Holly Writes to Kevin Jonas

Dear Kevy Kev,

This is Holly, your biggest 9-year-old fan...or at least, I was.

Kev, loving you has not been easy. You're not the cutest of your brothers, nor the most talented, and yet, I chose you to love.

Do you think that was easy for me, Kev? Do you think I wasn't ridiculed at school by other children who then went missing for a few days and returned missing teeth and patches of hair? Because I was, Kev--I was mocked for my love.

But I bore that mockery, because I knew that the trials and tribulations of discovering and caring for a diamond in the rough such as yourself would mean greater reward when we were finally married out in my backyard in June, and my friend Katrina wouldn't be invited because she likes "real" rock 'n roll, so she can just sit in her bedroom and listen to Steely Dan like a smelly person because that's what she is and--

I digress.

I had faith in you, Kevvy, and you shattered that faith.

You got married.

How could you? How could you do this to me? What were you thinking? Does she even own a toothbrush with your face on it? Because if she doesn't, I really don't see how you can trust her.

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I've been listening to "Burnin' Up" all day and crying hysterically. My mother tried to comfort me, but she stopped once I asked her what she knew of real love and threw my tea set at her.

Now is not the time for consolation, now is the time for action.

I demand that you annul this sham of a marriage. Save yourself and your career! I went on Wikipedia and made a chart, which you'll find attached to the letter.

Apparently, a long time ago, there lived a man named Donny Osmond, who was as popular as you are, then he got married. Notice his record sales pre- and post- nuptials.

Pretty scary, huh?

I suggest you reconsider this decision, KeJo. If for none of the other reasons I've mentioned, then to save the life of your biggest fan.

No, I'm not planning on jumping off the back of the slide at recess, but I also don't plan on leaving this bedroom until you're single again, and what kind of life is that? What do you expect me to do? Just transfer my love to Joe or Nick?

...Joe, maybe, but NICK?

No, no, and not going to happen.

I'd rather start listening to John Mayer...Actually, I'd rather jump off the back of the slide.

So, please, Kevo, take my advice. It'll be better for you and the little harlot you think you love. After all, though I'm young, I have lots and lots of pen pals--some of whom I'm sure live within reach of you, and I'd hate to see something awful happen to that tra--I mean, girl.

Something like what happened to Natalie Moss when she took my pencil during a multiplication lesson and wouldn't give it back...

...I can still hear her asking what the wrench was for...

Poor thing.

Well, I have to get back to scotch taping your poster back together. When I heard about your little misstep I took an exacto knife to it and turned it into an avante garde painting. Now that I know you'll be rectifying your mistake though, I think it can go back above my bed.

Just don't make me angry again.

K?

Love You, KJ Superstar!
Holly XXX