The Dating Site

--  A business lunch.  --

CHARLOTTE:  So I figured out the trick.

JEN:  To increase sales?

CHARLOTTE:  Clients.

JEN:  Right, sorry, clients.

CHARLOTTE:  The thing is--this is a small state.

JEN:  It is.  It really is.

CHARLOTTE:  Really small.

JEN:  Don't I know it.

CHARLOTTE:  And there's no one to date.

JEN:  Nobody.  It's true.

CHARLOTTE:  And all these people are joining all these different dating sites looking for people.

JEN:  Right.

CHARLOTTE:  People that don't exist.

JEN:  Exactly.  You're exactly right.

CHARLOTTE:  That's how we get our site to stand out.

JEN:  How?  Bolder colors?  Easier access?

CHARLOTTE:  Jen, we can offer all the bells and whistles and easy access we want, but at the end of the day, if your site is the one that has the best people on it, you're the one everyone's going to sign up for.

JEN:  Absolutely.

CHARLOTTE:  And they'll pay for it.

JEN:  Sure, but that's only if you manage to get all these amazing, eligible people to sign up.  People who haven't already signed up for any other sites.

CHARLOTTE:  I've got them.

(A beat.)

JEN:  What?

CHARLOTTE:  I found them.  So far I have thirty-two eligible men and women ready to sign up for our site--exclusively.

JEN:  How did you manage that?

CHARLOTTE:  I'm paying them.

JEN:  You're paying them?

CHARLOTTE:  Moreso for the exclusivity than for just being on the site.  I know it sounds weird--

JEN:  Hey, no, that's great.  I mean, if it drives up traffic to the site--

CHARLOTTE:  You should see these people.  They're stunning.  And, I mean, decent conversationalists and whatever, but wow, are they attractive!

JEN:  Where did you find them?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, obviously, I had to do some...digging.

JEN:  And once these people find someone they like and take themselves off the site, do you find new people?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, that would get sort of expensive, so I was thinking I'd just keep this group around until people get sick of them--maybe two to three years?

JEN:  But what if they find someone they like before then?  And are they allowed to date each other?

CHARLOTTE:  It's sort of complicated.

JEN:  So they can't date each other?

CHARLOTTE:  I actually don't want them dating...anyone.

(A beat.)

JEN:  Huh?

CHARLOTTE: I'm prohibiting them for dating anyone else on the site.  They're allowed to talk to people and go on a few dates here or there, but they're not allowed to get into a relationship with anybody.

JEN:  So you're basically paying them to be, what?  Decoys?

CHARLOTTE:  They're not decoys.  They're there to ensure that people who sign up for the site have a good experience.

JEN:  Yeah, but only because all these attractive people are being paid to go out with them.  You may as well have gone out and gotten thirty-two prostitutes.

(A beat.)

CHARLOTTE:  This Caesar dressing is amazing.

JEN:  You didn't go out and get thirty-two prostitutes, did you?

CHARLOTTE:  ...Not exclusively.

JEN:  Charlotte!

CHARLOTTE:  Some of them are just high-priced escorts.

JEN:  How could you do this?!?!

CHARLOTTE:  Where else was I going to find gorgeous people I could pay to control?

JEN:  Are you kidding me?  We live in Los Angeles!  You just described everybody here!

CHARLOTTE:  Charlotte, these people specialize in showing people a good time.  It's their job!  You expect me to go get some out-of-work actor who did extra work on Boardwalk Empire to bore some poor slob from Encino to death over coffee?  No!  I went right to the professionals!

JEN:  So how does this work?  Someone messages the whore--

CHARLOTTE:  Professional Dater.

JEN:  Whatever.  And she goes out with some guy on two or three dates and then never talks to him again?

CHARLOTTE:  Pretty much.

JEN:  Won't he just feel dejected and awful?

CHARLOTTE:  No, because right around the time that girl disappears, another girl will start messaging him.  That way, he won't even remember the last girl.  It'll be the same for the women.  One professional replaces another.

JEN:  And what happens when they go through all sixteen?

CHARLOTTE:  Well, hopefully, before that happens, they meet an actual person they can date.  But if it doesn't, the first professional just shows up again and says "Sorry, I lost your number.  Want to go out again."

JEN:  By that time, you could also have a brand new batch of hookers.

CHARLOTTE:  Professionals.  And yes, that's true.  I didn't think of that.

JEN:  Well, I have to say--this is sort of a brilliant idea.

CHARLOTTE:  Really?

JEN:  I don't know if it'll work with the women, but it's every man's fantasy to have a new beautiful woman want to date him every few weeks.

CHARLOTTE:  I know, right!

JEN:  And even though it's completely immoral and wrong, since you're not paying these people to have sex, I don't really think it crosses that--

CHARLOTTE:  Well, they're not going to be forced to have sex with anyone.

JEN:  Forced?

CHARLOTTE:  Yeah, I mean, if they want to have sex with someone, that's their choice, but--

JEN:  Charlotte, you're paying these people to go on dates.  If you pay them to go on dates and then they have sex with--

CHARLOTTE:  Then, that's totally their choice.

JEN:  I think that's really--

CHARLOTTE:  I mean, they'll get a bonus too, but other than that--

JEN:  A bonus?

CHARLOTTE:  Yeah, just a--you know, something, to--because they went the extra mile.

JEN:  A financial bonus?

CHARLOTTE:  Oh c'mon, Jen, it's not like I'm going to give them a toaster oven every time they have sex with someone.

JEN:  Charlotte!  This is insane!

CHARLOTTE:  Do you have any idea how much money we'll pull in if we're known as--

JEN:  As what?  The Hooker House?

CHARLOTTE:  The regular users won't know they're having sex with professionals.

JEN:  I'm sure when the women on the site start having sex with sensitive, charming men who listen to their every word, are totally attuned to their needs, and care about nothing more than making them feel good, they're going to know something is terribly wrong.

CHARLOTTE:  Jen, four of my guys are from Australia.  One can bench-press a Prius.  Trust me, these women are going to be sending me gift baskets once a month.

JEN:  There's also the matter of us getting arrested.

CHARLOTTE:  We're not going to get arrested!  People do this sort of thing all the time.

JEN:  Pimps!  Pimps do this sort of thing all the time!  Pimps and madams.  I am not a madam.  I don't own a silk robe.  I don't drink out of a snifter.  I don't drape cloth over my lamps and play Sam Cooke for no reason.

CHARLOTTE:  Jennifer, we run a dating site.  People come to us desperate for love and attention.  They want someone to connect with them, to dig into their souls, and bring out their inner good.  And they're never going to find that because it's 2013 and people only care about themselves and whoever happens to be on the cover of Us Weekly so instead we're giving them hookers and gigolos.  We can either be romantics or capitalists who get laid by people who don't really love them, and I'm nearing forty so the latter is looking better and better everyday.  Now are you in, or are you out?

JEN:  Nothing you just said is true.  That guy Trevor I met on the site last month?  He and I have gone on three amazing dates, and I am not ashamed to tell you that last night, I had the best sex with him I have ever had in my life.  He was tender and gentle and ohmygodhesoneofthemisn'the?

CHARLOTTE:  You know, I haven't seen our waitress in hours.

JEN:  How could you do this?

CHARLOTTE:  Do what?  I just added them a month ago.  I was waiting for the right time to tell you.  I didn't think you'd have already gone through one of them by now.

JEN:  Is his real name even Trevor?

CHARLOTTE:  That's what he told me it was.  Trevor Hardbody.

(A beat.)

CHARLOTTE:  Okay, so maybe not.

JEN:  I will never forgive you for this.

CHARLOTTE:  You don't have to forgive me, but you do owe four hundred bucks.

JEN:  Four hundred bucks?!?!?  That's how much that guy is worth?

CHARLOTTE:  And he's one of the cheaper ones.

JEN:  That's crazy!

CHARLOTTE:  Is it, Jen?  Think about it.

(She thinks about it.)

JEN:  Okay, fine.  I'm in.

CHARLOTTE:  Really?

JEN:  Yes, but from now on--I get a company discount.

The End

Peter in Tribeca

She's not coming
Because she's pissed at me
Because I brought home that girl the other night
For, like, not even a sexual reason
But because, like, she told me she's into cleaning houses
Like, she gets off on it
And my place was filthy
So I had her clean it
So I guess it was sort of sexual for her
But it meant nothing to me

Anyway, now Tracey's pissed at me
And I'm like--
We're not even dating, Tracey
You just have sex with me whenever I want
And sometimes we get dinner afterwards
That's not a relationship
Like, we're not even friends
I mean, we are, I love her, she's awesome
But I'm not going to get involved with her, she's nuts

Oh my God, look at Foursquare
Like everyone I've dated is in there right
Tony, Tommy, Other Tony, Nick
I guess I have a thing for Italians

I shouldn't even go in there
Hey, let's, like, not go in there
Let's go to Chaz's place instead
He's doing this listening party
With his new CD
And that girl he knows
Who sings jazz
She's going to be there
Singing, or something
I don't know
But at least it won't be awkward
I mean, it'll absolutely be awkward
Because everything about what I just said is awkward
Because at least it won't be personally awkward
It'll just be generally awkward
For everyone involved

Oh my God
I can feel everybody judging me
And I'm not even inside the club yet

The thing is
When I know people are looking at me
I start to crunch down into a ball
Like a hedgehog
And I just sort of let people step over me
Until I feel like people don't know I'm there anymore
And then I crawl out the nearest exit

It's like a syndrome or something

We should have gone to Brooklyn tonight
I never date anybody in Brooklyn
So it's always totally fine

Except for it being depressing

But that's, like, everything nowadays

If I stopped going places in this city
Just because they make me sad
I'd be stuck at home all the time
Like Tracey
Or that girl who moaned for a solid hour
Just because I let her scrub my fridge

I'd be a freak

You can't live in this city without being depressed

The trick is to medicate
And to always find
The least depressing thing to do
On any given night
While at the same time making sure
That you're always doing something

If you can master that
You can live here forever

What You Do Well

The first movie I did
Was this really stupid
Romantic comedy

And it hit
It hit really big
And it was, like, okay--choices

I could do another romantic comedy
And risk everybody pigeonholing me
Or I could do something totally different

So I did a horror movie
And everybody said--
'Oh!  Why?  Do another romantic comedy!'

But I was like--Huh?
The horror movie made money
I mean, it made money...in Singapore

It didn't flop
Not really
It did well!--in Spain

Like, one of the top three movies of the year
In Spain
Top five in England

British people don't just love anything, you know
So I was like, 'No, I branched out
And I'm going to keep doing it'

So I did this really dramatic movie
And that tanked
I mean, I can't even spin that--it just tanked

And then I was sort of panicking
But I thought--No, it's okay
Comedy's your thing

That doesn't mean you have to make bad comedies
It doesn't mean you have to continue making
The same movie over and over again

So I made a dark comedy
And it bombed
Even bigger than the dramatic movie

So at that point, I'm thinking
Okay, enough screwing around
I'm going back to romantic comedy

If that's what they want
That's what they want
So I did a romantic comedy

But at that point
It just seemed desperate
Like--Oh sure, you're doing that now because it's all you CAN do

So basically
I was faulted
For doing what everybody wanted me to do
Because I did other stuff in between

How it works is
You find something you're good at
And then you either milk it to death
While people look on in disdain

Or you try different things
And people suggest you go back to doing what you were originally doing
So they can say you're milking it
And look on in disdain

When what it all really comes down to is
If you do something well
There's always going to be some asshole
Who doesn't do anything well
And wants to be pissed at you

I wish somebody had told me that
Three movies ago

A Murder in Providence: Day Four

Listen--no, listen to me

I mean--you want a sign?

You want some kind of sign
Other than this?

Is this not enough?

They killed a girl, okay?

Killed her
And dumped her in the river
Like she was nothing

That's what's going on here

Darkness, okay?
I told you
Darkness

It's, like, sucking up
This entire city

That's why you have to get me out of here

Just get me a bus ticket
Look, I'm already at Kennedy Plaza, okay?

I'm already here

I just need a ticket out

Fuck you, okay?

You're in New York
You're in Manhattan
LIVING in Manhattan
And you won't get me a ticket out of here?

What about loving me?
What about how that obligates you?

You left me here to die
So you could go to your fancy fucking school
In New York
In Manhattan

You didn't even take me with you
What does that say about you?
About how you treat people?

You're no better
Than whoever threw that girl into the river
In her fucking prom dress
Sick motherfuckers

I'm going to wind up like that
Floating face-down in a river
While you sit at your fancy fucking tables
In your fancy restaurants
Letting people serve you
And tell you how great you are

Everybody leaves
Everybody fucking leaves
And the rest of us
Have to fight for our lives
Or we get slaughtered

Kill or somebody chokes
The fucking life out of you
That's the choice

Those are the options

You gotta get me that ticket, babe
Okay?

You gotta--

Please

Please get me out of here

It's going to happen again

I know it is

And either it's going to happen to me or...

Hey babe

I gotta go

Anxious

You know, I'm just anxious

And people are all like--

Why are you anxious?

And I feel like saying--

Are you currently living in the world?

Are you currently a member of the pre-existing world?

And you feel you have nothing to be anxious about?

Do you not read?

Do you not watch television?

Do you not participate in the world-at-large?

I'm anxious because at any given moment

A comet could hit the earth

Or a car could hit me

Or I could be chased down the street by a wacko wielding a machete

Or I could just have a heart attack and die

Do you know that you are no longer too young to die of anything?

Because of the crap they put in food now

You can die of lung cancer without smoking

You can die of breast cancer without breasts

You can die of having a heart attack at age six

We can all die of anything and everything

And I don't really want to die

I'm depressed thinking about dying

And being depressed makes me want to die

But if I thought I wasn't going to die

I would really want to live

Isn't that awful?

I mean, that fucking sucks, right?

I'm anxious because I have no money

And people tell me I'm never going to have money

Unless I win the lottery

And if I do, I'll go back to worrying about dying

I can either live in the bad stuff and deal with that

Or have good stuff happen to me

And then worry about not living long enough

To enjoy the good stuff

Those are my options

And you wonder why I'm anxious?

Don't try to make me un-anxious, okay?

Don't try to make anyone un-anxious

Don't bother

Teach people to live with it

To live with the anxiety

If the sky turned black tomorrow, would you try to change it?

Or would you learn to live with it?

Would you say 'That's the sky now'

Can't do anything about it

Because you couldn't, right?

And you'd know that

You'd know that instantly

Think about that

Really think about it

Then see how good you feel

At Least Someone Gave You the Dawn

The problem with you is
You worry so much
About what everybody else is thinking

I don't care
Not one bit
About what anybody else thinks

I never felt so good about myself
I had time left over
To worry about somebody else

And I mean every inch of that sentence

That's why I never had kids
Or got married
Or intentionally spoke to anybody
For thirty-seven years

I just couldn't be bothered
To be...responsible
For anybody

Maybe that's no way to live
Hell, I don't know

I don't have wrinkles
And I can still make my own spit
So I must have done something right

You're so young
And already
I can see age
Bearing down on you

Because you know too much

You got too many ways
To find out
How many people
Don't like you

Back when I was young
If somebody hated you
You only knew it if they told you
And they never did
Because when I was young
People were polite, goddammit

So you went through life
Blissfully unaware

Thinking you were just the best
Until your parents reminded you
You weren't worth shit
And somewhere in there
Was balance, good and proper

Honey, everybody gets their time
And nowadays
With folks living longer
Some people get four or five times

You had your first
And you'll have another
But right now
Somebody else has gotta be in
And that means you gotta be out
And there ain't nothin' to do about it
But say it's so
And go to sleep

At least someone gave you the dawn

A piece of something so beautiful
It only gets better
Every time you see it

The first time I ever saw a dawn
Was on my Daddy's knee
When I was six-years-old
And I'd been up all night
With the flu

He wasn't sure I was going to make it
And then the sun came up
And I asked him if that happened every day
And he said, 'It sure does'
And I remember thinking
Well then, I can't die
Because I don't want to miss out
On a lifetime of that

Ain't that a nice story?

Makes you want to stop crying
Take a deep breath
And press on, don't it?

Hell, I'm old as dirt
And I'm still pressing

As long as there's a dawn to see
I'm going to keep
Trying to see it

Even when I was sick of everything
Life had to offer

Never saw dawn
I didn't like seeing

A Murder in Providence: Day Three

My daughter woke up
In the middle of the night
Screaming

I went into her room
And she was saying
'The girl, the girl'

And it wasn't like before
When it first started
And it...

Look, this is going to sound nuts
But it started a week before the murder
Before they found that woman
Floating in the river
In that pink dress

My daughter
My four-year-old daughter
Woke up
In the middle of the night
Screaming about a girl
A girl in the pool
A girl in a dress
A pink dress
She actually said
A pink dress
And the girl, she said
The girl needs help

I just thought it was a nightmare
An imaginary friend or something
That she'd made up
But she was crying so hard
I took her back to bed with me
So she could relax
And even then
She shook so badly
I thought about taking her to the hospital

That happened every night for a week
And then...

The night it happened
--And, keep in mind
I didn't know it was the night that it, you know, happened
I didn't know the girl
I didn't know anything...
I mean, about--the murder

I just knew that I'd started sleeping in the hallway
Right outside my daughter's room
Waiting for the, you know, explosion

And this night, I mean, on the night
The girl actually did drown
Or was killed
Or whatever

Nothing happened

I sat there
Listening
My ear pressed up against the door
Waiting to hear something
And...nothing

I thought, Oh thank, God
It's finally passed
This thing
This phase
It's over

We can go back to normal

I got up to go back to bed
And then...

I don't know what it was
But I stopped

They say 'dead in your tracks'
And I did
I stopped dead in my tracks
Because something...

...Wasn't right

I opened the door to my daughter's bedroom
And she was...

Oh God

She was soaking wet
Everything was

The bed
The floor
Her toys

Water dripping from the ceiling
I'm not kidding

I ran over to the bed
And pulled her to me

She was choking
There was water in her mouth

I grabbed her and ran downstairs
To the garage
Screaming the whole time
For somebody to call 9-1-1

I got her to the hospital
But by then, she was fine

She'd just swallowed some water

They told me a water pipe burst above her room
And some of the plaster in the ceiling gave way
And that's what happened

Easy explanation

But that was before we knew about the girl

The girl in the river

Now, my daughter talks to her
That girl

She doesn't know about the murder
She just knows she has a new friend
Who only she can see

I don't know what any of this means
I really don't

But it's strange, isn't it?

Don't you think it's strange?

Cooking for the Average Woman

Hello everyone

My name is Marjorie Follett

And  this is Cooking for the Average Woman

Goodness, it’s hot in here

Don’t y’all feel kind of warm?

I’m just going to take off this dress I’m wearing

And leave my cool, silk apron

Right where it is

--There!  That’s better

Now today, we’re going to make

A spring salad

And a nice, hot, spicy chili

With—

Phew, I’m getting sort of worked up

Just talking about that

That nice, hot, spicy chili

That you can eat on a nice, hot night

When the moon’s hitting your bare backside

As you slide seductively into a nearby pond

Or lake

Or even a kiddie pool

Depending on what you have

Because you’re an….average woman

Can’t you just see yourself

Making that spring salad

When all of a sudden

A strong pair of brawny arms

Sneaks up behind you

And wraps you up

Before you can take your diamond earrings off

So they don’t fall down the sink again

While he’s got you—

Ahh…hahaha…We should get working on that lobster

Oh, did I mention there’s lobster in the spring salad?

Well, of course there is

Otherwise it’s just lettuce

And who the hell wants to eat that?

Now, of course

I don’t know how to prepare lobster

My cook does that for me

But I’m sure you can buy it pre-cooked or something

And just toss it in the salad

The way you might toss your hair back

While those brawny arms

Grip your waist

The way a drowning man

Might grip a life-saver

In a turbulent sea

Oh God, now I’m thinking of sailors

Does anybody have a fan?

Or maybe somebody could just fan me?

I have some lettuce you could use

I’m not going to make the salad

Or the chili

I’ll just eat the lobster

And call it a day

…And you know what?

You should too

You’ve earned it

People eat too much these days anyway

And that’s your average woman lesson of the day!

I’ll see you tomorrow when we make Marjorie’s Wholesome Chicken Soup

It’s so good you just want to pour it all over yourself

And have somebody lick…

Uh, well—See you tomorrow!

God, it’s hard being average

Spirit

When someone asks me

What she gave me

I say

She defined

Spirit

For me

I know what a self is

And a soul

And an identity

I know what I’m made of

And who I’m part of

And what I’d like to be

She took a cloth

And washed my face

And suddenly my flaws

Were missing letters

In a crossword puzzle

Something that can be worked on

When Sunday afternoon rolls around

Spirit is elusive to me

I’m not sure

What it’s supposed to be

Is it what I love?

What I need?

What I’m built on

What I’ve faced?

Is my spirit battered?

Has it been broken

Like my heart?

Does it have wings?

Is it angelic?

Is it broad like a strong man’s shoulders?

Or small like a field mouse

Mild, yet proud

Does it mean something

To anybody

Other than me?

I didn’t know

But then she came along

And put her finger down on it

Like pointing out a page in a book

Simple as that

There it is

That’s you

And then—

One word later—

That’s me

And we can be two and one

And one doesn’t take from the other

You see?

That’s spirit

That’s what a spirit is

She gave that to me

Love?

You can love anybody

I can love chocolate cake

And I can love my mother

And I can fall out of it

Like water from a bucket

That’s got too much in it

But her?

She’s my spirit

She can never be

Too close to me

A Murder in Providence: Day Two

Did you hear about the prom dress?

She was wearing a prom dress

They found her floating in a river

In the prom dress

That’s more disturbing than it sounds

I mean, when they actually place a body on your table

And I mean, I’ve seen some stuff

I’ve seen some pretty uncomfortable stuff

But something about a twenty-six year-old woman

In a prom dress

Plus, you know, dead, is just—

But she wasn’t sexually violated

That’s the odd thing

She hadn’t been touched

She was pristine

Like a little doll

Even having been in the water

I mean, she wasn’t in it very long

But still—she shouldn’t have looked

As good as she did

Her make-up was messed up

But sort of—

It was like it was staged

Like she was doing an album cover or something

I remember thinking

She looked like Courtney Love

In the Celebrity Skin video

If that jogs anything for you

If you want to know how she was killed

It was suffocation

Somebody actually choked that woman to death

And if you know anything about

Psychosis or the criminal mind

You know that strangulation

Means you’re messed up

Like, really messed up

Because you have to look at the person

You actually have to look at them

When you’re doing it

You have to look into their eyes

And know that you are in control of them

You are slowly taking away their life

Second by second

And you have to keep doing it

You have to choose to keep going

To keep taking that life

And to either hate someone that much

Or to take such joy out of having that control

Of being able to play God

That…

Well, that’s a dangerous person right there

That’s somebody you have to look out for

I went home that night all messed up

Normally, I’m immune to getting upset

About what I see at work

But something about this—

That girl looked like a ghost, you know?

I mean, I felt like any minute

She was just going to open her eyes

And float right off the table

I walked through my front door

And my husband was sitting in the dining room

Eating dinner

He saw the look on my face

And he knew just what to do

He cleared off the table

Removed his clothing

Down to his underwear

And laid down for me

Just like how we’ve practiced

I walked over to him

And put my hand on his forehead

I said, ‘Thank you, babe

I’m really going to need this tonight’

Then I took my knife out of my bag

And went to work

The New Year's Resolutions of Angelina Jolie

I'd like to direct more
And speak more
And try to challenge this whole perception people have of me

That I'm..............................

............intimidating

I'd like to win another Oscar
But for Sound Design

I'd like to make that sequel to Girl, Interrupted
Where I kill Winona Ryder's character
And then go on the run
From the C.I.A.

I'd like Brad to stop doing this thing he does in bed
Where he brings me to heights of ecstasy
No mortal woman will ever know
So that I can feel the breath of angels
Dusting my face with a coating of joy
Only to finish
And then sleep in the guest room
Because my leg shakes when I sleep

I'd like to lose four...children
Not by death, of course
Just sort of...like could they just wander away?
Or be adopted by some other celebrity?
Like Sting?
Does Sting need children?

I don't necessarily want all four to go at once
But gradually
Over time
So that I don't even notice

Biological
Adopted
It's all the same to me

It's just...you know, even with nannies
There's just too many of them

I'd like to give up smiling
You might say, 'Angelina, you don't smile anyway!  You never smile!'
And I'd say, 'Children, you're giving Mommy a headache, please go away!
And stop calling me, Angelina.'

The truth is I smile once a night
Before I go to bed
Because I know I'll be lifted up to Paradise
By Brad
But even that's making a wrinkle appear
On the right side of my face
And it's unacceptable

Brad doesn't even have normal human genitalia, you know

It's more like a...wonderful, aerodynamic, buzzing wand
That searches for the weakest parts of a woman's true self
And makes them strong and...powerful

I'd like to quit exhaling
It just seems unnecessary to me

Science says it's impossible
But that's never stopped me before

I breathe underwater
I eat once a year
I haven't urinated since 2003

Why stop challenging myself now?

In my opinion,
Life is all about hearing somebody tell you that you can't do something
And then stealing their husband

Or something

Anyway, I have to go

I'm designing a set for a production of Ibsen's The Master Builder
In Bulgaria for this Asian director
You've never heard of

Ah well, another year
Another day

God, I'm such a philosopher
I really need to learn
To ease up on that

Wisdom can be so.............

...........heavy

The World Ended Last Year

Everyone said the world was going to end last year

…And they were right

Joe died last year

The world is over

For me anyway

For the kids

A man has a heart attack

And the world ends

Bet you didn’t know that could happen, did you?

Maybe you didn’t read the, uh, the what?

The prophesy

Maybe you didn’t read it right

Maybe the world wasn’t supposed to end for everybody

Maybe it was just supposed to end for me

For my family

Maybe I took the hit for the world

Did you ever think about that?

I look around now

And I feel like I’m in a science fiction novel or something

Like this is a parallel universe

Like people aren’t real

Like maybe Joe didn’t have a heart attack while he was driving

And went right into a ditch

Maybe instead a comet just hit the earth

And this is death

This is the Afterlife

This is Hell

Could that be possible?

So now I have conversations but I don’t talk and I’m not listening

People hug me and I don’t feel it

They give their condolences and I want them to die

I just want them to die

I want everybody to die

I want the world to end

Because it already has

It’s just that nobody else has noticed yet

A Murder in Providence: Day One

I saw the body

If that’s what you’re going to ask me

Then yes, I saw it

It was…

This sort of coldwater moment

Because I was so happy

In the moment

I remember happiness

Being so overjoyed

Because lying in the bed…

Uh…I live in these apartments

That overlook the river

Near the mall

You can see where they do Waterfire

It’s really nice

Kind of a pain

If you don’t like noise

But I don’t mind it

The noise, I mean

Anyway, lying in bed

Was this, uh, person

I spent the night with

And so I had just gotten up

And thrown on a bathrobe

Put the coffee on

I was going to start breakfast

And…

I looked out the window

And I saw…

I’m sorry

Uh…

This is…

Jesus

She was floating

In the river

She had this pink, sort of…

I guess it was a prom dress?

I mean, it looked like that

And she was floating on the river

Right past my line of, uh, sight

What I could see

If you’re looking for who did this

I can’t really offer much more than that

As soon as I saw what was going on

The body, I mean, I just—

Turned around

And, uh…

I went back to bed

I was shaking

I mean, my body was—

So I put my arms around…

The reason I didn’t say anything

Up until now

Is because…

I mean, what could I offer?

That I saw her

That I saw her

And just went back to bed?

I mean, maybe I could have called the police

Maybe she had just fallen in the river

But I didn’t think so

I didn’t think that was what happened

I knew it was…

I knew it was something bad

So I went back to bed

With this person who…

…Is not my spouse

That, uh, might also have something to do with the whole

Me-not-saying-anything

…thing

All those questions

Giving a statement

Being interviewed by the news

And I felt bad

I really did

Because that’s not me

Normally I’m very eager to help

In any situation

But then it exploded

You know, the whole town

The state

I mean, we were on the Today Show

Every day for a month

That’s unheard of for just, you know

A murder in Providence

But this was like…so much more

So I was kind of glad

I didn’t get involved

I didn’t even want to, you know, talk

About this

Because, it messed me up

I mean, it really did

I didn’t get out of bed for four days

The guy in the bed left

The person I’m married to came home

And was like—

‘Did you hear about the girl in the river?’

And I said, ‘No—

--No, I didn’t’

And in my mind, it felt true

I swear to God

It really did

It’s amazing what you can make yourself believe

If you turn away from the truth

Fast enough