Brie Larson Is Mad That Her Friend Got Engaged

    (BRIE LARSON is having lunch with her friend ALEX.)

BRIE:  --And they’re all congratulating her.

ALEX:  Well, it’s nice.  It’s nice that she’s getting engaged.

BRIE:  You think it’s a coincidence?

ALEX:  What?

BRIE:  Do you think it’s a coincidence that she got engaged,
 like, a week after Endgame?

ALEX:  It’s been more than a week.

BRIE:  But, like, it wasn’t that long ago.

ALEX:  I don’t think she was thinking about Endgame when 
she, you know, got engaged?

BRIE:  But, like, it’s just--can I have my moment, you know?

ALEX:  Well, you did have your moment, Brie.

BRIE:  Okay, so, like, my moment is going to last--what?  
A week?

ALEX:  It’s been more than a week.

BRIE:  It’s, like, the biggest movie of all time, and I’m a major 
part of it, and now all anybody wants to talk about is her getting 
engaged.

ALEX:  Who’s anybody?  I don’t even know this girl.

BRIE:  The people back where I’m from.  The people from 
my hometown.

ALEX:  Oh.

BRIE:  I mean, like, they were all excited for me and 
my movie--

ALEX:  Well, it’s not just your movie.

BRIE:  No, not--Yes, but also--okay, that was--you’re being--
what I meant was--MY movie.  The movie I did first.

ALEX:  Captain Marvel.

BRIE:  Yeah. They were all excited for that, and then for
 Endgame, but now it’s like they don’t even give a shit.

ALEX:  Sorry, I forgot you had two movies out this year 
that were both giant hits.  I’ll try to remember that the next 
time we talk about how rude it is of your cousin to not wait
 three years for the hype to completely die out before getting 
engaged.

BRIE:  Okay, I’m detecting some sarcasm, and I’d really like 
you to dial that back a bit.

ALEX:  Brie, you have an Oscar.

BRIE:  That nobody’s talking about.

ALEX:  They were talking about it when you won it, but that 
was a few years ago.

BRIE:  So what?  Do I need to win an Oscar every year?

ALEX:  No, but you also don’t need everybody’s attention 
all the time.

BRIE:  It’s not that I want to be, like, the focal point of, like, 
the attention all the time.  I just want there to be, like, an 
undercurrent of attention that’s always paid to me and then
 to, like, whoever else might need it.

ALEX:  She got engaged.  It’s awesome. You should be 
happy for her.  You’re her cousin.

BRIE:  Second cousin.

ALEX:  Can’t she have one day where everybody’s happy
 for her?

BRIE:  Okay, she announced it three days ago, and people
 are still posting on her wall, so--

ALEX:  Oh my god.

BRIE:  And the wedding isn’t for two years, and do you
 want to know why?

ALEX:  Because some people take their time when they 
get married?

BRIE:  Noooooo, it’s because she wants two years of 
posting online about the wedding so she can stay in the 
spotlight.  Meanwhile, I have NO idea when we’re making
 another Captain Marvel movie, but it’s DEFINITELY not
 going to be within the next two years.

ALEX:  I’m sure you’ll have other stuff to talk about.

BRIE:  Yeah, but now I have to check and make sure that 
nothing I’m announcing lines up with her stupid 
announcements about the wedding.

ALEX:  What are you talking about?

BRIE:  Like, I’ll be like--’Just finished filming a new biopic
 about a young Sandra Day O’Connor’ and she’ll be like 
‘Just picked out a dress!’ and everybody will give her,
 like, a million likes, because no matter what you do, 
people are just way more excited about weddings than
 they are about professional achievements.

ALEX:  You get thousands of likes about your stuff.

BRIE:  But, I mean, like, comparatively--like--it’s all strangers
 and robots from France or whatever.  My third grade teacher 
NEVER likes my stuff.

ALEX:  Why would she?

BRIE:  She always likes my second cousin’s stuff!  Like, is
 she not impressed by me? Is she more impressed by 
somebody getting engaged?  I have an Emmy!

ALEX:  You do?

BRIE:  I COULD!  I COULD HAVE ONE!

ALEX:  People are going to have good things happen to them,
 Brie, and people are going to be excited when good things 
happen to other people, and that doesn’t mean they’re not
 happy for you.

BRIE:  But, like, remember when we were kids and something
 would happen--like something big--and it’s all anyone would talk 
about for, like, weeks?

ALEX:  ...No?

BRIE:  Okay, well, I do.  I remember. And that’s what I want 
it to be like now--for me.  I want it to go on longer.

ALEX:  Well, that’s just--that’s just not how things are--
assuming they ever really were that way, which, I don’t think
 they were, I mean, Andy Warhol said that thing about fifteen
 minutes a long time ago and--

BRIE:  First of all, Andy Warhol was never on Sixty Minutes.

ALEX:  That’s--

BRIE:  And, second of all, I cannot be working THIS hard at 
staying relevant.  It is EXHAUSTING. Like, you wouldn’t know, 
because it’s not really a concern for you?  But it is 
DEPLETING me.

ALEX:  Just because I’m not interested in being famous 
doesn’t mean I’m not relevant.

BRIE:  First of all, I think it’s very aggressive of you to say 
that you’re not interested in being famous.

ALEX:  Well, it’s--

BRIE:  Especially when you know how important it is to me
 that other people think it’s important that I’m famous.

ALEX:  I--

BRIE:  And second of all, everyone can be happy for 
everyone, that’s great, that’s fine, nobody’s saying it’s 
not, but, like, can we all agree that there are some things 
we should be happier about than others?

ALEX:  So you want--scaled happiness?

BRIE:  Yeah, like, tiers.

ALEX:  Tiers of happiness?

BRIE:  Yeah, like, tears of joy.  Oh my god! How cute is that?

ALEX:  So you want people to be more happy for you 
than your cousin?

BRIE:  Second cousin.

ALEX:  But is that what you’re--

BRIE:  Yes! That’s what I’ve been saying!  Like, she’s 
getting engaged. Everybody gets engaged.  I live in LA 
now. All I deal with are engaged people. And then they 
get married.  And then they get divorced. And then they 
get engaged again. So why are we all deathing so hard 
every time one of them announces that they’re getting 
engaged?  It makes no sense. It’s like fangirling because
 somebody’s like ‘I ate spaghetti today.’

ALEX:  Brie--

BRIE:  I mean, I haven’t eaten spaghetti in forever, 
because that Captain Marvel suit is NOT forgiving, 
but you know what I mean.

ALEX:  Brie--

BRIE:  I’m just trying to think of what normal people do
 all the time.  Hike? Do people hike?

ALEX:  Brie!

BRIE:  Alex, you’re getting aggressive again.

ALEX:  Because I think you’ve reached a point where you 
don’t seem to understand that you are not the CENTER 
OF THE UNIVERSE.

BRIE:  Um, did you see Captain Marvel?  Because I kind of am.

ALEX:  I--

BRIE:  I basically killed Thanos.

ALEX:  No, you didn’t.

BRIE:  I was instrumental in the killing of Thanos, okay?  I was 
an instrument. A really important instrument.

ALEX:  That’s not--

BRIE:  Not a guitar or--another kind of guitar.

ALEX:  Just let her have the engagement, Brie.

BRIE:  I’m not not letting her have it.  She can be engaged if 
she wants. I just think her timing was selfish.

ALEX:  Brie. Just let her have it.

    (A beat.)

BRIE:  Fine.

ALEX:  Great.

BRIE:  Great.

ALEX:  Fine.

    (A beat.)

BRIE:  But if she tries having a baby before I win a Grammy--

ALEX:  God, I wish I got snapped.

    The End