Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

There’s just no point
In getting this far in life
To sit in a condo by the beach
With nobody else
To enjoy it with

Not saying there aren’t people
Who have it worse

Lots of people
Millions

But I always assumed
That if I ever got this far
There’d be people around
When I got here

It’s not that I chased people away

Keeping anybody around
Just wasn’t on my mind very much
And I always thought
I didn’t need people

It’s crazy how you make
A decision like that
When you’re surrounded
By people

It’s like deciding if you’re going to eat again
After you’ve just had dinner

You won’t know about being lonely
Until you’re lonely

That’s how it works

And if you’re wondering
How it is
To be lonely by the beach
Let me tell you
It’s not like all those music videos
From the 90’s

It’s not sad in that pensive
Kind of way

It’s a deeper sort of sad
A sad where you get trapped in your head
And even though you have all this beauty in front of you
All you want to do
Is dig yourself down
Into the sand
And never come out again

I went online to one of those forums
And when I posted that
Somebody asked me
If I was thinking
Of hurting myself

That made me feel bad
Because I don’t want
Anybody worrying about me

I just want them
Keeping me company

The people in the forums aren’t bad
But for all I know
It could be one guy
With a frozen head in his freezer
Telling me all about
How he used to cure his loneliness
By turning the tv up so loud
His neighbors called the police

That made you feel like
There were people in your house?

No, but when the police came by
I’d invite ‘em to stay for awhile

If he’s a serial killer
At least he’s one of the charming ones

I got here
By saving up all my money
While my sister
Was pissing away hers

She used to say--

Why do I want to be rich
When I can have fun?

Never made sense to me
Until I got where I am now

And it’s not like I’m old
But I’m not young

And it’s not like I’m boring
But I’m not fun

My sister was fun
She was…

She was a lot of fun

She loved people
And she loved the beach

And she loved the Backstreet Boys

Those were the joys of her life

She had a lot of them
But those were the main ones

And she always made sure
I had a lot of fun
And that I was never alone
Even when I thought
I wanted to be

It’s a gift to have someone
Like that in your life

No matter how long
You have them for

It’s a gift

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Federal Hill

They put it in the papers
All the time

How it’s not the same
As it was

No fucking kidding
What is?

What’s the same
As it was
Thirty, forty years later?

The Pyramids?
The Grand Canyon?
The Ocean?
Even the oceans aren’t the same
They’re rising
Read a book
Fucking A

The Hill’s changing, so what?

All for the better?

Things don’t change for the better
In ways you recognize

My wife gets a new hairdo
You think I notice?

No

Does that mean I don’t like it?

No

Maybe she gets a haircut I don’t like
Then I notice

Maybe if I don’t notice
It means things are good
That’s how it is with my wife’s head
Why should the Hill
Be any different?

I like the new activity
I don’t like the crime, obviously
But there’s always been crime

That’s just part of the culture

The only thing that’s changed
Is who the crime is happening to

Nobody cared when their uncle
Was beating the shit out of somebody
So long as they nice and tucked in
A few blocks away
And nobody was going to bother them

And sometimes even then
People bothered them
Because maybe some people
Didn’t like your uncle so much

People tell the story
The way they want
To tell the story

This one’s a hero
And that one was a sweetheart
And this one went with all the boys
And there’s where you used to get soda pop
For a penny

Fuck all that

How do you know you can trust
The people telling you all this, huh?

You don’t

My sister lives near the Armory
And she used to be terrified
To leave her house

She’s still terrified
But now when she leaves
I’m not terrified

So that’s something, right?

When I was a kid
My best friend
Had an aunt
Who lived out in the woods
No people around
And one night
Three guys broke into her house
Tied her up
And left her there
For three days
Before somebody found her

She could have died
Cause of some maniacs

Surprised they didn’t kill her

And you want me to be thinking about--

Oh, aren’t you scared
Of where you live?

We should all be scared
To be alive

Period

There’s no such thing as safe
No matter where you are

So sometimes living in the fire
Is better than living
Next to it
Don’t you think?

Weird way of looking at it
But that’s how I look at things

That’s how you don’t drive yourself crazy

And sometimes you go crazy anyway

Nothing you can do


Nothing you can do about that

Monday, July 29, 2019

The Armory

I always tell myself
That I get depressed
Around this time of year

But it’s always
Whatever time of year
I’m in right now

Basically
I’m always depressed
And I tell myself
It’s time of year

I used to tell myself
It was location

My family used to live
Down near Manton Avenue
And then I moved
Over by the Armory
Right after I got married
And I’ve been here ever since

Drove my husband nuts
Saying--

Why can’t we live up in the woods?
Away from people?
I hate being near all these people

He got so sick of hearing me
Bitch about it
That he took off three years in
And I haven’t heard from him since

Got sick of me being unhappy
And didn’t know how to make me happy
And probably thought to himself--

Shouldn’t I be making her happy?

But he couldn’t
And it wasn’t his fault

I used to say--

It’s this state
It’s Providence
It’s where I’m at

But then I took a trip
Down to Florida
For a week
And I missed home so bad
I thought I was going to bust
And that was even more depressing

Came home and started to think--

Maybe it’s summer
I get sad in the summer
It’s probably summer

But then summer would be over
And I’d be in even worse shape

Thinking about how
Everyone was moving on
Going back to school
Sending their kids to school
Making plans
And I was just sitting in my house
By the armory
Watching it all happen
From my window

Sunday afternoons were the worst
Unbearable
Used to sleep through most of them

Winter would come
And people would say--

Oh, it’s seasonal depression

But what if it’s every season?
Then what do you call it?

Just depression, right?

Or something worse?

Spring wasn’t so bad
I don’t mind it
Except for that
It reminds me
Summer’s coming

Lately I go for walks
And that helps a little
But I don’t know why

Maybe it’s the exercise
Or the fresh air
Or just because it’s something
I think I’m supposed to be doing

I walk past all the houses
And I hear people talking
Cause their windows are open
Or I see people working on cars
Or riding bikes
And I feel like there’s nothing much
Going on in the world
That I’ve been missing
And that makes me feel okay
Until I get home
And double lock the door

I see all this nice stuff
And then I lock myself
Away from it
And I don’t know why

It’s all about knowing why
Or not knowing why

That’s what takes you
From low-level sad
To outright despair

The not knowing
The not knowing what it is
Inside you
That’s broken

And how

It got that way