admiring his spirit
That old stubborn bastard

My brother found hair on his ears
And walked into the fog

I'm not sure that he's dead
But he hasn't answered his phone in three years
So as far as I'm concerned
He might as well be

My uncle saw hair on his ear
And drove his car off a cliff

Turned out it was just lint
That's why you really have to be sure
About stuff like that
Before you go driving off cliffs

Never hurts to double check

But if you do spot a hair
You have to act fast

Once you find hair on your ears
Then you notice your toes are turning green
And next thing you know you can't do the word jumble
In the morning paper

I'm not going out like that
I'm dying with dignity

That's why I need you to push me off me the roof

And don't push me towards anything soft

I don't want to just break my leg or something
I want to go--BAM!

Just like that

But so far, no hair

So far, I'm still young

Just luck I guess

Lord knows it doesn't run in the family

When We Put You Here

2012-01-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

When we put you here
They didn't have names
The way they do now

Asperger's
Down syndrome
Austism
High-functioning autism
High-functioning--anything, really

None of that
They didn't have any of it
It was just...

You were just...

In need of care
Or you weren't

Healthy, I mean, you were--

That

Or, you weren't

And you weren't healthy
You never were
It wasn't your fault, of course
You were born early
But nevertheless, you had...trouble

And so we brought you here
And they told us
That you had to be kept here
That it's what was best for you
And so we...

You didn't challenge doctors back then

The way they challenge doctors now

If a doctor told you
Your child was sick
You brought her to a hospital
And you left here there
Until she got better

And if she didn't get better then...

Then you just wanted her to be comfortable
And that's what they said they were doing for you
They told us they were making you comfortable
All these years
Or else why would we have--

Charlotte Temple, from down the street?

Her daughter was born...early, the way you were
And so were her other two

And she kept all her daughters at home
And took care of them
And--

When I told her about bringing you here
She said--

With all this judgment in her voice, she said--

I would never just leave my daughter somewhere like that

Like what? --I said
But I didn't say
I wanted to, but, you know

I'm polite, so...

I didn't say--Charlotte, you're being unfair to your daughters

And, you know, to yourself
To herself, I mean

To give up her whole life
Trying to help people
Who can never be helped

I mean, I know I'm talking about her children here
But, still, the point is--

She couldn't do anything for them

Just like we could do anything for you

That's why we put you here
Because it seemed...

It was the right thing to do

For you

For all of us

Maybe now it doesn't seem that way
Maybe, in hindsight, it seems cruel
But--

That doctor seemed fine
He didn't seem like the type who would--

Who would do anything to--

What were we supposed to do?

Try raising a retarded child by ourself?

With no help?

I know you probably think
We have all the money in the world
But it can be costly

In more ways than one

Putting you here was the right decision for that time

Maybe it wouldn't be the right decision today
But...

But that's today

Today everything's different

That's the frustrating thing about today

Today everybody judges you
For what you did yesterday

Today the Charlotte Temple's of the world are saints
And people like your father and I are monsters

Today we're wrong
Yesterday we're right

It's all so...

When we put you here
All anybody did
Was tell us
What a good decision we'd made

Now when people find out
They won't even look at us

You won't even look at me

Your own mother, and you won't...

Has any of this made you better?

Any of it?

I need to know if...

It would be nice to know that...

I'm...

Your father and I want you to know
That, if you like
We can set you up
Somewhere

Somewhere nice

Obviously we don't expect you to stay here
After what's been happening all these years
So if you'd like--

Maybe not an apartment
Maybe another hospital
Not like this one
There are nicer ones now
They make them nicer, you know

We'd offer to have you come stay at the house, but--

We've become set in our ways
And I'm just not sure...

But we'll help

We'll help in whatever way we can

We've always wanted to help, you know

That's always been the first thing
On our minds

A Daily Ritual

2012-01-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

It's a daily ritual

The shave in the shower
The vacuuming of the rug
The fluffing of the pillows

Daily, routine
With small variations

Did you do this?
--An hour ago
Oh
--I took care of it

Small talk
Chitchat
Back and forth
Agreeable
Amicable
Allowable

Given the circumstances
A shave and a shower
A made bed and an empty laundry basket

The mail's here
--Any for me?
No
--Well, then...
Just thought you should--
--What?
Nothing, never mind
--Good coffee
Yes, it is

Odd to live in a home of routine
Books on the nightstand
That never get read

Recipes tacked to the fridge
With dust over their ingredients
Never to be made

But the bed gets made

You made the bed?
--Yes
You called your mother? It's her birthday.
--Yes
You hate me, don't you?
--Let's not do this today

Not today
Not to disrupt
The daily ritual

There will be other days
For disruption

Where we will sit
And talk

Amicably, agreeably
Allowing ourselves the opportunity
To say our peace

But not today

Today the car needs to be washed
And the oil needs to be changed

--And you could use a shave
What?
--I said you could use a shave
Oh
--The coffee's good
You said that
--What?
About the coffee. You said that already.
--No, I didn't.
You didn't?
--Not today.
Oh.
--Maybe yesterday.
Yes. Probably. Probably yesterday.

Hard to tell now, you think

Hard to tell
The difference

A Brighter Hell

2012-01-20T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'll take this, you know
Because it's a brighter hell

You ever hear that expression?

I'm livin' in a brighter hell?

Well, that's what this is

It's warm, but it's not scorching
I'm not scorched here
I'm not melting
From the inside out

So I'll take it

I'll take it
And I'll like it

Used to live in the city
Where I was dealing with rats
Always rats

Didn't matter where I lived
There were rats

It was like a witch put a curse on me
Or something

And I hate rats
I mean I fuckin' hate rats

So that was a problem

Plus the money
I never had any money

You ever work three jobs
Two of them full-time
And not have any money?

It's an odd way to live

It's like some sort of paradox
Like I'm in a George Orwell book or something

It wasn't for me

So I moved to the country
And it's quiet

And in two days
I'm out of my fucking head

Because one of those days was Friday
And the other one was Saturday

And when you're livin' in a place
Where you say--

'What's there to do around here?'

And the answer is--

'You're already doing it'

Then you start to think

Hey, maybe those rats
Weren't so bad

But it's a nice place for Sundays
I'll tell you that much

The Sundays here are great
That's how you know you're in Hell

Because you start appreciating
The days of rest

And work, of course

There's always work

I miss my Fridays
And I miss my Saturdays
And, when I lived somewhere real good
I used to even have good Thursdays

If you can make your life
Stretch out from Wednesday to Sunday
Then you know you're living
Somewhere good

But it costs, you know

It costs

So for now I choose this
My brighter hell

Here's hoping
It doesn't get
Any hotter
Than this

Dylan

2012-01-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

Dylan gets his shortcuts from his Dad
Always finds a loop

Breaks it off, then goes dancing
Like he never had a care
Like he never had a chance

And winners
Are people no one knows
And people no one likes

Dylan likes to speak broken French
'Cause he says it makes his meager thoughts
Sound like fresh champagne

And he plays guitars for the girls
While they drink coffee

And he drives them home
While their boyfriends are at work

And he's twice as old as he feels
And he's not as good as he wants to be
At anything

Got a front porch where the shadows go to sit
Even when the sun's not there

Got an old couch
And an empty fridge
And a record collection
That ain't worth shit

Got a sad song that he never wrote down
And now it's a ghost of tune

He broke apart
Then he broke up the pieces
And put them back all wrong

Dylan wants to be a family man someday
Just like his father was

Have barbecues in the backyard
And dispense advice about love and crayons

Got a job fixing vintage cars
But the job won't last

Because all the jobs are running out of town fast
And the past has the longest legs
So how can you outrun it?

And he's sick of telling people
He's working on something
When he's working on shit

Working on getting the rent paid
Working on getting his bike fixed
Working on getting his shit together

But you can't say that
And you can't complain

'Cause someone's got it worse
'Cause you live in America

Where the person in line behind you
Is way worse off
Than you'll ever be

Dylan sees the sad song
Float by his peripheral vision

Dylan's whole life
Goes by
In peripheral vision

So he catches glances of it
From time to time

But it's always
Out of reach

So he speaks his French
And he thinks about shit
And he fixes cars
That nobody drives anymore

But at least he still has
His front porch

And the shadows there are enough
To cover him up

While We Wonder About Our Wives

2012-01-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

We get beers and beer nuts
And whatever else
Will compliment our beer
And we sit
And chat
And shoot the shit
And chew our gum
'Fuck this, fuck that'
Play twenty questions
While we wonder about our wives

We chain smoke
Tell cheap jokes
Take potshots at each other
Compare notes on our cars
Our jobs
Our kids
Our porn
Tomorrow, today
How'd it all go
And we wonder about our wives

One got a tit job
One got a face lift
One just quit smoking
One thinks she's fifteen
One won't give head anymore
One won't do anything anymore
One's probably cheating, and so is the other
And you know, it makes you wonder

We arm wrestle
Play fight
But not really
Underlying aggression
Working itself out
In our playful jabs
While we wonder about our wives

'I'd fuck your wife.'
'Haha, dude, I wouldn't fuck yours.'
'You'd fuck my wife.'
'Dude, I wouldn't touch your wife.'
'You'd fuck her.'
'Not on your life, dude.'

We regret not doing drugs
We regret not getting more tattoos
We regret not buying a bike
We regret having kids
We regret our wives

Our wives and our lives
We regret the whole fucking shebang

While we wonder about our wives
We get more and more drunk

We lose our keys
We call cabs to take us home
So our wives won't find out
How drunk we got

We'll sneak into our homes
The homes our wives left two months ago

Took the kids
Took the tv
Poured the last inch of vodka
Down the last mile of sink

Down the drain

And we know that
But the other guy doesn't

We get in bed
Into our respective beds
Across this respectful town
And we put our arm out
Across nothing
Across a dirty sheet

And we wonder--

We wonder...

We wonder where our wives are--

Now

Temptation, or Fingernails

2012-01-19T00:48:00.000-08:00

You wanna know temptation?

I can tell you
About temptation

And no, this is not a story about cocaine
Or heroin
Or alcohol
Or pills
Or gambling
Or sex
Or any of that stuff

So just relax, okay?

I'm not going to talk about needles
Going into my veins
So just chill the fuck out, okay?

Great

...Not that I haven't put needles in my veins

Oh, and I did everything on that list
That I just mentioned
So don't think I couldn't tell you stories
About all that stuff
Because trust me

I could

But I'm not going to

Because if I had to give you
The perfect example
Of temptation

I would just have to tell you
About my nails

I can't quit biting my nails

I quit all the other stuff
And last week I quit smoking
And if you want to know how hard that was
Ask my car

I flew into a rage
And smashed my own windshield
And I don't even remember why

I think someone used the word 'literally' incorrectly
And it set me off

Like, I said, I flew into a rage
And I'm not speaking figuratively

I actually flew through the air
Anger defies gravity
I don't know if you knew that

Anyway, the nail-biting is the last to go
Except it's not going anywhere

Because whereas all that other stuff
Can be removed from one's life
You canNOT remove your nails

Your nails are ALWAYS there

THAT is temptation

Temptation is having the thing that tempts you
Always there

And you can't do anything about it

You just have to look at that thing
Whatever it is

Every day

And live with it

Just keep living with it

And sometimes you gnaw a little bit
On one nail

And sometimes you pick at the skin
Around the nails

And sometimes you look at them
These nails
And you think

What the fuck do I do now that I have nails?

But they're there

They're there
And they're not going anywhere

And you're fucked

You know you're fucked

Because you know
That however much strength you have in you
You don't have nearly enough
To outlive or outrun something
That is attached to you

That is going to be staring you right in the face
For as long as you are alive

And so you gnaw
And you pick
And you dig your nails
Into your own skin

To say--

There!

That fucking hurts
But I'm beating you!

The more it hurts
The more it means
I'm beating this thing

This thing that I know
I can't ever really beat

And when you pull back
And look at those nails
And think to yourself--

You know, they're getting too long

And someone says to you

You know, your nails are getting too long

So someone's basically giving you PERMISSION
To indulge

That, all of that?

That's temptation

Trust me

That--

Is temptation

A Hot Man in the Icehouse

2012-01-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

They'll suggest we play Scrabble
While they shoot me furtive glances
Thinking I know what's going on in their minds
Thinking I have extra-sensory perception
When it comes to desire

They look at me like I'm dangling
Like I'm the last person left in the Universe
Yet to see sunlight
Yet to experience
Their special brand of salvation

They're wondering who's going to preach to me first

Because someone has to do it

Or do they share it?

Do they take joint responsibility
For my soul's rescue?

They play Scrabble
Then Monopoly
Then Trivial Pursuit

It's funny

The things they can't remember

Or rather
What they believe they can't remember

What they think's been stolen from them

Things they never knew in the first place
They now claim
Are the victims
Of their addictions

And here's me

Still holding mine

Still cradling my fatal flaws in my arms
Like swaddled up babies

And rattling off the answers
To questions
About the Civil War

Maybe they're worried
I brought a soapbox of my own

So I can stand
And demand
That they tell me
They're not unhappier now
Than they were five years ago

Oh sure, we were messes then

Slovenly, sloppy
Filthy, depraved
Messes

But didn't we have fun?

They're sure as hell not having fun now

Oh, they tell themselves they are
They tell themselves
They've having a grand old time

But we used to make fun
Of the people who act they way they do now
And they haven't forgotten that

I would be very surprised
If they'd forgotten that

Then again
It's amazing what people can forget
Isn't it?

It's amazing how easy it is
To freeze yourself
And tell yourself

That you've always
Been frozen

Birdcages

2012-01-17T19:30:00.000-08:00

We're all coming down
In birdcages

Silver and copper ones
Going down
From tall buildings

Delicately resting
On gusts of air

Some of us sit on little swings
Going back and forth
While we fall through the air

We try not to focus too much
On the gravity of the situation

Instead we enjoy the ride down
And chat back and forth
About how we think
The landing will go

Some of us believe
That at the last minute
One of those gusts of air
Will shoot up from the ground
And push us up just enough
To keep us levitated for a bit
Until we come to rest
Slowly on the ground

Other believe we'll crash
And the cages will shatter into a million pieces

But either way
We're sure we'll be fine

Because how can we not be fine?

We're protected
By this lovely silver
And this lovely copper
And these little swings

That keep us carefree
And not thinking about the ground
Or the sky
Or the falling sensation

The clouds are nice
Sometimes we think about the clouds

But to truly enjoy suspension
You have to allow yourself that

The ability to suspend
And freeze
Everything

Your focus
Your weight
Your sense of time

All of it

And when you get to the bottom
They'll open the cage
And set you free

Orange Crush at Three Below

2012-01-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hard holding on
To an orange crush
At three below

Hard to keep hot
When your soda's freezing
In your hand

Hard to make small talk
When your tongue won't move
Because there's ice forming on it
And your lips are chapped and dry

Hard to say when the last time was
You felt this hollow
And full
At the same time

Full of stuff you'd like to say
And unable to find words
To say any of it

Hard to say why your crush
Feels like more than a crush

When that's all it can be
A crush

An orange one, maybe
Indicating a more serious level
Of mild infatuation

Okay
Maybe
Sure

But it's still too cold
To feel warm about anything

To warm up to someone
To get close
To get close enough to invest
To invest deep enough to care
To care enough to stick around

When your hands
Are getting red

Hard to determine
How high your garden wall is
And whether or not
There's anything on the other side

Hard to believe
Some people would call you charming
Or intelligent
Or capable of carrying on a conversation

Look at you now
Who would believe it?

But going on the ice
Holding a hand
Slipping a few times

Laughing at yourself
Offering a jacket
When it really gets cold

Saying what you have to offer now
Is okay, is okay, is just fine

That?

Well

That's easy

The Dilemma of a Girl That Wasn't

2012-01-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

She couldn't be
Because she wasn't sure
What she would be
If she were to be

She hung above the people
Who would be her parents
And debated saying 'hello' to them
Even though such interaction was forbidden
Until she had formalized the paperwork
And agreed to be born to them

Red tape
Yellow tape
Legal tape
Ticker tape

But no parade
No parade until she decides
That she's ready to be born
That she's ready to accept existence
Into her daily life

But the things she'll miss!

Tea with dead suffragettes
Conversations with Hawaiian queens
Philosophizing about rubber bands
With the man who invented them

Plus, she'd have to be a child
And she'd have to be a child
For a very long time

Quite possibly, her whole life

But she would have toes
And hands
And warmth
And a laugh

She'd love a laugh
To laugh with

Right now all she had show joy
Was wind, moving air

She'd run past wind chimes
And her possible-mother would look up
And feel happy for some reason

It's because I'm laughing, Mama
She thought

You just don't know that's what it is yet

She hoped that they'd give her a nice name
Not name her after her possible-father's mother
Whose name was Melona

What sort of name was that anyway?

The dilemma was that
As long as she ceased to exist
She was perfectly safe

And, to some degree
Content

She could observe everything

And when she thought about coming alive
She could float by something

Something painful
And remember why she was still
Waiting

Waiting to pick the perfect time
To come down

The Good Person Certificate

2012-01-17T02:31:00.000-08:00

"You nervous?"
"Huh?"
"Are you nervous? About the test?"
"Uh...a little bit."
"Almost everybody gets the certificate."
"Yeah."
"I don't even know anybody who hasn't."
"I know a few people."
"Really?"
"Yeah, just...just people."
"You need to get it for your work, I'm assuming?"
"I'm a nurse, or--I'm studying to be."
"Oh yeah. So you need the G certification."
"Almost everybody needs it now."
"Everybody except serial killers."
"How do they do it?"
"Do what? Certify you?"
"Yeah."
"They hook you up to some machine. It gives them a reading or something. Tells them whether you're a good egg or a bad egg. Just like in the chocolate factory."
"Does genetics have anything to do with it?"
"I don't know. Nobody really knows how it works."
"Because my father...uh...he didn't pass. He got a B."
"Oh yeah? What'd he do after that?"
"He was a mechanic for awhile. But then he started drinking. Then my mom left him, and...it was bad."
"It's tough when you get a B."
"Nobody wanted to live near us. Because they publish where the B's live. So we had to go live near other B's, except my mom didn't want to and she was a G so--"
"So she just left him?"
"We tried to live near the B's at first, just, right on the edge, you know? But there were so many, just, really bad people there--"
"They keep saying one day they're going to get levels. One day they're going to come up with B1 and B2, but they've been saying that for years. So there's no difference between a rapist or a pedophile and a person who's just bad but doesn't act on it."
"That was my dad. He wasn't a--I mean, he wasn't a kind person, but he never did anything wrong. His father used to beat him everyday, and I guess that must have driven the good out of him or something, but he wasn't dangerous to anybody."
"Whatever process they have is black or white. Right or wrong. And you can't beat it."
"I've been trying to guess whether or not I'll pass. I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I'm a good person."
"They tell you not to think about it. They say if you think about it too much you might actually cause yourself to fail."
"I know, but I can't help it. If I don't get certified, I can't become a nurse. I don't know what I'll do. You can't even become a waitress without a G certification."
"I'm just doing it because I'm getting married."
"I didn't know it was required for--"
"It's not. Not yet anyway. But my father-in-law is insisting on it. And my fiance said--'What's the harm? Not like you have anything to hide, right?' But how do I know, you know? Anyway, I love her, so what choice do I have? I'm here."
"This whole thing just seems out of hand."
"Reminds me of the Sneeches. The Dr. Seuss book? Stars upon thars."
"Except we're talking about good people and bad people."
"Who's to say what's good and bad? Who are you or what you do? Mother Theresa could have been a real bitch, but she still did a lot of good."
"Like you said, it's not a great system."
"It's crazy is what it is."
"No way around it though."
"Not unless you want people looking at you funny. Wondering why you haven't been tested."
"I'm going to hate wearing that stupid button all the time."
"G-CERTIFIED. What a load of bullshit. You can buy that button online."
"Yeah, but if they catch you wearing a non-issued button--"
"Punishment, punishment."
"Like I said, things have gotten out of hand."
"Yeah, but nobody cares, because most people get certified, and once you're certified, you don't give a shit about the people who aren't."
"I still give a shit. I still think about my father. Branded his whole life. At least until he..."

. . . . .

"I'm not going to pass."
"What?"
"I told my fiance I'd get tested, but I've been tested before, and I haven't passed."
"You're a--"
"I don't know what it is. I feel like a good person, I really do, but...I guess I'm wrong."
"Oh, I didn't...I...."
"I keep trying to change it. I volunteer at soup kitchens. I donate most of what I make to charity. I smile twenty-four hours a day. I can't stand the thought of that B stuck to me my whole life."
"And nothing's--?"
"Nothing works."
"Well...maybe today it will."
"Yeah, maybe today."
"And if it--"
"Then the wedding's off. I'll be on my own."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry yet. Let's see what happens."
"I'll say a prayer for you."
"Thanks. You seem really nice."
"I hope I am. I really hope so."

Lesbians

2012-01-17T01:48:00.000-08:00

I have a theory
Regarding why
You seem to keep winding up
With lesbians

Now, it's difficult to share this theory
Without making sweeping generalizations
About lesbians
And, in some respects
Women in general

But, because you're my friend
I'm willing to risk
Sounding like a total jerk
If it means it might prevent you
From getting your heart broken again
By a girl who's only dating you
Because you, yourself
Look mildly lesbionic

Again, I didn't say this would be pleasant

For one thing
Start dating women with long hair

It's not that all women with short hair
Are lesbians

It's that certain haircuts
Do seem to appeal more to lesbians
Than to straight women

For example, the haircut that Mia Farrow had
In Rosemary's Baby?

That's pretty much become
A lesbian haircut

You want to try and date a girl
Who has more hair than you do
Just as a rule of thumb

You also want to try avoiding women
Who hate their breasts

I'm not talking about women
Who wish they had smaller breasts
Or bigger breasts

I'm talking about women
Who actively try
To hide their breasts

Those women might not even be lesbians
But you should avoid them anyway

Breasts are wonderful things
You should be with women
Who want to celebrate them

Don't go for girls
Who are bisexual

It may seem hot
But you're playing with fire

And if your girlfriend
Suggests a threeway
Make a run for it

By the way
You're sure you're not gay, right?

Just checking

Again--

Just being a friend

I Don't Believe in the Gym

2012-01-17T00:38:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing:

I don't believe in the gym

I realize the gym exists
But I think of it like...

Well, the way atheists
Might think of church

I realize it's good for some people
But it's just not for me

Personally, I think the gym
Might, in fact, be a cult

Or the headquarters of a cult

An awful, time-consuming cult
Made up of sweat
And misplaced determination

I don't believe in lots of things
That I'm supposed to

I don't believe in lettuce
It's pointless
It's totally pointless

And some people love it
Some people love lettuce
Just think about that for a second

It's mystifying

Some people love vanilla ice cream too
But at least that has sugar in it

Lettuce is the vanilla ice cream
Of the vegetable family

No matter what you do to it
It's still lettuce

It's still utterly disappointing

I don't believe in protein shakes

Protein should be in steak
And pork chops

Not in shakes

Shakes should be made up of milk
Or fruit or well--

Pretty much anything
That doesn't have protein in it

And as for meat
You know I don't even really like meat

I could probably be a vegetarian
But the thing is
I like seafood
And people who say they're vegetarians
But that they eat fish
And it doesn't count--

That'd be like being a serial killer
And saying--

'No, it's okay! I only killed old Russian women! I avoided everybody else'

Like, yes
It's nice that you spared most people
But the old Russian women
Still count

I don't believe in that
In any of that

I believe in Oreos
And nice couches that I can sit on
For hours at a time
And marathons of shows
I'm ashamed to even say the name of

That's what I believe in

And luckily enough
We live in a country
Where I'm allowed to believe
Whatever I like

...Which is probably why we're all fat

Fat and free, however

Fat and free

Gratuitious

2012-01-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

I found the violence

To be gratuitous

I realize it's a war movie

But there must be a tasteful way

To depict war

Honestly, for years

You could go see a film

Or turn on the television

And never have to worry

About being affronted

With such unpleasantness

Now, it seems impossible

Everybody seems to be

Creeping towards depravity

That's how it happens, you know

Not in big bursts

But in quiet inches

That's how great things fall

Dignity, civility, society

And people say they can't tell

How it happens

Rubbish

It's easy to tell

It happens when the unnecessary

Becomes celebrated

Everyone thinks because I'm over the age of twenty

That everything offends me

That I'm fragile

And weak-minded

As if I haven't experienced life

If anything, older people are less likely to be shocked

What we dislike

Is being bombarded

With gratuitous things

Sex, profanity, violence

It's not that I'm offended by it

In some cases, it isn't even foreign to my experience

I simply value what's essential

What's necessary

Everything else

Assaults my aesthetic sensibilities

You see, and I hate to use this expression, but--

In my day

We valued simplicity

We didn't need as much

As you all do now

What we used to dream of

Things that would have seemed like privileges

You all now claim to need like air

One day you'll get it

You'll get all you need

And then what will you do?

Find even more shocking things

To drown yourselves in?

I'm glad I won't be around to see that

With any luck

I'll be long gone by then

Someone In the Kitchen

2012-01-16T23:45:00.000-08:00

All I really want
Is someone in the kitchen

Like, it's weird
Because, I'm lonely
Because, you know
I'm alone

But, I have a phone
And I have numbers in the phone
The numbers of people
Who would come keep me company
If I asked them to

There are people
Who would come by
At three in the morning
If I needed them to

What I'm saying is
I have no reason to feel lonely
And yet I do
I feel unspeakably lonely
And yet I don't want to see anyone
I don't want to spend time with anyone
I open up my phone
And there's no one in it
I want to talk to

It's like being hungry
But not knowing
What you're hungry for

You know what I miss?

Every year
Before Thanksgiving
I would go to bed
With my mom in the kitchen
Making something for the next day

We did Thanksgiving at my grandmother's house
So it was quiet the night before
Aside from Mom making
That one last-minute whatever

And it was comforting

Falling asleep with someone else awake
Knowing somebody else was up
Filling the house with life

That's what I miss

Being in the living room
Watching tv

Or being in bed
Reading
Or drifting off

And knowing that someone's up

Someone's in the kitchen
Or taking a shower
Or shoveling snow off the front walkway

It's just enough

Because sometimes I need to be alone
Honestly, I sort of like being alone

But I like having someone nearby too

I like knowing
That someone's there
If I need them

Just waiting
In the next room

Heads and Tails Discuss the Element of Chance

2012-01-16T23:05:00.000-08:00

"I'm almost positive it's going to land on me."
"Well, it's fifty-fifty."
"Uhhh not really."
"What are you talking about? It's fifty-fifty. Everyone knows it's fifty-fifty. That's why we get flipped. We're the symbol of equal opportunity and chance."
"But, okay, and this might just be me, but--Do you know that moment when somebody flips us, and we're up in the air, and you just--you just sort of know which one of us it's going to land on?"
"I never know where it's going to land."
"Oh come on, really?"
"Really. I never know. Not until we land."
"You don't sense it? That feeling that it's going to be one of us or the other?"
"No. You do?"
"Yeah!"
"But what about when we land on our side, and then we spin around a lot, or hit something on the way down? That must throw you."
"No, I still know. As soon as we're up in the air, I know."
"How is that possible?"
"I think the element of chance might actually be fictitious."
"You think something that the entire world has agreed upon is...fake?"
"Yes, I do. I think certain things are meant to happen, and so they happen. You can flip a coin over it if you want, but it's still going to happen. For instance, right now? She's going to get the last piece of cake."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do. I can feel it. It's going to land on me."
"You just think that because you're heads, and everybody always thinks it's going to be heads. Studies show that people will usually pick heads over tails."
"Because heads usually wins."
"No, it doesn't. It's fifty-fifty."
"Theoretically maybe, but in reality--we know there's really no such thing as chance."
"How can you say that? That goes against everything we stand for!"
"That are just too many factors that prove that chance is a lovely idea but a fraudulent one."
"What factors?"
"What about luck? Some people are just luckier than others."
"Luck isn't real."
"But chance is?"
"She's not going to get the cake."
"So you DO have an intuition about this?"
"NO! I just--there's an equal chance both ways!"
"No, there's not."
"She's getting the cake."
"She's--it's--"
"We're landing!"

. . . . .

"...Huh."
"It's...me."
"He takes the cake. Good job."
"But I didn't..."
"You felt it, didn't you? You felt that it was going to be you."
"No, I thought...I don't know. I don't know what I thought."
"It's okay. It's okay if you knew. Sometimes you just...know."
"Maybe I'm just lucky."
"Yeah. Maybe you are."

Elaborate Days

2012-01-16T18:50:00.000-08:00

I'm out of paper
To write things down on

I'm out patience
I'm out of medicine

And I still got thirteen hours
'Til the sun comes up

If it comes up
If it comes up at all

These here are elaborate days
So easy to get lost
So easy to lose your pace

So one day you wake up
To the absence of a ringing telephone

Or that you're older
Or that you're on your own

Can you be my
Steady star
In a summer sky

Can you give me something
I can judge my location by

Can you tell me where I am?

I go to places that I've been
Trying to find forgotten friends

Trying to see
Where I went wrong

I got books I'm never going to read
Faith in which I can't believe

Can't somebody help me?
Can't somebody get me
Past these
Elaborate days

Keep your nickels
Keep your pennies
Keep your wishes to yourself

Second place trophies
Don't interest me no more

I got marks from where the hits went
And darts to throw at pictures
Of myself

That's what's on my shelf

I'm a dreamer
And a fuck-up
And a prince
And a coward

An insomniac
Who keeps falling asleep

Where'd the sun go
It was here just then
Did you see it?

Did you see it?

...or did I make believe it?

The day goes on and on and on
And never seems to go away

The problem is
They're neverending

These elaborate days

Power Ranger Redux

2012-01-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

The Red Ranger
Does speaking engagements

Colleges, community centers
Every once in awhile
A Universalist church

He talks about violence
And its impact
On society

Specifically large monsters
Destroying cities

He always takes a moment of silence
For those who died
In the monster attacks

Thousands upon thousands of people
Until finally, people got smart
And fled Angel Grove

Then it was just a matter of empty buildings
Being destroyed
And then built up again
And then destroyed

The Red Ranger thinks of it
As a sort of metaphor for life

We are torn down
We are built up again
We fight

Every day
We fight

People ask him questions
About the Pink Ranger's descent
Into drugs and alcohol

And he avoids commenting
But does say that he prayers for her everyday
Which is not true
But, which is, a very nice thing to say

The Red Ranger did feel sorry for the Pink Ranger
But he didn't believe in prayer

Not when he'd seen the stars

Not when he'd flown through them
To other galaxies
To fight creatures that resembled
Evil Jim Henson knockoff puppets

He was glad that part of his life was over now
Even though currently all he did
Was talk about that part of his life

The Pink Ranger couldn't handle it
She couldn't handle being unimportant

Sometimes our blood gets used to war
And so peace feels like a disease

And we fight it with things
That seem like war

Drugs, sex, self-mutilation
Anything that reminds us
Of destruction

The Red Ranger touches his belt
And remembers those words--

'It's morphin' time!'

That was always his favorite part

Shouting out those words
And becoming someone powerful

Someone who people counted on
Someone people were glad to see

Now it was someone else's job
And that was difficult to accept

In his mind, he imagines that old Tyrannosaurus somewhere...

Hidden somewhere deep
Within a mountain

Wondering where he's gone

Wondering when he'll be calling again

Saying--

'Hey Old Friend,
Let's save the world'

All the Lucky Time

2012-01-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

"She's sleeping."
"Jesus."
"She cried for eight hours."
"That's--"
"I've never actually seen someone cry themselves to sleep."
"God."
"And that's what just happened. I just watched our daughter cry until she passed out from sheer exhaustion."
"You should have let me go in for a little bit."
"She wouldn't let me go, Steve."
"I know."
"I wasn't going to call you in and hand her off to you like you had the night shift or something."
"Hey."
"I'm sorry, I'm just--she's in so much pain."
"I know, I know."
"And I can't do anything. I can't do anything. And it's just..."
"I keep thinking of Matt's parents."
"We should call them, or go over there, or--God, I don't know what we should do. What's appropriate."
"We should bring Annie."
"No. Not yet."
"This is part of life, Jen. People die."
"Not when you're sixteen. People don't die when you're sixteen."
"My father died when I was fourteen."
"This wasn't her father. This was her boyfriend. Another kid. This isn't natural. This isn't some natural part of life she should have to deal with. Your high school boyfriend doesn't die of some undiagnosed heart condition. That just doesn't happen."
"Well, it did, and I think...I think it would be good if she paid her respects."
"Do we have to talk about this now?"
"The funeral's in three days."
"She's not going."
"Jen--"
"She's hysterical, Steve. She's a wreck. I can't take her to that funeral. I have to--"
"Have to what? Protect her? Maybe she'll want to go. Maybe she'll want to say good-bye."
"She's too young to be dealing with this."
"There's no age limit on dealing with grief. You deal with it when you have to. And, just in case you missed it while she was crying herself to sleep, she's already dealing with it. Tomorrow she'll wake up and she'll be a little bit better. And then the next day she'll be a little bit better and one day--"
"What? She'll be over it? She loved him."
"They're kids."
"Okay, so she puppy loved him, but she still loved him."
"All the more reason she has to go to the funeral."
"I don't even want to think about it right now."
"Out of respect."
"Steve, I'm not even sure I can go to the funeral."
"What?"
"What am I supposed to say to them? His parents? What do you say?"
"You say you're very sorry. That it's awful. That if they need anything--"
"I should call the doctor. I can't remember the last time Annie had a check-up."
"Jen--"
"Just, you know, to be sure."
"They wouldn't have caught it."
"Caught what?"
"His heart condition. They wouldn't have caught it with just a physical."
"It'd be a nice precaution."
"There are also brain aneurysms, you know. Boating accidents. Spontaneous combustion."
"Why do men always have to joke about everything?"
"I'm not joking. I mean, I am joking, but I'm not really joking. Things happen. Let's not turn into human cushions and smother our daughter to death. Matt dying was this--It was a fluke, okay? Nobody could have planned for that."
"I just feel so...I feel so strange about this whole thing."
"Why strange?"
"Because it doesn't feel like anything that I should have feelings about and yet I still have these intense feelings of...Oh God, I'm sick of saying 'feelings.'"
"Hey, our daughter is going through something terrible. It's normal to feel upset."
"No, but I feel like...like I've lost something."
"Well, we have."
"What?"
"Our sense of security. That bad things won't happen to us. That we have this perfect little existence with our good marriage, and our nice house, and our daughter who gets straight A's and--We've done everything right. And shit still happens. And more shit can happen. This time it was someone else's tragedy. But it makes us realize that it could be ours. It could be ours next time."
"God, don't even say that."
"I'm saying we're lucky. And we have to appreciate that."
"If anything happened to Annie, I don't know what I'd do."
"Me neither. If I lost you or her."
"How long do you think we can stay lucky?"
"I think if you think about it too much you waste all the lucky time."
"Is this it? Is this the lucky time? I don't mean now, with our daughter devastated, and a funeral coming up, and all of us just...But I mean, like before that? Before that happened? Was that the lucky time? And when all this is done, and we move on with our lives, will that be the lucky time? When exactly is the lucky time?"
"It's hard to tell, I guess. It's really hard to tell."

Jonah Hill Didn't Need to Lose Weight

2012-01-16T16:46:00.000-08:00

I didn't need to lose the weight
Let's just start by saying that

I'm doing this action movie
And so I have to do these, like stunts
Like, not the big stunts
The big stunts other guys do
But I do, like
The minimal stunts
Which are still very, you know
Physical, so--

I'm doing them
And I have to get in decent shape
So I can do them

And decent shape
Getting in decent shape, I mean
Results in a certain amount of weight loss
So I lost weight
That's all

But I didn't NEED to lose it
I mean, if I could have done the stunts fat
Then I would have
And nobody would have had a problem with that

This wasn't, like
Me needing to lose weight
To help my career

The way that, like
Seth Rogan had to lose weight
Or else he wouldn't be offered projects
Like that shitty Green Hornet movie

I didn't lose weight
So I could get offers
To do terrible second-rate
Superhero movies

I lost weight
And now I might gain it back

Or, you know
I might not
Because, I mean
Let's keep in mind

That it's not a bad thing
To lose weight

It's not a bad thing
To NOT be
A colossal fatass

I mean, that's not a problem, you know?

And being a movie star
Which, I mean, I star in movies
I'm not saying I'm a--

Whatever, it's just not an issue

You know?

And if I get more movie offers this way
Then that's great, but it's not
You know

It's not an issue

It's really not

The Life of a Bluebird

2012-01-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

There is nothing spectacular
About the life of a bluebird

I will be admired, I'm sure
At one point or another

When I stop to rest on a branch
In a garden
Always in a garden

A poet might see me
And comment on me

Make me a part
Of their everlasting art

I might be written down
In a diary or a journal

Someone will say--

'I saw a bluebird today and it meant...'

Well, I suppose it could mean
All kinds of things

But when I die
And I will die

Because all things do

When I die
I will not have meant much
To anybody
For any extended
Period of time

And though this sounds
Like a morbid statement

I can assure you
It is not

People put such a negative connotation
On the idea of brevity

Bluebirds don't

We fly in and out of lives
Environments, atmospheres

We make silent connections
And the move on

But we take care
Not to severe the connections

We carry them with us
Behind us

Like a string tied to our wings
So that one day
When we have taken our last flight
We will slowly land
Letting a thousand strings
Come silently down from the sky
Like invisible rain

No one will bury
Or mourn us

No one will say
They knew us
Better than any other bluebird

No one will feel the loss
Of us at all

And yet we will have flown

We will have flown
Through the sky

And made this world
A little more
Beautiful

What Walter Remembers About His Daughter's Boyfriends

2012-01-15T23:08:00.000-08:00

I remember there was a blonde one
And he was tall
And he called me sir
Which I liked

He seemed afraid
Which I liked

I'd clear my throat
And I'd see sweat come pouring down his forehead
Like he was some sort of
Human fountain

That one didn't last long
My daughter has no patience
For men who perspire

She believes it's a sign of weakness
And she's right

I never sweat

In the army
If they caught you sweating
They shot you

That may be a total lie
But it may also not be a lie

The short one was Italian
I think, I'm almost--

Well, he had a name I couldn't pronounce
And whenever I can't pronounce someone's name
I assume that they're Italian
And I call it a day

He stuck around for a year
But hell if I can remember his name

Probably because I always referred to him as 'Shithead'

Oh, not to his face, of course

When he was around I called him 'Linguini Dick'

I mean, I'm not heartless

Once my daughter broke up with him
There was this unfortunate period
Where she had a new boy every week

Some were notable
Most were not

One called me by my first name
And tried to high five me

I broke his hand in four places
And buried him up to his neck in the backyard
Until his parents came
To pick him up

I informed them that their son was raised improperly
And I'd be happy to recommend a good boarding school for him
Where they'd make him sleep in a bathtub full of cold water
And eat nothing fried cow udder
But they just dug him up
And took him home

Said something about suing me

Goddamn liberals

The last boy was all right
And by all right
I mean, he knew the difference between a noun and a verb
And when I showed him my machete collection
He kept eye contact with me
But also nodded as if to say--

Yes, I'm aware you can kill me
But I'm also not a wimp

I was cautiously optimistic with that one

When he asked my daughter to marry him
He got my blessing first

Truth be told, I was still holding out hope
That my daughter would never marry
And focus on her political career

I wanted her to be the first virgin female President

But I supposed we can only hang so many dreams
On our children
Until they remove some
So they don't get weighed down

With my blessing, he proposed
And then my daughter came to me
And said she wasn't sure she could marry him
Because who would ever treat her
As good as her father did?

And I said, 'Nobody, sweetheart. So you're going to have to settle for this asshole'

And she did
And she's very happy
And, you know--

He's not such a bad guy

I may even learn his name
One of these days

These Are the Boys I Call

2012-01-12T23:52:00.000-08:00

When I want a date
An actual date
I call him

The first guy on the list

He's the dinner-and-a-movie guy
The guy I watch my grammar with

The guy I stay reserved for
Who I'm polite for
Who I don't swear around

Then there's the Mormon guy
Who was from Denver
But whose number I keep in my phone
Because he was so cute
I can't bear to think
That I probably won't see him again
And I should just delete his number

There's the guy I find attractive
But nothing's going to happen
Because he lives in St. Mike's
And I'm not driving to St. Mike's
And he's not driving here
So we're at an impasse
But I like knowing that we both
Find each other
Attractive

There's the Latin guy
Who calls me beautiful
And seems to be composing poetry
Bad poetry
Every time we hook up

There's the adorable Jewish guy
Who moved to Brooklyn
Which makes sense
Because, and if you saw him you'd agree
He was very, very Brooklyn

There's the guy who I see in my phone
And think--Oh I liked him! I should ask him out!
And then he has a boyfriend

It's always a new boyfriend
But nevertheless, a boy friend
That he's always incredibly dedicated to
And so I have him in my phone as 'Bad Timing'

There's the married guy--

Well, there are a few married guys actually
If you want to know the truth
And I'm not counting guys with significant others
Because I'm sure at least a few of these guys have those

I just close my eyes to the whole thing

These are just names in a phone
I can't delve into every possibility
When it comes to what they might have
Or who they might be

Most of the time I don't need them
For longer than a night
Awful as that may sound

I don't want a lifelong companion
I just want some company

What's wrong with wanting company?

These are the boys I call
When I want company

And these are the boys I'll stop calling
When I start looking for more

Until then, the numbers and the nicknames
Stay in the phone

Although, admittedly
It would be nice
To be able to hit one number
And talk to that one guy

And have him come over
And that's that

You know?

That would really
Be nice

Letter to a Grieving Friend

2012-01-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Friend,

We flew in

We flew in from Dallas
And L.A.
And Boston
And Brazil

We flew in
Because we heard about your father
And we felt it was necessary

Despite the expense
Despite the fact that you would have been okay
With us sending a card

We felt it was necessary

For you to look down the center aisle of the church
And see your friends sitting there
In a row

Actually there

To be there

If you needed us

We understand that there are things in life
That should not be phoned in

Birthdays that end with the number zero
Weddings, except for third weddings

You get the first two
But after that
All you're getting is a card
And a 'Good luck'

And funerals
Especially those of parents

Those cannot be phoned in

And so we flew

Right now, we are using sick
And vacation time

We are missing our kids' basketball games
And when they ask us why
We'll say--

'Because there will be other basketball games
But someone only goes through something this hard once
If they're lucky
And it's important to support them
When that happens'

We want to teach our children
The value of friendship

That life is not simply about getting married
And buying a house
And having kids
And then dropping off the face of the Earth

Life is about the people
Who made you
The spouse and parent you are

Because they made you better
Because they were your friends
When you needed them

And so you learned trust
And conversation
And kindness

And now it's time to pay that back

So we flew in

And we're here

If you need us

We know how you are grieving
Because we have lost our fathers too
Or our mothers
Or siblings
Or, in some awful cases
A spouse or a child

And so we know how valuable it is
To be in the presence
Of a circle

A circle of people holding hands
So that no matter which way you fall
There will be hands
To catch you

We will catch you

We are here

And we will be here
For as long as you need us
To be here

Until the sick days run out
And we lose our jobs

Until our children grow old
And forget about us

Until--well, maybe
We're exaggerating

But what we mean is

We're here to do the work
Of being your friend

Because this is not the fun part
Of being someone's friend
This is the work

But it is work
We are proud to do

We are proud
To be able
To be here
For you

So let us

We're in the back
Down the aisle

Ready

If you fall

Sincerely,

The People in the Back Row

Prozac

2012-01-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

You know what I do sometimes?

I pretend I'm on Prozac

I've never been on Prozac
I have no idea what Prozac actually feels like
But, to be honest
I have noticed
That when I tell people I'm on Prozac
I get away with a lot more

It's really sort of incredible
You should try it sometime

It's a little bit like when you go to a party
And tell people you're drunk
So that you can act like a moron
And the next day everybody forgives you
Because you said you were drunk
When really you weren't drunk at all

Oh, you've never done that either?

Well, that's too bad
You should try that too

You really haven't lived
Until you've pretended to be
Under the influence
Of various stimulants
Or de-stimulants
Or whatever

Don't get me wrong
I would never actually take anything

Just the thought of it
Makes me anxious

Then I pretend I'm on Xanax
And the anxiety goes away

See how easy that is?

Nobody challenges it
Nobody wonders whether or not you're lying

Because they think to themselves
Why would anybody lie
About being medicated?

You're supposed to be ashamed
About being medicated
Except I'm not

Because I am a child
Of the present

And the present
Is all about
Not
Being present

So I check out
Except not really

Really, I keep an eye on things

And meanwhile
People underestimate me
They second guess me

They mock me
Right to my face

And they say--

--looking right at me--

'Don't worry. Prozac.'

As if that's my name

And if I'm being honest

It's not such a bad name

Actually, I could do
A lot worse

A Bad Kiss

2012-01-12T00:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going to have to stop you
Because that was...

A really bad kiss
And, I'm sorry
I really am
But there's just no coming back
From a really bad kiss

I mean, the tongue
Why all the tongue?

Why would you presume to think
That that much tongue
Is acceptable?

Were you looking for something?
Were you looking for something with your tongue?
Were you trying to remove one of my fillings?
What was going through your head
Can you tell me?

Because you're not the first one that's tried that
And yet I'm completely shocked every time it does

And your hands!

Where were your hands?

Did they disappear?

I mean, I didn't want you to grope me
But without you touching me
It felt like I was kissing a pair of lips
Suspended in mid-air

It felt like I was making out
With the lips from Rocky Horror

It felt weird
The whole thing just felt
Weird

Oh, and the biting!

Why was there biting?

You know, I'll give you this
You have to be pretty bold
To assume that biting
Is going to be kosher
With the person you're kissing

Especially when you clearly do not have a talent for it

It should be a nibble
Not a full-on bite

You shouldn't leave a mark
On the inside
Of a person's lip

I can't even believe I have to explain this
I mean, do other people go for that stuff?

Have you gotten good reviews for all that?
Am I just a stick in the mud?

Oh God, who says stick in the mud?

Maybe I am the one with the problem
Here, kiss me again
I need to make sure it's not me

What?

You need to finish your garlic hummus
And then have a cigarette?

Never mind

I think I just got my answer

You Don't Know Me Man

2012-01-12T00:16:00.000-08:00

Hey, don't make comments at me, man
You don't know me, all right?

I don't make assumptions about you
Because you work here
And this is shit
This is a shit place to work

Fuckin' two-to-two gas station
In a bad part of town

Man, take your fuckin' finger
Off the alarm button

I'm wearing pajama pants
And a hoodie

Where the hell would I be keeping a gun?

My brother Chris tried robbing a place with his finger
And the store clerk knocked him out
With his fist

I'm not magical like Chris
My fingers don't shoot bullets
Not even blanks

I just don't like you making comments
About how much I smoke

Do I smoke?
Maybe I do
Do you?

Is it my business if you do?

No, it's not
It's not my thing to worry about

We all got to worry about our own shit, you know?

As soon as you start worrying about other people's
You're just asking for it
You know what I mean?

I could make comments about you, man
I could say all sorts of shit about you
But I don't

Because it's not my business
It's not my place
You see what I'm saying?

Where you're at
And where I'm at
May not be all that different

And I may be living in a mansion
For all you know
Because, see
You don't know shit

Millionaires love dressing like they're poor
Don't you know that?

I could be Bill Gates
And you'd be making comments
About how much I smoke
Because I didn't know
The cost of cigarettes
Went up

Well yeah, I didn't know
But that doesn't mean I smoke too much

And yeah, I need to borrow a dime
But that doesn't mean I smoke too much

And yeah I'm belligerent right now
But I'm also smart enough
To use the word belligerent
And use it correctly

And that shows I don't smoke too much

My brother smoked too much
And that's what got him in trouble

So do I smoke?

Maybe

Do I smoke too much?

Not as much as he smoked

There's your answer, man

Not as much as he smoked

Flip the Switch

2012-01-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

Wake up
Feel grumpy
Smile

Tell yourself to smile
Tell yourself a joke
Tell yourself you can nap when you get home

Even though you won't
Because you'll be busy
Because you'll be moving
Because you never stop moving

Don't forget to have your coffee
Don't forget the extra sugar
Don't forget the to-do lists

The stack of to-do lists
That never-get-done

Remember to buy extra paper
For more lists
For more reminders
That you're not moving fast enough

Get in the car
Look in the rearview mirror

You need to smile
You need to start smiling now
You need to stop wasting time being miserable

Misery is a waste of time
And you need all the time you've got

You've got to get over what you didn't do yesterday
And make up for it today

You've got to flip the switch

You've got to remember to charm
And watch what you say
And project onto the world
The person you'd like to be

Ninety percent of being a person
Is appearing to be
The person
That you're not

So you flip the switch
And you're that person

You're undeniably bright
And attractive
And breezy

You seem to not care at all
Or think at all
About how easy it is
To be you

You seem to be at peace with yourself
And whole, a whole person

But that's because

If you're good at hiding anything
It's the switch

So you can flip it

And at the end of the day
When the naps have been skipped
And the lists have, once again
Piled up

You flip it down

And you rest your head
And you take comfort
In the darkness

With one hand still resting
Waiting
To start it all again
When tomorrow
Rolls around

I'm Not Going to Win

2012-01-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to win

They show me numbers
I look at the numbers
They tell me the numbers
Don't mean
What they clearly do mean

But I humor them
I pretend I can't count
I pretend I don't understand percentages
I pretend I'm stupid than I am

There are many idiots
In politics
But I can say
With little boasting
That I am not one of them

If I were
I'd be getting elected
But I'm not
I'm not going to win

Did I think I would when I started?

I thought I stood a decent chance
I thought I firmly believed in my beliefs
I thought I could, and yes, this is a cliche, but--

I think I could bring about change
And help the poor
And improve living conditions
And save the world

And two days after I announced my candidacy
I knew I wouldn't win

So why did I keep going?

Because it's very easy
To convince yourself
You could win
When you're surrounded
By shouting supporters
And microphones
Begging for your voice

It was nice to talk and be heard
And be echoed
I'll miss that

I'll miss my words
Having weight

I'll miss seeing my opinions
In print

Opinions look so lovely
In print

I'm not going to win
But I haven't played dirty

I'm not going to win
But I haven't compromised myself

I'm not going to win
But I can hold my head up high

The problem is
That as nice as all those other things are

The point is to win

The thing is--

All of that doesn't mean much
Unless you win

When You Leave New York

2012-01-11T00:57:00.000-08:00

When you leave New York
By a train, or otherwise
It will be much less quirky
And eventful
Than it should be

It will be a quiet affair
With the city slowly turning into something
Connecticut maybe, or New Jersey
And then it'll be something else
Something that doesn't resemble New York at all

When you leave New York
You'll get a job at an independent bookstore
Or maybe a not-so-independent bookstore
And you'll recommend books
By authors from New York
Books about New York
That take place in New York
That have a New York sort of feeling about them
And you, yourself, will not read these books

When you leave New York
You will work less
You will have more
You will sleep
You will relax
You will not walk
You will drive
You will be glad you left New York

When you leave New York
You will find that 2am is a much later hour than it was
When you lived in New York
You will find it harder
To go back and visit friends
Who live in New York
Because they expect you to stay up so much later than you can anymore

When you leave New York
You will meet a nice person
A nicer person than you would have met in New York
And you will begin a nice courtship
That will end in an amicable break-up
Creating an altogether unmemorable romantic experience

When you leave New York
You will feel older
And younger
At the very same time
Saying your name to yourself to see if you believe it

When you leave New York
You will feel as if you have stopped hanging out
With a friend from childhood
Who became addicted to drugs you only dabbled in

When you leave New York
You won't talk about New York
Aside from at parties, where New York stories
Are more valuable than onion dip

The entire room will rush
When it hears that someone
Has lived
In New York

You'll say--

'Yes, I lived there--and then I left'

And despite everything you could say
And everything that everyone
Would like to hear you say

You'll leave it at that

You'll leave it
Right where it is

Johnny's Big Romance

2012-01-11T00:43:00.000-08:00

He got fucked up
Once, twice
Three times

Broke his nose
Then rebroke it
So it looked all right

Got his hair done
Clipped his nails
Ate right, dressed right
Got himself called a catch

Smoked a cigarette a day
Just for show, just 'cause

Drank a drink a night
Then a drink to wake up

Wrote notes on his arms
In removable ink

But when he found wisdom
He got it tattooed
On places only he could see

He spoke enough Spanish
To seem exotic

Enough French to make love
Enough American to start fights
Enough bullshit to get a girl in bed

And when the bullshit didn't work
He showed her one of those wise tattoos
And pretty soon
She acquiesced

But the girl who showed up at the Tuesday show
Wasn't going to be easily impressed by wisdom

Wisdom wasn't going to pay her rent
Or get her kid to school on time
So she had no use for it
But she did need a job

So they hired her as a waitress
And Johnny bummed a cigarette off her
Outside right before he went on
To sing some cover song
With the band of the night

He wouldn't settle in with any band
But he didn't mind jumping from one to the other

In his own mind
He called himself
'The Wandering Minstrel'

In his own mind
He made himself laugh
Whereas outwardly
He would just chuckle
At the though of himself
With pantaloons
And a lyre

'You think you're something, don't you,' she asked him

And it was the first time
Anybody had ever called him out
And smiled at him
At the same time

That's when Johnny knew
He was in for a big romance

He knew this girl
Wouldn't settle
For anything less

I Want It To Be Yours

2012-01-11T00:31:00.000-08:00

Listen, this ain't about parent and child
Ain't I been a good parent?
Ain't I done my job?
Ain't I?

This ain't a parent and child issue
And not because you're grown now either
Because I don't believe in grown and not grown
You're my kid
So you'll never be grown to me
Grown ain't what I'm talking about

I'm talking about something that's mine
That's all mine

Music, playing
It's the only thing
I was ever any good at

And when I had you
I stopped doing it
And that was wrong

Even though getting another kind of job
Meant we had a little more money
We had a lot less happiness
So I should have stuck with music

And maybe you wouldn't have had as many toys
But you would have had a happier me
And maybe that would have been better for you
Hard to tell, I guess
But I don't think it's a good idea
To give up what you love for your children
Because you think the fact that you love them more
Will stop you from resenting them one day

I don't resent you
But the only reason
Is because I'm starting again
I'm starting to play again

I have to do something for me now
Because I used to think you were for me
And you're not
You're not for anybody
But yourself

People will tell you that's wrong
But it's not
Because those people don't say
Whether or not they want their children
To belong to their grandchildren
They don't think of it that way

But I did
And I don't want that for you
I didn't raise you to be my grandchildren's
Whole life and being

I want you to have your own life
Your own being
Your own soul

I want your joy to be yours
Not someone else's

Not something someone else
Gives to you

And you gotta teach your children that too one day

That they gotta be able
To give themselves joy

They can't wait on you for it

We all have to have our own thing

And that's what I want you for you
And that's not a parent child thing

That's just about what each of us as people
Not as parents and children
But as people
Need to do
To be our own selves

And I want that for me
And I want that for you too

I want it to be yours

Whatever it is

I want it
To be all yours

We Speak Modern English

2012-01-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

We speak modern English
We dated Emilio Estevez
And Corey Feldman
And Corey Haim
And every Goonie
And all the guys from 'Stand By Me'
And Ally Sheedy, but I mean
Who didn't?

Who didn't date
Ally Sheedy?

Demi Moore was lost to us
Lost to us forever

So was Rob Lowe
We just held onto him longer

We lost Judd Nelson
But not all of Judd Nelson
And we still believe
That one day
We'll get him back

We confess to things
Constantly

We're very aware
Of our messages
Our moral messages
And we make sure
They can be solved
Whatever problems we have

We guarantee
They can be taken care of
In half an hour or less

Our parents don't understand us
Our teachers all over the age of a hundred
And nobody thinks about sex
Or has sex
But us

We don't engage in politics
We don't address the world at large
We don't wear clothing that fits us
Or dance in ways
That are comprehensible
To people
Who actually know
How to dance

And yet
We have more fun than they do

And this mystifies them

We speak modern English
And culture
And Culture Club

We have fun
And we know we shouldn't
Because things are going on around us

That are not fun
That will reveal themselves to be
Quite awful
At a later point in time

But for now
We get it

We understand it

We speak it

And it all
Makes sense

What Makes You Feel So Young

2012-01-10T23:10:00.000-08:00

So you feel young, huh?

Young again, all of a sudden

Is that what you're saying

I'm not surprised

Why wouldn't you feel young?

You've got no responsibilities
No priorities
No pressure

You walk out on your wife
And your kids

And you go around
Telling everyone
How great you feel

How you're a new man
Well, that part's right at least
You're a new man
Because you're sure as hell
Not the man
I married

And I'm sure you feel great
I'd feel great too
If I didn't have to worry about our kids
Or our house
Or being embarrassed
About myself
And the stupid shit I've done
And the fact that I've left my wife with everything

All my crap
All my bills
All my problems

Problems that used to be ours
Back when we were two adults
In this together
Back before you found someone
Who made you feel young

Meanwhile I still have to get up early
And not for school either
For work

Remember work?
Remember when things took work?

Because I have to work
I don't have the luxury of learning things
Before I do them

I don't have the luxury
Of getting thrills
From somebody half my age

I don't have the opportunity
To wake up one day
And decide that I can walk away

And even if I did have the opportunity
I'd die before I'd take it

I'd break my feet
Before I'd use them
To walk away
From my responsibilities

From my family

You feel young?

Great

Keep feeling young

Because the only thing I remember
About being young

Is that youth
Doesn't last
For long

At Her Touch

2012-01-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

Look at the way she runs her hand
Across...

Well--anything

Kitchen counters
Office desks
Oak bannisters

Look at what happens
To anything made of matter
When she puts her hand on it

Look what happens
At her touch

Water ripples down
Instead of out

Sand pulls together
Instead of separating

Grown men dissolve
Actually dematerialize
Into all the parts of themselves
That they have ever been

Maybe it's the soft pink fingernails
Maybe it's the softness of her hands
Maybe it's the weight of it
Her touch
How slight
Like a feather's breath
Gracefully landing upon you
Then lifting up again
Into the air

It could be a lot of things
But I think it's mainly her

It's mainly the way
She convinces you
Just with her presence
That you are all she's focused on

You are all there is to her

And she makes you believe in this
And in her
And in yourself
And that you're stronger than you are
And still open

Open to whatever it is
She can give you

She leans in and whispers something
And your hand goes into her hand
And without saying it
You ask her to stay

To keep touching you
To stay within your atmosphere
To be your air
Your oxygen
Your safety net
Your inspiration

And she says 'yes'
And her hands settle

And you feel connected to something

Something that rests and occurs entirely

At her touch

The Opening Speech

2012-01-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

I can still do the speech
The opening speech

Please, no talking
Here are the exits
Enjoy the show

Some of the other actors
When they'd do the speech
They'd elaborate
Or add things
Jokes, stuff like that

And they would always get a laugh
Because nobody expects the opening speech
To be funny
Because it's not supposed to be
Because it's an opening speech
It's not a part of the play
It's the last bit of reality
The audience experiences
Before the play begins

Some of my fellow actors
Usually the ones
With small roles
In the show they were introducing
Used to try and take that opening speech
And make something out of it
To compensate for the fact
That they weren't going to be doing much
In the production itself

It was as if they thought--

'Maybe I'll win the audience over
As I'm telling them where the fire exits are
And then they'll wonder
Why I don't have a bigger role in the play'

I never did that

Oh, I did a lot of other things
A lot of bad things
That I shouldn't have done
Because I was an actor
And that's all I was
And when actors only have to act
They become lazy, egotistical
Troublemakers

A papercut becomes the real-world equivalent
Of an axe in the head

So no, I was no saint
None of us were

But I never used the opening speech

I never had it do anything
But what it was meant to do

Introduce the play

Please, no talking
Here are the exits
Enjoy the show

I always remember
That last part

The beauty of that request

Enjoy the show

Nothing's better than saying that

And feeling that wave rush over you from the audience

As if they're saying--

Okay

We're ready

You're Not Always Supposed to Like Your Wife

2012-01-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

The thing about you is
You seem to have this funny idea
That you're supposed to
Like your wife

That is a dangerous idea, son
Ideas like that
Could ruin a marriage

Expecting to life your wife
And her to like you
Is exactly the sort of thing
That makes people feel like they're not as happy
As they could be
When in reality
They're as happy
As they're gonna get

Do you think I always like your mother?

Now, think about that

You know your mother
Do you like her all the time?

Of course not
So why should I?

And I like that lunatic you married
Even less
Than the one I married

That's not abnormal, son

Liking who you're married to
Is like winning the lottery

It's not likely
And you probably don't know anybody
Who's experienced it

The point isn't to like people

That's your problem
You're always trying
To like people

Hell, I don't like anybody

I don't like my friends
I don't like boss
I don't like your mother
And most of the time
I don't like you all that much either

Everybody tosses that word around--

'Like'

As if love's not good enough

When I was growing up
Love was all

We didn't have 'like'

You didn't think about
Whether or not
Somebody liked you

My father thought if too many people liked you
It either meant you were phony
Or dull
Or both

And I didn't like him all that much
And that's okay

Because I loved him
And I love you
And I love your mother
And you love your wife

And the sooner you learn
To take that
And put some value in it
And not worry so much
About the comings and goings
Of what it is you like
The happier you'll be

Now finish your coffee

Yeah, I know they made it wrong

Drink it anyway

You gotta learn to like
The thing that's sitting
Right in front of you

The Birthday Cake

2012-01-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

No, no, no

It needs to say--

One second, please
One second

Hi Janice, Clint's on Line Two
He wants to know if the files
For the Coral Account is ready yet
And he--

One second, please
Hold on, Janice

Hi, yeah, listen
It needs to be a Destructo Man cake
And it needs to say--

Happy Birthday Teddy

Does anything you've done
Resemble that request
In any way?

You put a teddy bear on the cake?!?

Why would you--

One second, please hold

Hi Clint, I don't know if ALL the files are ready
But I think I heard her say
That she's made progress
On at least some of them
So basically I'm telling you
That we haven't done anything
But we've been attempting to look like
We've been doing things

Annnnnd please hold

Listen, can you make the teddy bear
Look like a little boy?

My son is fairly hairy
For a nine-year-old

On his head, I mean

Are you sure nothing can be done?

Well what does it say?

I'm sorry, but even if I planned
On throwing him a bar mitzvah
It certainly wouldn't be
Without the next week

So the teddy bear
Saying Mazel Tov
Just isn't going to cut it

Do you have a bar mitzvah cake lying around
That you could turn into a birthday cake?

Maybe one with a rabbi on it
That you could turn
Into Destructo Man
Or maybe a--

One second, please hold

Janice, you're fired
I realize I have no power to fire you
But somebody should
So it might as well be me

Clear out your desk
Or don't
I don't care
One second

--You know what?

I'll take the bar mitzvah cake

Just give the teddy bear
A really big gun

Can you do that?

Great

One second

Hi, Marjorie?

It's me

I'm going home early today
Janice has been fired
Clint is probably going to fire the company
And I have to go home
And convince my son
He's Jewish

I'll see you Monday

Bye

Ugh

Oy vey

But It's Not His Fault

2012-01-08T23:58:00.000-08:00

I roll my 'r's
And I bury my 't's

I waste my time
And I savor my waste

I can't read clocks
And I can't read books
And I can't read people
Or people's looks

The bruises on my arms
Won't disappear

But it's not his fault
It's not his fault

I watch tv shows I can't remember
I wrap gifts wrong
And I spoil surprises
And I draw attention
And when I can't draw
I drown

But it's not his fault
Not his fault at all

I've got a temper
And sharp teeth

Long nails
And bad habits

No money
And nothing to show
For having no money

I eat when I want
So I never eat

I'm sick all the time
So I never know
When one cold ends
And the other begins

My eyes go back and forth
Like those clickety-clacking balls
Rich business men
Who don't do anything all day
Keep on their desk
So they have something
To look at

But it's not his fault
Believe me
It's not his fault

The loneliness may be his fault
The cold bed
The dead plant
The empty fridge
The broken stove
The feeling that I'm surrounded and alone

At the very same time

But that's probably just me
Just me being me

And none of it
Is any of his responsibility

So please
If you're going to blame someone for me
Then just blame me

Because it's not his fault

I'm not
His fault

Sassy Baby on the Monitor

2012-01-08T23:42:00.000-08:00

Hello?

Hellllloooooo?

I know you two did not leave me in here
Alone by myself

I do not sleep in a room by myself
Like some sad little teddy bear

(I'm sorry, Smooches, but it's true
You live a life of desperation)

Hey! I'm crying in here!

Somebody give me lots of attention
And maybe a jar of peaches

I cannot believe you even put me to bed

It is two o'clock in the morning
And I slept for ten minutes today
And ten minutes yesterday

I...am not...tired

I could bake a cake right now
If you'd just let me use the oven

I don't know why you're always trying to hold me back
Telling me 'no, this' and 'no, that'

No using kitchen appliances
No playing with strange animals
No getting a tattoo during the early development years

I feel like a prisoner in this house!

Are you doing that thing
Where you ignore me
Until I go to sleep?

Because let me tell you something

Let me let you in
On a little fact

I can stay up all night
And I will cry
Or making choking sounds
Or say words I'm not even supposed to know yet
Until you come into this room
And tell me how cute I am
And rock with me in the rocky chair
And feed me peaches
And tell me a story
And let me hold Smooches
And wait with me until the sun comes up

Because I'm sort of
Kinda
Not thrilled with
You know
The Dark

And before you say anything
Just let me inform you
That you're terrible at getting rid of monsters
Because the one in my closet
Is still hanging out
Eating my diapers
And telling me I can't stick my toes in my mouth

I keep saying 'Who are you to tell me I can't stick my toes in my mouth?'

If they weren't meant to go in my mouth
Why would they fit so perfectly inside there?

Honestly, everybody just wants to keep me down
And keep me quiet
And ruin my fun

I better not hear you sleeping

Because I'm the baby, here
And if I'm not sleeping

Nobody's sleeping

Full Disclosure

2012-01-08T23:30:00.000-08:00

Now, under the terms of full disclosure
I am required to tell you
That the house's previous occupants
Were a married couple
And they were very unhappy

Oh no, they didn't kill themselves
Or each other
Or anything like that

God no, of course not
What an awful thing to suggest

No, they were just terribly unhappy
Both of them
Just miserable

With themselves
With each other

They probably would have murdered themselves
Or each other
Or whomever happened to be passing by
But they were also cowardly people

So instead they stayed in a loveless marriage
Until they died
Here
In this house
Within an hour of each other

They found him on the porch
Writing a letter to his wife
That said--

'I've always hated you'

And she was upstairs in the bedroom
Reading a book called--

'What to Do When You've Spent Your Life with the Wrong Man'

I'm not sure what advice
The book gives
But needless to say
She was never able to implement it
Because she died in her bed
With the biggest frown on her face
You have ever seen

And now the house reeks of misery

Oh, I don't think it's haunted by ghosts
I don't believe in ghosts

No, what I'm talking about
Is this sort of feeling
That floats in the air

The feeling that unhappy people lived here

Fought here
Cried here
Felt trapped here
And then just died

Sometimes I think people overflow with sadness
So much so that it pours out
Into their surroundings

And that's what I think
Happened here

. . . . .

So!

Do you still want to see that Colonial
On Davidson Street
Or should I show you the upstairs bedroom
Where the children they never had
Might have lived
Had they had them

Of course

That's what I thought

When God Became An Atheist

2012-01-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

When God became an atheist
The churches grew taller
And stronger
And cut into the sky
A hole so deep
God felt God felt tumbling down
Into an experience
Of pure nature

God tasted berries
And they were sweeter

God swam in the ocean
And it was deeper

God danced with someone
And it turned out to be Joy
And Joy filled God
And believe it or not
That had never happened before

When God became an atheist
God lower-cased the 'g'

Because it was important to be among
The things on earth
Not above them
No longer looking down on them

Saying there's a plan
And yet there's mystery

There's fate
And yet there's faith

There's free will
There's choice

God gave up whatever plan there might have been
And told people to go
Just go and see what happens

God felt like what parents must feel like
The first time they let their child
Go into the water
Alone

But god trusts the water
And god trusts the child

And god knows that one day
The child will have to make due
Without god

Because god will be dead

And rather than see that as a downgrade
That, like humans, god will one day cease to be
God finds it beautiful

That god will be part of life's cycle
Just like all things
And ideas
And stories

Everything
Beautiful and profane
Must end

God sits outside a church
On a bench
At a bus stop

And thinks--

What now?

What's next?

Where do I go from here?

The Problem with the Throne

2012-01-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hey, you know
I hate to be like this
I really do
I mean, being the new king and all
I really just want to say I'm happy with everything
And don't go to any trouble on my account
And I'll just the old china
And the old bed
And the old bejeweled scepter
That the old king used

But uh...

The throne?

I think I'm going to need a new throne

Well, first of all
It's just too small

I don't mean, like
For a king

I mean, like
For a human being

How big was the old king?

I mean, I know his name was Edward the Mighty
But that throne is barely two feet off the ground

Is there any chance
He was a leprechaun?

And the color--

I mean, I can't entertain dignitaries
And decide matters of state
While I'm sitting on a pink throne

Oh, well, I'm sure visitors do giggle at it
But, you see, I'm not really going for giggles here

I don't want to be giggled at
It's actually sort of crucial to the kingdom's safety
That I don't inspire giggle fits
In our enemies

And why is there all that drapery
Hanging all over it?

I feel like I'm trapped in a genie's bottle
Whenever I sit on it

All those pillows
And that quilt

I mean, it's just unnecessary

And I don't mind the legs
But do they have to have monkey feet
At the end of them?

I'm sorry
But that is just creepy

That throne looks like a human stomach
With a fabric shop inside of it
And monkey feet

I get ill just looking at it
Let alone sitting on it

I'm sorry
But I really have to insist
That you replace it

I don't know what sort of perverse, effeminate dwarf
You had as king before
But I'm not going to be
That sort of king

So please
Do away with it
And bring me something suitable

Thank you

Now, let me ask you something

Do I have to wear the wig
That's attached to the crown?

Of Which We Are Capable

2012-01-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

You'd be amazed at all the things
I'd do for you

You have no idea
None at all
What it is I'm capable of
Because of how I feel
For you

Please stop looking at me like that

Please stop looking at me
Like I've done something wrong

I haven't done anything wrong yet

That's not what this is
This isn't a confession
This isn't me telling you anything
That you shouldn't already know

Don't you know this stuff?
Don't you know how I feel about you?
Don't you know what I would do
For someone I care about?

Why are you still looking at me
Like I'm about to say something?

I'm not about to say anything
I'm just waiting for you to say something
So I can stop talking

Can you just say something
So that I can feel better
So I don't have to keep talking?

Can you just do that for me?

You know maybe I wouldn't have to talk so much
If you gave me anything
Anything
To work with here

If you showed the slightest sign
Of...

Of devotion, or...
Like, what people used to have
Like, when people loved each other
And that meant something
Like when they killed for each other

Would you do that for me?

Would you hurt someone for me?

Of course not
Because you're not capable

No, I know you're going to tell me
That you love me

And I know that
I'm aware of that

That's not the point
The point is--

You're not capable
Of doing what it takes
To make me happy

To give me what I want
To show me

You can't show me
Anything

It's not just about
Who we love
Or how much we love

But that of which we are capable

Capable of doing
For the ones we love

You can love me
From here to there to wherever
And when all is said and done
It doesn't matter
One damn bit

Because you
Have limited
Capabilities

And I don't

I don't

Stop looking at me

Stop trying to see
What it is
I've done

You don't know what I've done
And what I could do?

What I could have done?

That you can't even imagine

If You Spend the Night

2012-01-06T23:15:00.000-08:00

If you spend the night
You have to leave in the morning
Before I get up
And if I get up in the middle of the night
And you happen to get up as well
You have to hide under the blanket
And pretend you're not there
And if I ask 'Is somebody there?'
You have to say 'No'
So I can go back to sleep

Do not cuddle me
Do not spoon me
Do not wrap your arms around me
Like we're in the sand
On a beach somewhere
Being romantic people
Who do romantic things
Because that is not us
That is not who we are
Or who we are going to be
At any point--ever

Okay?

If you spend the night
Do not whisper to me
Don't whisper anything

Don't tell me how good I look
Don't tell me you've never felt this way before
Because you'll be lying
Because if you've had sex
And I'm hoping you've had sex
Because otherwise I'm seducing a virgin
And that is just really not okay with me
But if you HAVE had sex
Then you've felt what you're feeling right now
And everybody has
And anyone who says they haven't
Is lying
Through their teeth

By the way, don't use your teeth
On any part of me

If you spend the night
Don't breathe into my neck
Don't smell my hair
Don't be weird
Or you might as well leave

I don't have people stay over
I never let people stay over
But you can stay over, if you want
I mean, if that's something you want to do

I'll stay on my side
You stay on yours
And we'll...just sleep

Is that all right?

All right?

All right

Then I guess we'll go to sleep

And you can put an arm around me

Just one

Only one

Okay?

Okay

And a leg

A leg can be involved and...

Okay, let's just--

I'll--

Tell you what

Let's get breakfast tomorrow
And I can tell you
All my rules

Not just my sleep-over rules
But like, my rules for...everything

Okay?

Okay

Great

Well...

Goodnight

He Doesn't Talk

2012-01-06T02:04:00.000-08:00

He doesn't talk

I have no idea if he speaks English
I'd ask him, but he'd nod
Which wouldn't mean anything
He nods constantly

Sometimes a question hasn't even been asked
And he nods and nods
And I have to tell him
That it's impolite to nod
When nobody said anything worth nodding at

What do you mean 'Why am I marrying him?'

Why not marry him?

He is, perhaps
The first man
Who has ever gone this long
Without disappointing me
By revealing some awful fact
About himself

Usually by now
I've heard about an overbearing mother
Or an addiction to something
Or toes that look like chicken fingers

Not with him

With him I know nothing
Because he doesn't talk
And it's a wonderful
Situation

Almost everything they tell you
You need in a marriage
Is highly overrated
And potentially fatal
To the aforementioned marriage

Communication
In-depth knowledge of the other person's wants and needs
Sex
Compatibility

All highly unnecessary

This man sits with me on my living room sofa
And watches twelve straight hours of whatever's on the Style network
Without making so much as a peep

Show me one husband
Who would do that
For his wife

I'm not even entirely sure
What I have here is a human being

I met him at a bar
I mentioned that I was about to turn forty
And so I'd have to be getting married
Within a year or so
Or risk having to practice saying things like--

'I'm sorry, but I have to get home before NCIS starts.'

I asked him if he was interested
In being a husband
And he nodded

So I took him home

And we've been very happy ever since

Oh sure, it's not ideal

But ideal is something you grow out of
Like miniskirts and optimism

Eventually you're just happy
That you have someone sitting next to you

Someone who understands
That love in its purest form
Is silent

Attention

2012-01-06T01:55:00.000-08:00

He'll break bottles
And he'll crack cans
And he'll crack corn
And he'll crack skulls
And hell crack his head open
If we don't give him
Attention

If we don't pay attention
He's going to break something
That can't be fixed

He's going to make a mess
Cause a scene
Shout until he runs out of air
Pass out and wake up
And do it again

That'll be the price we pay
For not paying him
Enough
Attention

He got into our lives
Like moths into clothing

We feel like it's our fault
That he is the way he is
That he does the things he does
That he screams
And kicks
And acts like the child
He never stopped being

There will be accusations
And histrionics
And hysteria
And hell to pay
If we don't pay him
Attention

He'll tell us
How he spent the money
We loaned him

Money we knew
We were never getting back

He'll give us all the gory details
We don't want to hear

About dark corners
And back alleys
And other dime store mystery cliches
That probably aren't true

The truth is he probably misbehaved
In a very mundane way

Gambled our money
Or spent it on shit
He locked away somewhere

So nobody could ever accuse him
Of having anything

He likes believing he's poor
And deprived
And starved for
Attention

And when we finally give in

When we finally sit down next to him
And say 'What? What do you want?'

Brother
Father
Baby boy

What is it?

What is it you need?

He'll look at you
And me
And put his head
In one of our laps
And say--

'This. Just this.'

As if it were
The simplest thing
In the world

The Simplicity of Showing Up

2012-01-06T01:44:00.000-08:00

I'm picking him
Because he's boring as hell
And I need that

You excite me
You turn me on
You make every part of my body
Feel as if it's on fire

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

A person can't live
Feeling like they're on fire

Eventually, no matter how intriguing the fire is
You're going to want somebody
To put it out

That's what he is

He's the hose
That put out
Your fire

Oh, don't get dirty
You know what I mean

See, I want to have kids one day
And even though you may be exactly what I'm looking for in a man
You're the last thing I'm looking for in a father

I don't want my kids to have chase you
The way I have to chase you
To get you to notice them
To pry that smile of approval out of your lips
To hope you're where you're supposed to be
When you're supposed to be there

That's fine for me
Because I like a challenge
Because being dumb makes me feel young
But I'm not giving that to a kid
And telling them it's a father
When we both know it's not

I'm picking him because he's patient

He'll make popsicle stick ashtrays
And Lego fortresses
And science projects
And treehouses
And he'll love every minute of it

You?

You'd get bored

You're always bored
You're bored now

The love of your life
Is standing here
Telling you
She's taking off
With another guy

And all you're thinking about
Is how elaborate you can be
While you're trying to get me back

When really
All you'd have to do
Is show up

See, it's so simple
And you can't do it

And he can

He can appreciate the simplicity
And effectiveness
Of showing up

And that's why
I'm picking him

And Then the Lights Go Out

2012-01-06T01:38:00.000-08:00

Kat cashes out
Then puts a sweater on
The tits go back in
And the umbrella comes out
She wants to peel the sex off her
Like a wet shirt
But instead she goes out in the rain
And reminds the owner
She has tomorrow off
To spend some time with her kid

Two guys eat pizza
In front of the window
Facing the chain pizza place
The one that's gonna put this pop and uncle shop
Out of business in five months
They talk about shit
And laugh about nothing
And finish their pizza
Wishing they had something else to do
Somewhere else to go

The all-night coffee shop's packed
Because there's a test tomorrow
So the economics majors are cramming
While some late-night poets
Address major philosophical quandaries
Over dark, dark Peruvian brew
Snapping their fingers
When they hear something they like

Keira folds t-shirts
Because she doesn't want to go home
To hear her Mom go on
About her sister's latest boyfriend
And how was work today
And why are you home so late
And are those scratches on your arm?

The moon dips down
Just enough to bump a star
And it goes down, down
Into the middle of the street
Where a guy rides over it
With his bike
But as he does
He makes a wish
And the wish comes true
But the guy never knows it
Because the wish didn't look like itself anymore
Once it became a reality

Letters on signs go dark
Marquees announce new movies
Everything open is now closed

And then the lights go out
And the city is full of book readers
And long walks

Somewhere a girl drives home
To see her kid

And she looks forward
To tucking him in

A Squirrel and A Toad Discuss Art

2012-01-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

"Are you sure?"
"It's finished."
"You say it's brilliant?"
"It's the best work I've ever done."
"It certainly is. It's incredible--"
"Thank you."
"--For a rabbit."

. . . . .

"Pardon?"
"I was just saying that what you did was very impressive."
"Oh."
"For a rabbit."
"There it is again."
"I think this piece is a great stride forward for your kind."
"My kind?"
"Rabbits aren't exactly known for their artistic prowess."
"And frogs aren't known for their critiquing prowess."
"I'm a toad."
"And I'm a bunny."
"Is there a difference?"
"I should slap you."
"Let's remain civil."
"I've created a masterpiece."
"It's lovely."
"It's a masterpiece."
"It's quaint."
"It's a masterpiece."
"It's decent."
"You're demoting your own compliments."
"I'm aware. I was trying to be kind. What I meant to say is that for Rabbit Art it's a nice piece--"
"Bunny Art. It's Bunny Art."
"It's been done."
"By who?"
"Squirrels."
"Squirrels have been doing Bunny Art?"
"Back then it was Squirrel Art, and back then, it was relevant."
"It is still relevant. It is an expression of my soul."
"Listen, nobody's interested in seeing a bunny express its soul. Now, if you were a hare--"
"Hare Art is tacky. It's cheap. It's 1987 with teased hair and a Member's Only Jacket."
"It's vintage."
"It's old. That's all it is--old."
"At least it was new at one point. This was just finished and already it's stale."
"You just don't want to admit that a rabbit created such an immaculate object."
"Immaculate? It's a painting of a carrot."
"The Ideal Carrot."
"What's ideal about it?"
"It's a representation of so many things. Desire, hunger, lust--"
"Lust?"
"It symbolizes everything that I am."
"You're a bunny."
"I am what I crave. A bunny craves a carrot."
"I've seen better carrots than that at a Ruby Tuesday's salad bar."
"You're full of envy because you know I'll never sell you that painting."
"The only place you could see it would be at a Floridian flea market."
"You're nothing more than a chipmunk that people don't want to pet."
"And you're merely a wad of cotton with bad taste!"

. . . . .

"I'll give you five hundred for it."
"Sold."
"Let's never speak of this again."
"Deal."
"Good."
"Admit that it's a good carrot."
"It's not good. It's... exquisite."
"There. That's all you had to say."

Shannon in the Light

2012-01-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

This isn't bad, she thinks
This isn't bad
There's nothing wrong with this

I'm young
I look great
I'm doing what lots of women do
I'm entitled to this
I'm allowed

But once she hears the word 'allowed'
She knows that's what it really is

She allowed herself to do this
But now she feels like it was a bad idea

Like a parent letting a teenager
Take their new car
Out for a spin

She didn't feel this hesitation
While she was setting up the camera
Or putting on the red lingerie
Or arranging her bedside lamp
To give herself
More illumination

Then she started thinking about the purpose of this

These photos

Would she send them to anybody?

An ex-boyfriend, maybe?
An old flame?

Or would she save them
Until a new guy came along

Maybe she should wait until then
To do this

No

If she waited
She'd never do it

She gets the camera ready
She strikes a pose
She feels...

Ridiculous

But, like
Good ridiculous

So she snaps the photo
And then another
And then another
And then another

She doesn't even stop to see
How they turn out

She just keeps taking them
And laughing

And with each shot
She feels less dirty

Less old
Less fat
Less wrinkly

And more...

More like she was right when she thought--

This was something
She needed to do

Something she'd been needing to do
For a long, long time

The Ongoing Significance of Steel and Flesh

2012-01-04T22:26:00.000-08:00

When the robots learn to dance
Then I'll be scared

Then I'll run into the street
And ask for prayers

When I'm artificially aware
Of my not-so-organic intelligence
Then I'll ask you for advice
On how to rid my house of mice
And how to be more nice
And twice a day I'll let you reset me

I
Am a connected
Human
Being

And I don't see what's wrong with that
I don't see the problem
Or the issues
Or the ethics
Or the wrong ideas

I haven't seen my money
In years

All I see are numbers
Shown to me
On a computer screen

My food tastes like numbers
My clothes fit like numbers
My ears hear numbers when I dance

Yes, I still dance
Do the robots dance?

Because when the robots dance
I'll be worried
But right now
I'm drinking

I'm drinking to the new millennium
Not the one we're in

I'm over the one we're in
This millennium
In terms of culture
And consciousness
Was over two years before it started

I'm ready for the next thing
The next horizon, you know?

I'm ready to have poetry
Installed into my morning coffee

From now on
Living
And experiencing
Will be the same thing

Everything will have update potential
Blueberries will have update potential

In a few years
We'll have blueberries 2.0

And skin will be steel
And steel will be skin
And nobody will be able

To tell the difference

Why I Did Nothing

2012-01-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, I saw that man hitting the other man
And yes, I thought it looked--

It looked bad, yes
It did look bad

But, you know, what was I supposed to do?

Jump in with them?

How would that have made things better?

You know, I got kids?
I got kids
And I can't go
Jumping into every fight
To save some old guy
Who might be on drugs or something
Hell, they both might have been on drugs
Him and that kid

How was I supposed to know
The kid was a robber or a mugger or whatever?

It's none of my business

You know, there was a time in this country
When people minded their business
And that was okay
Nobody expected you
To stick your nose in every place

Now, if you don't get involved in every little thing
People treat you
Like you're as bad
As the people doing whatever it is you're not stopping

I mean, what if that guy had a knife?
What if he had a gun?
What if he pushed me backwards
And I fell and cracked my head on the sidewalk?

I knew someone that happened to once
And they had kids
And now their kids are missing a parent

That wasn't because they got involved in anything
That was just because they were drunk
But do you see what I'm saying?

You gotta watch out for things
You never know when doing something
Is going to lead to you getting into trouble

And for what?

For some person you don't even know?

I mean, don't get me wrong
I'm a Christian
I know Jesus did all that nice stuff
For strangers and whores and whatnot
But Jesus didn't have kids

Jesus could see the future
Because he was, like, magical or something
Son of God, whatever

So don't tell me to be like Jesus
Tell Jesus to come down here
And help that old man himself

Because I gotta worry about me
You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes you just gotta worry
About you

The Third Lead

2012-01-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

Hey Paul, can I talk to you for a second?

Great
Thanks
Thanks so much

Um, first of all, let me just tell you
That I am so glad
The show is doing so well
And I'm so happy
To be a part of it

Truly, I am thrilled

But uh, I just had a question
About the, uh, the show's
Opening credits

Remember, how I used to be
Third in the credits?

After Marana and Ted?

Well, I noticed
That this season
I'm no longer third

Now I'm after Marana and Ted and Colin
So I was just sort of wondering
What
That
Was
About
And
Stuff

I mean, I realize he's sort of the break-out star of the show
And that, ultimately, helps the show
So that's great
But, uh, this is his first show
And the only thing he's ever really done, really
And I've done movies, and two other t.v. shows
One of which was a huge success
And I played Cody the Detective on it
And the only reason I left that show
Was because A) It was cancelled
And B) I was supposed to be the third lead

And now I'm the fourth lead
And there really isn't even such a thing as a fourth lead
So basically, I'm a nothing

So, I was thinking
Maybe you could just bump Colin back to fourth lead
And by fourth lead I mean nothing
Bump him back to nothing, okay?

Great
Thanks
So happy
Grateful

Huh?

Yes, I realize he was nominated for an Emmy
And a Golden Globe
And a SAG Award and--

Okay, I get that a few people like him

But he's not the third lead
I'm the third lead
My lawyers had to argue with your lawyers
For months
So that I could be third lead
And now just because some other guy is more talented than me
He gets bumped up
Just like that?

No

I'm sorry, but no

This is not about talent
This is about business
This is television

We don't just randomly alter our opening credits!

What if they did that in theater?

What if in some production of The Sound of Music
Leisel was better than Maria
So they let Leisel or Elka or whoever the hell
Bow last?

That would be anarchy

Just like this is

Now, I demand you put me back in third place
Where I rightfully belong

Got it?

Thank you

...Unless you want to put me at the end of the opening credits

With the words 'Very Special Guest Star' in front of my name
Because that would be--

Okay, I'm leaving

Go, third place!

I gotta tell you

It feels good to be back

The Scenic Route

2012-01-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

I take the scenic route home
Even though it takes an extra twenty minutes
And sometimes it's late
And I'm tired
And yes, the scenic route has more cops on it
And yes, you still have to drive by the sketchy gas station
And the restaurant that's probably run by the mob
But it still beats the other route
And so
I take it

I take it
Because when I take the other route
I have to drive by
Run-down houses
And that sad church
And the sad school
Next to the sad church
That I imagine sad children go to
And the whole thing is just sad

And even though
You know, I like where we live
We also, happen to live
Ten minutes
From a really, really bad neighborhood

BUT

We also live twenty minutes
From a really, really nice neighborhood

A cute neighborhood
With nice houses
And nice schools
And Mom and Pop shops
And a pizza parlor
With one of those cartoon Italian guys on the window
With the funny mustache
That curls up on both ends
And I know there's a name for what kind of mustache that is
But I can't think of it right now

The point is
One day I want to live in that neighborhood

But in the meantime
We live in our neighborhood

Between a good neighborhood
And a bad neighborhood
And even though it's quicker to drive through the bad neighborhood
It depresses me

It depresses me to drive that route
So I take the scenic route

Even though it's not traditionally scenic
Because there aren't really trees
Or parks
Or statues of people
Who fought in the Revolutionary War

But it's...

It makes me feel like
We're on our way

It makes me feel like
We're on our way to something better

It makes it feel like it's close

Like it's closer
Than it actually is

So I drive through it
And I pretend
And when I get home

I feel better

I feel better about where we live
And who we are
And what we have and...

It just makes me feel better, okay?

And that...

...Seems worth it

It seems worth it
To take
That extra time

If it tricks me into
Feeling better

Math Methods

2012-01-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I personally like to teach the Hindenson method
Which they stopped teaching in 2009
After they discovered Hindenson was a Nazi
But I mean, what does fascism have to do
With dividing fractions, am I right?

Anyway, they're bringing it back now
Slowly, of course, slowly
But I can tell you with the utmost certainty
That no child in this country
Is getting into a decent private high school
If he can't demonstrate a firm knowledge
Of the Hindenson Method
On an entrance exam

Granted, you can't completely disregard
The Tomayo/Grouper Method
Which is what they started using
Once Hindenson's Method was called into question
But I find it to be incredibly confusing
Even though it does take into consideration
New European teaching techniques
Which are currently becoming very popular in America

To be on the safe side
I would probably memorize
Both the Hindenson and the Tomayo/Grouper methods

Now, each take about a year to learn
So we have a lot of work to do
If we want your child
To be doing something
Other than mixing coleslaw
At Chuck's Chicken Shack
In twenty years

Oh, and I just heard about this method
They're teaching in Minnesota
Which involves crystals
And blindfolds
And it might have been started by pagans
But they used it on toddlers
And now those toddlers
Can both divide fractions
And predict snowstorms

So we should probably at least glance at that
You know, for four to eight weeks
Again, just to be on the safe side

I am so happy that you've hired me
This is going to be great for little--James? Joe? Jenna?

Never mind

I call all my kids by the same name--

'More'

Yes, it is an instruction
But it's also something
They need to have ingrained in their heads
At as early an age as possible

'More'

Want more
Do more
Exercise more
Read more
Study more
Crave more
MoremoremoremorehoneywhereareyougoingwiththekidsImsorryIsignedthemupforphysicscamp!

You know, like that

So!

Shall we get started?

We have a LOT of work to do

The Tutor

2012-01-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I am just so happy to hear
That Maxwell is doing better
In Geometry

That is such a relief

And, you know, honestly
A lot of the credit has to go to you

You have been the most amazing tutor
Between spending so much extra time with him
And doing those practice tests
And wearing that amazing perfume
That just smells like almonds and pineapple pulp--

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm just so happy
About the geometry
All those triangles being--

Worked on
And figured out

And the rhombus!

I bet you taught Maxwell
How to do stuff to a rhombus

My God, you're a miracle worker

A kind, generous, busty miracle worker

I mean, trusty--trustworthy-y, is what I meant
And you are so--that

But you know, even though Max is going into Trigonometry next year
And I know you don't offer that
As part of your...services

(Haha wow, what a funny word
Makes you sound like a hooker
Which I'm sure you're not
Even though I bet you'd look amazing
In the boots)

I still think he has so much more to learn from you

Like...Spanish

Do you speak Spanish?
Maybe French?
Italian?

Can you type?
He's such a slow typer
It worries me

No?

Okay, uh...

You know what?

He's a really terrible driver
And I often watch you drive away from our house
From my window
While I, sort of, breathe out slowly
And you really seem to have the hang of it
Drive, I mean
So maybe you could, you know
Tutor him in that
Or something

Wait, don't go!

Tutor me!

I'm so stupid
I know nothing
I've never even read Persuasion
I don't even know if that's a book
Teach me to love learning
Teach me to garden
Teach me to act in a kabuki play

(That takes, like, a million years, right?)

No, please!

PLEASE!

If you want to tutor children
I'll have other children for you to tutor!
Dumber children
Who won't pick up things so fast

Just let me talk to my wife about it, okay?

OKAY?!?!

Well, Maxwell
She's gone

Yes, I see that 'A' on your report card son
And let me just say
I hope you're proud of yourself

Because I'm sure as hell not

Why Will It Work With Me?

2012-01-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

"So what did you think of Amy?"
"Uh, she's...She's nice."
"Well, I'm glad you like her."
"Yeah, I am too."
"It's just nice to have the girl I'm currently dating and the girl I was dating get along, because, you know, Amy and I are still really close."
"Yeah, we--it's--She's great."
"Yeah, she's really cool."
"No, I mean, she's great. Like, she's honestly really great. I...I'm kind of...um..."
"Oh honey, no! That's not what I meant to have happen! I didn't want you to feel jealous or anything. I feel absolutely nothing for her anymore. I mean, we're friends, but that's it."
"No, no, I believe you. I guess I just...I'm confused."
"About what?"
"Why you broke up with her."
"Oh well, I just didn't like her anymore."
"Yeah, but...why?"
"Well, uh, I don't know. I just...stopped."
"Uh huh."
"But then I started liking you. So...See how that wound up working out for you? For me, I mean--for us?"
"I'm just sort of concerned that you randomly stopped liking such an amazing person. I mean, did she say she built schools in Haiti?"
"Jamaica, actually. She probably should have built them in Haiti. They probably need them more there. So see? Not such a good thing."
"And she's so funny. She had everybody laughing--"
"I know, annoying, right? I mean, like, if I wanted to laugh I'd date Carrot Top!"
"You think Carrot Top is funny?"
"I just picked, you know, a random--"
"And did she really run into that burning building when the--"
"Look, she was nice, but it just didn't work."
"But everyone at the party tonight loved her. My friend, Jen, who I brought loved her, and Jen hates everybody. I'm her best friend and she even hates me. And she LOVES Amy."
"And I didn't, but I love you."
"But what if you stop loving me?"
"I won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because I just know."
"Did you think you'd love Amy forever?"
"Of course, or I wouldn't have stayed with her."
"So you're saying it's possible that you could stop loving me."
"Well, I mean, I guess, yeah, I guess it's possible. But it's also possible that you could stop loving me."
"No, it's not. I've never stopped loving anyone. I'm always the break-up-ee, and the person I'm dating is always doing the break-up-er, and I liked you, initially, because you also seemed like a break-up-ee, but clearly you're not, because if I had an Amy, I would certainly not break up with her."
"People are complicated, okay? Emotions are tricky. Relationships are difficult."
"You're just spouting random platitudes."
"I know, but that's all I got."
"Why will it work with me if it didn't work with her? Just answer me that, and I'll feel better. Answer me with something concrete that isn't 'I don't know, it just will.'"
"It just will, I don't know."
"You realized you just reversed what I asked you not to tell me and then told it to me, right?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't notice."
"Are you saying you're sure with me?"
"I mean, I'm--I'm as sure as I've felt since..."
"Since Amy?"
"Since the last time I was sure."
"That's...not...at all...comforting. Like, in any way."
"I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do."
"Well then...Well then, I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know."
"Okay."
"I feel like--Like you can't stay in something--a relationship--you can't stay in a relationship if you don't know it's going to work."
"But who ever knows, I mean, really? Like who ever really knows?"
"I don't know."
"You keep saying--"
"I know! I don't know! I just...I don't know."
"So let's just...take that chance, okay?"
"It's, like, a huge chance, you know?"
"Yeah, but--what else can we do?"
"She was better than me."
"She wasn't--"
"No, she was. She was better than me. And that's okay. Certain people are better than me, but..."
"But?"
"How are you supposed to believe you're going to do better than someone who's better than you? How can anybody believe that?"
"I..."
"Yeah. I don't know either."

Inside the New York Snowglobe

2012-01-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

Inside the New York snow globe
The buildings are not to scale
They're not even sort of to scale
And the people inside the snow globe
Complain about that
A lot

These are the people you can't see
Because they live inside
The not-to-scale buildings
While the happy, smiling
Always-wearing-winter-coats people
Standing outside the not-to-scale buildings
And hold hands
And cheer up
Whomever might pick up the snow globe
And shake it

The people in the buildings complain about the shaking
A lot

They also complain
That whenever the snow globe shakes
Snow-that-isn't-snow
Flies everywhere
And crashes through the windows
Of the not-to-scale buildings
Wreaking havoc
On the little apartments
And often injuring
The Complaining People

The happy outside-the-building people
Try to cheer up the people inside
By telling them
About all the things
They see through the glass of the globe

Giant people
Giant hands
Giant fingers leaving giant fingerprints

This terrifies the Complaining People
And does not cast astonishment over them at all
As it does for the Not-Complaining-People
Because the Not-Complaining People
Can only feel astonishment
And joy of the purest form

The Complaining People
Can only look outside their fake windows
And see the fake Empire State Building
And the fake Statue of Liberty
And the fake Times Square
And wonder what it would be like
To really see these things
In their non-fake form

Instead they eat fake tv dinners
And dream fake dreams

They turn to their fake spouses
Who complain even more than they do

And they say--

'Look outside, it's snowing'

And the fake spouses say--

'It always is, darling

It always is.'

When They're on Break

2012-01-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

When they're on break
The streets are empty
Dead empty
And it is--wonderful

It is serene and peaceful
Like the air
Before it snows

It's like soup weather
All the time
Soup and PBS weather

There's no yelling
No drunks in the street
No brawls
No girls taking off their heels
To hit other girls with them

No accusing someone of being a hooker
Just to find out
That they're actually a grad student
Studying mechanical engineering

When they're on break
The intoxicated guy trying to pick up a mailbox
And throw it through a store window
Is just some crazy town drunk
And not a Medieval Literature professor

There's no 'us' and 'them'
Just 'us'
And it's...nice

It's nice to have the town be
Just us

Of course, the local economy takes a hit
The restaurants are dead
The clubs and bars, even more so
And the lovely quiet becomes an eerie calm
Faster than you would think

When they're on break
We visit each other
At our stores
And homes
And talk about how nice it is
To have the students away on break

And then we talk about...

...Well, nothing

Because nothing
Is actually
Happening

Fridays and Saturdays
Feel like Mondays
And Tuesdays

Whole events become pointless

Sunday brunch
Becomes sleeping in

Thursday Happy Hour
Becomes Go-to-Bed-Early Night

Saturday afternoon shopping
Becomes standing behind counters
Watching the clock
Wondering where we'll go tonight
Since everywhere...

...is sort of...

...lame

When they're here
We talk about how much
We hate them

How they destroy everything
How they're so obnoxious
How there's no parking or peace--ever

But when they're on break

We really, really
Want them back

While We Take Photos

2012-01-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

We smile while we take pictures
We smile and hold the smile
We smile and try not to show too much teeth
We smile and put up a peace sign
We smile and put down the peace sign realizing we look stupid
We smile and put up with smiling
Because we want the photos to turn out right
So that our parents can go home with them
And show their friends
And say--'Behold, my child is in college'

A college with a lovely quad
And a big brick library
That looks like it survived the Revolutionary War
And gazebos
And dorms with ivy crawling on them
Even though this is not an ivy league school
And it seems like the ivy
Is a floral example
Of false advertising

It's a lovely school

While we take pictures
Mom plays with her iPhone
And tries to figure out
Which restaurant we should go to tonight

All we do is go to restaurants
And order whatever we want
And drink wine

We drink wine with our parents
Which is incredibly weird
Because, despite our best efforts
Wine gets us drunk
And it gets them drunk
And then we're drunk with our parents
And that is beyond weird

While we take pictures
Our Dad looks around
And imagines his college days
And hopes that we're not doing the things
That he did in college
Not even a tenth of the things
That he did in college

Even a tenth of the tenth of the things he did
Would probably result in us dying
And he's not sure how he didn't die
And yet, at the same time
He really, really misses college

While we take pictures
We start counting down the hours
Until our parents will leave

Not because we don't love them
But because, in some way
We're not their children anymore

We drink now
We've done drugs--like real drugs
And no, we don't do those drugs anymore
The real or unreal kind
But we still did them

We have sex now--regularly
And not, like high school sex
Not handjob sex
Not over the pants sex
Like, sex sex

And we're careful--usually
And when we're not careful
We get checked
And then we're super careful the next time

But we're--

We're making mistakes now
Like, adult mistakes
And we're studying constantly
And we're working part-time
And we're probably getting a tattoo
Somewhere our parents will never see

And meanwhile, they take pictures

They take pictures of us
Their children
And they can't tell that something's changed

Or maybe they can
But they can't figure out
What exactly it is

What is it that's different
What is it that's wrong
What is it that's making us
Have to fake a smile
When before we would just...smile

And what they don't realize is--

It's the obvious answer

The one anyone without kids
Would think of

We're growing up

And as much as they might want it to
Taking our picture
Won't stop that

It won't freeze us in time

It'll still happen
And when they go home
They'll look at those photos
And try to see
What it is
They're missing

When You Were Just Proud

2012-01-01T21:54:00.000-08:00

I liked it better
When you were just proud

When there weren't conditions
Or 'but's or 'however's

When there weren't critiques
Attached to every compliment

I realize that at one point
What I did was new and so
You were being supportive
Just, unrelentingly supportive
And that was great

And then that support
Started to, like, chip
Like it was being chipped away at
By--something

Maybe the fact
That it just wasn't new anymore

What it was
I was doing

But see, it seems like, you think
There was this point
Where I suddenly became
Okay
Like, confident
Like, supremely confident
In what I was doing
When in fact
I have never reached that point

I am still as insecure
And subconscious about what I'm doing
As the first day I started doing it
And so, even though this may make me sound needy
I don't care
Because I'd rather have you think I'm needy
That have you think I'm thick-skinned
When I'm not--I'm really not

And the thing is
I want to be
So I don't correct you
When you're giving me
All your critiques

But you should know
That each one of those critiques
Is like a little pebble
Being shot into my face

So I need you to stop
I need you to stop
Shooting the pebbles
Into my face

I need you
To just
Be proud

Or don't
Be proud

But, just please
Don't be a critic, okay
Don't be my critic

Because when they say 'Everyone's a critic'
They mean it

They really mean
That EVERYONE is a critic

So, can you just be one less critic
That I have to deal with?

Please

Because I really loved it
When you were just proud

Not If You're Leaving

2012-01-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

"Hi, welcome to Staycation."
"Hi, do you need to see my ID?"
"No, I just need to know if you're staying."
"Uh, well, I was thinking of going to another bar around one. My friends are at Flip so--"
"No, I mean, in the city."
"Oh, well, yeah. I'm not leaving the city tonight."
"Uh huh, and in the next five years?"
"Uh...I'm not--"
"How about the next three years? We'll accept plans for the next three years."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"We only allow people in who plan on staying within the city for the next three to five years."
"Uh, are you joking?"
"Not at all. We find our patrons enjoy knowing that when they come here, they're not going to strike up a conversation with some wonderful person only to discover they're leaving in two weeks for Ontario."
"But you can't make that kind of a condition."
"Why not?"
"Because you can't. Look, people move. It's what they do."
"Not everybody. Some people are perfectly happy staying where they are, and that's the sort of clientele we're interested in providing an atmosphere for."
"Okay, but what if someone says they're planning on staying, and then something comes up."
"Well, that's perfectly understandable. But all I asked was--Do you plan on staying here?"
"I don't...know."
"Well, if you don't know, then you shouldn't be out trying to connect with people just so you can have a fling before you head off to--Greece, is it?"
"How did you--"
"I mean, it's really kind of wrong when you think about it."
"So I'm supposed to shut myself inside my house for two weeks until I leave?"
"So you are leaving?"
"I--"
"You should spend these last two weeks saying good-bye to old friends. Not trying to make new ones."
"I'm not trying--"
"But that's what'll happen. You know that, right? Inevitably, you'll end up meeting someone great, and then you'll take off and make them feel like a jerk for being stuck here."
"That's not the plan."
"No, it's not the plan, but it's what will happen. Isn't it funny how the people who are addicted to moving are also the ones addicted to making new relationships right before they take off? It's the thrill, isn't it?"
"You know what? I'll just go somewhere else."
"That's usually your m.o., isn't it?"
"I don't have an m.o.! I don't even know what an m.o. is!"
"You should leave. Go to Flip. Go to Greece. Go to the moon. You just can't go here. This is where you go if you're not leaving. If you want to commit to being here."
"Yeah, and how many people can do that nowadays, huh? How many people can commit to anything? Do you have a lot of people in there? Do you have a lot of people who are saying to themselves 'Yes, I want to be exactly where I am now in three to five years? I mean, isn't movement good? Doesn't it mean growth? Doesn't it mean progress? Ugh, it's like stupid Our Town."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, in Our Town, Emily dies--"
"Spoiler alert."
"Sorry, but seriously, it's Our Town. Who doesn't know Our Town?"
"Anyway--"
"Anyway, she dies, and then she comes back as a ghost and is like--Oh wow! I miss clocks! I miss bacon! It's the tragedy of life! But the real tragedy is that she never WENT ANYWHERE! She spent her whole life in Our Town! I mean, how depressing is that?"
"Maybe she liked Our Town."
"It's a Thornton Wilder play! Who wants to live in a Thornton Wilder play? You might as well live in an episode of The Donna Reed Show!"
"Maybe she liked it because it was her home."

. . . . .

"Yeah, I mean...maybe."
"Some people like where they're from."
"Yeah, but...yeah."
"And that's who's inside. Right now. People like that."
"Well...well that sounds nice, but..."
"But?"
"I'm not one of those people."
"Oh."
"So, I guess I'll just stay out here then."
"You're not going somewhere else?"
"No, if it's okay with you, I'd like to hang out for a little bit. Maybe someone from in there will come outside."
"Okay, but I don't--"
"I'd like to ask them what it's like. What it's like in there."
"Oh."
"Can I do that? Can I just...stay here for a little bit?"
"Sure."
"Thanks."
"No problem. Make yourself right at home."

This Is Success

2012-01-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

So most of my friends
Used to hate me

I mean, at least
In some capacity

My friends are all actors
And actors are, by nature, competitive
I mean, we have to be
And so, aside from like, my friend Jen
Who everybody loves
Because there's always one in every group
That everybody loves
Because they're like
Pure goodness
But, like, aside from Jen
We all have varying levels of, like
Okay, maybe not hatred for each other
But definitely fear

Fear that one of us will do really well
And steal that portion of success that exists out in the Universe
Away from the rest of us

I mean, like, who's any movie star's best friend, you know?
And, like, not even best friend
Like, acquaintance

There aren't many groups of friends
Who just all became successful, you know?

So when one of us does
The odds of it happening for the others--

So, there's fear
You know
There's fear

And then I got the movie
Which was...

A big deal
I mean, it was
It was a big deal

And everybody...stopped...talking to me

I mean, not everybody
Jen still talked to me
Jen was happy
She was--so happy
For me
Which was--

But a lot of people
Clearly were--
Like, upset

A lot of people were--
Most just stopped talking to me
Like, altogether
Just--stopped

And I mean, I made new friends
Of course
Like, friends who were as successful
As I was going to be
And that was fine, but--

I didn't realize that...

That they were that afraid
That afraid of someone making it

And so now I don't have anybody
Who remembers me, from like
Before, like--

Like before the movie

And, it's...

It's weird

You know, your history is in people

It's not on some timeline
Or, like, in photos
Or in a book somewhere

It's in the people you know
And the people you've known
And who know you
And knew you

And I don't have those people anymore

And that...sucks

It really sucks

I wish I could say something eloquent about it
But really?

It just sucks

This is success

Nobody would believe me
If I told them

But it's true

This is success

Two Guys

2012-01-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Here's how I know I'm getting older:

There are always two guys
At a party

Always

The same two guys

And it doesn't matter
How big of a party it is
Or how fun it is
Or anything

There are always--

Two guys

One of the guys is like--

The fun one

Telling some story
That involves him
Being loud
And gesturing a lot

And the other guy
Is standing by
Having a drink
Enjoying himself
But not, you know
Asserting himself

Now

When I was younger
I would have sought out that quiet guy
On the sidelines

I would have wanted
To find out his story
Cheer him up
Get him to involve himself more
Chase, and chase, and chase
And usually--

Usually he'd spend all night
Telling me about the person he's dating
Who just moved to wherever
And he's got so much baggage
Because of the situation
And I'm so nice to talk to him
And boy oh boy
What a great new friend he's made

And--

And here's how I know I'm getting older

And now
I see that guy
And I see the guy
Telling the big story
Making the big moves
Getting everybody to laugh
And enjoy themselves
And I say--

Regarding the quiet guy
I say--

With all due respect
To quiet guys

Fuck that

I'm partying with the fun guy

Because, you know
Life is too short to be quiet

And it's really too short
To be spent
Trying to get quiet guys
Not to be so quiet