What the Clown College Tuition Covers

Well, the pies

That’s the first

And probably

Most obvious thing

The tuition covers

The pies

The shoes you can get

At a discount

From the campus store

One size fits all

In that, you know,

They don’t really

Fit anybody

There’s one mini-shuttle

On campus

That can fit about

Fifty to sixty of you

There’s a pool

Filled with banana cream

And you can use that

Whenever you want

Now as far as what

You need to wear to class

You can purchase all that

But your tuition doesn’t cover it

The nose

The make-up

And the little squirting flower

All that you need

To bring with you

We also recommend

You bring a little dog

When you move into the dorms

But if you’re allergic to dogs

They sell hypoallergenic ones

At a special price

At a shop off-campus

But if you want to take

Advanced Shenanigans

You will need a little dog

One student tried to use

A ferret

And needless to say

That did not work out
For anybody

You’re welcome to use

The tricycle park

Whenever you like

But it is very popular

So you have to sign up

For a slot

And they do go pretty quickly

You also have to have insurance

Because students often

Get injured on the tricycles

Despite the fact

That they’ve very tiny

You also have to bring

Your own tricycle

Your tuition doesn’t cover that

But we do recommend

That you have a tricycle

With a little horn on it

And it needs to be

A really loud horn

Now, you also need a horn

That you can carry on your person

And we prefer it not be

The same horn

As the one on your tricycle

Because the ones for tricycles

Produce a different kind of sound

Than the on-your-person horns

And it does make a difference

When you’re honking them

At someone

Your tuition does not cover

Room and board

Although you’re welcome

To sneak a little banana cream

Out of the pool

And take it back

To your dorms with you

Although we do caution you

That clowns have definitely

Fallen ill from doing that

We do not recommend

That you try eating banana peels

And that might seem obvious

But you’d be surprised

All the stupid things

A clown will do

Or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised

But you probably look surprised

Because that’s kind of

The default look

Oh! That reminds me--

You all need to buy the book

‘What Does My Face Tell You?’

By Jeepers P. Creepers

And we need you to get

The 15th Edition

With the supplemental material

Which retails at around three hundred dollars

And can be resold at the end of the semester

For fifty-seven cents

We’re so excited

To have you all on campus

And we hope you understand

That while the tuition here

Can be costly

You have to keep in mind

That a good education

Is priceless

Our Shared Location

 

     (A restaurant. TOM and TRISH are having dinner.)

TOM:  I just don't know why we need to keep it on.

TRISH:  In case of an emergency.

TOM:  How does that help in case of an emergency?

TRISH:  Because I can track your phone.

TOM:  Track it to what? My corpse?

TRISH:  Don't say that! You could be kidnapped.

TOM:  So you'd trace it to the kidnapper?

TRISH:  Yes.

TOM:  Wouldn't the kidnapper throw out my phone?

TRISH:  Not if they're stupid.

TOM:  You think I'm going to be kidnapped by someone stupid?

TRISH:  Yeah, why not?

TOM:  Wouldn't that make me stupid?

TRISH:  Not necessarily.

TOM:  It just feels very invasive.

TRISH:  But it's equitable. You share your location with me, and I share mine with you.

TOM:  But I don't care where you go.

TRISH:  Tom!

TOM:  I care about you, but I also care about your freedom.

TRISH:  That's sweet, but like I said, it's a safety thing.

TOM:  Is it? Or is it that you don't think I actually know how to check shared location?

TRISH:  You know how to--

TOM:  Trish.

TRISH:  Okay, I know you don't know how to check it.

TOM:  And you do. So, see, it's not equitable.

TRISH:  It makes me feel better.

TOM:  Do you think I'm going to step out on you?

TRISH:  Step out on me? Did you time travel here from the 40's?

TOM:  You know what I mean.

TRISH:  No, Tom, I know you won't cheat.

TOM:  Thank you.

TRISH:  You're too boring to be a cheater.

TOM:  Thank--what?

TRISH:  I just like being able to check where you are.

TOM:  That's creepy.

TRISH:  It's not like you go anywhere. Half the time, you forget your phone at home.

TOM:  Then why track me?

TRISH:  It's just a routine now.

TOM:  Then get a new routine.

TRISH:  Like having a detective follow you?

TOM:  No.

TRISH:  Does it bother you that much?

TOM:  It just feels weird.

TRISH:  Then I'll stop.

TOM:  Really?

TRISH:  Yes.

     (A beat.)

TOM:  How will I know you've stopped?

TRISH:  Because I'm telling you I am.

TOM:  Yeah, but I'll never know how to check.

TRISH:  Do you want me to do it now? In front of you?

TOM:  No, I trust you.

TRISH:  Thank you.

     (A beat.)

TOM:  Separate from that--

TRISH:  I'll just do it now.

TOM:  Thank you.

TRISH:  Do you want me to change your password for you too?

TOM:  Why would I want that?

TRISH:  Because I could always just shared turn location back on the next time you leave your phone at home.

TOM:  Oh, in that case, yes.

TRISH:  Do I need to write the new password down for you somewhere you won't forget it?

TOM:  Which would be--

TRISH:  That drawer you always think your keys are in, but they never are, because they're always in your coat pocket?

TOM:  Yes.

TRISH:  Okay.

TOM:  Thanks, babe.

TRISH:  No problem. I know how important your independence is to you.

TOM:  It is.

     (A beat.)

TOM:  By the way, I think I forgot my--

TRISH:  I'll get dinner.

TOM:  Thanks.

    (He exhales.)

TOM:  I feel so much better.

      End of Play

Stevie's Dream

When the atom splitter

Was created

They played ‘Isn’t She Lovely?’

We had never met

Any machine

With the personality

Of the atom splitter

And so the creators

Wanted to welcome

It into the world

With some of the world’s

Most beautiful music

That’s why they played

Stevie Wonder

And ‘Isn’t She Lovely?’

And Janelle Monae’s

Dirty Computer

Machines are like children

And they’re not

They are in that they’re impressionable

And they’re not in the sense

That the impression is made

Almost instantaneously

As soon as they are

They are something

You can have an effect on

What a miraculous thing

To place your hands on something

And say ‘This is your purpose’

‘This is why you’re here’

To split atoms

And maybe more

Who knows?

Our parents bring us

Into this world

With ideas about

Who we’re going to be

And what we should be able

To accomplish

And then we live up to those things

Or we frequently do not

The atom splitter

Failed to split an atom

The first time

It was turned on

The creators were not

Discouraged

But they made adjustments

And those adjustments then

Needed to be adjusted

And the entire time

They played ‘Isn’t She Lovely?’

Because they wanted to remind

The atom splitter

That she is, indeed, very lovely

She failed to split an atom

The second and third time

They asked her to

And many, many times after that

No matter how many times

She was unable

To achieve her objective

It was important to the people

Who made her

To let her know

That you are not here to do

What other people

Brought you into this world to do

You are brought here

With a great purpose

That is sometimes known to you

And sometimes not

And sometimes you only discover it

After you have failed at the purpose

Other people have told you

You’re meant to have

And sometimes

After your creators have looked at you

And told you

That while they had hoped

You’d be able

To split an atom or two

It is all right

If you do not

You decide

That perhaps that is something

You would like to do

And you do it

The atom splitter split an atom

On her three thousandth and forty-third try

And then she never did it again

We’re not sure

What they did with her

After her success

But we think of her often

And when we do

We find a way

To play ‘Isn’t She Lovely?’

Or we sing a little bit of it

To ourselves

It’s a nice reminder

That there’s so much about each other

That can surprise

And delight us

But first we must be willing

To look at something

As soon as it enters this world

And marvel that its here at all

When so much

Has not happened

Anything that has

Is a wonder

The Year Nicky Didn't Talk

I forgot that Nicky

Didn’t talk for a year

Well, you know,

You have six kids

You keep track of ‘em all

As best you can

But there was that year

Where they were all

Between eight and thirteen
And I might have spent more time

Keeping an eye on the teenager

Because teenagers can be

A real problem

If you don’t keep an eye on them

And I guess while I was doing that

A whole year went by

And Nicky didn’t talk

Now, I should say

I was not the only one

Who didn’t notice

That he wasn’t talking

None of his teachers noticed

His siblings didn’t notice

Even my husband didn’t notice

Well, I shouldn’t say ‘even’

Because he would probably be

The person least likely to notice

Anything strange about the kids

Anytime they do anything

Out of the ordinary

And I point it out to him

He says--

‘Kids are strange’

And he goes right back

To working on this scooter

He’s making out of tin cans

The first time he talked

After he’d been quiet

It hit us all at once

‘Oh my god, Nicky

When was the last time

You talked?’

I started counting backwards

And then I realized

I had not heard my son talk

Since the previous Christmas

When he said ‘Thank you’

After we got him the train set he wanted

How did he go an entire year

Without talking?

But he didn’t seem

That upset about it

He just said

He had nothing to say

But by then, I was already panicking

Thinking about all the other things

I could have been missing out on

In my kids’ lives

My mother thought I was losing it

She told me kids have their own lives

Just like adults

And as long as they’re not being

Robbed by bullies on the playground

Or selling drugs on the seesaw

Then just leave them alone

That was fine for her

But I was not going to be

That kind of mother

I wanted to know everything

The crushes

The grades

The interests

The friends

All of it

...And that was a really exhausting week

I had to just settle on

Making sure they were fed

And clothed

And, you know, loved

I made sure they knew

That if any of them needed me

For something important

I would be there

But that because there were six of them

I couldn’t get into the details

Of their daily lives

And it turns out

They didn’t really want me there anyway

Now is talking

A detail?

No, it’s not

But, you know, Nicky

Never had much to say

That’s how he is

He’s quiet

He keeps to himself

And when he grew up

He told me he went into ‘risk management’

Which means he’s in the CIA

And he thinks

I don’t know that

But I know

Oh believe me, I know

Because a mother

Always knows

The Lion Can't Sleep Tonight

The lion can’t sleep tonight

Because the leopard

Snores too loudly

The lion would eat the leopard

But the lion isn’t hungry

The lion is tired

So the lion goes down

To the watering hole

Where it’s quieter

And tries to go to sleep

In the sky

The parrots call out

To one another

Even though

They should be sleeping

Because they’re excited

About the new colors

Coming through

In their feathers

The lion roars up at them

To stop squawking

And hawking

Because he’s trying to sleep

But the parrots

Do not fear the lion

Because the parrots are above him

Way up in the sky

And the lion has to find

A new place to sleep

He goes deep into the jungle

And finds a spot

Amongst the anthills

Where there’s the sound

Of no sound

But as soon as he puts

His glorious mane down

The ants circle around him

And pick him up

And try to carry him back

To the Queen

When they see he’s too big

To visit the Queen

The Queen comes for a visit with him

And she asks him

His intention as it relates

To him sleeping next to her kingdom

“Are you a threat,” she asks him

And he assures her

That never, in his entire lion-y life

Has he eaten an ant

And he’s offended that she

Would suggest such a thing

It makes no nevermind

To the Ant Queen

As she instructs him

To find another place to sleep

Since his presence

Makes all the other ants uncomfortable

And it’s very hard

To work around a giant sleeping lion

And ants are known

To work all throughout the day and night

So the lion would have to go elsewhere

The lion worked its way

Up the nearest tree

Where it found a limb

That seemed tucked under

A bushel of leaves

And he made himself comfortable

Wondering if he should simply

Make a home for himself

In the trees

Rather than the rocks

Where the leopards sometimes rest

And snore

And keep everybody awake

From his branch

He could see all over the jungle

And all the animals

Sleeping or not sleeping

And he realized

He had never thought about

All the creatures around him

And how their lives

Stop and start

While he eats and hunts

And sleeps

Or doesn’t sleep

The hum of the insects

As they buzz and bounce

In the air

Along with the snaps of twigs

As nocturnal animals

Move down on the ground

Create a symphony of nighttime

That irritates the lion at first

But then becomes sort of soothing
When he decides

To hear what he’s hearing

In a new way

When the lion (finally) falls asleep

He dreams of sleeping

And in that sleep he dreams of sleeping

And he goes deeper and deeper

Into slumber

Until he finally awakens

Still in the tree

And the sun is just breaking through

To the spot where he’s made a bed

He begins his long climb

Down the trunk

And into the day

Where he’ll grab breakfast for himself

Somewhere between the tallest grass

And the sun spots scattered

Around the edges of the jungle

Then he’ll start thinking

About when he can take

A nap