Why Straight People Can't Get Married

Okay, first off

It's not that I don't think they should get married
I think people should be able to do whatever they want
But statistics have shown
That when they get married
They have kids
And when they have kids
Those kids tend to turn up straight

I mean, sure
Some turn out gay
But when they do
The straight people don't know how to raise them

And is that fair to the kids?

Plus studies have shown
That if you were to let them get married
More than half would end up getting divorced anyway

So what's the point?

I mean, right?

Would getting married even HAVE value at that point?

If more than half of them
Aren't dedicated enough to make it
Then why don't we just let animals get married?

Why don't we let furniture pair off?

Why don't we let muffins marry tractor trailers?

I mean, if you're going to make a mockery of it--

Plus, have you seen the television lately?

THEY'RE ALL OVER IT!

Sex and the City
Gossip Girl
Anything on VH1

Those people have no business getting married
All they want to do is sleep around
And do drugs

I'm not against them
I'm just stating facts

I'm all for letting have their little church ceremonies
And legalized unions
But marriage--

I mean, that's a very hefty word

And quite frankly
I just don't think they've earned it

Haircut

He'll tell you it's a half hour

No matter when you call
No matter how many people are waiting
No matter when you're coming in

It's gonna be a half hour

So you show up
And you wait
You wait hours

You look at the guy next to you
He has a beard
That he didn't have
When he got there

It's a Saturday morning
And you thought you'd be in and out
If you showed up
At the ungodly hour
Of 8-A-M

There are people everywhere
Mostly fathers with young sons
Who have been dispatched to the barber
Some for the first time

So there you are
Surrounded by hair
People with hair
With too much hair

You're wondering what's taking so long

Every man boy and guy
That walks away from that chair
Has a buzzcut

You want a buzzcut

Well, not really
You don't
But you'll take it
If it means
You'll get out of here faster

None of that is the point
The point is
It does NOT take very long
To give a buzzcut

So why is everybody in that chair
For at least forty-five minutes?

Oh right...

Because the barber talks

He does nothing BUT talk

He talks
He talks
He talks
He buzzes a patch of hair

He talks
He talks
He talks
He steps to the side
Looks
Talks
Buzzes a patch of hair

He talks
He talks
He talks
He chews on his gum
He talks
He steps to the side
He talks
He steps back
He talks
He snips some hair with scissors
Then buzzes it off

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT?

Why is this haircut
Turning into a choreographed routine?

There is hope in your heart
That the others around you
Will also get irritated
And rise up against this chatty dictator

He who rules with iron trimmers

But instead
They seem to love his behavior
Perhaps this is the only chance some of them get
To converse with another man

You overhear some of the conversation

'Fuckin' team sucks.'
'Ay, they not so bad.'
'Ay, they suck.'
'Yeah, they prob'ly do.'

Can the long-haired men
Not have this conversation at home
With their coffee mugs?

You try paying attention to the three by three inch
Television situated in a corner of the room
But it's so grainy and the volume is so low
That for all you know
You're watching soft-core pornography

It wouldn't surprise you

You start to have illusions of doing your own hair...

How hard could it be?
Could it be that hard?
Would you really turn out
Looking like a character
From 'Girl, Interrupted?'

Yes

Yes, you would

So you sit right where you are
And you wait your turn
And when the time comes
For you to sit in the chair

The barber will ask you
How you're doing

And you'll say--

'Fine. Just fine, thanks.'

Resolve Not to Be Crazy

Tina...

Tina...

Tina...

Another year
Another year of crazy
Come and gone

Another gray hair on my head
Because y'all gotta ruin my life
With your no-meds style of living

Well, I got some resolutions for y'all
Things I think you should resolve to do
In this upcoming year

Rhonda, I think you should resolve
To sell that oboe
Before I throw it out the window

...Again

I still think you filled that dumpster with pillows
Because you knew what I was gonna do

Well guess?

Next time I'm filling the dumpster with horse manure
Then lighting it on fire
THEN throwing the oboe in it

So think about that
And then think about selling
That oboe

Take up a quiet instrument
Like the flute
Or the--

Nooooo--not the BONGOS

Ain't gonna be no bongo playin' in my house
On a Monday
While I'm trying to watch my Intervention
And my Hoarders

Speaking of which, I called that show
Because y'all are some Hoarders
And I don't see why we shouldn't capitalize on that

They didn't think y'all were crazy enough
Until I told them I saw Brandi drop a peach slice on the floor
Then it eat it like the floor was clean
When that floor ain't been cleaned in YEARS

YEAR-UHS

Brandi, I think you should resolve
To make this the year
You see a therapist
And get yourself some mental health
Or institutionalized
Whatever works best

I think you should resolve
To stop jumping on my couch
And dressing like a skanktank
And eating post-it notes

Then maybe you'll meet a man
And get the hell out of this place

TINA!

I am not talking to you--yet
So you need to relax
I gotta tell Cindy her resolutions first

Hand me my Double Stuf
I am resolving to eat more Double Stuf
In this upcoming year

Now Cindy, you need to resolve
To become a lady-lover
That's right, you heard me
You need to be done with me

DONE WITH THEM

They treat you bad
They make you cry
You can't find a one of 'em
That's decent in the hoo hah department

So you need to move on
Into a different direction
And that direction is lesbianism

Stop crying, Cindy
I know the truth hurts
But that's because your head is so thick
The truth's gotta bang up against it
Until you finally let it in

If Brandi calms her mental illness
Maybe she can find a man
And maybe that man will have a sister
And maybe then you can BOTH move out
And that'll just leave me with--

Miss Tina

Tina, you need to resolve
Not to be crazy

And I don't mean like how Brandi is
I don't mean
Dropped-On-Your-Baby-Head Crazy

I'm talkin' Mean Ass Bitch Crazy

You need to resolve
To knock that shit off
Because if you don't
This is gonna be the last year
You see outta both your eyes

I want you to think about that, Tina

Oh, and resolve to stay out of my closet!
I ain't playing around anymore

My closet smells like Doritos
And I know that's 'cause of you

You smell like Nasty Ranch, Tina
Don't get mad at me
God made you that way
He made you smell like Nasty Ranch Doritos

I don't know why
That's your cross to bear

Maybe this year you can have your pores looked at
Or something

. . . . .

You know, I was going to resolve to move this year
Get my own place
Start my life again
But then I realized
I don't need to do that

I just need to kick all your asses out

So start the clocks, ladies
Because in twelve short months

Y'all are gonna have to resolve
To drive somebody else crazy

Naked City

We took away the houses
And the windows
The signs
The light

We took away the iron
We took apart the fire escapes
We took a lot of trash
And tossed it

While tearing asunder the street corners
We took the restaurants
And the cafes
And the cars
And the crap
And we dropped it all somewhere
And walked away from it

And we returned to a naked city
Where we couldn't hide
Behind dumpsters and curtains
Or lock ourselves away
In warm spaces
And places with dim lighting
Fighting to pretend
That we're out with friends
When we're as alone
As we've ever been

And for the first time we felt air
And allowed ourselves to breathe it
And we looked at each other
And looked away
And learned to look again

Some of us wanted to leave
Some of us actually left
But the rest of us stayed
And prayed we could figure out
How to go about living
And a naked city

You'd Wear It Too

So you think she's a slut
Well I guess I'd be a slut too
If I were a girl
And I looked like her

I'd show skin
Lots of skin
I'd walk around
Wearing pasties
And strategically placed
Sequins

Assuming that I wasn't some bitter bitch
Who can't squeeze into the clothes
That my friend likes to wear

Something tells me
You'd wear it too
If it fit on you

Something tells me you're mad
Because boys don't like you
Because high school was eight years ago
And you fit in a lot better
When you could sequester
A bunch of fags at a lunch table
To cackle over how dumb cheerleaders are

Well, guess what, sweetheart
I'd rather be a cheerleader
Than a human slushie

Go hop on a treadmill
Then go fuck yourself
Since nobody else
Will do it for you

My friend is a gorgeous
Vibrant young woman
Who takes advantage of what she's got
And I would too

I'd rather than be her than you
Not because she's pretty
But because she's happy

Don't try to suck someone's happiness
Out of the world
By labeling them a slut

Shut your mouth
And maybe one day
You'll fit
Just fine

In the meantime
Keep in mind
That if you could wear it
You'd wear it too

365 Superman

Vroom Vroom

I don't have a car
But I own a truck
That goes

Round Round Round

But it's not going fast
Not fast enough
I go faster, faster

Spin, spin, spin

There's a blue plane
There's a red train
There's a car with a lightning strike
Striped across the sides

Wanna go for a ride?

In my truck?
Or do you like cars?
Or do you like boats?

Wanna get in my truck?

Go vroom, 'round the back
To the kitchen
To the bath
Where I have to take baths
Even though I don't want to
Because I took one yesterday

I'm Superman, did you know?
Did you know that I am?

I've been Superman all year
But I have to stop being him
Because everyone gets to be Superman
For a year

And everyone gets to drive the truck
But after this year
I get to drive a car
And go vroom, vroom, vroom

Even better
Way better

But 'till then I gotta drive this truck
But it's not so bad

Wanna drive in the truck with me?
Be Superman

My Mom says I'm 365 Superman
That's how many hamburgers I can eat
In one day only

Cool, huh?

Jack Hardy's Bitter Gay New Year's Eve

It's like...depressing

Like, not happy.

You know?

Like...I'm devastated...

And it's New Year's Eve

Ew.

Yeah.

You wanna make out?

Whatever.

It's fine.

So that's a 'No,' right?

Okay...

Fine.

Do you have chapstick on you?

Is it cinnamon?

Oh....never mind.

We should have gone to Slice.

They have red chairs there.

It's sooo much cooler there.

No, I don't want to go now.

I'm over it.

You know who I hate? My ex.

I wish he was here.

Whatever.

Hate him.

Do you smell potato chips?

I really want potato chips.

Look at that guy dancing.

He's stupid.

I should go down there and hit him.

Whatever.

It's so rank in here.

I hate it.

No, let's stay.

Like, why leave?

You know?

We're here.

It sucks.

Happy New Year.

I want to kill myself.

Do you like my jeans?

They were so much money.

And I'm broke.

But my ass looks hot.

So yeah...

Is that a fedora?

Is she wearing a fedora?

I hate her.

Slash love her.

What's her name?

Do you know her?

Should I say Hi?

You don't know her?

You don't know anyone.

Ew, don't get bitchy.

Whatever.

I want potato chips.

I think I'm sober.

That's rank.

Is that a cheetah down there?

It looks like a cheetah.

A what?

Just a girl on all fours?

Well, she's amazing.

Why is she here?

She looks like a cheetah.

Amazing Cheetah Girl of My Life.

Love her.

Slash hate her.

Whatever.

I want to get handcuffed tonight.

Do you want to handcuff me?

We don't have to touch.

Ew, fine.

Do you like ugly guys?

I don't.

But sometimes I get desperate.

Hint hint.

Wink wink.

Nod nod.

I made an ashtray out of a tube sock at camp.

I was like eleven.

Yeah...

Camp sucked

Whatever

Is cheetah girl looking up at me?

She's not?

What a bitch.

Fuck her.

I hate her.

I should dance with her.

Want to?

Ew, okay.

Question.

Do these jeans make my bulge look yum?

Yeah, but is it yum?

Yeah, but is it YUM?

Yum or no yum?

If they're not yum they're going back.

I need a drink.

I want potato chips.

I still have that tube sock ashtray.

Amazing Cheetah Girl is so coked out.

I'm obsessed with her.

Should I kiss her at midnight?

Because I'm not kissing you.

Because you don't have chapstick.

And I hate you.

Slash love you.

I hope next year doesn't suck.

'Cause like, this year totally sucked.

But whatever.

I try to keep a positive outlook.

Holly Writes to Kevin Jonas

Dear Kevy Kev,

This is Holly, your biggest 9-year-old fan...or at least, I was.

Kev, loving you has not been easy. You're not the cutest of your brothers, nor the most talented, and yet, I chose you to love.

Do you think that was easy for me, Kev? Do you think I wasn't ridiculed at school by other children who then went missing for a few days and returned missing teeth and patches of hair? Because I was, Kev--I was mocked for my love.

But I bore that mockery, because I knew that the trials and tribulations of discovering and caring for a diamond in the rough such as yourself would mean greater reward when we were finally married out in my backyard in June, and my friend Katrina wouldn't be invited because she likes "real" rock 'n roll, so she can just sit in her bedroom and listen to Steely Dan like a smelly person because that's what she is and--

I digress.

I had faith in you, Kevvy, and you shattered that faith.

You got married.

How could you? How could you do this to me? What were you thinking? Does she even own a toothbrush with your face on it? Because if she doesn't, I really don't see how you can trust her.

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I've been listening to "Burnin' Up" all day and crying hysterically. My mother tried to comfort me, but she stopped once I asked her what she knew of real love and threw my tea set at her.

Now is not the time for consolation, now is the time for action.

I demand that you annul this sham of a marriage. Save yourself and your career! I went on Wikipedia and made a chart, which you'll find attached to the letter.

Apparently, a long time ago, there lived a man named Donny Osmond, who was as popular as you are, then he got married. Notice his record sales pre- and post- nuptials.

Pretty scary, huh?

I suggest you reconsider this decision, KeJo. If for none of the other reasons I've mentioned, then to save the life of your biggest fan.

No, I'm not planning on jumping off the back of the slide at recess, but I also don't plan on leaving this bedroom until you're single again, and what kind of life is that? What do you expect me to do? Just transfer my love to Joe or Nick?

...Joe, maybe, but NICK?

No, no, and not going to happen.

I'd rather start listening to John Mayer...Actually, I'd rather jump off the back of the slide.

So, please, Kevo, take my advice. It'll be better for you and the little harlot you think you love. After all, though I'm young, I have lots and lots of pen pals--some of whom I'm sure live within reach of you, and I'd hate to see something awful happen to that tra--I mean, girl.

Something like what happened to Natalie Moss when she took my pencil during a multiplication lesson and wouldn't give it back...

...I can still hear her asking what the wrench was for...

Poor thing.

Well, I have to get back to scotch taping your poster back together. When I heard about your little misstep I took an exacto knife to it and turned it into an avante garde painting. Now that I know you'll be rectifying your mistake though, I think it can go back above my bed.

Just don't make me angry again.

K?

Love You, KJ Superstar!
Holly XXX

Play Always On My Mind

Dean, hit the jukebox
Hit the jukebox, not the booze
And maybe I'll dance with you
And maybe I won't

But you'll have a better shot
If you play 'Always On My Mind'

Can't seem to sit still
When that song plays

I hear Willie Nelson
And I just want to have a man
Wrap his arms around me
And press his breath
Against my ear

No Dean, I'm not going home with you
One night when you're sober I might
But you're already calling me two different names
And you're wearing your cap backwards
And that's how I know I'm going home alone

Don't know why a man can't love me
More than he loves his vices
But I guess that's just my cross to bear

Still, I don't see nothing wrong with a dance
Oh, I know you're going to step on my toes
And you're going to smell like beer
And you're going to grab a little too hard

But I know you don't mean any harm
And I know you're just weak
And I know I should love a stronger man
But when you dance with me
I feel the weight of you
Resting on my shoulders
And I don't mind it
I really don't mind it at all

So go on, Dean
G7--Good Old Mr. Nelson
I'll even loan you the nickel
Although I guess I can't call it a loan

Just pop it in the jukebox
And come dance with your girl

Yeah, tonight I'm your girl
Until they close this place down
Then I'm just me again
Just going home alone

But if you play 'Always On My Mind'
For that one dance
I'll be your girl
And you can be my guy

And we'll be good together
Until that nickel's spent

She's Got a Boy For Every Show

She's got a boy for every show

When she did Hamlet
She dated Claudius
And Polonius
And Laertes
Which is sick
Because she was playing Ophelia

So basically, the bitch was dating her brother
And her father
But ironically
She wasn't dating Hamlet
Because Hamlet was dating the Gravedigger

When she did Tartuffe
She dated Tartuffe
Then said he was fake
Which was like--

Well, yeah, he's Tartuffe

When she did Oedipus
She dated Tiresias
Then broke it off
Because she couldn't see a future with him

When she did Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
She dated Brick
But called it quits
When he wanted to wear her costume
To the cast party

When she did A Chorus Line
She dated the director
The real director
Not the director in the show

When she did Barefoot in the Park
She hated the guy playing Paul
So she wound up with the lighting designer

She's got a boy for every show
I'm a little worried though

Because next month

She's directing Twelve Angry Men

He Loves You Now

He loves you now
Because you're crazy
Because you're sooo crazy
And he just loves it
He just eats that crazy up

But one day he's going to want a house
And maybe kids
And weekends that don't include
Getting wasted
And taking stupid photos
You can put on Facebook later
To show all your friends
How wild you are

And when he doesn't want that shit anymore
He's not going to want you anymore either
Because he's going to know
That what you are
You can't quit

And it won't matter how long you've been around
Or how long he's been pining for you

All that will matter
Is your reputation
As a crazy, good time
Go-to, fun fest

And you can't just take an eraser
And wipe that out

So you'll be done
Done

But your memories?

Well, you'll still have those
How much he loved you

Because, he does
He does love you

He loves you--

Now

Find Me on a Snowy Road

Find me on a snowy road
A back road, near a river
Where the ice creeps up
And steals the surface
Away from the rippling lines

The wishing stones
Get locked in place
And so the wishes stay 'till summer
Floating in place
Waiting to be granted
Or denied

And I wonder if you'll find me
Or if I'll stay trapped as well

Like a figure
In a snow globe
With the shredded paper
Swimming through water
Pretending to float

I blink and I'm in Boston
Next to buildings
Covered in snow
Lights shoveling through windows
To get through
To the street

I anticipate soup when I get home
Soup and old movies
And the image of a fireplace
Dancing in my head

I'll glance at the door
And imagine you coming through it
Shaking off the ice
Of an eight hour day
Shortened by a real snowstorm

Real snow storms
Come without notice

When you know a snow storm's coming
It's just an uninvited guest

Being unprepared
Is more than half the fun

So come run to me, here
Before I make it home
Because I'd like to make it home with you
And fall down at the doorstep
Brushing flakes from your lashes
And sending boots crashing into walls

I can fall into bed
While the world turns white
And watch your pink skin
Go right again
Underneath my touch

We'll collapse into a lost weekend
And wake up Monday morning
As if from a Shakespearian dream
Seeming to have become lovers for brief moments
Throughout a wintry Saturday night

We'll wonder how we made it two days
Without a single fight

But first you have to find me
Find me on a snowy road
Before I disappear
Into the glow

The Thalia Monologue

-- Leann and I were talking about muses, and look what happened... --

"The Thalia Monologue"

Could such a man dare try to make me laugh?
Does he not know that I am the muses of comedy?
That I, and I alone, dictate humor
To the artist?

And what does this virtuoso of mirth
This paramour of giggles
Attempt to tickle great Thalia with?

A banana peel

He has tried to provoke me
With a sight gag

So I have turned him into a monkey

He likes bananas so much
Let him adore them
Let him live off them
Let him worship them

For he certainly does not worship me
If he thought I'd crack up
Over a Laurel and Hardy routine
Such as that one

God, it is so tiring
Being merry

How often have I had to lean over
And whisper into an artist's ear--

'It would be funnier if her name was Penelope."

And sometimes they listen
And sometimes they don't

Lately, it's been all about sex
Mainly because I'm amorous

I can't help it
It's been eons

ACTUAL eons

Besides, sex is funny
Especially when mortals do it

All that bumbling and fumbling

The last time I made love
We created a new kind of dawn
And then made a river
In which to dip our toes

I told Calliope that story
And she stole it
And turned it into an epic poem
For one of her artists

She didn't even apologize either
She thinks because she's the muse of epic poetry
She's somehow above me

They all think that
Every one of them

Let them try to make Twelfth Night FUNNY
And then I shall allow them to judge me

Ah, but now I must retire
Tomorrow I shall turn the monkey
Back into a man
Which is really just a monkey
Without the common sense

He will have learned his lesson
And perhaps next time when he visits
He'll bring a bigger banana

When I Should Have Met the Boys

I. The First Boy

I should have met him when I was older
Kinder, rather
I was such an asshole when I was younger
I mean, I'm still an asshole
But I was an unapologetic asshole then
There was no making me feel bad
About being an asshole
Back then

I'm not saying I should have met him now
Because if I met him now
I'd like him
But I'd dismiss him
At least back then
Though I was an asshole
I spent more time on people
I invested more
I was willing to give more of myself

Now I do a flip check

Look
Listen
Ponder
Pass

And they're gone
And he'd be gone
In a heartbeat

Conservative leanings
Dark sense of humor
Overachiever

He'd be gone

But I bet I could have been better for him
If I had met him when I was older

II. The Second Boy

I should have met him earlier
When I was younger
When I wasn't looking for a husband
Just a boyfriend
Just someone to have fun with
Because he was fun
But when you wanted more than fun
You got yourself in trouble

I should have met him when I was more appreciative
I used to really appreciate things
Then I stopped
Then I started again
But there was a period of time
When I appreciated nothing
And that was when he met me

Any other time
And he'd have been fine

Well, not fine
Because he was crazy
But he was fun too
And he might have been a decent enough friend

If we hadn't met
When we did

III. The Third Boy

I should have met him now
Right now, like today
If I met him today
Everything would be perfect

Well, maybe not perfect

He worked too much
Sort of like the first guy
Only without the dramatics

He didn't get upset about work
He just worked, worked, worked
And I sat, sat, sat
And then I got bored
And back then when I got bored
I got bad--really fast

I did bad things
And rather than just say to him
'I'm bored'
I just did my own thing

I'm not really sure he's stopped working
I think he's still going strong
But he could have been another friend
I guess a lot of these guys could have been friends
If I hadn't ruined everything by dating them

IV. The Fourth Guy

I should have met him first
He would have been a perfect first
A perfect first everything

Not intimidating
Patient
Sweet

The sort of guy a seventeen-year-old
Dreams of dating

He probably would have set me on the right path
And I would have turned into a lovely, boring person
But a sweetheart

...Would I want to be a sweetheart?

Well, who knows?

Pointless to think about those things

V. The Fifth Guy

I should have met him later
Just later
Anytime later
Would have been fine

Anytime after when I actually met him
And I would have run for the hills
Within seconds

But somehow he caught me
At just the right moment
And everything seemed like a good idea
And silver linings lit up
Every sidewalk

And life was poetry

Funny how quickly
Poetry gets tiresome

You ever notice how hard it is
To read an entire book of poetry?

That was him
He was a poem I liked
So I bought the book
And I really, really
Didn't need the book

I should have stopped at the first poem
And life would have been darling
Just darling

VI. The Sixth Guy

I should have met him
Before the fifth guy

Then there might not have been a fifth guy
Or a sixth guy
Or any guy after that

But I met him when I did
And that's how I know God is cruel

If someone asked me to explain in one word
How I know God is kind
I would say: Fate

If someone asked me to explain in one word
How I know God is mean
I would say: Timing

VII. The Seventh Guy

It wasn't about when I met him
It was about when I lost him
It all happened in a moment

The choice was there

Fight or He's Gone

I didn't fight
Because I didn't want to fight
Because I wanted him
Without having to fight for him
Because I felt like
If I had to fight to get him
Then getting him wouldn't seem right

It wouldn't seem like--

(God is kind--)

Fate

So I didn't fight
And someone else came in
And without a fight
Took him away

Now?

Now I would fight
Now I would fight like hell

VIII. The Eighth Boy

If I met him now
I would have asked for the check
Before getting the appetizer

IX. The Ninth Boy

I really shouldn't have met him at all
There's only one way to deal
With a boy like him
And that's with a game

He was one big game

And when I met him
I didn't know how to play him
And if I met him now
I'd know, I'd know how to play
But that doesn't mean I should

It takes you years
To learn the rules
Of a guy like that

And once you know them
You're always faced with two choices

See if you can break through
Past the game, to the person
Or just play the game
And hope you win

And the problem with me
Is that I know the secret to life
And the secret to life is--

He who understands the rules best, wins the game.

And now I know his rules
So I'd win that game
But I'm not sure
You can call that winning

X. The Tenth Boy

I wish I had met him
Twenty years from now

In twenty years time
I might actually be a great guy
And then he might actually love me

In twenty years
I could be charming
And sophisticated
And rich
And famous
And desirable

And twenty-years-from-now him
Would fall, fall hard

. . . . .

Maybe it won't need to be twenty years
Maybe just ten, five
Maybe next year

Maybe next year
I'll be that someone

But not this year
This year
Just wasn't the right year

It Could Have Been a Year

It could have been a year already
And a good year too
It could have been our first Christmas
Our first New Year's Eve kiss
As a couple
And two months away
From our second Valentine's day

Isn't that funny?
It could have been a year

If I'd have been brave
It could have been fulfilling
These past twelve months
Almost having you
And losing you
And not being able
To say I needed you to stay

I could have fallen asleep next to you
And woken up with your arms around me
And prepared for the day
For every day
Knowing I'd be coming home to you

It could have been a better year
It could have been a giddier Halloween
It could have been a longer Fall
It could have been a shorter winter
I could have had a better birthday
I could have been a better person

It could have been a better year
If it had been a year with you

You don't get many years
And even though tomorrow
I could find you again
I could be bold and put my foot down
And say I want you
I want you back

We still can't have this year again
We'll never have this year

And it could have really been something
It could have been a damn good year

The Actors Getting Notes

-- I meant to write about this the first time Andrew and I discussed it, but I forgot until last night. --

"The Actors Getting Notes"

(Raises hand)

Umm...sommmmme people are not getting out of the way fast enough when other people were trying to move really quickly because some people have lead roles and lots of stuff to do whereas other people do not have lead roles and so they don't really need to be in the way of people who do have lead roles so could those people who don't have lead roles just try not to be in the way of other people who do...?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Excuse me, but I was wondering--Normally, I'm stage right during that song, but tonight I wound up being slightly more left--still stage right, but slightly left--was that okay? Did you mind that? Should I try not to wind up there? Okay, because I tried not to wind up there, but I did wind up there, and I wind up there again, so I was just making sure that was okay. Okay.

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Um, you told us all to be more enthusiastic during the finale, and I was trying to be more enthusiastic, and I was just wondering if you noticed that?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

So when I'm moving that box during Act One, Scene Two from almost-completely-offstage to offstage, do you want me to do that in character?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Ummm, so, soooome people seem to not know their parts for the beginning of Act Two, and they're singing right into the ears of other people who DO know their parts for the beginning of Act Two, which is really throwing off the people who know their parts, so could those people that don't REALLY LOOK OVER THEIR PARTS so that this doesn't happen?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

I was just wondering if you could sense my vulnerability during that scene where I'm behind everyone, because I'm worried that my vulnerability isn't coming through as much when all those people are in front of me. Is it?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

So, I know it's, like, four in the morning, but I feel like when I'm that first stock character in Act One, Scene One, I'm not as distinct in terms of my beats as I am in Act Two, Scene Three, and I feel like it's making my performance inconsistent. Would you agree or disagree with that?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Do you believe in God?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Ummm, sooo, soommme peeeople, whose initials may or may not be JE, middle initial V, are stepping to the left during the first part of the swing dance when they should be stepping to the right, and it's destroying the entire number and corrupting the artistic integrity of the show. Soo...Could people with the initials JE, middle initial V, not do that anymore?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

I decided that my character in Act Two, Scene Four, kills herself immediately after walking offstage. Thoughts?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

I'm really worried that I don't have enough time to put on my bow tie between Act One and Act Two. I know we have intermission, but I'm just concerned that I'm going to hit my head on something, pass out, wake up right before places are called for Act Two, and then not have my bow tie on. Could we figure out what to do about that?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Do you hate me? Because I feel like you hate me.

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Ummm, sooooooooo, soommmmmme peeeeeeople are clearly special needs, and cannot figure out that they shouldn't be getting as many laughs as they're getting when they do their lines because they're not LEADS whereas some of us are LEADS and so SOME OF US should be pulling back so as not to OVERSHADOW the people who are SUPPOSED to be...um...shadowed. Sooooo, could certain, stupid, untalented, scene-stealing hams try NOT to be who they are so as not to wind up with their throats cut backstage? Thanks.

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Do you think my character's mother made her compete in beauty pageants even though she really didn't want to and one time, at a pageant, an older gentlemen told her she looked like Krissy Kerson and she didn't know who that was, and when she finally thought of it the other day, she looked it up, and Krissy Kerson was murdered by her older uncle, and they never found him, and that was probably him, and now she's having nightmares about being dressed up in her old pageant outfit, poisoned, and thrown in a lake...or something?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Should I be keeping my eyes open without blinking for all of Act One or just part of it? At what point should I blink?

. . . . .

(Raises hand)

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, soooooooooooo, soooooooooooooome peeeeeeeeeeeeeople should probably not have gotten in this show.

...Just a thought.

If You're Not Home for Christmas

If you're not home for Christmas
The snow will melt
The decorations will fade
The lights will not be bright
There will be Christmas
But it will be a solemn Christmas

At your place at the dinner table
There will be a photo of you
And we will talk to it
As if it is really you
When really it isn't
And we know it isn't
And it won't touch the ham we put in front of it

And we all think--What a bitch

If you're not home for Christmas
There will be no Christmas music
There will be no holiday movies
There will be no eggnog

And children will weep
And dogs will weep
And overall there will just be
Quite a bit of weeping

It'll be very dramatic
And not in a good way

And it won't be fun
And we won't be full of mirth
And there won't be dancing ladies
Or milking maids or partridges
That play the drums and leap everywhere

The presents will be returned
And exchanged for practical things

Karaoke machines for spatulas
Cappuccino makers for encyclopedias
Party games for polo sweaters

(Okay, maybe we kept the polo sweaters)

Trees will be taken down IMMEDIATELY
And taken away by the garbage collectors
The very next day

Christmas will end the second it is over
And not linger at all
As it sometimes likes to do

The children will be sent back to school
Far sooner than they should be
And New Year's Eve and New Year's Day
Will be disregarded
As minor holidays
Always overshadowed
By a big day that has now become gloomy
And sad

If you're not home for Christmas
Even Cindy Loo Who won't be able
To expand our aortas

Nor will George Bailey
Or Rudolph
Or the leg lamp
Or Grandma
Or the reindeer that ran over Grandma
Or the chipmunks
Or that donkey
Or Charlie Brown

We'll just be sad
It'll all be sad
All sad

A sad, sad Christmas

All because you can't be home
And without you there is no home
And without you there can be Christmas
But it won't be much of a Christmas
At all

. . . . .

But I suppose...

We'll try
We'll try to have Christmas
A nice Christmas

Knowing that though you may not be home

You're safe
You're healthy
You're a phone call
You're an e-mail
You're a plane ride

Away

Knowing that we're lucky
That we have you
In whatever way we have you
And that even if you're not here
You're still kind of here

You're always kind of here

But just know
That if you're not home for Christmas
There's a whole lot of people
Who think Christmas means family
And love
And support
And friendship
And joy

And so, to many people
You're Christmas

And we'll have Christmas
Just to have you
If even for a day
If only in our dreams

Crazy Little Things

I'm so glad you're happy
I'm so glad you're not desperately dating
Going out every night
In the hopes of trying to find someone else
Before I do

Because that would be unhealthy
Only a crazy person would do that

You're NOT doing that, are you?

Are you?

Because if you were
I'd understand
I mean, it'd be crazy
But I'd totally understand

...If you were doing that

Or, let's say, if you were checking my profile everyday
Or asking our mutual friends about me
Or driving by my work to see if I had called out sick
Just so I could stay home with my new lover
Who's probably that cable repairman that you were--

--I was--flirting with a month ago

I mean, if you were doing those things
I would totally understand why
And I wouldn't judge you at all
Not at all, not even a little
And I might even think it was sweet
And I might want to get back together with you
And finally move in together
And never leave me--you--me--again

So...anything you want to talk about?

No?

Okay, well...

I'm so glad you're happy
I'm glad somebody is

But I'm Not Going to Cry

I'm going to take showers
Lots of showers
Cleansing, soulful showers
Where I will not sing
Where I will abandon dirt
And try not to think
But will inevitably think
Think about you
And him
And him with you
And you two...

Together

But I will not cry
But I'm not going to cry

And I'll be clean
I'll be clean and fresh
All the time

And that will be a plus
In this giant minus sign
Of a situation

I will delete you from my life
I will rip up letters...

Well, you never wrote letters
We live in the digital age, after all
But I will delete e-mails

I will get rid of everything that reminds--
Or just things that I directly associate--
Or maybe I'll just--

Okay, that's not going to work
But I'm not going to cry

I'm going to join the Peace Corps
I'm going to build small huts
For underprivileged children
In third world countries

Because maybe doing something
That insane
Will put YOU into perspective
Maybe it will put the entire SITUATION
Into perspective

Maybe almost getting killed
By a rogue gang of Kenyan freedom fighters
Will make me think of something
Other than you

Who knows?

Really, though
Who knows?

I don't know
I don't know anything
I just know
That I'm not going to cry

Because I can't cry
Because I have no tears
Because my body is dry
Because it's dehydrated
Beacause I miss you so much
The missing has soaked up
Every ounce of liquid
Inside of me

I haven't peed in months

I love you
And your love
Has turned me
Into a desert

And yes, the desert
Does in fact
Miss the rain

So I can't cry
But even if I could
I wouldn't

Because that's all I can do
Is not cry

That would be the only task
I'd be able to accomplish
At this point

Not Crying

That would be the only part of me
I'd be able to shield from all of this
The patches of my face
Directly between my eyes

I will keep those patches dry!
Because that must be my victory!

And I can take showers
And I can delete e-mails
And I can stop saying your name
To hear the sound of it
Because I don't have an actual reason
To say it anymore

There are so many parts of me
That I don't have control over

I can't stop myself from regretting
I can't stop remembering
I can't stop wishing I'd done things differently
I can't stop eating junk food
I can't stop writing bad poetry
I can't stop denying all the things I'm denying
I can't stop hoping
I can't stop holding onto too much
I can't stop talking about it
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't

I...

But I'm not going to cry

That I can do

I can keep myself in this place
Where I don't cry
And I don't want to cry
And I don't need to cry

And from there
I'll figure out
Where else to go

Went Fishing for Boys And Got Caught with a Man

I was looking for a smile
And a nice pair of arms
Maybe some charms
Along with a disarming way
To make me do what he says

I was looking Friday night love affair
Two glasses of wine to share and send home
Alone for the rest of the weekend

And when he came along
He wasn't part of the plan
Went fishing for boys
And got caught with a man

I didn't need someone to hold me
Or unfold all my layers
Or fall into traps
That I knew all too well
Spell my name in the sand
With a piece of beach drift
And shift my perception
Or detect my deceptions
When I say that I'm busy
And I'm really just bored

Didn't want to store up
All my problems to unleash them
And try to please someone
Who wanted more than fun
From someone like me

When he came along
All I wanted was a tan
Went fishing for boys
And got caught with a man

Now he won't go away
And he won't listen to 'No'
And no matter what I say
He says he's sticking around

And I'm picking my battles
But I've lost the war
The chores are all done
And the fun's given way
To some stuff I didn't demand

Didn't catch any boys
But I caught a good man

Your Husband's Shoes

I still have your husband's shoes
Sitting underneath my bed
Waiting for someone
To pick them up

I still have his thirty-seven cents
Sitting on my dresser
A quarter, a dime, and two pennies
The pennies are for two thoughts
One for you, one for me

He always had change
But he never had sense

Ha Ha

A little joke

I still have your husband's cologne
Soaking in my pillowcases
Lifting up into my dreams
When I'm trying to sleep

I still have his favorite shampoo
On the rack in my shower
And sometimes I pour it into my palms
And wash my face with it
Because, just because

I still make his brand of coffee
It's in my coffeemaker
And the first thing I think every morning is--

He's back
He's really back

I still have a photo of us
At my parent's anniversary
Before I knew...

...Before I knew about you

I still have his baseball cards
The ones you made him throw out
Because there wasn't room in the garage

I had room for them
I had plenty of room
For everything he needed
I had all the room you didn't have

I'm sorry

That's not fair

I'm being mean
Because mean is all I have
You had him
You'll have him, always
And I just have bitterness
And some change
And his shoes

But they're really nice shoes
And you can't throw out a quarter
The two pennies, maybe
But not a quarter

My Depression-era Grandmother
Would kill me for that

But I'll run out of the shampoo one day
And the pillows will lose his scent
And I promised not to buy
Any more of his coffee

It would be one thing if I drank coffee, but...

I don't

So it's just silly

So yes, I'm sorry that he left
But no, I don't know where he is
However, I'm fairly confident
He's not coming back here either

So if you were hoping you'd come here
And raise hell
And get him back
I apologize

I can't give you him
But if you want his shoes

You can have them

Go Run Yourself Into the Night

Go past the lights
On Stockton Ave
See if you can outrun
The headlights
Coming up the hill

Go past the shutdown buildings
And see if you can shut down
Your body so you won't feel the pain
Of the morning gaining on your treads
And head to the beach

Or at least see if you can reach Noko
Where you can see the waves
And go brave by eating Keating's tacos
At the bold hour of 9am

Until then stay on Stockton
And I'll have people join you on your run
Gun around the town
Pouring out of closing clubs
And rubbing waists with you
To taste the sweat
You bet you wouldn't have
So soon, so soon, so soon

Zooming through the Martin tunnel
Tunneling past the last statue
That hasn't been defaced
Of whatever old dead guy
Founded this town

Grab hands and band together
So you can stand tall
When you finally fall
On the sands near the beach
If you reach there in time

It's a private beach
And once the gates open
The doors close
And you're not close enough
And the sun's coming up
And you need to run harder
Run faster
Outlast the passing night

There's safety in numbers
And the right number of people
Can keep the stars up
And the moon out
And about the time
The night gets tired
It'll fire itself up again
To befriend this ragtag group
Swooping through empty intersections
Without the protection
Of wisdom or wealth

Use your stealth to outlast your past
And forget your rights
And forget the fights
You had before you jumped off the front porch

Don't let the sun torch your ideals
Keep your eyes peeled
On the not-so-distant ocean

And motion to your group
To your friends
To your survivors
That you might just make it there

You might just make it there
You just might

So go ahead, kid
Go run yourself
Into the night

Red Glove Berry Love

I've got her red glove
Wrapped around my wrist
Like it's a bracelet

Letting me into everywhere
Letting me wave to a taxi cab
Going to get my strawberries
So I can make her pie

She's got my smiley face sticker
On the back of her bike
And she says that I'm the cutest
Of all the guys she's liked

I don't want to tell her
But I miss her when she's gone
And she doesn't want to say it
But she wants me to move in

And I'm scared the pie will turn out wrong
And I'm scared to shake hands
While I'm wearing her red glove
And I kinda like how we are now
With our red glove berry love

We could mess it up
If we complicate it
And dedicate ourselves
To each other
And thereby
To messing it up

I don't need her dedication
I just need her on my couch
With her feet up
Watching me mess up
Her strawberry pie

And I'll keep her red glove on
And she can keep the other
And that'll be band

This red glove berry love

That's all I need from her
That's all she needs from me
This kinda love
That only we have

Bright red like a Michigan dawn
Like her lipstick
Like my sneakers
Like the pie

All she's gotta give me
Is red glove berry love

We're Not Gonna Wonder When They're Gonna Call

We stay up until four
Watching old French films
On old tv's
That we kept from our exes
When the post-break-up sex
Stopped happening

We eat cheetos and dip 'em
In ranch dressing
And we're messing around
With the rabbit ears
Trying to get the set clear
So we can see Jules and Jim
And trim down the static

We're automatically proud of ourselves
For not going out tonight
When right at five
The phone's came alive
Striving to drive us
To bars where our cars have been broken into
Many, many times

But instead we stay here
And drink bad beer and pray
That our phones will ring
The ring that brings us back
To the exes whose sex
Is not forthcoming

We're drumming on our laps
Clapping to hit the lights
So the bright glare of the black and white
Can right click on us
And bring up our past

We're mastering plastering our hearts with glass
And seeing if we can keep them from developing cracks
Attacking them with hammers
When we think they've been tainted
And painted them blue
To do away with red
Indicating life
Indicating health
Indicating mental health

We're not gonna wonder
When they're gonna call

We're not gonna hope for it
Or keep the phone
In a place where it receives
Perfect service

We're not gonna check their status
To make sure they're doing something
That wouldn't involve
Turning off their phone

We're not gonna text them--'I miss you'
But we write it out several times
And check their name in our phones
And then close the phones
But leave the text in the 'Draft' file

We'll do all that
But we're not gonna wonder

We're not gonna wonder
When they're gonna call

All the Dates I'd Take You On

I'd take you to an Italian restaurant
Where we'd be asked to leave
Because we're not dressed properly
And so we'd go behind the restaurant
Into the alley
Where we'd eat spaghetti
And I'd push a meatball towards you
Using only nose
And three funny chefs
Will sing a song to us
About the night and the moon

I'd take you to a private beach
Where we would fall down on the sand
And the waves would crash around us
Making our lips taste like salt
And our kisses like sugar
And our bodies twist up
Along with the ocean
And we recede back into the water
Like mermaids before the dawn

I'd take you ballroom dancing
In an all-blue ballroom
Where the stars come down on us
From a glass ceiling
And guests at an exclusive party
Whisper and converse
Wondering who we are
And how we got in
And if we know each other
Or if we're just strangers in love

I'd take you to the palace
I don't know where there's a palace
But I'll find one
And I'll take you there
And I'll make you royalty
Baby, I'll put you on a throne
And let you rule this never punctual kingdom
Where nobody is ever on time
You'll buy everyone clocks
And all will be right

I'll take you to meet my parents
I'll take you to see the falls
I'll take you to a movie
I'll take you to a carnival
I'll take you home

I'd take you to the theater
And we can be theater people
And applaud politely
And know the actors
And know the lines
And think about
When we played those parts

We can be all those happy people
And play dress up
And dress ourselves down
And climb into bed
And hold the morning
Between us

I'd take you anywhere, babe
Just say the word
And we'll go

Santa is Real

Yes, Little Mo
Santa is real

He was born in the Amazon jungle
Where he was raised by three-toed sloths
And taught the age-old fighting technique

Bahra-Deshmina

Which is where you kill people
By laughing and pointing at them

The technique is now taught in junior high
But at the time Santa was born
It was only known to the Amazonian sloths

When Santa was ten
He was sent out into the world
To make his fortune

He wound up in a brothel
Outside Mexico City
Where he became the cashier
And the ladies of the house
Called him their little jolly man

That's how that whole jolly adjective
Got hooked onto him

When he turned fifteen
He ran away with one of the ladies
And got married in a secret ceremony
Just as dawn was breaking
Over the city of Paris

Unfortunately, Rosalinda
That was the name of his wife
Was killed by mobsters
When Santa opened up a hooch hall
In Chicago during the prohibition

That's a long story

So anyway, Santa leaves Chicago
And goes to Ontario
Where he dabbles in sculpting

He even has a show at this gallery
But he finds that artistically he still feels stifled
So he starts making toys
And finds that he really enjoys it

At the time, Ontario had a very high dwarf population
And most of them were Irish dwarfs
And that's how Santa got all his elves

Though he thought he would never get over losing his wife
He soon found comfort in the home of his future wife, Mrs. Clause

She was married to a farmer in the Midwest
And Santa had to kill the man
And make it look like a tractor accident
But it was worth it
Because he and Mrs. Clause have been together ever since

At that point, there was a hit out on Santa's life
From both the Chicago mobsters
And the Nicaraguan drug dealers
Who Santa got into a thing with
Because he tried taking over Bolivia
When he needed some spare cash--

It's a long story

Anyway he had to go to the North Pole
Because the South Pole was not an option
Because penguins freak him out
Because a penguin ate his mother

So you see, Little Mo?

There is a Santa Clause
And he's been off the pipe
For a good seven years now
And he goes to meetings

There
Don't you feel better now?

Mirror Kisses

It can snow all day
Because I want to stay in
I want to play Scrabble
I want to watch movies
I want to tickle you
Until you make that balloon face
Until you get all red
And fall off the bed
Taking me with you

And I'll go with you
I'll fall right down there with you
Right onto the bedroom carpet

We can roll underneath the bed
And around the dresser
And stand up in front of the mirror
And kiss each other with our eyes open
Me looking at me kissing you
And you looking at you kissing me
And sideways
So that we're a wall of each other
And kissing
And insanity
And snow coming down
From the window outside

I'll stay in and make pot roast for you
Because I know you like it
But I'll wait until you're in the shower
And I'll tell you that I'm making french toast
Which I know you don't really like
So that when you're out of the shower
You'll smell pot roast
And know I was teasing you
And you'll take off your towel
And swat me with it
And I'll chase you back into the bedroom
And get you on the bed
And tickle you to balloon face
And we'll fall off the bed
And start all over again
With the mirror kisses
And the snow

I'll fix all the lamps
Change the light bulbs
Clean the hall closet out

I'll put on the giant trench coat
That came with the apartment
And walk around quoting The Thin Man
And take your hands
Claiming I need to fingerprint you

I'll press your fingertips
Against my chest
Against my cheek
Against my lips

Fingertips on lips
And you'll smile
The smile the spreads
Across your face
Like milk across a kitchen floor

And the same way you wonder
How so little milk can go so far
I'll wonder how so much happiness
Can creep across one face
And spread out into me
And my face
And onto my lips
Underneath your fingertips

I'll read every book in the bookcase out loud to you
Rolling my 'r's and hitting hard 't's
And then put opera on the stereo
And sing with a Norse helmet on
That I have from last Halloween

Making you laugh
Is like sugared strawberries
In a bright pink bowl

It's silly and sexy
And I like it in summer
But here in a snowed in apartment
It reminds me of July
And it is cooling
And yet warming
And, of course, welcome

I hope we get trapped here for weeks
So I can go through you like a dictionary
Looking for a word I can't remember
And stumbling over beautiful syllables
All the way to 'Z'

And every time I find a word I don't know
I'll tickle you to get the definition of it
Out of you

Because you know all the words
You know what everything means
You give the best example sentences
Of anyone I've ever met

And I can give you mirror kisses
Reflecting reflections
Off the mirror surface
And the white snow
And your eyes
And my hands
On your body
And a room that never ends
Matching a room that never ends

And two people in love
Turning into four people
And more people

And somewhere
Just outside
There's snow

If You Don't Love the Man, Then the Dress Won't Fit

Let me explain something to you.

If you don't love the man
Then the dress won't fit

I've been making wedding dresses
For awhile now
And what I can confidently say
Is that you if you don't love
The man you're going to marry
You are not getting yourself in that dress

I have squeezed
And yanked
And zipped up
Woman after woman
Time after time
June after rainy, miserable June

And I send them down that aisle
Looking like a white-wrapped sausage
With a train and a veil

Then two months later
I hear that things didn't work out

I could have told them that
I should have, maybe
But I never do

Because it's not my place
I just make the dress
Then I shove them into it
And pray they don't pass out
From asphyxiation
During the ceremony

I know what you're thinking

You're thinking
A dress fits or doesn't fit
Based on how much the bride
Weighs or doesn't weigh

You're thinking maybe the brides who didn't fit
Gained too much weight beforehand
Or lost too much weight
Or were stressed out
So they ate more

Or something like that

But that's not true

You want to know why?

Because a bride who loves the man
Who has no doubt in her mind
That she is marrying the man she loves
Will slip into that dress
With no problem at all

Because she's not worried about the dress
She's not worried about the flowers
She's not worried about the flower girl
Who won't stop picking her nose
Even when photos are being taken

All she's thinking about
Is the man she's going to marry

Putting a wedding dress on a woman in love
It's like pulling off a band-aid

They barely even feel it

So, ladies
Trust me on this
Marry a man you love

Otherwise, you're going to need
A lot more zippers

Just Make Me Soup

I know you love me
I know you do
I've heard you say it
Time after time

But right now
I'm really not in need of love
I just need soup

So can you make me soup?
Can you do that?

The poetry is lovely
The romantic gestures are lovely
The skywriting was a bit much
But it still lovely

But at the moment
I'm coughing up things
That would make an old priest
Run for the hills

I'm feverish
I'm moody
I'm aching
I'm going more than a little insane

And I appreciate that comfort
Really isn't your strong suit
I realize that a big part of you
Just wanted to chase and catch me

Well you caught me
And I caught a cold
And I need soup

So please

Please
Please

Just make me soup

From now on
Love is no longer poetry
Or cinematic lovemaking
Or elephant rides in Africa
While the sun sets behind us

From now on
Love is soup when I feel sick
And soup from me when you feel sick
And spaghetti on Tuesday nights
And dinner at my Mom's house on Sundays

That, from now on, is love

It's not exciting
It's not riveting
But trust me
It is love

So please, love of all loves
If you really want to love me
Just make me soup

Daniel Donovan Informs His Wife That She Did Not Receive a Good Review

Hey sweetheart!

Amazing job in the show tonight
You were spectacular
As always

Now, the reviews came out today
As you...
Might be aware of

And they were...

Very...

Wordy

There were a lot of words
And some of the words were...
Very...

Adjectives

They were adjectives

Some verbs

Mostly adjectives

For one thing
They thought that--

Well...

They loved the show!

So that's great, isn't it?

Overall
They felt the show was very strong
Despite certain...

...Performances...

You?

Oh, right you
You want to hear about you
Of course
That makes sense

Well...

Let's see...

They heard everything you said
So that's great, isn't it?
You must have projected very well

That Carol onstage with you
God, sometimes I can barely--

Right, well...

You know what they sort of liked?

That scene with you and Adam

They said--

Well, they said they didn't...hate that

Not a lot, anyway

And that's good--isn't it?

Um...

They also liked...

Well, they said that you were very enthusiastic
They said you were full of energy
They might not have used those words
But that's what they meant

The exact words?

Uh...something to the effect of...

'Careening about the stage
Like a cat on fire'

Careening! Isn't that a lovely word?
Such force behind--

Oh, sweetheart
Come out of the bathroom!

It's not all that bad!

Believe me, darling
This critic practically adored you
Compared to the other reviews!

Love Among the Covered Wagons

So the wolves ate most of us
Which was...

A disappointment

It was a particularly wolf-heavy summer
And we were all pretty weak
Because the winter had been long
And we were all trying to survive
On cornmeal and potatoes
And it just wasn't working out

The new territory was a cruel place back then
And it wasn't uncommon
To watch at least three of your twelve children
Disappear into prairie dog holes
And never find their way out

You learn to live with those sorts of things

So the summer of the wolves
Was when I met Tobias

He was...

He was a harvest
That's all I can say
He brought so much
It was like blessings
From the ground

He appeared on a horse one day
Never asked him where he got the horse
But it was a nice horse

Within minutes, I was taken by him

Something about watching a man
Shear a sheep and fix a wagon wheel
In under an hour
Can't help but stir a woman

We had a good summer that year
Despite the wolf murders
And the Indian raids
And the fever outbreak
And the devil taking over poor Nettie

It was hard to love
In those conditions
But we managed it

Sometimes hardship is good for love
It reminds you to hang on tighter
It teaches you to love deeper
And harder
And fight

I hear you people don't live long nowadays
Not as long as we lived

I didn't even make it to forty-four
But I did make it count

Tobias got killed in a stampede
Two years after the summer of the wolves
And when he died I just remember feeling
That he had all my love with him when he went
And that was how I kept going

There wasn't any love in me
He didn't get

Well, if you'll excuse me
I got to be going now

I believe I hear a horse outside
And it's harvest time again

If You're Not on the Cast List

If you're not on the cast list
It's political
It's the director's vision
It's your talent
It's your bad attitude
It's your reputation
It's your life, vanished
It's a mistake
It's an error
It's just wrong

If you're not on the list

If you're not up there
Then the others who are
Slept with the director
Babysat for their kids
They're their nephews
Nieces, siblings, distant cousins

If you're not up there
Then the people who are
Are not as talented as you
And should not be up there
And how did this happen?
And should someone be fired

I think someone should be fired

Fired, yes

If you're not on the cast list
Then you might as well kill yourself
Because the opinion of one person
Or two people, or more
Determines your value as an artist

Because those people couldn't possibly be wrong
Or bitter
Or jealous
Or unintelligent
Or narrow-minded
Or wrong, just plain wrong

Because they make the list
They're in charge of the list
And if you're not on the list, they're wrong
And if you're on the list, they're brilliant

If you're not on the cast list
Then you're back at the school yard
And you're nine
And nobody wants to play with you
And it sucks
But you grow up
And you make your own playground
And you swing on your own swings
And it feels better because they're yours
They're not swings somebody else gave to you

Does that make sense?

Maybe not

But if you're not on the cast list
Then you're not on the list
And there will be more lists
And one day you might make the lists
Or you might not

But just remember
It's just a list
It's just paper
And names
And one day the paper
Like the show
Will be gone

And there will be another list in its place
And your name might be on it
And your name might not be on it
But the only thing you can do

Is look
Look away
And move on

Mozie Freelander Lies About an Allman Brothers Love Triangle

Duane was who I should have chosen
He loved me more
That was easy to see
But Gregg...

Well, with Gregg
There was...

The passion

He used to fly me to secret exotic spots
Around the country

Toledo
Topeka
Boise

Gregg showed me the world

But I wanted more than the world
And that's how I wound up back with Duane

Duane used to play slide guitar
Then bury his face 'tween my lovelies
And every time we'd nearly fall
Right off the picnic table

Yup, Duane loved a good picnic

That was when Gregg came back in the picture
Saying--

'Mozie Freelander, you're marrying me
And if I have to kill my brother to make it happen
Then so be it'

So the two of them had a duel
But luckily both of them were so drunk
They forgot to load the guns

Duane was so out of it
He started yelling 'Bang! Bang!'
And Gregg just peed himself
And fell down into a pile
Of sadness

That was when I left the two of them
And never looked back

Never let it be said
That Mozie Freelander
Destroyed a family

I'll you something though...

I do miss those picnics

The Sweet Abandon

Toss up my hands
Hair in the air
Like a wind-swept victim
Of a joyful streak

Massacre
In the sweet abandon

All my guards
Were caught off-guard
All my satisfactions
Became bad habits
When you came around

Gotta get my roller coaster life
Back on track
And stack the odds
Against you

Because you'll trick me into love
And I wanna get tricked
And I wanna get picked
To ride alongside you
The whole way through

I wanna fly off the handle
And fly to the moon
Come back soon before you slip away
In a blue prom dress
From yesterday

I want to waste my time
In the sweet abandon

Can't I fall off of your balcony
To see if I can land
In the hands of a fate
That came late to me
But which got here all the same

I want to taste abandon
I want to state my case
I want to condemn myself
To be your sentence

Let me waste my time
Please let me waste my time
Here inside
The sweet abandon

When the Summer Loved the Winter

When the Summer loved the Winter
He wouldn't leave in September
Like he was supposed to
And the Autumn became irritated
And banished the Summer
To an island in the Pacific

There he wrote poems to the Winter
To try and cheer her
For she seemed to be such a dreary season
Not like the Spring
Which he used to love
But who was always leaving him
Before he could even arrive

He sat on a hammock
And watched the ocean
Played with small children
And ate cantaloupe everyday

But still he thought of the Winter
And how cool her fingers felt
Touching upon his neck

They had met on a night in February
When the Summer had gotten lost
On his way to Africa

There they danced on a frozen pond
And when he melted the water
They slipped underneath it
And made love amongst the reeds
And the sound of stones
Being skipped across the surface
By a girl and a boy
On their very first date

When the Summer awoke
The Winter was gone
But she left four fingerprints
Blue and faded
Firmly on his neck

So he searched for her
But though he could find her actions
He could not find her identity

Her trails would circle around
And embrace themselves
And Autumn told him to give up
Saying that the Winter was elusive
That she was not like the Summer
Which could be lived in

She was something one must survive

There was no way to love
Something like her

But he did not listen to Autumn
And he did not worry about Spring
And when it was his time to arrive
And warm the sand
With his toes

He felt he could not do it properly
Because he was so distraught
Having spent months looking for the Winter
And to no avail

So it rained all those months
When it was supposed to be dry
And nobody went on vacation
And nobody went outside
And everyone wondered
What had happened to the Summer

By the time the Autumn came
She found that everyone
Was angry at her
For coming before they had received
A proper share of warmth and sunlight

But when the Summer offered to stay longer
The Autumn grew angry
That he should be so lazy
And then so selfish
To take time away from her
That she exiled him away
And that was how he wound up
Laying in a hammock on an island
In the Pacific

But one night...

One night when he was asleep
He felt a cool breeze dance by him
And he awoke to find the Winter
Resting lightly on his chest

When he asked how she was able to be here
Here where it was always too hot for the Winter
And only satisfying to a season like him
She said to him--

'A love like yours cannot unmake the Winter
It cannot make the Winter warm
But it can make the unbearable bearable
It can take a world of ice
And grant it just enough light
So that it is a cool breeze
Coming off the ocean'

And she stayed there softly on his chest
Until the summer sun came out onto the ocean
And declared that today
Would be a different sort of day

Super Blazer Lemon Love

We have super blazer lemon love
We have three lemons
Stacked next to an empty pitcher
Of ice cold lemonade
On a hot July day

We have superhero Halloween costumes
Thrown on the floor
In front of our makeshift camp tent
Constructed in our attic
After returning from parties
Thrown by our friends

She is Destructo Girl
And I am Karate Man

We live in a fortress
Made of old moving boxes
And my mother's wedding dress

I wear a blazer to her house
When I ask her Dad
For her hand in marriage
And I tell him that once I am out of kindergarten
I plan on becoming a zookeeper, baker, and movie star

He tells me that with such a lofty future ahead of me
He cannot refuse my offer
To take his daughter's hand in marriage

But, he asks--

With so many occupations
How will I have time
For my wife, his daughter?

And I tell him that we own our own zoo
And that next to the elephants
There will be a bakery
Where I will bake
And I'll do movies only on Thursdays
Which is when my wife will take naps

He tells me I have it all figured out
And allows me to proceed into the house
Where my wife is making lemonade with her mother

In less than an hour
A wedding is constructed
Much like the attic tent
In the backyard
Of my in-laws' house

It is a simple ceremony
For we are simple people
With a simple love

It is not a hard love
And it does not make us cry
Like the love we see
On the television

It is the best love ever
Because it is super blazer lemon love

And it will last forever

The Alton Brown Monologue

-- I don't like Alton Brown. I can't imagine anyone actually liking Alton Brown, but rather than write a rant about it, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for me to show people just how bitchy I can be when I don't like someone. With that, I give you... --

"The Alton Brown Monologue"

So I killed this nun
Which...

I mean, I'm making turkey
Which is difficult
And I found myself getting frustrated
So I went out and killed a nun

Now, normally
When I'm frustrated
I just sodomize a stuffed animal
Dressed up to look like a boy scout

This prevents me
From actually sodomizing a boy scout
Because, you know
Who needs the bad publicity

Anyone, do you want my potato salad recipe?
I have it hear somewhere

Ooohhh there it is!

Right behind the vibrator
Could have bitten me

(You have to get the deluxe model if you want that extra feature!)

Where was I?

Oh, the turkey

God, can you just relax with the f**king turkey?
I should go to your house and stab your cat
You're so f**king annoying

Do you know who I am?

I HOST IRON CHEF...AMERICA!

You know
The version nobody likes
No matter how many times we put Bobby Flay on it

(Sidenote from Kevin: I hate Bobby Flay too. Food Network should just be renamed Douchebags with Gravy Boats

Now, back to Alton.)

So me and Mario Batali are jerking it
And he goes for the maple syrup

Now I don't know about you
But when I'm about to get off
And I'm covered in play doh
I do NOT like maple syrup poured on me
I mean, I'm not a freak

But Mario can't get hard
Unless whoever he's screwing
Smells like fresh pancakes
So on goes the maple syrup

Hang on, did you hear that?

I think that orphan got loose

Motherf**ker

How many locks do I have to put on that door?

Anyway

I remember when I was hosting Food Network Star
And THEY had to make a turkey
And some of them did well
But none of them would get in the harness
So they all lost

Which should teach them something
About getting on television

Anyway, I have to go find that orphan
And then debone a duck
And maybe that nun

Tune in next week--I'll be on "To Catch a Predator"

I hope that kitchen has a decent
Mixing bowl!

How Many Drinks?

Can I ask you something?

How many drinks does it take
'Till you get to the center
Of that old guy's wallet?

How many drinks does it take
For you to forget your past
And convince yourself
The future looks any different?

How many shots do you have to do
To make the guy you're dating
Look less like a cardboard cut-out
Of a Himalayan mountain goat?

How much do you have to pound
To stop hating yourself
And your life
And your job
And your day
And your Himalayan mountain boyfriend
And your mother
And your friends
And your lack of funds
The lack that exists
Because you spend all your funds
On drinking

Oops, I forgot the question mark

How many drinks do you have to down
To go down on someone else's boyfriend
While still telling yourself
That you like girls?

How fucked up do you have to get
To get fucked up against a dumpster
In a parking lot next to the children's museum?

How wasted do you have to get
To forget that you wasted
Five bucks getting into this dive
Just so you can dive into hopelessness
With a brick on the gas pedal?

Tell me, sweetie
Because, you see
I don't drink...much

So maybe you could explain
How much I would have to drink
To get to be
As merry
As you are

How many?

C'mon, tell me

How many drinks?

Little Russian Dolls

Jessica left me because I didn't want kids
She didn't want kids either
Not now anyway
But I never want them
And so she figured
Why not just leave now

I mean
I guess that's what she figured

She didn't really say much
There was a lot of crying
And I didn't cry
And she was like--

Why aren't you crying?

And I'm all
I don't know
I don't cry
And she goes--

THAT'S AN ISSUE!

I mean, I know it's an issue
But wouldn't a bigger issue
Be if I made myself cry
When I didn't really feel like crying
I mean, that's being a sociopath, isn't it?
To do something like that?

I mean, I've DONE that
But I didn't want to do that THEN

Because I've always been honest with Jessica
And that's, ironically, what ended our relationship

I could have said 'I want kids'
I could have said 'I love your tuna casserole'
I could have cried
But none of that would have been honest
But that's what she wanted

She wanted me to lie
She just didn't want to know I was lying

But I couldn't do that
So she left

And she left because I didn't want kids
And I don't want kids because I have issues
With how I was raised
And I don't feel I have the skills
To do any better than my parents did
Because they didn't give me the skills
Obviously, paradoxical, I know

And because of the whole childhood thing
I have trust issues
And trust issues feed back into not wanting to have kids
And the whole thing is like--

Those little Russian dolls

There's one inside another inside another
Except with mine each issue is bigger than the last
And you never get to the end

And maybe that's why Jessica left
She couldn't see an end in sight
I don't blame her

I wish you could love someone
Past your own shortcomings

But I don't know how to do that

Some people say it's a wall
But it doesn't seem like a wall
It seems like a door

I'm on one side of it
And someone else is always on the other side
Knocking

And the door's locked
And neither one of us has the key
And the other person is always saying
That I won't open the door

But I don't the key, you know?
I just don't have it

So I just keep hoping that one day
I run into the person
Who does

Vivian Leaves a Voicemail

Isaac?

Isaac, this is your mother
This is Vivian
This is the heartbroken woman
Who has stopped crying long enough
To leave you this voicemail

Why would you do this to me?
To Jessica?
To yourself?
To the world?

Why would you do this?

Jessica was the most wonderful girl
You ever brought home

She was polite
She was giving
She feared me instantly

I loved her

And now you've broken up with her
And I have to find out from her Facebook status

Yes, I'm on Facebook now
Your brother got me on there
So I could find out
Which one of my classmates got fat
Before my reunion next month

But that is neither here nor there
Nor anywhere

The girl is shattered

I'm looking at the computer screen right now

Jessica is--Shattered.

Or maybe that's a song
Is that a song?

Even if it is
It's how she's feeling

There's a frown face
That little colon parentheses
That indicates a frown
That's what she has right now
A parenthetical colon
And it's because of YOU!

I have given birth to a heartbreaker
A cruel, stone cold ice man
Who destroys lovely young women
That would make fine daughter-in-laws

Is that why you hated her, Isaac?
Because I loved her?

Is that what made you toss her out?

Well, let me tell you something mister--

BEEP

. . . . .

Isaac?

This is your mother
I'm back
Your voicemail cut me off
You must have trained it
It now hangs up on me
At the exact same moment you would
If you weren't screening your calls

Oh, I know that's what you're doing, mister
I know when my call is being screened

God forbid your father drops dead
You won't even know about it
Until you get around to checking your messages
And by that point we'll probably already have him buried

PHILLIP! DON'T DROP DEAD!
YOUR SON WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT
UNTIL AFTER THE FUNERAL!

Where was I?

Oh right, you tossed out Jessica
And I want you to toss her back in

You call her up
And you get her back
And you marry her
And you give me grandchildren
And you name the first girl after me!

BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER
AND I WILL NOT BE--

BEEP

. . . . .

Okay, I got less that time
I definitely got less
Is your voicemail set up
To give less and less time
In order to preserve space
In your precious inbox?

So all the tramps
That will now be calling you
Because your little relationship heart on Facebook
Has now been shattered
Much like Jessica's
Will now be forced
To keep their messages concise?

Isn't that CONVENIENT for you, Isaac

I'm so happy for you

All a mother wants for her son is happiness
And you found happiness
And you strangled it
And then dumped it in a ditch
Like a drifter

I am so ashamed of you, Isaac
I am ashamed and disgusted and repulsed
And more than anything I--

BEEP

. . . . .

--WISH I HAD GIVEN YOU TO THE MILLERS NEXT DOOR
WHEN YOU WERE BORN
LIKE GRANDMA BEGGED ME TO!

GOOD-BYE!

BEEP

. . . . .

Honey?

It's Mom

I just saw Jessica's note
She tagged me in it
Which was...

I mean, I don't want to say it was 'nice' of her
It was nice of her to...
Let me know
I suppose

She says that breaking up with you
Was very hard on her
She says it shattered her

I don't understand that
Why would the person DOING the breaking up be upset?

I guess that's possible
But...

Well, anyway

I just want to let you know
That I'm here for you

You're still my little boy
And if there's anything I can do for you
I want you to just give me a call

And as for Jessica...

Well, I think we both know
You can do a lot better
Than her

The Chaperone

I have volunteered for Zoo Day
I have volunteered for the Halloween Party
I have volunteered to make cookies
Shaped like Joe Biden
For Vice-President's Day

I volunteer, because I am in love
With Josefine's mother, Andrea

My name is Dan Engle
And I have a beautiful daughter
Named Lily

I am divorced
My wife is a lovely woman
Who lives three states away
Which is why she's so lovely

Andrea is also divorced
But her husband still pops up
From time to time

As he did at Josefine's birthday party
Where I had agreed to be the clown

I was dressed in floppy shoes
And enough face paint
To cover a small shed
When Rog showed up
In a blazer
And a tie

Try making a guy like that jealous
When you have a balloon pump
Shoved down your pants

Luckily, Andrea seems to care about her ex
About as much as I care about mine
Yet another reason we're perfect for each other

Unfortunately, I have no guts
Which is why instead of asking Andrea out
I have done anything and everything
To be in her presence
Whenever I can

Mostly, that includes chaperoning

That's how I wound up
Getting spit on by a seal
When I volunteered to be part of a show
At the aquarium

That's how I got threw up
When it was decided that--

--As the only man at the bowling party--

I should be the one
To take little Gary Graydon
To the men's room

Gary didn't make it to the men's room
He didn't make it much farther
That my brand new polo
Bought to impress Andrea

She volunteers as much as I do
The woman is a machine

I once saw her frost seventeen cupcakes
In ten minutes
And each one had an individual snowflake on it

I tried frosting one of the cupcakes
And instead of a snowflake
I wound up with something that resembled
Eleanor Roosevelt, hung-over

I do get to chat with Andrea
And she seems to enjoy having me around
Although all the mothers seem to enjoy having me around

After all, I'm a man
Some of them see me
More than they see their own husbands

I'm a writer
So I can work whenever
And sometimes I get great material
Out of chaperoning

For example, a trip to the local peanut factory?

Pages upon pages
Of solid literary gold

Last week was a great week

A pizza party
Teachers vs. the Parents basketball game
Then a visit from Lucy the Fire Safety Leopard

(That's right--a leopard
That was the sexiest 'Don't Play with Matches' speech I've ever heard.)

The best part of the week, however
Came after Andrea finally asked me
If I'd like to get coffee that night

I wanted to climb up on the monkey bars

(As we were on the playground at the time)

And yell--"YES! YES! YES!"

But then I looked at Lily
And I remembered

'Sorry, Andrea,' I said, 'I got a date with my girl tonight.'
'Oh right,' she said, 'The Father/Daughter dance.'
'Yup.'
'Well, maybe another time.'
'Sure thing.'

Then me and Lily hopped in my car
So we could go get ready
For our big night

I felt bad about turning down Andrea
But as far as I'm concerned
The Father/Daughter dance
Is sacred

He Knows When to Call

He knows to call when I've been stood up
When I'm still in hurting heels
That crunch my toes up
So that they're practically
Internalized in my foot

He'll call and make me laugh
And ask to come over
And I say 'Yes'
When I wouldn't
If he hadn't called
When he did

But that's the thing
He knows when to call

He calls on the days
When my boss decides
That we don't REALLY need Thanksgiving off
Now, do we?

He comes over and makes me dinner
And we sip wine and have a few laughs
And then he goes home
And then I go to sleep
And we're both okay
We're okay with this
This is fun

Isn't it fun?
It's just fun
Good, clean fun

Like we're two kids
But we're not
We're not kids anymore

When we met, maybe
But definitely not now

And in a normal, progressive relationship
We'd have kids by now
That's how long it's been
That's how long we've been having fun

But whereas some women
May look at at fingerpaint
And tell themselves it's Monet
I call it like it is
And it is fun
But it is NOT much more
Than fun

When he calls
It's fun

And it's...helpful

He calls when I've had fights with my mother
He calls when my car has broken down...again
He calls when my favorite television show is on hiatus
He calls when I'm ready to make a bad decision

And every time he calls
I fall a little bit in love

His voice has this nice quality to it
It's like a late night radio DJ
And a soul singer
And an old friend

And in many ways, he is all those things

If I'm not there when he calls
Then he doesn't leave a message

That's it
Chance missed
Catch him the next time

I don't call back
I did once
But he didn't answer
And then he didn't call
For two months

So I got the hint

He doesn't call on my birthday
I don't think he remembers my birthday

Wait, that's a lie

He did call on my birthday once
But he didn't mention that it was my birthday
So I mentioned it
To let him off the hook
And then he came over
And, actually, if I'm being honest
It was a pretty damn good birthday after that

Would I like something more serious?

Absolutely

I have a list of things I'd like
All of them more serious
Than infrequent telephone calls
From a man I can't get close enough to love
More than I love good wine
Or good sex
Or...

I'd like to love a man more than that
I'd like to see him in many different outfits
I'd like to meet his family
I'd like to go on trips with him
I'd like to know when he was going to call

But for now, he calls
And he seems to know when to call

And for now I like it
And when I don't like it anymore
Or when I find something better

I guess...

I guess I'll just...

Stop answering