Charlie's Hooker

I met Charlie

On my first day

Of prostituting

Sometimes people laugh when I tell them that

And I can't understand why

Every prostitute has a first day

And most first days are bad

And my first day was pretty bad

I was working in New York

And I knock on this hotel room door

But I got the wrong door number

Except of course I don't know that

And Charlie opens the door

Now, what I didn't know

Was that Charlie had ordered a massage

From the hotel

You know, like room service

So he opens the door in his bathrobe

And I think, Okay, this seems about right

Then he asks me where my table is

And I say--'I was supposed to bring a table?'

And he says--'Well, I don't know.  I've never done this before'

And I say--'Neither have I!'

And he says--'Not even for practice?'

And I say--'Maybe, but I didn't know I was practicing at the time.'

Then there's this pause

And he says--

'Well, I guess we can just do it on the bed'

And I thought to myself

Finally, he's making some sense

So he lays down on the bed

Facedown

And I'm thinking--

What am I supposed to do with this?

So I say--

'What am I supposed to do with this?'

And he says--

'My lower back is really bad'

So I say--

'Okay, I'll try not to do anything to it.'

So he says--

'No, I want you to do something to it.  That's the point.'

And I'm thinking--

What kinda sick asshole is this?

Is he into pain or something?

Because that's not one of the things I do

I only wanted to do the normal stuff

You know, the stuff you'd do even if you weren't getting paid

Don't ask me why people pay for it

When you can get it for free

If you just lower your standards a little

The whole philosophy behind it escapes me

I was just a girl from Nebraska

In need of some cash

Who happened to watch 'Midnight Cowboy' a few times

But never made it to the ending

So I sort of sit on Charlie's lower back

And he says--'Oh, that feels good'

And I say--'What else do you want me to do?'

And he says--'My shoulders.'

And I say--'Your shoulders?  What the hell am I supposed to do to your shoulders?  Sit on them?'

And he gets all agitated

And sits up and says--

'Rub them!'

And I say--

'Geez, why didn't you just get a massage?'

And he says--

'I AM getting a massage!'

And I say--

'From who?'

And he says--

'From you?'

And I say--

'Sorry, that's one of the things I don't do.'

And he says--

'Well, what the hell do you do?'

And so I tell him

And he turns all white

And says--

'Oh my God!  You're a hooker.'

And I say--

'No.  I am a personal sexual assistant with a specialization in oral techniques.'

Well that set him off

He ushered me right out of the room

And locked the door behind me

I guess it wasn't the worst first day

Anybody's ever had

But I had much better days after that

About fifteen years later

I was arrested

And named 'Manhattan's Top Madam'

They're making a musical about me

And everything

And Charlie sent me away

Can you believe it?

Poor guy never knew

What he was missing