A Message to the Graduates

Thank you, graduates

For having me here today

Here is my message to you:

It’s going to get bad

I mean, not right now
Now is fine

Or maybe now’s not fine

But trust me

Even if now is not fine

It’s going to get worse

And if it’s fine now

Trust me, it’s going to get so much worse

Worse will show up at your door

And punch you right in the face

So it’s probably better if you know now

That now might not be as fine as you think it is

Maybe you’re in shock

I don’t know

But now is limbo

Now is not now

Nothing is really happening now

And in that way

Now, or whatever now is right now,

Is wonderful

Savor now

But also know

That now is going to end

In tears and heartache

All of you have been going to school

Since, I mean, since you had consciousness, right?

I mean, can you even remember what your life was like

Before you had to go to school?

Probably not

And you’ve been going to school for all but—

What?

Four years of your life

Now imagine, you’re done

You’re finished

I don’t want to use a prison metaphor, but—

It’s pretty much exactly like

Being released from prison

And, like a prisoner who’s been in a cell his or her entire life,

Getting out is going to seem wonderful

Until you realize how ill-equipped you are

To deal with being out of prison

And even though in prison

They tell you

They’re rehabilitating you

And preparing you

For the outside world

What you learn once you’re actually out there

In the outside world

Is that nobody can prepare you for the outside world

Preparing someone—anyone—for the outside world

Is like trying to hold a jellyfish in your hands

While the jellyfish is trying to sting you in the face

Or do, you know, whatever jellyfish do

It’s impossible

Because the outside world changes every single second

The things you need to know change

The skills you need to have become obsolete

The people you need to meet die in clown car accidents

I’m being silly, but only so you don’t get really depressed

While I’m explaining this to you

It—is going—to get—AWFUL

If this wasn’t a prestigious event

And I could say ‘fucking awful’

That’s what I would say

I would say ‘Things are going to get fucking awful, y’all’

And I would say ‘y’all’

Even though I’m not from the South

And Southern people don’t even really say ‘y’all’

All that much

But you get my point

It’s going to get bad

And what the people who are supposed to be preparing you for the outside world

Teachers, parents, family members, clergy, dentists, etc.

Are supposed to be telling you

Is that it’s going to get awful

But the truth is

They’re all too scared to tell you that

I mean, they suggest it

They hint at it

They insinuate it

But they’re not going to come right out and say it

Which is unfortunate

But I don’t blame them

Because now I’m saying it to you

And I can see all your eyes welling up with tears

Some of you look mad

A couple of you look like you want to hit me

But please don’t hit me

I’m not your dentist

I can’t take it

I’m just a messenger

And the message is—

It’s gonna suck

For awhile

And then…

It’ll start to not suck

It’ll get better

Like, slightly better

Not like, crazy better

It’ll get—I guess I should say bearable

It’ll get bearable

And then bearable becomes tolerable

And tolerable becomes okay

And okay becomes fine

Like real-fine, not the fake-fine

That some of you are experiencing now

But, like, actual fine

And then good

And then decent

Or decent and then good

They’re sort of interchangeable, but a little different as well

And then one day you’ll wind up at that awesome place

Great

You’ll be great

And that’ll last for what’ll feel like forty-three minutes

And then things will suck again

For what feels like years

And that’ll be your life, pretty much

I mean, unless you win the lottery

Or you end up in a North Korean prison

Life pretty much goes that way

It’ll be good

Then it’ll be bad

Then it’ll be really bad

And the other bad won’t seem bad at all

And then it’ll be like life is doubling down on the bad

And you’ll be begging for the first bad back

And then it’ll ease up a little

But it still won’t be good

And then it’ll get even worse

And it’ll be so bad because it was just easing up

And then it’ll climb ever-so-slowly back to okay

Back to fine

Back to real-fine, not fake-fine

Although, at that point, you’ll take fake-fine in a heartbeat

You’ll be so brow-beaten

You probably won’t even notice the difference

Between fake-fine and real-fine

And that’s, you know…

Fine

So…

The message of this speech

I guess, if there is a message,

They didn’t say whether or not

There had to be a message

But I assumed there needed to be

Because it’s a graduation speech and everything

But uh, well, I guess

If there has to be a message it’s—

Really enjoy those forty-three minutes

I mean, really enjoy them

When they show up,

You buy those forty-three minutes

A steak dinner and you spring for the desert

Because once they’re gone

It feels like they’re never coming back

…But, you know, they do

…Usually

…Occasionally

…Sometimes

The bad news is

You never know if they’re coming back

And the good news is

You never know that they’re not coming back

You know?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, of course you know

You’re graduates now, right?

That means you know

All sorts of stuff