chewing on a used tissue.)
RAT: I miss that place that used to be on--
OTHER RAT: I know which one you're--
RAT: The pepperoni at that place--
OTHER RAT: Grandpa Nick's Pizzeria!
RAT: That's the one.
OTHER RAT: You can't find pepperoni like
that these days.
RAT: That's the one.
OTHER RAT: You can't find pepperoni like
that these days.
RAT: I've been saying that--
OTHER RAT: It doesn't exist.
RAT: And they shut it down.
OTHER RAT: Bastards.
RAT: And for what? For nothing.
OTHER RAT: Nothing at all. Just because
they felt like it.
they felt like it.
RAT: Bastards.
OTHER RAT: Dirty bastards.
RAT: How much did you used to poop
in that place?
OTHER RAT: Constantly. Constantly
pooping in there.
in that place?
OTHER RAT: Constantly. Constantly
pooping in there.
RAT: No better place to poop.
OTHER RAT: You couldn't find a better place.
RAT: And they shut it down.
OTHER RAT: You know who's ruining this city?
RAT: I know.
RAT: I know.
OTHER RAT: The Health Department.
RAT: I know.
OTHER RAT: Like rat feces ever hurt anybody.
RAT: Other than the plague.
OTHER RAT: Other than the plague, rat feces
has never hurt a soul.
has never hurt a soul.
RAT: Some people think being around it
is good for you.
is good for you.
OTHER RAT: It might be.
RAT: Remember how they used to say coffee
was bad for you?
was bad for you?
OTHER RAT: Now it's good for you.
RAT: Now you die if you don't have it.
OTHER RAT: That could be rat poop.
RAT: It could be!
OTHER RAT: Those subways though--
RAT: Please.
OTHER RAT: I can't even move.
RAT: You know how many feet I ran over
the other day?
OTHER RAT: I hate when you have to run
over their feet.
the other day?
OTHER RAT: I hate when you have to run
over their feet.
RAT: And they don't even scream anymore.
They're used to it.
They're used to it.
OTHER RAT: So then it's not even fun.
RAT: I had to stop in the middle of a crowd--
risking my life, because you know they'll
step on you without thinking twice about it--
OTHER RAT: My cousin Mickey got stepped on.
Crushed one of his legs. Now he lives down by
the pier eating whatever cheese I remember to
bring him.
Crushed one of his legs. Now he lives down by
the pier eating whatever cheese I remember to
bring him.
RAT: No way to live.
OTHER RAT: Terrible way to live.
RAT: Anyway there I am, stopped in the
middle of this crowd, and I thought to myself--
you know what I thought?
OTHER RAT: I know just what you're going
to say.
middle of this crowd, and I thought to myself--
you know what I thought?
OTHER RAT: I know just what you're going
to say.
RAT/OTHER RAT: I gotta get out of this city./
I should bite one of these people
and give them the plague.
I should bite one of these people
and give them the plague.
(A beat.)
OTHER RAT: But yeah, the city's a mess.
You should leave.
You should leave.
RAT: Imagine being a rat upstate?
OTHER RAT: I think about it all the time.
OTHER RAT: I think about it all the time.
RAT: Living a nice country life.
OTHER RAT: Not fighting over trash all the time.
RAT: You don't even want to know what I
had to do to get half a hot dog the other day.
had to do to get half a hot dog the other day.
OTHER RAT: Oh, I know.
RAT: Those other rats were coming out of
the woodwork--
the woodwork--
OTHER RAT: They'll eat you and the hot dog.
Be careful.
Be careful.
RAT: We're eating our own out here.
We're cannibals. This is what we've been
reduced to.
We're cannibals. This is what we've been
reduced to.
OTHER RAT: I ate a nickel the other day.
Just to see what would happen.
Just to see what would happen.
RAT: What happened?
OTHER RAT: Nothing...yet.
OTHER RAT: Nothing...yet.
RAT: So you...you still got the nickel in...
OTHER RAT: It'll do something eventually.
RAT: I...yeah.
OTHER RAT: My cousin Jerry moved to Boston.
Says it's even worse than here.
Says it's even worse than here.
RAT: Can't be worse than here.
OTHER RAT: Says it is.
RAT: CANNOT be worse.
OTHER RAT: That's what I said.
RAT: Can't be.
OTHER RAT: But he says it is.
RAT: Listen, no disrespect, but your cousin
is filthy lying con artist.
is filthy lying con artist.
OTHER RAT: How'd you know he
was a con artist?
RAT: That was just a guess.
OTHER RAT: By the way, Joey says
you're the one who tipped off the
exterminators to his place inside
the Old Navy?
RAT: Joey's full of it.
you're the one who tipped off the
exterminators to his place inside
the Old Navy?
RAT: Joey's full of it.
OTHER RAT: He says you gave him away.
Says you're a...
Says you're a...
(A beat.)
RAT: A what?
OTHER RAT: You know.
OTHER RAT: You know.
RAT: No, I don't know.
OTHER RAT: You do.
RAT: I don't.
OTHER RAT: You do.
RAT: I don't.
OTHER RAT: You--
RAT: You were going to call me
a stool pigeon.
a stool pigeon.
OTHER RAT: I was--not.
RAT: A disgusting, disease-carrying
stool pigeon.
stool pigeon.
OTHER RAT: Hey, don't knock
carrying diseases.
carrying diseases.
RAT: I didn't give up Joey.
OTHER RAT: No skin off my teeth if you did.
RAT: Well, I didn't.
OTHER RAT: Well, I guess I can keep the
skin on my teeth then.
skin on my teeth then.
RAT: I guess you can.
OTHER RAT: Fine with me.
RAT: Fine with me.
OTHER RAT: Fine with me.
RAT: Fine with me.
OTHER RAT: Fine with me.
(A beat.)
RAT: Fine with me.
OTHER RAT: Fine with me.
(A beat.)
RAT: You cannot get good deep dish
in this city anymore.
in this city anymore.
OTHER RAT: You can't get it.
RAT: And nothing you can do about it.
OTHER RAT: This whole place is turning
into a real sewer.
into a real sewer.
(They go back to chewing on the tissue.)
The End
The End
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