The Chaperone

I have volunteered for Zoo Day
I have volunteered for the Halloween Party
I have volunteered to make cookies
Shaped like Joe Biden
For Vice-President's Day

I volunteer, because I am in love
With Josefine's mother, Andrea

My name is Dan Engle
And I have a beautiful daughter
Named Lily

I am divorced
My wife is a lovely woman
Who lives three states away
Which is why she's so lovely

Andrea is also divorced
But her husband still pops up
From time to time

As he did at Josefine's birthday party
Where I had agreed to be the clown

I was dressed in floppy shoes
And enough face paint
To cover a small shed
When Rog showed up
In a blazer
And a tie

Try making a guy like that jealous
When you have a balloon pump
Shoved down your pants

Luckily, Andrea seems to care about her ex
About as much as I care about mine
Yet another reason we're perfect for each other

Unfortunately, I have no guts
Which is why instead of asking Andrea out
I have done anything and everything
To be in her presence
Whenever I can

Mostly, that includes chaperoning

That's how I wound up
Getting spit on by a seal
When I volunteered to be part of a show
At the aquarium

That's how I got threw up
When it was decided that--

--As the only man at the bowling party--

I should be the one
To take little Gary Graydon
To the men's room

Gary didn't make it to the men's room
He didn't make it much farther
That my brand new polo
Bought to impress Andrea

She volunteers as much as I do
The woman is a machine

I once saw her frost seventeen cupcakes
In ten minutes
And each one had an individual snowflake on it

I tried frosting one of the cupcakes
And instead of a snowflake
I wound up with something that resembled
Eleanor Roosevelt, hung-over

I do get to chat with Andrea
And she seems to enjoy having me around
Although all the mothers seem to enjoy having me around

After all, I'm a man
Some of them see me
More than they see their own husbands

I'm a writer
So I can work whenever
And sometimes I get great material
Out of chaperoning

For example, a trip to the local peanut factory?

Pages upon pages
Of solid literary gold

Last week was a great week

A pizza party
Teachers vs. the Parents basketball game
Then a visit from Lucy the Fire Safety Leopard

(That's right--a leopard
That was the sexiest 'Don't Play with Matches' speech I've ever heard.)

The best part of the week, however
Came after Andrea finally asked me
If I'd like to get coffee that night

I wanted to climb up on the monkey bars

(As we were on the playground at the time)

And yell--"YES! YES! YES!"

But then I looked at Lily
And I remembered

'Sorry, Andrea,' I said, 'I got a date with my girl tonight.'
'Oh right,' she said, 'The Father/Daughter dance.'
'Yup.'
'Well, maybe another time.'
'Sure thing.'

Then me and Lily hopped in my car
So we could go get ready
For our big night

I felt bad about turning down Andrea
But as far as I'm concerned
The Father/Daughter dance
Is sacred