Thursday, June 27, 2019

The Rats Discuss New York

     (Two RATS are outside a pizza place
chewing on a used tissue.)

RAT:  I miss that place that used to be on--

OTHER RAT:  I know which one you're--

RAT:  The pepperoni at that place--

OTHER RAT:  Grandpa Nick's Pizzeria!

RAT:  That's the one.

OTHER RAT:  You can't find pepperoni like
that these days.

RAT:  I've been saying that--

OTHER RAT:  It doesn't exist.

RAT:  And they shut it down.

OTHER RAT:  Bastards.

RAT:  And for what?  For nothing.

OTHER RAT:  Nothing at all.  Just because
they felt like it.

RAT:  Bastards.

OTHER RAT:  Dirty bastards.

RAT:  How much did you used to poop
in that place?

OTHER RAT:  Constantly.  Constantly
pooping in there.

RAT:  No better place to poop.

OTHER RAT:  You couldn't find a better place.

RAT:  And they shut it down.

OTHER RAT:  You know who's ruining this city?

RAT:  I know.

OTHER RAT:  The Health Department.

RAT:  I know.

OTHER RAT:  Like rat feces ever hurt anybody.

RAT:  Other than the plague.

OTHER RAT:  Other than the plague, rat feces
has never hurt a soul.

RAT:  Some people think being around it
is good for you.

OTHER RAT:  It might be.

RAT:  Remember how they used to say coffee
was bad for you?

OTHER RAT:  Now it's good for you.

RAT:  Now you die if you don't have it.

OTHER RAT:  That could be rat poop.

RAT:  It could be!

OTHER RAT:  Those subways though--

RAT:  Please.

OTHER RAT:  I can't even move.

RAT:  You know how many feet I ran over
the other day?

OTHER RAT:  I hate when you have to run
over their feet.

RAT:  And they don't even scream anymore. 
They're used to it.

OTHER RAT:  So then it's not even fun.

RAT:  I had to stop in the middle of a crowd--
risking my life, because you know they'll
step on you without thinking twice about it--

OTHER RAT:  My cousin Mickey got stepped on. 
Crushed one of his legs.  Now he lives down by
the pier eating whatever cheese I remember to
bring him.

RAT:  No way to live.

OTHER RAT:  Terrible way to live.

RAT:  Anyway there I am, stopped in the
middle of this crowd, and I thought to myself--
you know what I thought?

OTHER RAT:  I know just what you're going
 to say.

RAT/OTHER RAT:  I gotta get out of this city./
I should bite one of these people
and give them the plague.

     (A beat.)

OTHER RAT:  But yeah, the city's a mess. 
You should leave.

RAT:  Imagine being a rat upstate?

OTHER RAT:  I think about it all the time.

RAT:  Living a nice country life.

OTHER RAT:  Not fighting over trash all the time.

RAT:  You don't even want to know what I
had to do to get half a hot dog the other day.

OTHER RAT:  Oh, I know.

RAT:  Those other rats were coming out of
the woodwork--

OTHER RAT:  They'll eat you and the hot dog. 
Be careful.

RAT:  We're eating our own out here. 
We're cannibals.  This is what we've been
reduced to.

OTHER RAT:  I ate a nickel the other day. 
Just to see what would happen.

RAT:  What happened?

OTHER RAT:  Nothing...yet.

RAT:  So you...you still got the nickel in...

OTHER RAT:  It'll do something eventually.

RAT:  I...yeah.

OTHER RAT:  My cousin Jerry moved to Boston. 
Says it's even worse than here.

RAT:  Can't be worse than here.

OTHER RAT:  Says it is.

RAT:  CANNOT be worse.

OTHER RAT:  That's what I said.

RAT:  Can't be.

OTHER RAT:  But he says it is.

RAT:  Listen, no disrespect, but your cousin
 is filthy lying con artist.

OTHER RAT:  How'd you know he
was a con artist?

RAT:  That was just a guess.

OTHER RAT:  By the way, Joey says
you're the one who tipped off the
exterminators to his place inside
the Old Navy?

RAT:  Joey's full of it.

OTHER RAT:  He says you gave him away. 
Says you're a...

(A beat.)

RAT:  A what?

OTHER RAT:  You know.

RAT:  No, I don't know.

OTHER RAT:  You do.

RAT:  I don't.

OTHER RAT:  You do.

RAT:  I don't.

OTHER RAT:  You--

RAT:  You were going to call me
a stool pigeon.

OTHER RAT:  I was--not.

RAT:  A disgusting, disease-carrying
stool pigeon.

OTHER RAT:  Hey, don't knock
carrying diseases.

RAT:  I didn't give up Joey.

OTHER RAT:  No skin off my teeth if you did.

RAT:  Well, I didn't.

OTHER RAT:  Well, I guess I can keep the
skin on my teeth then.

RAT:  I guess you can.

OTHER RAT:  Fine with me.

RAT:  Fine with me.

OTHER RAT:  Fine with me.

RAT:  Fine with me.

OTHER RAT:  Fine with me.

     (A beat.)

RAT:  Fine with me.

OTHER RAT:  Fine with me.

     (A beat.)

RAT:  You cannot get good deep dish
 in this city anymore.

OTHER RAT:  You can't get it.

RAT:  And nothing you can do about it.

OTHER RAT:  This whole place is turning
 into a real sewer.

     (They go back to chewing on the tissue.)

The End

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

What the Narrator Has to Say

I just don’t know
What you expect me
To do

Keep narrating?
You want me to just--

Oh god, this is--

You cannot call him
You can’t
You--

I won’t do it

I won’t say--

‘And then she called him’

I won’t

Because, you know what?

And I’d like to speak
About me right now
And how I’m feeling?

Is that--

Can I do that?

Can I just--

Because I am tired
Of being the passive force
That memorializes your life
As it happens
Regardless of how cyclical
And unhealthy
It becomes

Yes, I said it

You know, I could have gone omnipotent

That was a choice
That was a choice I could have made

A choice for me

But honestly?

I didn’t want to know
Where any of this
Was going

I was terrified
To be one of those--

But things wouldn’t work out that way

--Narrators

Because the truth is
You don’t really need to be omnipotent
To know how this
Is going to turn out

But having at least a little hope
That maybe it’ll be okay
Was enough to let me keep myself
In a lesser position

And I’m not saying
I did that for you
Or that you need to be
Responsible
For that
But the fact is
You were a part of that decision
And now you just want me to say--

And then she called him

And I’m not going to say that

I understand
What this relationship is
But it is toxic

It is not okay

And I can’t just sit back
And go along with--

She walks away from the Narrator

No

NO

Do not do that

That is--

She isn’t listening

This is--

Making me
Acknowledge you
Not acknowledging me
Is perhaps
The cruelest thing
You have ever done
And frankly
At this point
You can just do first-person
Because I am out

I am not going to be the third person
In my own life
Whatever that life
Or story may be

Good luck to you
And--

She was already gone

Well

Well, well, well

I guess that’s all there is

To say

When You Find a Dead Body Before You’re Twelve

When you’re find a dead body
Before you’re twelve
It’s important that you take that in
As a real
Coming-of-age
Sort of experience

Perhaps go on a road trip

Don’t drive
You can’t drive
You’re not old enough to drive

But maybe walk
Walk for awhile
And take a few friends with you

Be combative
Or silent
Moody
Sulk
Grumble

Whatever you feel
You need to do
To understand
This thing
That you cannot possibly understand

Meaning life and death
Mortality
The sensitivity
That comes
With the human body
And how easily
It can be reduced
To an empty microwave popcorn bag
On the side of the road

Do not touch the body
Do not report that the body is there
Do not tell the police about the body
Or a grown-up
Any grown-up
Not even a cool one

Not even your art teacher
Who has tattoos
And lets you draw whatever you want
Even if it’s naked people

Even he can’t be trusted
With this monumental information

Poke the body with a stick if you want
Don’t worry about showing it any respect

You’re not even twelve
You have no respect
Not for yourself
And definitely not
For the body of a stranger
Who looks as though
They’ve been murdered

Check to see if there’s anything
Near the body
Specifically a bag of cash
And if there is
And this is important

DO NOT TAKE IT

That will only lead to trouble
And you’re already in enough trouble
Because you’re not even twelve
And you’ve already seen a dead body

And when I say ‘trouble’
I don’t mean actual trouble
I’m not talking about you being grounded
I mean, ‘trouble’ as in, like--

LIke your mind is going
To be really
And I’m going to swear now--

Fucked
Over this

Like, forever
Like, probably forever

The road trip might cure it
But that’s doubtful

Although it might also
Teach you the meaning
Of friendship
But that’s also doubtful

And it’s doubtful
That you won’t grow up
To be a cool adult
Who really only seems cool
But is secretly
A fucking monster

Did you catch the double negative there?

Do you know what a double--

Of course you don’t
You’re not even twelve

But sometimes
Things show up
Before you’re ready for them
And this
Is one of those things

So look
But quickly
Then look away

Looking away quickly
Won’t lessen
The result

But staring at a dead body
For too long
Isn’t something
Anybody should do

No matter what age

You are

Monday, June 24, 2019

A Dog You Don't Want to Catch

I got off the bus
And it was--

It was like the dream
The dream
Where I got off the bus
And the heat hit me
And I thought--

Fuck

Fuck, this is real now

A dream’s like a dog
You don’t want to catch

You find it
And it snap snap snaps
Its teeth at you

Off the bus
And I’m already sweating

That’s when I started working
At the diner

He comes in
Orders two eggs
My first day
Two eggs

What the fuck, right?

Did I tell you
Why I left the city?

I left because--

Jesus, I had the dream

I had the dream
And I got on the bus
And there I am
Serving this fucker
Two eggs

Like, shit

People will do the craziest shit
When they’re lonely
In the summer

Make all kinds
Of bad moves

I go to work
At this hot sweaty diner
Stained apron--

No, no, no
That’s a costume
That’s what you hear about

I kept my apron clean
I didn’t play the part
I wasn’t about that

If I was going to do it
I was going to do it clean
Nice and clean

He showed up
And started asking me
About myself
After I got him
His two eggs

Now I had never
Met a man like that

I had met some monsters

I had known some
Oh yes
City’s full of them
They’re everywhere in the city

But the ones--

The country ones
They’ve got something special
About them

When they choke you
They look you
In the eyes
The whole time

He never choked me
But I asked him to
A couple of times

Leave it to me
To take the strangle
Out of the strangler

Said I made him
A better person

What the fuck is that?

I wasn’t looking
For a better person

I didn’t get on a bus
To find a better person
Just a sweaty diner
To serve eggs at

What I got
Was some puppy dog
Who wanted to leave bodies
In ditches
Following me around
With all the spark out of him

So I got back on the bus

Still had my apron on
When I did it too

Wanted something to remember
My lonely summer by

Something I could put on
The next time I wanted

To go for a ride