Paulina Makes a Movie

You there!

Slut Number Five

Put sweater on
To cover your bludingas

They are exposed to world
Like man hanging in public square
For joking about tsar

Paulina did not venture into the perverse and depraved world
Of adult film
Because she was interested
In seeing you in your birthday flute

I merely hope to make quick money
So I can vacation
To glorious, tropical paradise
Of Minnesota

That does not mean this will not be just any sick pornographic film

This will be a sick pornographic film WITH CLASS!

You there!

Man with Unnecessarily Large Pinunu!

If you had that back in old country
We would have sold you to Nikolai Ivenoski's
Traveling Circus
And called you 'Human Ring Toss'

I have no girl here
With large enough booshnita
To accommodate you

Nor am I insured
For such a thing

You must leave immediately

Slut Number Three!

Why are you looking at Slut Number Seven?

Do you wish to engage
In Slut on Slut sexual activity?

I cannot permit such a thing

One of you resembles my third grade teacher Mrs. Ilyitch
And the other resembles Natasha the Stuttering Farm Girl

Watching such a thing
Would bring back too many memories
And Paulina cannot afford to get emotional
On such an important day

This film will be called 'Filthy Sluts and Perverts Realize the Terror of Their Ways and Put Their Clothing Back On'

In front of each of you
There are raincoats
And giant tarps
With which you will cover yourselves
While you stare into the camera
And weep openly
While begging for forgiveness

'Guilty Porn'

It is Paulina's gimmick!

A twitch that has not been filled

I will fill it up
Until I can fill no more!

Pervert Number Eleven!

Why do you seem aroused by my statement?

Ugh...

So many freaks
Working on Paulina's classy smut film

That is last time I hold audition
In the same city
As a Tea Party convention

I wish I were making movie back in Russia
Where we would shoot all the actors
Immediately after filming

Ah well...

QUIET ON SET!

Annnnd...

TRACTION!

Emo Boy at a Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party

Um, did you ASK to have your cake
Be shaped like a polar bear?

Are you aware that polar bears
Are slowly becoming extinct
Due to global warming
Due to corporations and governments
Having no regard to the environment?

Do you realize that by eating that cake
You are symbolically contributing
To the death of an entire species
Making you no better than the Fat Cats
And the Corrupt Senators?

Now that you're turning six
You need to start thinking about these sorts of things

Did your grandmother actually buy you
A Throat Slasher action figure?

Even though Throat Slasher
Promotes violence
And chasing dumb sorority girls
Through the woods

Both of which are bad

I was going to buy you a present
But I decided it was more important
To teach you
The value
Of anti-materialism

Which is, like
My religion

Instead, I planted a tree in your honor

I mean, I ate an apple
And then, like
Put one of the seeds in the ground
And said a prayer to the Apple Gods
That a tree would grow

And so now it's in that patch of dirt
In front of the mall
Where a tree would be awesome
Because it would shield
The temple of consumerism
From public view

Plus there'd be, like
Apples whenever you wanted them
Like, if you HAD to go to the mall
Because, like, maybe a girl you like
Who's been brainwashed by society
Is now working at the Gap

And so you visit her
But only to try and get her to quit

It'd be cool if, like
You could also pick some apples
While you were doing that

I guess...

Are you still going to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey later?

Even though it promotes
Violence
Against animals?

Why don't we play pin-the-embezzlement-charge-on-the-broker game instead?

It's a way harder game

Is that a pinata?

Did you know that they make those in Guatemalan factories
Where poor little Guatemese children
Are forced to slave away day and night
Just so you can have something to hit
Thereby, once again, encouraging your caveman tendency towards violence
All so that tooth-rotting candy can fall out
And possibly poke somebody in the eye
Thereby, blinding them for life
And, if they were going to grow up to be an artist
Depriving the world of beauty?

...Well, now you know

It's okay, you can still play 'Duck, Duck, Goose'
Even if it is a game that promotes isolation
Bullying
And inappropriate touching

I have to leave anyway
To go see that girl at the Gap
And persuade her
That's drenching her soul
In bad karma
By working there
And that one day it'll affect the children
I assume we'll be having
Once scientists isolate the gene
That guarantees your kid will be
The best guitar player of all time

Have a good birthday

And by the way
That clown over there?

Probably uses environmentally unfriendly
Non-organic face paint

Just putting that out there

The Friggin' Doctor's Office

Benny!

Bennyyyyyyyy!

Stop running back and forth in the hallways!

This is the friggin' doctor's office!

People are finding out they have leprosy right now
And you're running around, screaming
Like Johnny Rude Boy

Doctor, look at him
Clearly he's ill

I know my son
And he may like to sleep in
But when I can't get him out of bed
By bribing him
With tickets to 'Throat Slasher 5'
Something's wrong

BENNY!

Don't touch that friggin' bubbler!

Sick kids have touched that bubbler!

You wanna get scurvy?

Then we'll have to cut off your arm

You get scurvy and you lose your arm

You lose your arm
Your eye falls out
And you winkie goes inside your kidneys

Bing bang boom

Do you die?

No, you don't die!

Why would you say that?

Ohhhh God, don't even say that

I'll put myself in the ground with you
If that happens

Doctor, I can't live without this friggin' idiot

He's gonna be all right, isn't he?

Because if he's not
Just hit me over the head with that stethoscope
Until I'm dead

He's gotten three new freckles since yesterday

I went online and found out
When you get three new freckles
It means you got botulism

It's from when he ate those hot dogs
Out of the can
At his friend's house

I don't mean to speak ill of the Pusini's
But I wouldn't let my goat
Live in that house

NO, BENNY, WE'RE NOT GETTING A FRIGGIN' GOAT!
IT'S AN EXPRESSION!

AND DON'T TOUCH THOSE Q-TIPS!
THEY REUSE THOSE!
I SAW IT ON 60 MINUTES!

Doctor, my Uncle Richie got three new freckles
And the next week he was DEAD

They said it was a heart attack
But I don't buy it

He was the healthiest eighty-seven year old
You ever met in your life

Ohhh, how I cried at that funeral

Normally I'm hard as a stone
But when God takes 'em young like that

BENNY!!!

Stop licking that friggin' Highlights magazine!

It's not a pretzel!
Why are you lickin' it?

You know what happens when you lick dirty magazines
In the doctor's office?

Your tongue falls out
Your fingers turn backwards
And your ears pop out like Dumbo

Bing, bang, boom

Doctor, what's wrong with him?

Just give it to me straight

I can take it

Tell me he's got rabies
I know it's rabies
He was chasing the cat this morning

...What?

Chicken pox?

CHICKEN POX?

BENNY!

YOU GOT CHICKEN POX!

YOU'RE GONNA LIVE!

Ohhh, now I gotta take care of him
Night and day
Until he's cured

Benny, get in the car!

I'll take you to the video game store
Buy you one of those 'Steal the Hooker's Car' games you like
To keep you happy
While you recover

Look at how happy he is
That friggin' kid

Full of joy
And riddled with disease

You got kids of your own, Doc?

Let me tell you
You don't know what you're missing

The Villain Officiates at a Wedding

Before we begin
Let me just say
That I was so thrilled
When Evil Larry
And Sort of Evil Chris
Asked me to officiate their big day

I bet most of you weren't aware
That I was able to marry people
But being an evil villain
Isn't as lucrative as you'd like to think

With the economy being the way it is
I haven't even been able to afford
Getting my Death Ray fixed

MI-6 has been employing twin secret agents
And when I went to shoot one of them
I caught another one out of the corner of my eye
And I thought I was seeing double again
Like when I tried to blow up Bora Bora with two bombs
And it turned out to only be one place

The explosion really did a number on my cornea and--

Anyway, I fired wrong, and the Death Ray's ray
Bounced off a wall
And hit the gun itself
Which, apparently happens
When you have the Death Ray set to 'Boomerang'
Even though of course
They don't tell you that when you buy it

But that's neither here nor there
This isn't a day about death
It's a day about marriage...

...Okay, so maybe it's a little bit about death

But this isn't just any marriage

This is the first gay marriage
To happen
Right here in my Evil Garden

Which reminds me

Sort of Evil Chris
You might want to stand a bit further away
From those plants

They're genetically engineered
To latch onto a man's genitals
And suck them back into the earth

I wasn't sure it would actually work
Until my brother-in-law came over
And now I think my nephew may remain only child

I can still remember the first time
Evil Larry told me about Sort of Evil Chris

I didn't even know Evil Larry was gay
Until I went to blow up Florida
And he begged me to spare Key West

He thought I would judge him
For being who he is
But I told him
That any man who could get a member of the Scandinavian Royal Family
To smuggle jewels right into Evil Larry's hands
Was okay by me

By the way, what happened with those jewels?
Didn't the Prince tell you he was going to--

A metaphor?

What do you mean a metaphor?

You said he put his jewels right in your--

Ohhh

Well, now I regret e-mailing him
To ask if he'd let my mother
Wear them around her neck for a day

Evil Larry and I were together
When he met Sort of Evil Chris

Chris tried kidnapping a secret agent
And when the secret agent engaged him in combat
Chris knocked him unconscious
Ripped his arm off
And ran off with it

We said--'Chris, you only SORT OF kidnapped him'

And the nickname just stuck

Hahahahaha

Oh, memories

I'm so glad I could be here
To join the two of you
Together
For all time

Because at the end of the day
It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight
Or tall or short
Or have an evil mustache that curls up
Or goes down over your mouth like a Russian labor camp guard

What matters is that
You have someone to love
And hold hands with
While you're torturing Mexican ambassadors

That's what life is about all about

So thank you, Larry and Chris
For having me here
On this special occasion
In your life

And I'd like to apologize on behalf of my evil koala bear, John Tesh

Although I did warn you
That if you made him the Ring Bearer
There was a chance
That he would eat at least one of the groomsmen

I had no idea he would eat Chris's cousin Chet as well

But hey, let's not let little things like that
Ruin our big, gay, evil celebration

Do you, Larry...

Charlie's Grandson

I never met
My grandfather

He died two years
Before I was born

I'm not named after him

This isn't one of those stories
Where I'm named my dead grandfather
So don't get the wrong idea

My father says that I look like him
He says it once in awhile
And whenever he does
My mom looks uncomfortable

I guess he and my mom
Didn't always get along

She doesn't like it
When I play the piano either

I wanted to take lessons
But she told me
That I would have more fun
Taking karate
Or going to theater camp

But I felt like I should be playing
The piano

I felt so drawn to it

I remember hearing a song once
Walking over to the piano
In my livingroom
Sitting down
And just playing it

The first time it happened
My mother was washing dishes

She heard the music
Thought maybe I had turned on a radio or something
And came into the room
To see me sitting at the piano
Playing a song
From memory

When I was done
My hands came off the keys
Like I had just touched
A hot pan on the stove

'I'm sorry,' I said

'Don't be sorry,' she said, 'That's why we have the piano.  It was your grandfather's.  Somebody should play it.'

She came and sat down
Next to me
In front of the piano

'I know you didn't like him,' I said

My mother laughed
Then shook her head
And said--

'It wasn't that I didn't like him.  We just...We didn't understand each other.'

She got up and went to the hall closet
She pulled down a shoe box from the top shelf
And took a book out of it

Mom brought it over to the piano
And set it down

'This is a book your grandfather was working on.  They found it in his house after he...It's called "Charlie's Funeral."  It's sort of...I don't know.  An autobiography, I guess.  Told from different perspectives.'

I picked up the book

It felt anxious in my hand
Like a present
Waiting to be opened

'Is it a true story,' I asked

Mom thought about it for a second
And then said--

'When you get older, you realize the truth is a very complicated thing.'

I told her that it seems like
A lot of stuff gets complicated
When you get older

She kissed me on the head
And said--

'It's not that it gets complicated.  It's that you realize it's been complicated all along.'

She went back into the kitchen
And I could hear her
Humming the song
I was just playing
While she washed the dishes

I opened up the book
With the words 'Charlie's Funeral'
Written in handwriting
On the front cover

And I started to read
The story
Of my grandfather

Charlie and the Chocolate Lady

Charlie used to come by my house
Every weekend
To mow my lawn
While his brother did stuff around my house

His mother would send him over
Because my husband died
And since then, I needed a little help

I would always want to bake things for the boys
But Charlie's mother explained
That they were allergic to chocolate
So I had to work around that

Then one day, I saw Charlie
Sitting out on my front step
Eating a Nestle Crunch bar
And I got all nervous
And yanked it right out of his hand

'Charlie,' I said, 'Your mother says you're allergic to chocolate!  Why are you eating this?'

And he got sort of mad
And said--

'I'm not allergic!  My brother is!'

I was so mixed up
I called his mother
And she said that Charlie actually wasn't allergic
But his brother was
And she didn't want his brother feeling bad
So she wouldn't let either of them eat it

I thought that was the stupidest thing
I ever heard of
But I didn't say anything
Because they weren't my kids
But I did start baking Charlie chocolate treats
Every time he'd come to my house

I didn't believe in arguing with a mother
About the way she raises her kids
But I also believe that won't you don't know
Is probably for your own damn good

When that little brat of a brother of Charlie's
Ratted me out to his mother
She called me all upset
Saying that I was out of line

I told her that it was clear as day
That Charlie was going to have a harder road to travel in life
Than his brother

As it was, his mother was already dumping on him
By making him mow my lawn
When all his brother had to do
Was take out my trash and watch tv with me

He wasn't as handsome as his brother
Or charming
Or anything like that

I said if all he had over his brother
Was the ability to eat a chocolate brownie
Than it was wrong of her
To deny him that

After that, she stopped sending the kids by
But Charlie would still sneak over
Every now and again
And we'd watch tv
And eat Nestle Crunch bars
And have a grand old time

I'm not sure his mother ever knew about that

But the way I look at is--

Sometimes your parents
Don't always know
What's good for you

Charlie in the Elevator

Charlie and I got trapped in an elevator together once
Going down from the lawyer's office
To the street

He was finalizing his second divorce
And I was an intern at the firm
Who'd been asked
To sit in on his meeting
Because it looks better
To have more people on one side of the table
Than the other

We got in the elevator
Just by coincidence

And about three seconds
The power went out
And we were stuck

We were only stuck in there for about an hour
But an hour in an elevator
Is a long time

When you've just finished
Listening to a man
Get railroaded
By his new ex-wife

I guess it could have been worse

He and the ex-wife
Could have gotten stuck in the elevator together

But most ex-wives
Take the stairs
So they can start losing stress weight
Put on from the divorce
And find a new husband

Charlie and I got to talking
About the weather
And movies
And how if we weren't rescued
We wouldn't mind eating our own toes

That kinda thing

Then I said to him--

'She wanted to find you'

He didn't know what I meant
So I explained to him
That when women like that marry an alcoholic
It isn't a coincidence

They're looking for one

I'd guess that her father was an alcoholic
And because she couldn't fix him
She married Charlie
And waited for him to become
The shipwreck she could salvage

I'd tell you I know this from personal experience
But I think that probably goes without saying

Hearing this seemed to relieve Charlie a little bit
But then realizing that his marriage may have been doomed from the start
Made him even more depressed
And he said--

'God, I really need a drink.  What do they wash the carpet in here with?  Do you think it has alcohol in it?'

I think he was only half-kidding

When the elevator finally got working again
And the doors opened to the lobby
I shook Charlie's hand
And wished him well

He seemed like an okay guy to me

When you work at a firm that handles divorces
What you learn is that there's no such thing
As a one-sided divorce

Either you're the asshole
Or you went looking for an asshole
But either way
Nobody's blameless

I'm sure Charlie was a terrible husband
But sitting across the table from his ex-wife

--And from a lot of ex-wives from that point on--

I can tell you that
There's no such thing in life as a victim

People get trapped in marriages
Because they want to be trapped
Because being trapped is comforting
To some extent

I remember sitting in that elevator with Charlie
And thinking
If it weren't for the fact
That human beings need food, and water, and sunlight
I could have stayed in there forever

And Charlie didn't seem like such a bad guy
To be trapped with

Who knows, right?

Who knows?

Charlie's Wallet

I found Charlie's wallet
On the street outside his house

I walked up his front steps
Rang the doorbell
And when he answered
I remembered him
From school

'You gave me detention three years ago for flashing my boyfriend in the cafeteria.'

He looked at me funny
And then said--

'Are you here to contest that?'

I showed him the wallet
He thanked me
And then went to grab it from me
But I pulled my hand back

'Don't I get a reward,' I said

Which I thought was totally reasonable

I mean, you find something
You get paid to give it back

We're not living in an utopian biodome
Where parrots and coyotes
Hang out together
And sip juicy juices

Sorry if my metaphors don't make sense
I did a lot of drugs in high school
And also, yesterday

'What sort of reward do you want,' he asked

'Half of what's in the wallet,' I said

He thought about it for a second
And then he said--

'Okay'

I was kind of surprised
It was that easy

I thought about asking him
If he owned any snapping turtles
Because I wanted one of those too
And I figured maybe he was just in a giving mood

He handed me a dollar
And two credit cards

'Dude,' I said, 'I can't take your credit cards.  I mean, I'd like to, but eventually somebody would want to see my ID.'

He shook his head

'Those two cards are maxed out,' he said, 'The other two I have in here were paid off yesterday leaving me with only two dollars in my wallet.  It's been a hard month.'

Then he shut the door in my face

Let that be a lesson to you all

No good deed goes unpunished

Also, always pay more than the minimum

Those credit cards
Took me forever
To pay off

Charlie's Black Pens

Charlie Stamp used to steal the black pens
From my classroom

I'd come in everyday
To take attendance
For homeroom
And there wouldn't be any black pens there

Charlie's homeroom
Was connected to mine
So naturally I assumed
He was giving out his black pens to students
Like a fool
And then sneaking into my classroom
To get more black pens
To give away to more ill-prepared students
Thereby creating
What we in education call--

A viscous circle

When I confronted him
About the pen theft
He said he had no idea
What I was talking about
But that even if he did take them
They were, quote, 'just pens'

I had to explain to him
That black pens
Are the bald eagles
Of office supplies

They are constantly endangered

You can never find a black pen
When you need one
And the supply closet
In the teachers lounge
Is constantly out of them

Do you have any idea
How hard it is
To give a student
An 'F' on a paper
For not taking the topic
Seriously enough
When you have to write your comments
In orange ink?

I suppose I could use red
But it feels so harsh

So unredeeming

A student sees red
And from that point on
It's a downward spiral
Right towards eternal failure

I asked Charlie
If he would refrain
From illegally taking
Any more of my pens
To which he said--

'For the last time, I wasn't taking them.  But I will be now, just to piss you off.'

That was when the great war began

It lasted two years

He would take my black pens
I would take his paper clips

He would take my chalk
I would take his markers

He would take my wallet
I would take his car keys

...And then his car...for a joyride...a small, short, harmless joyride

Finally, we realized
That we were being childish

Granted, this realization came
After I showed up early one day
And defaced Charlie's classroom
By drawing photos of him in various sexual positions
All over his blackboard

After a brief stay at a local...hospital
I was right as rain

Of course, I couldn't go back to teaching
So I became a funeral director

And let me just say
I'm thrilled that Charlie's family
Chose to have his funeral here

I can't say that I particularly enjoyed him as a person
But he was one hell of an adversary

...Even if I did manage to outlast him

Hahaha

Rest in peace, Charlie

Charlie's Recital

I was Mr. Stamp's
Last piano student
Before he stopped teaching
And giving private lessons

I took lessons with him
For six years
And it was always the same thing

In the lessons, I was fine
But as soon as I had to play
In front of anybody
But Mr. Stamp
My hands would seize up
And I'd burst into tears

My parents used to get so frustrated with me

They'd say--

'What are we paying all this money for if we can't even see how much you've learned?'

Mr. Stamp didn't seem to mind
That I had stage fright

I never saw him play in front of other people either

When I asked him about it
He said--

'The piano and I have a very complicated relationship.'

I didn't really understand that at the time

--How a person can have a relationship with something like a piano

But as I get older
I realize you can relationships
With all sorts of things

Love, talent, passion--all kinds of things

When Mr. Stamp told my parents
He was retiring
They figured it was their last chance
To show me off

I was just about to graduate high school
And once I was away at college
They figured they wouldn't be able to keep forcing me
To take piano lessons

So they booked this gorgeous recital hall
At the local college
And invited everybody we knew

I wanted to die

Mr. Stamp and I rehearsed, and rehearsed, and rehearsed
But the night of the recital
I was still terrified

When the time came for me to go out onstage
I froze up

I begged Mr. Stamp to go out
And cancel the whole thing
While I ran to the nearest bus station
And bought a ticket for Toronto

Mr. Stamp put his hands firmly on my shoulders
Looked me in the eyes
And said--

'I've done you a disservice.  I've listened to your parents tell you that you have to share your talent with others, and the truth is, you don't.  You don't have to.  If you love playing the piano alone in your room or in lessons or wherever, then that's fine.  It's yours.  It's your right to keep it to yourself.  But it's a little bit like taking a beautiful painting and putting a sheet over it.  In some ways, you're taking away its essence.  Its essence is to be shared.  To be shown.  It's up to you.'

I shook my heard
I got angry
I said that was easy for him to say

When was the last time he played piano in front of anybody?

He looked down at the floor
And I could see the shame bubbling up in him
Like a shaken up soda bottle

Then he said--

'I ruined someone's life so I wouldn't have to play the piano anymore.  That's how much I hated it.'

I didn't understand

'Mr. Stamp,' I said, 'You're really good at it.'

He took his hands off my shoulders

'I was,' he said, 'But I wasn't all that interested in sharing it either.'

There was a moment
Where we were both
Standing there

Me and my teacher
A little old man
And his last student
A girl too scared
To even play 'Chopsticks'
In front of her parents

Then he took my hand
Cleared his throat
And said--

'I'll go with you.'

I didn't know what he meant at first
But then he said--

'I'll sit with you, onstage.  We can play together.  Like we do in lessons sometimes.'

I could see that he was as scared as I was
But he was willing to move past it

I wasn't sure if it was for me
Or himself
Or both

But I knew I couldn't say 'No'

'All right,' I said, 'Let's go.'

Mr. Stamp and I
Both had our first piano recital
On the same night

We were both a little rusty
And neither of us looked at the audience
Or said anything
Until the recital was over

But when it was
We stood up
And took our bow together

That was twenty years ago
Although, I decided to come here today
Looking like I did
The day of the recital

I thought Mr. Stamp would appreciate that
And I'll admit that it's fun
Being a teenager again
Even briefly

I give lessons now
And occasionally I get a student
With a case of stage fright

Never as deep-rooted as Mr. Stamps
Or as crippling as mine
But difficult for them to handle

So I walk them out onstage
With my arm around them
The way Mr. Stamp walked me out onstage that night

It's my way of saying
I'm proud of you
And I know you can do this

Then I sit down
And play their first song with them
So that they'll know
I know what they're feeling

Mr. Stamp taught me that you can't ask anybody
To face their fears
While you stand behind your own

I'll never forget playing next to Mr. Stamp that night

I'd love to tell you
That I'm as good a teacher as he was
But I'm not

But who knows?

Maybe one day
That'll change

Charlie Goes Speed Dating

I met Charlie at speed dating

This thing
Where you go to a bar
And you rotate

Like, different guys
Come to your table
And you talk to them
And if you like each other
Then you mark it down on this card
And if your cards match
Somebody calls you later
And tells you
That you had a match

On a scale of social discomfort
I'd say it's somewhere between
A blind date
And finding out your father
Is your uncle

My friend dragged me to it
And the first guy I got was Charlie

I asked him one question

Only one, because by the time he was done answering me
The bell rang and--

Oh, sorry
I should tell you the question
I'm not a storyteller
By any means

I'm a broker

The only successful dates I go on
Are with Japanese business men
Go figure

Anyway, the question was--

And this was just a simple question--

The question was--

What do you do for a living?

And he started talking about how he's a teacher
And I was going to say 'Oh, that's nice'
But then he mentioned how he wants to be a writer
But he used to fix computers
But he teaches computers and writing now
But he doesn't get to do much of either for himself anymore
But he might start again

And then the bell rang
And he had to move along
And to be honest
I was glad

A simple--'I teach' would have sufficed

In my line of work
I don't have time
For a lot of chitchat
And Charlie seemed like
He'd be a lot of chitchat

So the next guy comes along to sit
And before he can even start talking
Charlie's back at the table
Telling me how he's sorry
He took so long to answer the question
And what do I do for a living?

I told him the bell rang
And now we have to move

'We have to move on with our lives, Charlie'

That's what I said to him

And he looked heartbroken
But he moved on
So the next winner
Could tell me
About his mint condition
Tarzan doll collection

God, I thought, I should have let Charlie stay

And guess what?

Be careful what you wish for!

As soon as the bell rang
I got a new guy
And Charlie was right behind him

Saying how he doesn't date much
Because he's twice divorce
And a recovering alcoholic
And his first wife married his brother
And his second wife hates him
And so does his daughter
And I said--

'Charlie, I have to talk to this guy!'

And then I see that the new guy
Is wearing a necklace
Made out of what look like teeth
And I'm about to just walk out
When the bell rings again

Charlie doesn't even move this time
He just stays where he is
And keeps talking to me
While some guy in a Grand Theft Auto t-shirt
With the words 'Slap Dem Bitches' on the back of it
Waits patiently to speak to me

Finally, I tell Charlie
That I'm not interested
And will he please just leave me alone

He walks away
And this time he stays away
While I get to know two Mama's boys
A former convict
And a guy who described himself
As 'really into jelly'

A few nights later
I was at home
Realizing
That if I had checked 'Interested'
Next to any of the guys' names
I would be getting a phone call

But instead the phone just sat there
And I just sat there
And thought about Charlie

And even though, to this day
I think it was totally reasonable
That I told him to get lost

I don't know

I still can't help but think
Maybe of all of them
He was the one
That might have been worth
A second chance

Charlie's Father-in-Law

You want the truth about Charlie?

I'll give you the truth

I felt bad for him

He married my daughter
And she was no peach
Let me tell you

And my other daughter's
Even worse

Bringing somebody into this family
Is a little like
Bringing a pork chop
Into a lion's den

Maybe you'll get lucky
And the lions won't be hungry
But you know eventually
They're coming for you

No wonder he started drinking

And my girls don't put up with that

Forget that their mother was a shopaholic
And spent our life savings
On ugly shoes
And bad haircuts
Done by guys named Phillipe

Oh no, that's no addiction
That's no problem

Daddy having one or two after work is a problem
Charlie having a few because his best friend did a nosedive off a bridge
That's a problem

But not calling your own father on Father's Day
Because you got some problems with him
That stem back decades--DECADES
That's no problem

That's no problem at all

Funny what women consider problems
Isn't it?

My girls were ungrateful brats
Top to bottom
Both of them
And that granddaughter of mine
Was the same way

Poor Charlie didn't stand a chance
Against them

I used to call them the coven

My wife, included
Right up until she died

The only peace I had on this Earth
Was after she passed away
And the girls cut me out
Of their lives

They thought they were punishing me
When really, it was a release
That's what it was

I got to sit in my house
And do what I wanted to do

Drink, smoke, eat fried foods all day--

If I wanted to do it
I did it

Let the place go to rot?

Maybe

But wasn't it my house?

Wasn't it?

I used to invite Charlie over
And we'd sit and drink
And watch a game or so

Funny thing hanging out
With your ex-son-in-law

I mean, once he and my daughter got divorced

But just because she tossed him out
Didn't mean I couldn't show a little compassion
For the guy

So I'd have him over
And he'd tell me how much he missed her
And how he was gonna sober up
Any day now
And I'd pour him another drink
And say--'Charlie, you're better off.'

I'd say--'I know she's my daughter, and I love her, but trust me, you're better off.'

But he'd keep going on and on
And finally I just stopped inviting him over
And spent my last few years
Alone, and in glorious silence

That guy had his heart and his dick ripped out of him
And I can't imagine what kinda life he must have lived after that
But it couldn't have been a fulfilling one

Part of me hopes I'll see Charlie
Now that he's in the moved on to the Afterlife

Maybe we can finally watch a game
And just enjoy each other's company

Me and him, we were two peas in a pod
Most of the time

That's what my daughters used to say about us
That we were two peas in a pod

I'd laugh whenever they said it
But Charlie...

I don't know

For some reason
It always seemed
To get him upset

Charlie on the Cape

"He and his wife were on this sort of second honeymoon."
"We were on our third."
"Our what?"
"Our third--honeymoon.  On the Cape.  We always go to the Cape."
"Oh, well that's not important."
"It might be.  They might find it--"
"It's not important."
"They might find it interesting."
"This isn't called 'That Couple's Funeral'--it's called 'Charlie's Funeral.'  Us being on whatever honeymoon we were on doesn't pertain."
"It adds color."
"It doesn't pertain."
"Well, fine."
"So we were in the Cape.  And it was miserable."
"It rained."
"That's why it was miserable."
"So now it doesn't pertain that it rained?"
"It's redundant."
"Just because it's miserable doesn't mean it rained.  It's miserable now and it isn't raining."
"It just doesn't matter."
"I'm going to sit here and not talk at all."
"You can talk just so long as you stop saying stupid stuff."
"I better just stop talking."
"So it was miserable, and we're trapped in this little motel--"
"Hotel.  Do you know how much I paid a night for that--"
"--hotel room doing nothing but driving each other crazy."
"One of us was driving more than the other."
"So I say, let's have that couple from next door come over and keep us company."
"I'm surprised she's admitting it was her idea."
"We only met them because somebody has to introduce himself to everybody he sees."
"It's polite."
"I keep asking him when he plans on running for King."
"I keep telling her you don't run for King.  You run for President."
"What am I a Social Studies teacher?"
"So they come over--"
"So they come over and it's all very pleasant until somebody busts out the champagne we were going to take the beach with us."
"I knew somehow it was going to be my fault."
"Well, two drinks in, and already Charlie's yapping away."
"I remember a few people yapping."
"Yapping and yapping--"
"One other person in particular."
"And his wife is getting irritated."
"I get quiet when I drink."
"You get pouty."
"Same thing."
"Not the same thing."
"Neither is rain and misery."
"So Charlie's wife is getting ticked off--"
"Now marriage and misery--those might be synograms--'
"Nyms."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What'd I say?"
"Charlie's wife gets mad and they start fighting."
"They're going at it right in front of us in this little hotel--"
"Motel."
"--room."
"It was actually a step beneath a motel."
"It was very uncomfortable."
"It was more of a motor lodge."
"It was like we were watching Who's Afraid of Virginia's Wolf?"
"You don't really think that's the title, do you?"
"So finally she storms out."
"And Charlie goes right out after her into the rain."
"I said 'You're going to ruin those shoes!'"
"It would have been romantic if he wasn't so drunk."
"Those were expensive shoes."
"He came back to his room an hour later, but we didn't hear her come in."
"She came back about two hours later.  Don't ask me where she went."
"Poor thing."
"They were quiet.  And then we heard someone get in bed."
"Then we heard her go in the bathroom."
"Somebody was listening at the--"
"I was concerned."
"She was crying."
"Her, not me."
"And then I told her to stop being a snoop and get in bed."
"Then he found another glass so he could listen in too, and that's what we did for the rest of the night."
"I felt bad for Charlie."
"Charlie?  Why Charlie?  Because he ruined the shoes chasing down his humiliated wife who chose potential death-by-catching-cold-in-the-rain rather than spend another minute with him?"
"No.  I felt bad because he sort of reminded me of me in some ways."
"In what ways?  You don't drink that much."
"In some ways."
"What ways?"
"It doesn't matter."
"But what--"
"I said, it doesn't matter.  All right?"
"Yeah, all right."
"Besides, it's got nothing to do with Charlie.  Right?"
"Right.  You're right."
"I just felt bad, that's all."
"Okay."
"That's all."

Charlie's Santa

I used to be Santa
At the mall
Every year
Until being around kids
Started giving me hives

When you're Santa
The best part of the job
Is when the job is over

And when the job is over
The best part of the job being over
Is that all the horror stories
Become fun anecdotes
You can tell at parties

Were there sweet moments?

Yeah, there were some sweet moments

But I don't remember those
I just remember the screaming
Crying, whining, kicking, punching
Vomiting little brats
Who made December hell every year

And all for a little over minimum wage

Bah humbug?

You do it
Then tell me
If your Christmas spirit
Holds up

I do have one good story though
And by good, I mean
One that actually makes you feel good
And that story's about Charlie

It's not very long
But it's my favorite

Every time I'm shooting the shit
About being Santa
I tell a few about the naughty kids
And then I tell the one
About Charlie
To sort of leave everybody
Feeling okay

So here's my Charlie story

Two days before Christmas
Line's out the door and around the block

I'm putting kids on the lap
Getting the requests
Taking the photos
And shipping them
Right back out the door

And there's wailing and snot flying everywhere

Kids trying to convince their parents
That they're afraid of me

I never understood why parents
Refused to believe their kids
When they tell them
They're scared of Santa

When you tell somebody you're scared of a snake
They don't make you sit on its lap
And take a picture of it

Anyway, I was right in the middle of my shift
When a kid came up and sat on my lap
And it kinda got quiet
At least in my head

The kid was sort of dirty
And he was just wearing a t-shirt
And some ratty shorts
That looked like a bathing suit

Keep in mind, this was December
And it wasn't a warm December either

I looked over at his mom
And she looked kind of embarrassed
Like she knew the kid was underdressed
And she felt bad about it

You would get those kids from time to time
The less fortunate kids
And no matter how many times you got 'em
It still made you wish
You were the real Santa
Instead of some out-of-work actor
Picking up some quick cash
For the holidays

The kid was polite
Took the photo
Smiled, laughed when I did my lame Santa routine
And then when I asked him
What he wanted
He said--

'I don't really need anything.  I just wanted to meet Santa.'

It was like something
Out a friggin' Hallmark movie

I had to get the kid off my lap
Before Santa cried all over him
Like a wacko

The next kid up was well-dressed
And so was his mother
And he seemed a little more adult-like
Than the last kid

He sort of had an old spirit
Hiding in his eyes

That kid was Charlie

He sat on my lap
Introduced himself
Took the photo
And then when I asked him what he wanted

He looked back at his mom
Then at me
Then leaned in and whispered

'I want you to give that last kid what he wanted.'

You want a Charlie story?

That's my Charlie story

Charlie, Snowed In

Charlie and I got snowed in on campus
Christmas break of our freshman year

We were the only two people
Who got permission to stay on-campus
Because I was doing some work for the Dean
And Charlie lied and said he was doing a special project
When he really just didn't want to go home
And see his family

We spent most of the break
Watching Christmas cartoons like 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'
And 'Santa Clause is Comin' to Town'

Then we stole the dying plant from the common room
And decorated it
With Cheerios
Strung up on dental floss

On Christmas, we exchanged gifts

I gave Charlie a popsicle
And he gave me a box of mac and cheese

Everyday we'd go outside
And have snowball fights
Make snowmen
Build snow forts
And then tear everything down
And start all over again
The next day

On New Year's Eve
We got drunk
On a bottle of champagne
I'd managed to smuggle into the dorms

And we fell asleep next to each other
On the couch in the common room

We exchanged cheek pecks
When the ball dropped
But that was the extent of our affection

Charlie and I were just friends
And I was happy
Not to have the burden
Of feelings
Put upon either of us

I transferred the next year
And when I told him
He said he was sad
That we wouldn't get another holiday season together

'That was the best Christmas of my life,' he said
And I was sad
Because I knew he meant it

It was the best Christmas of my life too
But I knew that there would be other
Better Christmases

Like my first one with husband
And then our son
And then our daughter
And our other son
And a few years ago
Our grandson

But it was a good Christmas
And I can still make a damn good snow fort
And that's because of Charlie

The world never looked more innocent
Then when it was all white
With nothing but Charlie and me
Right in the middle of it

Charlie's Name

I was walking around the hospital
Waiting for my husband to die

He'd been in and out
And in and out
For six months
And this was the time
He was finally going to go

I didn't know that at the time
But maybe a part of me knew

I was tired
I wasn't hungry
I was frustrated
And all the doctors
Were starting to blend together

My husband was going to die
And I wondered which kid I was going to have to call first

My oldest would cry the most
My youngest would yell at me for not ordering her to come home
And my middle one would say good riddance

I was not looking forward to the calls

My three kids had three different dads
And they weren't all good

But I had one husband
And he was pretty fantastic

I made the mistake of thinking
All good guys could be good fathers

When I died twenty years later
That was still the mistake
I would put down as being
Number One
In the big book of my life

Having kids with my husband

Want a confession?

If I'd had to choose
Between marrying my husband
And not having my kids

Or finding another guy
To have my kids with

I'd have chosen my husband

That isn't a popular thing to say
But...

Maybe that's because most women
Don't have the right husband

When I died my kids
Were sitting in the hospital cafeteria
Wishing it would just happen already
So they could go home

I was in and out
And in and out too

If my husband had been alive
He would have been right there with me
Just like I was with him

My kids were my kids
But my husband?

He was my partner

After he died
I used to say
He was the cane
I never knew I used

I found it hard to walk
To even stand upright
Without him

As I wandered around the hospital
I must have gotten lost in the maternity wing
Because I walked by a room
With a woman holding a baby

I stopped--I didn't mean to, but I did
And I just looked at her

She looked at me
And smiled

She must have noticed
That I'd been crying

'Come on in,' she said, 'My husband went home to watch the game.'

I went and sat by her bed
And looked at her baby

'He's beautiful,' I said

And she said--'Thank you'

She asked me what I was doing in maternity wing
And I told her about my husband
On the other side of the hospital

She gave me her sympathies
And I waved them away

Termites, in-laws, and sympathies are all in the same
Once they're in
You can't get rid of them

I asked her what she named the baby
And she said she hadn't decided yet
And did I know of any good names

On the other side of the hospital
My husband had just taken his last breath
And the doctors were wondering
Where I was

I looked at the baby
And he smiled at me


I remember the first time my husband introduced himself to me
I remember exactly what I thought, too

'Charlie,' I said, 'Charlie's a good name'

And it is

Don't you think?

Charlie's Pen Pal

Dear Charlie,

I just found out you died, which means you outlived me by two years.

Bravo.

The upside to being dead is that as soon as I died, my soul reverted to its twenty-one year-old self.

I forgot how good I looked!

Look at my ass!  Is your ass ever as perfect as it is when you're twenty-one?

I never saw your ass, Charlie, but judging by how witty you were, I'm guessing it was pretty sweet.

Witty people have great asses.

Maybe there's a connection there.

Remember the first thing I wrote to you when we were kids?

'Dear Charlie, I am nine.  I am cool.  Be my friend.  Sincerely, Me.'

It's funny how little you change
Between eight and death

I was always cool
And always demanding
That people love me
Including you
Even though you never acquiesced

You kept throwing that gay/straight thing around

Now that I'm dead
And my body has crossed into the spiritual realm
My genitals have turned into clouds in the sky
As I'm guessing yours have too

Would you love me now, Charlie?

Now that gay/straight only means clouds in the sky
And waves on the beach?

How many other pen pals do you think stayed friends with each other their whole lives?

I'm pretty proud of us, Charlie

We outlasted every marriage I know

I think I fell in love with you
When you started sending me those short stories
In high school

You were in so much pain
More so even than the average teenager
And I kept telling you to move to Phoenix
Where I was living

I said I would tell my parents
That you were a foreign exchange student
From a war-torn country
Like Spain or Canada
But you never showed up

You stayed where you were
Even after the first divorce
And the second
And friends dying
And family disappearing
And all those years
When I knew you were sitting on a couch somewhere
Looking at a wall

Why didn't you just come find me, Charlie?

Why did you keep me two stamps away from you
At all times?

Do you know where I was?

Still in Phoenix
Sitting on a couch
Looking at a wall

An old gay guy
Who time got away from

I had good years
Probably more than you had
But I died alone
Staring at that clock you sent me
For my last birthday

I wrote a note
And left it on my fridge
Saying that if there was an emergency
Please notify my sister
And Charlie

And I left both addresses

I don't know if they ever did notify you, Charlie
But if they did
I hope the news didn't ruin your day

Your letters were always the best part
Of whatever day they showed up on
And I hope mine were the same for you

Sometimes I exaggerated a little bit
So that you wouldn't know
I was living such a sheltered life

So stuck in neutral
So scared to go explore

Remember that story I told you
About getting caught in a rainstorm
In Paris

Hiding out under the awning to a hat shop
With a Parisian named--Oh God, what did I say his name was?

Luke?

Was it Luke?

I remember saying
He kissed me
And the rain stopped
And the sun appeared

I guess you taught me a few things about writing, huh Charlie?

It was a good story

Too bad it never happened

In my mind, Luke looked a lot like you

But you might have already guessed that

Ah well, I should finish this letter
Our last, I would imagine
But who knows?

Time is a tricky thing
To predict
Some think
It might go on forever

Either way
I'll end with a happy thought

Do you know that when I died
I closed my eyes an old man
And woke up outside a hat shop in Paris
And it was raining
And then a man walked up to me
And kissed me
And it stopped raining

And we walked out
Into the sun

I suppose Heaven is every gorgeous lie you've told on Earth
Becoming real
Becoming true

Charlie's Body

Charlie sat for me once
Sophomore year of college

I was trying to find someone
With a strong face
To paint

And he was walking down the quad
And I literally tackled him
Like, to the ground
Because he was walking kind of fast
And I was, like--

'I need you!'

And he was like--

'Thank you, but I'm seeing someone.'

So I explained to him
That I need somebody to sit for me
For my art class

He was a little resistant at first
But then I told him that I'm the best tutor on campus
And I'd tutor him for free
In any class he wanted
If he just helped me with this

He asked me if I was any good at Math
And I told him that I was on the College Trig Team
And I could get him an 'A' in any class on campus
Especially Mr. Moore's
Because he and I were having an affair at the time

He held out his hand
And told me we had a deal

I remember painting Charlie
And having the distinct impression
That he didn't realize
How good-looking he was

When I told him
He said--

'My little brother's the looker, I'm just Charlie'

I never heard anybody say that before
That they were just themselves

'Charlie,' I said, 'Take off your clothes'

He said he didn't think this was a nude portrait
And I said it wasn't before
But it was going to be now

When he saw I wasn't kidding
He started to strip

I have that affect on men

Once he was naked
I went over to him
And started painting
Right on his body

I painted all the lines
And the muscle
And the shapes
With whatever color
I thought fit

I painted all the way up to his face
And when I got there
I put a little dot of red
Right on his lips

'Now, c'mon,' I said, 'Let's see what we have here'

I brought him over to the mirror
And he started laughing

'What's so funny,' I said

He just shook his head
And said--

'I've never seen myself like this before'

You know people have this idea
That men don't care about
How they look naked

But I can tell you from experience
That isn't true

When I got older
I quit art
And went into plastic surgery
Which I suppose
Is another form of art

I could tell that Charlie
Didn't like his body

At least, not until I showed him
How I saw it

Covered in paint
With bright colors
Highlighting all the strong parts

All the strength
He didn't know he had

He looked at himself
In the mirror for awhile
Then turned to me and said--

'Do you want to have sex?'

It wasn't the best pick-up line I've ever head
But I guess when you've covered a man in paint
He's entitled to at least an hour
Of your time

When we were done
I told Charlie I had to get ready
For class
And I went to the bathroom
To shower

Before I did I stood there
Staring at myself in the mirror

The paint from his body
Had rubbed off
Onto mine

It was like when you take a piece of paper
And put it up against a gravestone
Then run a coin across it

I could see Charlie's body on mine

And I liked the way it looked

To be truthful...

I liked it a lot better with it
Than without it

Charlie Moves

I used to have this one-man moving company
And Charlie hired me to move him
From this apartment he was staying at
To the house he bought

The move didn't take too long
Because he only had about two rooms
Full of stuff

I asked him why he didn't just stay in his apartment
And he said he had a daughter
And he wanted her to want to come visit him
In a nice house
Instead of a run-down bachelorpad

I told him I see my daughter twice a year
When her mother flies into town
To see her parents for Christmas and the 4th of July

The kid calls me by my first name
Lets me buy her ice cream
And then tells me all about her mother's
Boyfriend-of-the-week

I could see Charlie looking at me
Like I was describing his version of Hell

'Don't worry,' I said, 'You'd have to break a lot of mirrors to have the luck I got.  Your kid'll probably turn out fine.'

I'm a good liar
When I want to be

Once I was done helping Charlie move
He cut me a check
And then asked if I wanted a soda
Or a sandwich or something

I was gonna say that wasn't necessary
But I could see him looking around that big empty house
Like a lost kid in a mall

So I said, 'Sure, a Coke would be great.'

We sat in his two matching recliners
And talked about stuff

After about an hour or so
I said--

'You think you're gonna be okay by yourself here, Charlie?'

He looked around
His living room

It had these white square patches on the walls
Where photos must have hung
Of the people who lived there before

'I guess I'll have to be,' he said

I gave him a pat on the back
And went to my next job

A few hours later
I drove by Charlie's new house
To see how he was doing

I parked on the street outside
And saw the light in the kitchen was on

Charlie was sitting there
At his table
Eating a bowl of cereal

You ever wonder what a word looks like?

Like an adjective?

You know those words that don't have pictures

Happiness
Joy
Anger

You know how sometimes you read those surveys
Where they ask you what happiness is?

And someone says--A butterfly
And someone says--A baby laughing
And someone says--Home

Well, I was looking in that window
At Charlie sitting
Eating cereal

And I thought--that's loneliness

That's exactly what it is

And I started up my car again
And drove away

Charlie in Disney World

I met Charlie in Disney World
On Space Mountain

He was sitting by himself
Looking kind of bleh
So I asked if I could sit next to him
And he said 'Sure'

Somebody's hat had blown off onto the tracks
So we had to wait for about ten minutes
Until they could find where it was
And start the ride up again

I asked Charlie if he was here by himself
And he said he was on a family trip
But that the rest of his family
Wasn't into rollercoasters

'I'm not really either,' I said

He told me that every year his high school
Goes to an amusement park
And he rides the roller coaster
With this girl who's terrified of them
But keeps asking him to go with her

'Why does she do that if she's so scared,' I asked

He said he doesn't know

'Why do you keep going on it with her,' I asked

He shrugged and said--

'It's cool that somebody needs me'

It didn't seem like Charlie was having a good time
On his vacation
So I taught him the trick
To make any ride more fun

'You yell out vague sexual comments,' I said

He didn't get what I was talking about
But before I could explain it to him
The ride started up again
So I figured I'd just have to show him

As soon as the ride made its first plunge I yelled out--

'Oh tiger, release me from thy cage!'

Charlie started laughing
Like really laughing

And the cool thing about laughing on a roller coaster

--And most people don't know this, because who really laughs on a roller coaster?--

But the cool thing about laughing on a roller coaster
Is that you're already kind of out of breath anyway
So you get all light headed
And then you start laughing
And it's a little bit like you're high on something

So I kept screaming out stuff like--

'Put the lasagna back in the oven!  I want it hot!'

And--

'Garnish me!  I'm ungarnished!'

After our third plunge, Charlie got into it
Yelling--

'I am but your naughty poet!  Show me your sestina!'

I think the Japanese tourists behind us
Were permanently traumatized

After that ride was over
I kept taking Charlie on all the other ones too
So we could keep playing the game

I won't say that it was appropriate
On all of them

Let's just say Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
Was a little more wild that day

And I think we might be the first people in history
To yell out--'It's sooo big'
On the 'It's a Small World' ride

At the end of the day
Charlie had to meet up with his family
At Cinderella's Castle

As soon as he saw them
All the fun just went right out of his eyes

His whole body just slumped down
Like a scarecrow without the stuffing

I gave him a big hug
And my address back home in North Carolina
But I never did hear from him again

The rest of the trip
All I kept thinking about
Was that ride on Space Mountain

And how if that hat hadn't landed on the tracks
I never would have even talked to Charlie

Funny how a small thing like a hat
Can derail a whole ride, isn't it?

How something so small
Can just about ruin everything

Charlie and the Rules of Recovery

I met Charlie
My first day in the program

Right away
I knew I was in trouble

Because Charlie--

I don't know if anybody told you, but--

He had a great face

A body you can work on
And sculpt
And bulk up
But a good face...

That's something you can't fake

Charlie had a great face

I should have just stayed away from him
But I'm no good at staying away from things

That's how I wound up in the program
In the first place

My boyfriend drank
Amongst other things
And he got me into some things
And then he got locked up

Part of me thought
That maybe he got me into all that stuff
So that if he ever did leave
I wouldn't be able to forget him

If that was the case
Then it worked

Because I holed up in our apartment
Until my sister found me
And beat my ass

Told me if I didn't get my shit together
She'd tell my father

And if you knew my father
You'd know what kinda threat that was

So I got clean
And I got in the program
And I met Charlie
And I fell for him

And when I fell for him
I wanted to use again
Isn't that crazy?

Isn't that wild?

'Cause I knew he was a good boy
Who followed the rules
And did what he was supposed to do
And that pissed me off
And made me love him even more

Thinking about what it would be
To have a good guy love me
Was like thinking about
Winning the lottery

Just didn't seem reasonable

Then one day
I ask Charlie
If he wants to come over to my place
And watch a movie
And he says 'Okay'

So he comes over
And I...

Haha...

I, uh, I made a move

You know?

Yeah, I did

I made a move

I'll admit it

And he was very nice
And he took my hand
Which was--somewhere
And he put it...

...Somewhere else

And that was it

That was that

I was humiliated

I never went back
Not to the same meetings anyway

Started dating a real asshole

Not an addidct
Not a drinker
But just your run of the mill asshole

I'm not going to say if Charlie had let things happen
That it would have been different
Probably would have been even worse
Than me winding up with a guy
Who has me change the flat tires
And scrub the floors
On the same day

Who knows, right?

Charlie liked rules
He needed them

That's how you succeed in life
You learn the rules
And you love them

You don't just follow them
You love them

And I couldn't

I couldn't do that

So when my boyfriend got pissed on our anniversary
At this very nice restaurant
And went to the bar
And ordered a drink
And came back
And slammed it on the table
And looked at me
And said 'Drink'

I drank

And as soon as I did it
I thought...

Charlie would be disappointed in me

But you know, as I get older
I think about Charlie
And I think

You know, I think...

He'd be disappointed in a lot of things

I never saw him again
After that night at my place

But I'm guessing
'Cause of how much he loved rules
And doing what was right
And people who do what's right
And things happening the way they should

Well...

I bet his life
Was just full
Of disappointment

Charlie's Sponsor

Charlie asked me to be his sponsor
After he heard me talk about my brother
At a meeting

My brother was sick for a long time
Not like, sick sick
But, uh, he had a mental illness

Which is sick, I guess
I just...

We didn't talk about it much in my family
We just said that he had 'problems'

Well, one day
He got sick of his problems
And he put a shotgun in his mouth

I was thirteen or fourteen
He was about six years older than me
And even with his problems
I thought the sun rose and set on him

He was my big brother

Charlie heard me tell that story
And he told me about his friend
And how something similar happened with him
And how that's what started his drinking
Same as me

I was really honored
That Charlie asked me
To be his sponsor
But I didn't really think about what it meant
Until I'd already said yes

I'm not saying it was hard
It was just...

Charlie had no support system

Not really

His ex-wife turned into a real ballbreaker
And she turned his daughter against him
And his family wanted nothing to do with him
And he was living in this house
By himself
Staring at a wall
Trying to will himself not to drink

I think if it weren't for the fact
That he was the most stubborn bastard I ever met
He probably would have just done it

He probably would have just
Drank himself to death
And never thought anything of it

I remember asking him once

'Charlie, do you want to live?'

And he took a second
And then said--

'Kinda.  I'd like to see what's going to happen.'

Curiosity

That's what kept Charlie alive

Then I got the call
That every sponsor
Thinks about getting

It was his friend's birthday
And he wanted to drink
To drink and to die

He said he was standing on the bridge
Right at the spot
Where his friend jumped off
And he wanted to jump too

He had a handle of vodka in his backseat
And he wanted to guzzle it down
And then jump

I knew I could have given him a bunch of platitudes
And talked to him about the value of life
Or ran to my neighbor's house
And called 9-1-1

But...

The next day was going to be my brother's birthday

My brother's birthday
And the anniversary of Charlie's friend's death
Were one day apart

I don't know if he knew that
He probably didn't

But I had a gun under my mattress

I keep it there for protection
That's what I say
That it's for...

I say it to myself

Protection

But...

Some nights...

My brother had the best smile you've ever seen in your life
I mean, the best smile

How could somebody so miserable
Have a smile like that?

And how could anybody help him
How could anybody know
How bad it was
When they were looking
At that smile?

So Charlie's on the phone crying
And I take out the gun
And I lay down
And put it next to me
Like it's a baby
And I'm its mother

And I say--

'Charlie, look down in that water.  If you see your friend down there, telling you to come on in--that that's what you need to do--go down there and join him--then you do it.  Go ahead and do it.  I won't try to stop you.'

And I laid
And waited

For a splash
For a scream
For a bottle breaking
For anything

And I said--

'Charlie, do you see him?'

And there's silence

And then he says--

'No, I don't see him.'

I took the gun
I put it back under my mattress
And I waited until I heard Charlie
Get back in his car
And start it up

'I didn't see him,' he said

I got in bed
And pulled the covers up to my chin

'Yeah, Charlie,' I said, 'I didn't think you would'

Then I looked over at the nighstand
And saw the clock
Turn twelve

Charlie's House

I sold Charlie his house
The one he died in

Well, he didn't die in the house
He died in the hospital
But he lived in the house
Until he died

By the way, if you're looking for a house
It's a gorgeous little property

He kept it pretty much immaculate

Didn't even use the second bathroom
At least, not from the looks of it

And--

And I mean he was a nice man
But--

AND--

He didn't even take advantage of the opportunity
To turn the side room off the kitchen
Into an intimate dining room
As I suggested he do
When he bought the house

Bachelors have very limited ideas
When it comes to decorating

I was actually surprised he wanted a house
Since he said he wasn't planning on getting remarried

'I just want a place my daughter can stay,' he said, 'Not an apartment.  A place that feels like a home.'

Isn't that sweet?

I mean, that's really sweet

I thought about lowering my fee
Just because of how sweet that was

...But I was probably a little drunk when I thought that

I had a drinking problem
Back then

That's how Charlie and I met

Through the program

Except I fell off the wagon
A few more times
Than he did

I guess my wagon
Was going down
A bumpier road
Than his was

Hahaha

No, but really, it's nothing to joke about

I always used to joke
That's why Charlie never liked me

Oh sure, he let me find him a house
Because I'm good at what I do
But he never actually liked me

Once he was moved in
I'd offer to come over
And help paint
Or hang pictures
Or just clean the place up
And he'd--

Well, he'd always say
Thanks, but no thanks

Finally, after a meeting one day
I said--

'Charlie, I know I'm not the perfect program guy like you are, but I'm not a pariah.  I'm not going to corrupt you.'

He looked at me and said--

'I just want to be alone.  Don't you get that?  Doesn't anybody get that?  I bought a house for daughter and she can't be there for more than an hour without saying she wants to go home to her mother.  I'm going to be alone in that house for the rest of my life.  As long as I'm going to be alone, I'd rather just be alone.  I don't want to be part-time alone.  If I'm going to do it, I'd rather just do it.'

That was Charlie

All or nothing

When he died, and I offered
To find a buyer for the house
So his daughter wouldn't have
To deal with all that

I went in
And nobody had touched the place

It felt like he'd just left
A few minutes
Before I got there

I could practically see the path
In the carpet
From his bed
To the bathroom
To the kitchen
To the livingroom
Back to the bed

Over and over
No deviation

He may as well have been living
In a prison

Who knows, maybe in a way he was

I decided to show up today
Looking like what I looked like
When I was younger

In reality, I'm ready to retire
And Charlie's house
Is going to be the last house I sell
Before I do

I think I want to give it
To a nice family

Some kids
Nice parents
Maybe even some pets
Even though they ruin the carpet

I want to sell the place
To the kind of family
Charlie wanted

I don't know what good it'll do now
But...

I don't know

It just seems
Like the right thing to do

Charlie's Wife's Husband

I bet you weren't expecting
To hear a story
From Charlie's ex-wife's husband

From the stepfather
Of his child

But, I do have a story
And I'd like to tell it

I was in recovery
When I met my wife

Charlie's ex-wife
Callie's mom

I hadn't set foot inside a casino
For years
And so I...

I didn't tell her
I didn't tell...my wife
That I had ever had a problem
Because it was in the past, you know?

It was done

And then, one night
We went to a concert
And I didn't realize
That the venue
Was inside this...

I don't know
I wasn't paying attention
When my wife told me
Where we were going

And so when we got there
I just sort of told myself to calm down
And that everything would be fine

And it was, I mean, we went to the concert
It was fine

But then she wanted to...

She wanted to stay and play for a little while
And what could I say?

We'd been married for years at that point
I couldn't say no

So I figured, you know
Just the slots
That should be fine

Famous last words, you know?

I won two hundred bucks
The wife was all proud

We go home
And as soon as she's asleep
I'm back in the car
Headed to the casino

It went on like that for a few weeks

I'd go after work
Or after everybody was asleep
Or I'd say I was playing golf or something
You know?

I lost five grand in three weeks

Part of that
Was the money
We were going to use
To buy Callie a car

Her father had offered
But my wife turned him down

'We're buying her that car,' she said, 'I'm not taking any gifts from Charlie.'

So I think to myself
Okay, I just have to win it back

I've been lucky
I can get lucky again

So I go to the casino
One night after work
And I'm on a roll

I mean, I am raking it in
And then...

You know, it starts and it stops

And it stops
And you think
It's just a setback
It's just a small setback
And keep going
Because you'll get it back
You'll make it all back

And then you lose more
And more
And you're sweating
And shaking
And you feel like you're going to throw up
And then it's gone

It's all gone

Another two grand

Gone

That was bill money
That was savings
That was money we were going to take on vacation with us

I...

I didn't know what to do

So I drove to Charlie's

When he answered the door
He actually looked past me
To see if maybe I was dropping Callie off or something
Like maybe he'd forgotten
Because what would I be doing here
By myself

I asked if I could come in
And as soon as I sat down on his couch
I just unloaded

I just spilled it all out

Seven grand--gone

Just gone

I remember sitting on this guy's couch
Thinking about all the things I'd heard my wife say about him
Over the years

The drinking
The nasty comments
Throwing shit across a room
Not showing up for visits with Callie

I was there for some of it
And you know, I had my ideas

But right then all I remember
Was something my wife said
When she told Charlie
She didn't want him
Buying his daughter a car

'I know you have money, Charlie,' she said, 'But we're not taking your money.'

Yeah, well...

We took it

She never knew
But we took it

Charlie cut me a check
All seven thousand
Provided I go get help
Which I did

I did

So Charlie bought his daughter a car
And Charlie paid my bills for a month
And Charlie's the reason
We could all go to Disney World
Like one big happy family

And my wife never knew
That her ex-husband
Was the only reason
I didn't just crash my car
Into a ditch that night

And I didn't keep it from her to save my own ass either

I kept it from her
Because Charlie asked me to

Because he didn't want her leaving me
Like she left him

He wanted Callie
To have a family

That's what was important to him

But I said when Charlie died
I'd tell her what he did

And I'm going to

Not many men will hear this
From the husband of their ex-wife
But here it goes--

Charlie, you were my hero

Charlie Bakes a Cake

Charlie and I
Worked together
At the high school

I taught Home Economics
And we were friendly

Not very friendly
But 'Hi, how are you'
In the hallway
Friendly

Then one day I was sitting in the teacher's lounge
Eating my lunch
When he came in
And asked me
If I'd be willing to do him a favor

It turns out
He and his wife had separated
And his daughter was going to be staying with him
In this apartment he'd gotten
Every weekend

'The thing is,' he said, 'My wife usually cooks for the family.  I was wondering if maybe you could teach me how to make a few things so Callie and I don't have to live off tuna sandwiches.'

I said I'd be glad to help

When my husband and I separated
I didn't know anything about paying bills
And a few of the Math teachers helped me out
So I figured it was just like paying it forward

The thing is, I picked up on bill-paying pretty quickly

Charlie was a little bit slower
When it came to cooking

I knew it was going to be a tedious process
When I told him to start boiling water
And he asked me
If you could buy it pre-boiled

I figured if I could just teach Charlie
Five simple meals
That would be enough to last him
Until he married somebody else
Who could do the cooking for him

Unfortunately, even after a few weeks
Charlie couldn't seem to get the hang
Of cooking

His pork chops were dry
His pasta was soggy
And his baked chicken
Looked like it was going
Through heroin withdrawal

'What about a cake,' he said, 'Can you teach me how to make a cake?'

I was going to explain to him
That if you can't handle
Macaroni and cheese
Then a cake may be a bit out of your league
But then he told me
That his daughter's birthday
Was the following weekend

'I just want to see if I can make her a cake,' he said, 'Even if it's a bad one, at least she'll see that I tried.'

So I taught him
How to bake a cake

And you know, it didn't turn out so bad

It wasn't the prettiest cake I've ever seen

The inside was a little too moist
And the frosting was a little too dense
But...

I don't know

I teach my students
That cooking is all about love

If you cook with love
People can taste it in your food

All the cakes Charlie made for his daughter
The practice ones that I tried
And the final one
That he made the day of her birthday

(He saved me a piece)

They were all made with love
And you could tell

Now I know we're supposed to tell the good with the bad
When we talk about Charlie

We're not supposed to make him out
To be perfect

And trust me, he wasn't perfect

He was the only man I ever met
Who could screw up
Making a baloney sandwich

But he tried, and when he tried
He tried because he wanted to be better
Especially for the ones he loved

Especially for that little girl

When you first start out teaching
You're all about the final grade
And when you get a little older and a little wiser
You learn to reward the journey

How hard someone worked
To get where they are

So I'd give Charlie's cake an 'A'

And he earned it

Believe me, he earned it

Charlie's Advice

Mr. Stamp is the reason
I'm married to my husband

We were both in his Creative Writing class
That's where we met

My husband was sort of the shy type
But he used to write
The most beautiful stories

I wasn't much of a writer

I only took the class
To listen to other people's work

I did much better in Mr. Stamps
Computer Maintenance class

My husband--boyfriend at the time

Well, we were dating for awhile
When I...

It was stupid

We were being careful
But I guess the...

You know...

It broke

And, I got pregnant

We were only a month away from graduation anyway
And I was a wreck

My parents were really strict
And I knew they'd freak out
If they heard that I'd gotten pregnant
Not just by some guy
But by a writer
Who didn't even know how to change a tire

He wanted to get married
He proposed with this ring
He used his savings to buy

That should give you some idea of how practical he was

His parents weren't even around
He was being raised by his grandmother
Because his mom and dad were methheads
Who lived in this toolshed
On the side of the road
A few towns over

I didn't know what to do
But I wanted to talk to someone
So badly

I wanted to talk to Mr. Stamp
But I couldn't
So...

I wrote it all down
And I handed it in to him
As my final assignment

The next day after class
He called me up to his desk
And showed me my grade

'B-?  Was it that bad?'

'No,' he said, 'But the assignment was to write fiction.'

I just started crying
And talking
And then crying some more
And my head started to hurt
And I was drooling
And it was awful

Mr. Stamp handed me a Kleenex
And went to get me a soda from the machine in the cafeteria
And told me everything was going to be okay

Then he asked me what I wanted to do

What did I want to do?

I think that was the first time
An adult had ever asked me that

'I want to marry him,' I said, 'I know we're kids, and he has, like, no ability to make money at all, and we're going to have a baby, and it's crazy, and I'm stupid, and he's stupid, and I love him, and that's not enough, and we'll be on our own, but...I want to marry him, Mr. Stamp.  I really do.'

I was so wrapped up
In what I was saying
I didn't even see him
Slide the card across his desk at me

His credit card

'A little advice,' he said, 'You can be smart your whole life.  You only get to be stupid once.'

It's funny

Whenever I tell people Mr. Stamp's advice
They like to tell me what could have happened

My husband and I could have been terrible parents
The baby could have grown up in squalor
I could have ended up divorced and bitter
With a kid who hated me

I always wondered why someone who was such a good teacher
Would give their student such bad advice

And his credit card
To follow through on the bad advice

And another part of me wondered
How he knew that we'd be okay
That one day we'd have a nice house
And two more kids
And a business

How did he know?

When my husband and I went back for our ten year reunion
I asked him that

I asked him why he gave me
The advice that he did

He held up two fingers

'One,' he said, 'You could dismantle a computer and put it back together again three times faster than I could.  I wasn't worried about the financial future of somebody who could do that.  And two--'

And this was when he looked across the room
At my husband
Struggling to pour punch into his cup
Without spilling it on himself

'That boy,' Mr. Stamp said, 'Wrote twenty-five stories in one semester--and they were all about you.  That's why I told you to go for it.  Because really, I didn't think it was that much of a risk.'

I gave Mr. Stamp a kiss on the cheek
And told him
That when my husband's first book was published
That fall
He was going to be on the dedication page

'Don't worry about that,' he said, 'But, I would like to know--do you still have my credit card?'

That's my story
About Mr. Stamp

Charlie's Wife's Dress

I sold Charlie's first wife
Her wedding dress

I have to say
She was very nervous

I know it's natural
For a bride to be a little jumpy
Before her big day
But usually a young woman is thrilled
To pick out her wedding dress

Charlie's fiance kept biting her nails
Shuffling her feet
And pacing back and forth
Every time she'd try on a new dress

Meanwhile, Charlie sat in one of our couches the entire time
Smiling and being supportive

Finally, the poor girl burst into tears
And ran into one of our changing rooms
With Charlie running in after her

I tried to make myself scarce
And not eavesdrop
But it's a small boutique
And it's not like those changing rooms
Are sound-proof

His fiance was saying something
About how there was no point in even having a wedding
Because they weren't going to be able
To afford anything nice

Well, Charlie came out of that dressing room
Walked right up to the counter
And pointed to one of our designer gowns
In the window

'We'll take that one,' he said

I mentioned to him
That he had chosen
One of the more expensive gowns
And he said something about
Doing less writing
And taking a teaching job that had been offered to him

'A teacher wouldn't exactly have an easy time affording it either,' I said

He looked back at the changing room
Where we could both still hear his soon-to-be-wife crying
And he put a credit card down on the counter

'I'll make it work,' he said

I've seen a lot of couples
Come and go from my shops
Sometimes the same people
With new engagement rings
One, two, three times even

And I don't like to pass judgment
Or make any sort of assumptions
About a couple

But when Charlie and his soon-to-be wife
Left my shop that day
I had a feeling
I'd be seeing
At least one of them
Again

Charlie at the Movies

Charlie and I used to be able
To walk to the movies
From our house
When we were kids

Back when the movie theater
Was downtown
Before they moved it
Off the highway

During the day on Tuesdays
In the summer
We'd go and sit there
All day

We'd pay for one movie
And just
Because they had air-conditioning
And sometimes
You could see four different movies that way
Because the owner never cleaned up
In between shows

I liked being there
Because both my parents worked
So it was either go to the movies
Or sit at home
And watch The Price is Right

I don't know why Charlie used to go
But I got the feeling
He didn't like being home very much either

One Fourth of July
My parents drove us all to the beach
And we didn't get back until seven o'clock

I don't know why
But I had this urge
To go see what was playing downtown

When I got there
The theater was empty

There wasn't even anybody working the box office

I guess they figured
Once the last show started
They'd just come back later
And lock the doors

I walked down to the fifth row
Where Charlie and I usually sit
And there he was

I remember that the movie playing
Was some bad romantic movie
About a guy who falls in love with a woman
And then they go walking on a beach
And she tells him she's going to die

We'd seen it the week before
And it was pretty bad
But Charlie looked like
He was hypnotized by it

I sat next to him
And said--

'Charlie, how long you been here?'

The place was never busy on holidays

He must have been by himself
In that theater
All day

'My family went to a barbecue,' he said, 'I didn't want to go'

I wish I could tell you
More than that

You know, how like
In a story
The person telling it
Knows more

Like he knows how Charlie's family actually left before he got up
And put a note on the kitchen table
Saying he'd have more fun sleeping in and spending the day by himself
So they were just going to take his brother?

Well, I don't know that for sure
But...

But I know Charlie looked pretty upset

So I just sat with him
While the movie played

Until the air conditioning went off
And then the lights
And the last credit
Ran up across the screen
And disappeared