Charlie's Sandwich

I'm here
Because I'm the one
Who introduced Charlie to his wife

His second wife
Not that dip of a first one
Who left him for his brother

I introduced him to the good one
The one he would have stayed with
If he hadn't turned into such a mess

But we're not going to talk about the mess
We're going to talk about Charlie's sandwich

You see, I ran a deli
In Charlie's hometown
And we had a sandwich on the menu
Called the No Name

That's because I had decided
That the first person to actually finish that sandwich
Was going to have it named after them

It was three feet long
Covered with more meat than a spread at a Lion's Club dinner
And topped off with my own special sauce
That's so spicy
I've had Chilean farm workers
Beg for water after tasting just a drop of it

The No Name made my deli famous
It was like my own personal Sword in the Stone
Men traveled from far and wide
To try and conquer it
And all of 'em left with their peckers between their pant legs

My other claim to fame
Was that I had the prettiest employee in town
And that was Charlie's second wife

After Charlie's divorce
He was pretty beaten down
But whenever he came into my deli
His face would light up
Every time he saw that girl

I told him he needed to ask her out
But he just didn't have any confidence left

Plus, she wasn't too trusting of men

The boyfriend she'd had before Charlie
Used to run around on her
And I think she'd decided
That she was done with dating
Even though she was still so young

So when I finally got Charlie to ask her out
She said--'Thanks Charlie, but no thanks.'

Well, I pulled her into the backroom
And asked her
If she was waiting for Prince Charming to show up
Because the last time I checked
He was screwing hookers
Down by the dock

She said that she would need some sort of sign
To let her know she should trust a man again

I asked her if me hitting her upside the head
Would be enough of one
But she just went back out into the deli
And started cutting up prosciutto

That's when I knew what had to happen

'Charlie,' I said, 'You're doing the No Name.'

The poor guy looked like
He was going to throw up
Right on my counter
And then I would have had to beat him
But instead, he looked at that girl of mine cutting up that meat
And he said--

'Okay'

Five hours later
Charlie was scarfing down that sandwich
And half the town was outside the deli
Cheering him on

We would have started sooner
But it took me awhile
To kill the boar

Charlie started eating from the bottom up
Which was smart
Because that left the sauce for last

When he got to the swordfish section
I thought he was going to lose it
But I kept pointing at the Princess
And he kept going

Finally, he reached the sauce
And that's when I thought he was going to quit

So I leaned over
Acting as if I was wiping his brow
And I said--

'Charlie, I swapped out the sauce with Thousand Island dressing so you wouldn't have any trouble.  But look like you're in pain.  I got a reputation to protect.'

When Charlie finished that sandwich
I was all ready to christen it the Charlie
But he stopped me
Looked at the girl in the back corner
Who was smiling at him
And asked if I'd name it after her instead

That's what I did
And the rest is history

Oh, I should mention, however
That I catered their wedding
And people still rave about it to this day
So if any of you are looking
For to have your functions taken care of
You just let me know once the funeral's done

And Charlie, wherever you are
I hope you're doing okay

I wouldn't have swapped out my sauce
For anybody else