Oliver Rates the Orphanage

After visiting this orphanage

I can safely say

It is the worst orphanage

I have ever been raised in

The rags?

Filthy

The gruel?

Subpar

The heat?

Non-existent

We were constantly yelled at

As we essentially ran the place

I don’t know about you

But when I’m being brought up

In a home for boys

Whose parents are dead

I don’t expect to have to do

All the mopping myself

Yes, the singing was lovely

And I learned how to harmonize

By the time I was four

But that’s not a skill you can use

When you graduate from the orphanage

Only to be thrown out on the street

To become a full-on beggar

This is absolutely no

Upward mobility

And the education program there

Amounts to little more than

Mr. Bumble saying--

‘See if you can read

The label on this bottle of ale, you scrapper,

I’m trying to watch me diet’

Would it be too much to ask

To have them paint a few walls?

Tear up the floor?

Put some paprika in the gruel?

At least heat it up

It’s freezing

And we only get one portion a day!

And the rats!

They’re everywhere!

Yes, they sing as well

But they canNOT harmonize

And boy are they pitchy

I have escaped no less

Than fourteen times

And it seems like

The only thing

These people are good at

Is catching runaway orphans

Because they always find me

You’d think they would be

Thrilled to have one less mouth to feed

Their unseasoned porridge to

When I was nine

I made myself a tiny hat

To dress up my personal decor a bit

And they confiscated it

And used it as an ale cozy!

Any bit of joy I managed to scrounge up

Was quickly turned against me

And I found myself depressed

For most of my endless childhood

I realize that an orphanage is--

By its very nature

--Not meant to be a happy place

But certainly something can be done

To make it a little less morbid?

If you are thinking of dying

And leaving your children

To be raised in an orphanage

I encourage you not to drop off your child

At the Mudfog Workhouse

Most workhouses get around

The rules for being a good orphanage

By claiming that a workhouse is not an orphanage

Even though the place is RIDDLED

With ORPHANS

If you die and leave children behind

Please be sure to leave a will

Wherein you instruct

That they be sent to live

With a distant uncle

With a hidden garden on his property

Or a boxcar in his backyard

Or some charming mystery they can solve

That will help them get over

The terrible loss they’ve suffered

Save up some coins

They can receive

When they become of age

And perhaps set up a betrothal for them

Since dating as a grown-up orphan

Can be a very trying situation

I give the Mudfog Workhouse

One star

And I would give it less

If this website allowed for it

We won’t even discuss

The state of the restrooms

Trust me

You don’t want

To know