I Want It That Way

I was working

All summer

At this computer retail store

Near the Everfast Mall

Doing all the basic stuff

Like putting price tags

On mousepads

And one day

This girl walks in

Never seen her before

And she walks right up to me

And says—

Hey, is it your birthday?

And, like

Crazy story

It was my birthday

And I had completely

Forgotten about it

I’m not even kidding

That summer was—

I was all over the place

Working at that store

And my uncle’s restaurant

And at the beach

Whenever I wasn’t

At either of those two places

This was when I thought

One day I would wind up

Being, like, some Hawaiian drifter

Or just some really Zen

Surfer guy or something

Time and birthdays

Just weren’t anything

I was too concerned with

Plus, my dad died

When he was twenty

And I was two

So I wasn’t really looking forward

To hitting the age he was

When he left me

But the girl

This, like, vision

Shows up

And asks me

If it’s my birthday

And I say—

Yeah

And right at that moment

The power goes off

Not just in the store

But, like, the whole block

The mall

Everything

And they have

Those back-up generators

But it didn’t matter

Because it was some

Transistor

Or some charger

Or something that, like

Is really hard to fix

And when it happens

The girl doesn’t even blink

She just looks at me

And goes—

You wanna get out of here?

We went to the beach

And made out in the sand

She told me a lot of stuff

But truthfully

I don’t remember any of it

And I feel like that’s okay

Because we never even exchanged names

I remember she had, like,

This little radio with her

Battery operated

And she had it next to her

While we were kissing

And talking

And it kept playing

‘I Want It That Way’

By the Backstreet Boys

And I hated the song

But I was like ‘Who cares?’

And by the time the sun set

I was in love with her

The song

And Brian Littrell

At one point

She got up

Took off her shorts

And her shirt
And walked right into the ocean

I was going to follow her

But then I laid back

And closed my eyes

And when I woke up

I was in my bedroom

With the alarm going off

Letting me know

I was ten minutes late

For work

I never went in that day

And I told my uncle

My dishwashing days

Were over

Hitchhiked my way

From the east coast

To the west

And when I got there

I…

Became the store manager

At a Pottery Barn

Sorry, that probably

Wasn’t the ending

You were expecting

To be fair

It wasn’t the ending

I was expecting either

There were a lot of zigs and zags

In between making it to LA

And Pottery Barn

But none of those are as interesting

As sitting on a beach

With a girl who might have been a ghost

Listening to the Backstreet Boys

And thinking—

Well, not thinking

Knowing

That life just wasn’t

Going to get

Any better

Than that

Mueller Answers Questions

(ROBERT MUELLER stands at a podium.)

MUELLER:  I'll now answer questions.

PRESS #1:  So did the President commit a crime?

MUELLER:  The President didn't not commit a crime.

PRESS #1:  So...he did?

MUELLER:  He didn't not.

PRESS #1:  So--?

MUELLER:  Next question?

PRESS #2:  If he committed a crime, why aren't you
prosecuting him?

MUELLER:  As I said before I started taking
questions.  You can't prosecute a sitting President.

PRESS #2:  So he can just...do whatever he wants?

MUELLER:  While he's in office, yes.

PRESS #2:  Isn't that...kind of scary?

MUELLER:  It's very scary.  Next question.

PRESS #3:  Why would the people who put
the thing together--

MUELLER:  The Founding Fathers.

PRESS #3:  Right.  Them.  Why would they
let this happen?

MUELLER:  Well, they figured that by putting
in place the impeachment procedure, if a President
ever did go off the rails, we could just begin the--

PRESS #1:  Yeah, but we can't impeach him.

MUELLER:  Well, not us, but Congress--

PRESS #2:  No, Congress can't impeach him either.

MUELLER:  Can't or won't?

PRESS #3:  They cannnn?  But if they do, the other
side gets riled up over it and then Democrats lose
their advantage again.

MUELLER:  But the President committed a--didn't--
didn't not commit a crime.

PRESS #1:  Yeah, but the Republicans don't care.

PRESS #2:  What do we do if the Republicans don't care?

MUELLER:  I--we don't--I don't--

PRESS #3:  Are you going to testify in front of Congress?

MUELLER:  No.

PRESS #2:  Why not?

MUELLER:  I don't want to.

PRESS #1:  Don't you...have to?

MUELLER:  I mean, I didn't do anything wrong.

PRESS #2:  That's...not why people testify.

PRESS #3:  That's actually the reason you should be
fine with testifying.

MUELLER:  Everything I have to say is in the report.

PRESS #1:  But we can't read the full report.

MUELLER:  Well, you should read it.

PRESS #2:  We can't.

MUELLER:  Illiteracy is certainly tragic but--

PRESS #3:  There are redactions all over it.

MUELLER:  Next question.

PRESS #1:  Can't you just charge the President
with a crime?

MUELLER:  That won't be possible until
after he's out of office.

PRESS #2:  So, like, if the President was like--
Hey, I'm just going to kill somebody every day
for the next two years, there's NOTHING we could
do to stop him?

MUELLER:  You could impeach him.

PRESS #2:  You keep saying 'impeach' like it's
something we can actually do.

MUELLER:  You could vote in people who would
impeach him.

PRESS #3:  Gerrymandering.

MUELLER:  Look, I don't know what you want
from me.  I did the investigation.  I found not
not guilty.  There are things you can do to get rid
of him.  I'm not Santa Claus.  I can't just magically
put the President in jail.

PRESS #2:  Why?

MUELLER:  Because.

PRESS #1:  Why?

MUELLER:  Because.

PRESS #1, #2, and #3:  Why?

MUELLER:  Next question.

PRESS #3:  Do you think there's any chance
he'll be prosecuted once he's no longer President.

MUELLER:  Considering we didn't even prosecute
Nixon when he was out of office--No.  No chance.

PRESS #2:  So what was all this for?

MUELLER:  No idea.  Next question.

    (The questions continue as the lights fade.)

Pluto Decides

I just think I should be able to decide

Whether or not I’m a planet

You know?

Like, these scientists

Just keep going back and forth

About what I am

And who I am

And I just feel like--

Like that should be my journey
You know?

I’m on a path

An orbit

So to speak

And

You know

I don’t know

Where it’s taking me

But wherever that is

I just need to be on it

And whether it be

As a planet

Or, um, a moon

Or, like, a rock

A comet

A meteor

A speck

A spot

A--whatever

Whatever it is

I need to be open to it

And not just try to, you know

Put a label on it?

I mean, how many times

Have I gone around the sun?

How many times

Have I had

A black hole

Walk up to me

And be like--

Hey, sup?

And, like

Why do I allow that?

Why do I allow

The sun

And Mecurry

And Jupiter

And all the others

Be so distant from me

And just, you know,

Be so blase about it?

I am not blase

Blase is not me

I am not blah

I am a part

Of this solar system

And this Universe

Regardless of if I’m in the Big Nine or not

That is not all I am

And you know what?

Maybe I don’t want to be

One of nine

Maybe I want to be

One of one

An individual

A unique presence

In the cosmos

Where’s my voice, right?

Where’s my creative expression?

The other day

I saw a star implode

And, like, I just savored it

You know?

I just let myself be

In that moment

WIthout judging it

Without worrying

What was going

To come after it

Certainly not, you know

Thinking about--

Wow, am I experience this

As a planet or--?

No

No!

I am not doing that anymore

That is, in and of itself,

It’s own black hole, right?

It’s its own trap

For--for--for--

For getting lost

In the dark

Right?

That’s why I’d rather just say--

You know what?

I’m me

I’m Pluto

That’s who I am

And that’s great

That’s really great

I don’t have to be

Anything else

But that

When They Dig Me Up

They’re going to dig us all up one day

That’s where this is heading

Eventually they’re going

To run out of dinosaur bones

And you know when that happens

They’re going to start

Digging up humans

And when they dig me up

I hope they put me somewhere nice

Well, they don’t just leave you there

Don’t you know

How archeology works?

Once they dig you up

You’re up

That’s it

That’s your second life right there

Up and at ‘em

Then they either put you

In a museum

Or in a lab

Or they write a book about you

About who they think

You were

In my case, they won’t have to think too hard

Because I’m being buried with a notebook

Detailing my life

The better parts of it

And then I’m having the notebook

Wrapped in plastic

And inserted into my ribcage

That way they worms won’t get at it

I don’t see any reason

To make the archeologists

Work harder than they have to

I’m not sure what they’re going to find out

When they start poking at me

But I’m guessing they’re going to think

That human beings

Back in the days of now

Were fascinating

And often morbidly obese

Creatures

They’ll have something to say

About how bad my toe bones are

Because of all the ballet

And also

The cage fighting

Maybe they’ll wonder

Why my left elbow

Looks the way it does

And I can’t even tell ‘em

In the notebook

Because I don’t know

Why it looks that way either

The way I see it

The human body

Is a mystery

And why try

To solve a perfectly good

Mystery?

You think I ever got this growth

On my eyelid checked out?

Nope

The freckle on my back

That keeps changing colors?

Nope

The patch of hair

That fell out

And then grew back

As a finger?

Not interested

Let the people eons from now

Figure all that out

Like my aunt said

Right before she died

Of god-knows-what--

What’s going on

Inside of me

Is none of my business

When they dig me up

They can sort through

All that

The questions

The quandaries

The twelve-inch tail

I was born with

That’s all for them

The way I see it

You have to contribute

Something to the world

Even long after

You’re gone

And I’ll tell you something

When they open up
My coffin

They’re in for one hell

Of a treat

When We Lose Monopoly

When we lose Monopoly

We walk home

The long way

The way with the dark patches

And the old houses

And the broken fences

With grey, dead lawns

Behind them

We cry down our breath

And with somber grace retreat

Through heavy doors

That make us feel

Like we’ve secluded ourselves

In bunkers

We think about where

We went wrong

The roll of the dice

That landed us

In front of

Two hotels

The refusal to purchase

What seemed

Like a worthless property

Or the acquisition

Of too many properties

When really

We needed to invest

In the properties

We already owned

The time spent in jail

The hesitation at being ruthless

The bad luck left over

From that game of Scrabble last week

That sent us down a path

Of loss and loss and loss

We climb into unmade beds

And think about

Touching our spouses

But choose instead

To touch ourselves

The places on ourselves

That still feel

Like winning

The nipples that feel like dice

The fingernails that feel like silver cars

The eyelashes that feel like real fake money

We count the crisp cash

In our in-and-out dreams

The day dawns

The blinds are drawn

The mistakes of the weekend

Tell on us

To those we hold most dear

We are no longer people

Who have done this or that

We are losers

We are Monopoly losers

We have failed

More than just ourselves

And our families

We have failed capitalism

We have failed ambition

We have failed the American Dream

What more is there

For us?

For people who were given the chance

To take the world by storm

And instead

Collected a measly two fifty

Just because they managed

To drag their sorry carcasse

Across the board

One more time

Before they were systematically dismantled

By players

Who were a bit more greedy

A bit more rude

A bit more brash

A bit better

At the game

When we lose Monopoly

Other games

Are suggested

At future outings

But nothing will satisfy

Nothing will sate

Nothing will make us feel better

About handing over

Bill after bill

Of our fake fake real fake money

There’s nothing else

We want to play

Until we can win

At what we’ve lost

And it’s that appetite

That’ll doom us all

In the end

But until then

We walk down a street

With the dark

Whispering

In our pockets

And we think about a railroad

Four railroads

Two utilities

And a top hat

That will never comfortably

Fit

On our heads