A Few Questions About Our Very Gay Break-Up

(A podium.  MARK and JARED are standing 

next to each other looking distraught.)

MARK:  ...And that is why we have decided 

to break up.

JARED:  We would like to ask that you respect

 our privacy at this difficult time, but also, we’ll be 

taking questions from the Internet, because it’ll 

help our placement in the algorithm if there’s a lot 

of activity in our comments section.  Yes, New York

 Times?

NYT:  When did you decide to end it?

MARK:  Do you--

JARED:  No, you can take this one.

MARK:  Oh god, I respect you so much.

JARED:  I respect you so much too.

MARK:  Okay, well, I guess we knew it was over 

before we went to Barcelona, but like, we had already

 paid for the trip, and also, we wanted to make sure 

the vacation narrative wasn’t soured by the ‘We’re 

Breaking Up’ narrative.

JARED:  It’s really important not to mix narratives, 

you guys.

MARK:  Like, so important.  So, while we were 

on the plane heading there, we worked out a timeline

 for the break-up, and we’re currently in Phase Two 

of that timeline.

NYT:  How many phases are there?

MARK and JARED:  Eighteen.

NYT:  Wow.

MARK:  Washington Post?

WAPO:  Which one of you is going to be the one

 who gets in amazing shape after the break-up?

JARED:  I think that’ll be me, just because Mark 

has a personality, so--

MARK:  It’s just not vital for me to, like, have some

 incredible body.  It would actually sort of damage

 my brand. I think instead I’ll probably, like, open 

a wine shop or something.  Like, become an 

entrepreneur.

JARED:  Whereas it’s very vital for me to have 

an incredible body, and also to get a bartending

 job over the summer where I can take a lot of shirtless

 photos with nineteen-year-olds.

WAPO:  What song lyrics are you using for your 

break-up post?

MARK:  I was thinking keep it classic--Wicked. 

 For Good. I’m kind of a theater lover.

JARED:  I want Snow Patrol.

MARK:  We’re discussing it now, and again, please

 respect our privacy during this difficult time.  Buzzfeed?

BUZZFEED:  Jared, are you planning on DM-ing 

any of Mark’s friends?

JARED:  I would never.

BUZZFEED:  Mark, same question.

MARK:  I’m probably going to date his soon-to-be-ex-friend

 Christian.  We’re going to say ‘It just happened. We 

weren’t planning it’ but we’ve totally been planning it from,

 like, the minute I first met him at Mark’s friend’s Jon’s 

boyfriend’s Memorial Day barbecue slash cocaine pool party.

BUZZFEED:  Jared, any thoughts?

JARED:  I wish them well, because I refuse to look like

 I care, but I’m totally going to date Christian’s ex-boyfriend

 as retaliation.

BUZZFEED:  Mark, thoughts on Jared’s thoughts?

MARK:  I plan on posting a passive aggressive status

 about it once he does.  Moving on--Daily Beast?

DAILY BEAST:  What bad behavior you’ve been exhibiting

 over the past few months are you going to blame on 

each other?

JARED:  I’m going to blame him for why I haven’t been

 hanging out with my friends, even though he was 

always like ‘We should hang out with your friends’ and

 I’ve been like ‘No, I’m tired, I just want to stay home

 and watch that show on Netflix about the guy looking

 for the twins that killed his mailman.'

MARK:  I’m going to blame him for going out too much 

when really I was the one who always wanted to go out

 and he just wanted to stay home and watch really 

disturbing Danish crime dramas.

JARED:  Is that why I can’t understand what they’re 

saying?  Those twins are so creepy.

MARK:  We also plan on taking three to four photos 

at future events so people can see how well we’re 

handling the break-up.

JARED:  Because we’re mature.

MARK:  We’re very mature.  New York Post?

NEW YORK POST:  What rumors do you plan on 

starting about each other after a respectable amount

 of time has passed so you don’t look like you’re being 

petty?

MARK:  I’m going to tell everyone he’s terrible in bed 

in an effort to keep him from shagging literally everyone

 we’ve ever met, because I’ll never truly be over him.  

I mean, I hate him, but, like, I don’t want him sleeping

 with anyone again--ever. Plus, my next boyfriend isn’t 

going to be as cute as he is, because I don’t need 

someone breaking up with me again, but that's going
to make me insecure for...pretty much the rest of my
life.

JARED:  And I’m going to tell people that I broke up 

with him, because I did, even though we agreed to 

say it was mutual.

MARK:  We agreed to say that, because when we 

first started dating, he got drunk and peed his pants at 

a Betty Who concert, and he doesn’t want anyone to

 know that.

JARED:  So basically--it was mutual.

MARK:  I got lucky this time, but rejection is really 

off-brand for me, so from this point on, I’m strictly 

dating fours and fives.

JARED:  And I’m not dating anyone until I turn forty

 and can go with the ‘Bad Boy Settles Down’ narrative

--like George Clooney or Mussolini.

MARK:  Mussolini settled down when he was older?

JARED:  No, I mean, my barber, Mussolini.  He got

 married at seventy-three. Guy’s a champ.

MARK:  TMZ?

TMZ:  Jared, tell me what you’re going to say about 

Mark’s next boyfriend.

JARED:  He seems niiiiiiice.

TMZ:  Well-played.

MARK:  Yeah, that was really good.

TMZ:  Mark, what are you going to say about the

 nineteen-year-old that’s going to be

 in a photo with Jared in a few months?

JARED:  I plan on changing the subject by saying

 ‘I’m just so happy for him.’

TMZ:  And will you be detagging any photos after this?

MARK:  I’ve already deleted my Instagram, but I plan

 on re-launching it sometime later this year, except

 it’ll mainly be focused on my inspirational approach

 to cycling.

JARED:  I’m just going to detag the photos where I 

look gross, because I’ve been wanting to do that anyway
and this is as good a reason as any.

NYT:  Was there cheating?

MARK:  Not really.  Like, he kissed this guy we were 

both dating and the kiss lasted longer than
two minutes, which is over the agreed-upon
time limit--

JARED:  And he had an emotional affair with this guy 

who follows him on Twitter, but it turned out to be Blake

 Lively, so I mean, I can’t really be mad at him.

MARK:  Blake is a wonderful person, and I just ask

 that you respect her privacy at this time.

WAPO:  And did you--

MARK:  Oh! One time he fooled around with this guy

 was on the Blacklist--not the tv show--

JARED:  Although I do like James Spader--

MARK:  --But, like, on our list of guys that are a no-go? 

 But, like, I wouldn’t call it cheating, because then I ended 

up making out with him, and then we both made out with

 his husband, who--plot twist--once spilled a soy latte on

 Blake Lively at Jeremy Renner’s Fourth of July party 

and Scientology Orientation.

WAPO:  And did you--

MARK and JARED:  We did not become Scientologists.

BUZZFEED:  Which one of you will be moving out of 

your shared apartment?

JARED:  Mark’s going to stay, so I’m just going to live

 on the beach for the summer and, um, write really 

bad songs on an acoustic guitar.

MARK:  I’m going to tell people I don’t listen to the

 songs to find out if they’re about me, but I totally

 listen to all of them, and think every single one is

 about me.

JARED:  None are about him.

MARK:  Not even the one about the--

JARED:  Mark.

MARK:  Sorry.

DAILY BEAST:  Are either of you getting a dramatic

 new haircut?

JARED:  We both are.

MARK:  We think it’s for the best.

JARED:  And I’m getting a tattoo of a phoenix on

 my chest.

MARK:  It’s going to look really gross.

JARED:  It really is.

NEW YORK TIMES: Will either of you attempt to sleep with

the other again after the break-up?

MARK/JARED: I'm certainly going to try./Hard pass.

NEW YORK POST:  Will either of you ever admit

 to regretting the break-up?

JARED:  I’m going to get drunk one night and 

send him a picture of my private parts, but other

 than that--

MARK:  I will regret it every single day of my life.  

Because he’s so hot. Like, I know you’re looking at

 him right now, but trust me, he is even hotter than 

you think.  He’s just--he’s really very handsome, and,

 like, there are other qualities that someone can 

possess that--but, like, honestly, I’m never going 

to be okay again--ever.

TMZ:  Who’s getting married first?

MARK:  Me.

JARED:  I’m so happy for you.

MARK:  Jared, I am so happy for you.

JARED:  Mark, dude, I am--so happy for you.

MARK:  Thank you.

JARED:  Thank you.

MARK:  THANK you.

JARED:  Thank YOU.

    (They sigh.)

MARK:  Any other questions?

NEW YORK TIMES:  Have you given any 

thought to not being so public with the personal

 details of your life?

MARK/JARED:  Ummmmm no?/I don’t

 understand the question.

        The End