The Only Gay Person in the Room

(An office.  ANNIE, JON, and RICH are

all sitting around a conference table.)

ANNIE:  --And that’s why I think it would be a great

fit for us, especially considering--

JON:  Annie, I really don’t want to, ugh, I’m so sorry

but as the only gay employee at this company, I just

really think we need to look at the optics here.

ANNIE:  Oh my god, Jon.  You’re right. I’m so sorry.

That must have sounded so insensitive.

JON:  I did, but I forgive you.  It’s just hard sometimes

being the only gay person who works here.

RICH:  Well, luckily that’s about to change.

(A beat.)

JON:  Huh?

RICH:  We hired--

(TAD enters.)

TAD:  Knock, knock.

RICH:  Tad! Come on in.  I was just telling

everyone that you’re gay.

ANNIE:  Oh my god, ANOTHER gay guy!

Jon, isn’t this amazing?

JON:  Uh...yeah.  What a...relief.

RICH:  Have a seat, Tad.  We were just

talking about an approach for the Patterson

campaign.

ANNIE:  I made the dumb suggestion that

we should bring the McFadden group on

as partners, but Jon pointed out how bad

the optics would be on that since the

McFadden group had that incident

a few years back.

JON:  Yeah, so now we’re moving on to--

TAD:  Well, hang on a minute, I don’t know

If--sorry, I know I’m new here, but I don’t

know if I agree with you there, Jon.

(A beat.)

JON:  Oh?

TAD:  They have totally new management

and people’s memories are short.  I don’t

think anyone will remember what happened

all the way back in--whenever that incident

happened.  I mean, I’m probably too young

to remember it anyway.  That’s probably why

it still means so much to Jon.

(A beat.)

ANNIE:  That was shade, right?  Jon was

teaching me about shade, but I always

forget how it works.  Like, are you supposed

to want to kill the person afterwards?

JON:  Chad--

TAD:  Tad.

JON:  Tad, can I speak to you privately, please?

RICH:  Oh, they want to talk about gay stuff.

TAD:  I don’t think that’s what Jon means.

JON:  No, that is what I mean.

TAD:  We can talk here, Jon.  If I upset you--

JON:  You did upset me, and that’s why we

can’t talk here.  I don’t want the straight people

to see us fighting.

TAD:  Why not?

JON:  Because I don’t want them thinking that

we fight.

RICH:  Well now we kind of...know you fight.

ANNIE:  I’m still not sure if they fight or not.

I’d have to see it to be sure.

TAD:  Jon, it’s just a disagreement over a

partnership.

JON:  But I had already decided as the lone

gay person what we were going to do.

TAD:  But you don’t get to decided on behalf

of all gay people.

JON:  Well I used to be able to.  Why do you

think I’ve worked here with these idiots for so

long?

ANNIE:  Rich, don’t take that personally.

RICH:  I’m confused, Jon.  You always complain

that we don’t have any other gay people working

Here.

JON:  I have to say that.  I can’t say I love being

able to say whatever I want about gay stuff without

anyone challenging me.

ANNIE:  But, okay, just so we’re clear--that is how

you feel?

JON:  Yes!

TAD:  Jon, I think it’s great that we’re going to have

two gay voices in the room from now on.

JON:  That’s like saying ‘Wouldn’t it be great to have

more than one violin in the symphony?’

TAD:  There usually are more than one violin in a

symphony.

JON:  And that’s why nobody likes the symphony!

RICH:  I, for one, am very excited to start having

more diverse conversations here in the office.

JON:  You sound like an idiot, Rich.

ANNIE:  I just want more gay friends.

TAD:  That’d kind of offensive.

JON:  No, it’s not!

TAD:  What do you mean it’s not?

RICH:  It clearly is, Jon.

ANNIE:  I’m very sorry.

JON:  Don’t be sorry, Annie, I think what you said

wasn’t offensive.

TAD:  But I do.

JON:  But you’re not the only gay person in the

room, Tad.

TAD:  But it was objectively offensive.

JON:  Oh, so we’re talking objectives now, are

we?

TAD:  No, we’re talking about something being

objective.

JON:  Well maybe I don’t think you’re objective.

TAD:  Do you know what objective means?

JON:  I would really like to do this without straight

people here, Tad.

TAD:  Why? So you can explain something to me

about being a gay person that I didn’t already know

and get me to change my mind?

JON, RICH, and ANNIE:  Yes!

TAD:  You don’t get to pull a gay card here, Jon.

JON:  But that’s my only card!

TAD:  You could just try changing my mind

on the merits.

JON:  I don’t have the energy for that.

RICH:  Jon, I think you’ll really love this

Arrangement once you get used to it.

JON:  Or I could do 23 and Me and find

out I’m Lithuanian.

RICH:  Why would you do that?

JON:  Because then I can be the only

Lithuanian in the room.

TAD:  Do we deal with a lot of Lithuanian

Issues here?

JON:  We will once I find out I can be the

only person who’s allowed to have an

opinion on Lithuanian stuff!

TAD:  Just try being right about stuff!

JON:  But I never had to be right about

anything before!

RICH:  Folks, as important as this conversation

is, we have to move onto other--

JON:  Yeah, whatever, let’s just talk about

whatever. It’s not like I care anymore anyway.

RICH:  Okay, next up, the Altama campaign.

ANNIE:  Oh, I had some thoughts on that as

a woman--

JON, RICH, and TAD:  Shut up, Annie.

ANNIE:  Right. Sorry.  Very sorry.

The End