Charlie's Black Pens

Charlie Stamp used to steal the black pens
From my classroom

I'd come in everyday
To take attendance
For homeroom
And there wouldn't be any black pens there

Charlie's homeroom
Was connected to mine
So naturally I assumed
He was giving out his black pens to students
Like a fool
And then sneaking into my classroom
To get more black pens
To give away to more ill-prepared students
Thereby creating
What we in education call--

A viscous circle

When I confronted him
About the pen theft
He said he had no idea
What I was talking about
But that even if he did take them
They were, quote, 'just pens'

I had to explain to him
That black pens
Are the bald eagles
Of office supplies

They are constantly endangered

You can never find a black pen
When you need one
And the supply closet
In the teachers lounge
Is constantly out of them

Do you have any idea
How hard it is
To give a student
An 'F' on a paper
For not taking the topic
Seriously enough
When you have to write your comments
In orange ink?

I suppose I could use red
But it feels so harsh

So unredeeming

A student sees red
And from that point on
It's a downward spiral
Right towards eternal failure

I asked Charlie
If he would refrain
From illegally taking
Any more of my pens
To which he said--

'For the last time, I wasn't taking them.  But I will be now, just to piss you off.'

That was when the great war began

It lasted two years

He would take my black pens
I would take his paper clips

He would take my chalk
I would take his markers

He would take my wallet
I would take his car keys

...And then his car...for a joyride...a small, short, harmless joyride

Finally, we realized
That we were being childish

Granted, this realization came
After I showed up early one day
And defaced Charlie's classroom
By drawing photos of him in various sexual positions
All over his blackboard

After a brief stay at a local...hospital
I was right as rain

Of course, I couldn't go back to teaching
So I became a funeral director

And let me just say
I'm thrilled that Charlie's family
Chose to have his funeral here

I can't say that I particularly enjoyed him as a person
But he was one hell of an adversary

...Even if I did manage to outlast him

Hahaha

Rest in peace, Charlie