Thursday, December 31, 2020

This Might Be Risotto

     (A group of cavemen sit around a fire.)

KRORG:  Blerg, I have to tell you--

BLERG:  Yeah?

KRORG:  This? What you made? With the forest specks? It's delicious.

BLERG:  Aw, thank you.

SPLANG:  It's true, Blerg. This is--I've never had anything like it.

BLERG:  Wow. I mean, it took me a long time, but I wasn't sure that would mean it was good. Remember when I baked that rock for three days and we still couldn't eat it?

KRORG:  Flerm managed to get a few bites down before he keeled over and died.

SPLANG:  What did you do to these forest specks? They've never tasted this good.

BLERG:  I just boiled them in the bubble fruit juice I make in my cave.

KRORG:  So you just poured all the bubble fruit juice into the--

BLERG:  No, no, I added it slowly. A little bit at a time. One handful. Let that dissolve. Added a little bit more.

SPLANG:  I wonder if that's why it tastes so good.

BLERG:  Well, to be honest with you, this wasn't my first attempt at making it.

SPLANG:  No?

BLERG:  No. I had to keep trying it with different amounts. First half a handful, then a quarter of a handful, but it turns out, I just needed the whole handful.

KRORG:  Did you carve any of this into the wall on the cooking cave?

BLERG:  Why would I do that?

KRORG:  In case, you know, you want to make it again.

BLERG:  Oh, don't worry, I'll remember how to make it. I have a very good memory for that kind of thing.

SPLANG:  But what if we want to make it without you?

     (A beat.)

BLERG:  Why would you do that?

SPLANG:  Because, you know, the men in this tribe don't tend to...live very long--

KRORG:  That's because the rocks around here are so inedible.

SPLANG:  And if something should happen to you, it would be nice to know we could make this delicious meal again.

BLERG:  Well. I guess you can't.

KRORG:  We...could. You just have to...carve it out.

BLERG:  I'd rather not.

SPLANG:  Why not?

BLERG:  Because it's mine. I made it. You can't just go making it without me. Either I make it or it doesn't get made.

KRORG:  Blerg, why are you being this way?  We all make different things for mealtime. Splang makes roasted tree bark. I make water with some stuff in it.

SPLANG:  You never tell us what the stuff is.

KRORG:  It doesn't matter.

SPLANG:  It's beetle shells, isn't it?

KRORG:  I don't give away my secrets.

BLERG:  And I'm not giving away mine!  If you want to eat this meal, you need to ask me, and if I'm feeling up to it, I'll make it for you.

SPLANG:  So you might not make this again next week when it's your turn to cook?

BLERG:  Maybe I won't. As I said, it took me quite awhile.

KRORG:  Will you make something equally delicious?

BLERG:  I'm not comfortable making any promises right now.

SPLANG:  But I don't want to wait until you're ready to make this again. I don't even want to wait a week. You need to make more of this immediately.

KRORG:  She's right, Krorg. Look what you did. You made a woman be right. You have to pay for that. Your punishment shall be making more of this speck boiled in bubble fruit juice.

BLERG:  Risotto.

KRORG/SPLANG:  What?

BLERG:  I've decided to call it risotto. I made risotto.

SPLANG:  What's risotto?

BLERG:  It's whatever this is.

KRORG:  So you're just naming things now?

BLERG:  It's my thing. I'm allowed to name it.

KRORG:  So you own the forest specks?

BLERG:  They're not even really forest specks. We just find them in the forest. We have every reason to think they come from that field we're scared to go into because the Big Teeth Little Arms hang out there and they just drop them throughout the forest because their little hands can't hold onto them.

SPLANG:  And do you own the bubble fruit juice?

BLERG:  Nobody would even know that bubble fruit produces juice if I hadn't stepped on one accidentally and then stuck my finger in the mess and tasted it!

KRORG:  The point is, Blerg, this is a community. We commune here. That means nothing belongs to anybody and everybody can make demands of each other, like how we're demanding that you make more of this schmicky sticky.

BLERG:  What?

KRORG:  That's what we're calling it.

SPLANG:  I love that name.

BLERG:  It is called risotto.

KRORG:  You didn't ask if you could call it that.

BLERG:  I don't have to ask.

SPLANG:  I vote for schmicky sticky.

BLERG:  We're not voting.

SPLANG:  I vote to vote and I vote for schmicky sticky and I vote that Blerg has to make this three times a day forever.

KRORG:  I second all of those motions.

BLERG:  What are motions?

     (KRORG raises his hand.)

KRORG:  It's when you motion with you hand to do something and the other people motion their hands the same way.  See?

BLERG:  You can't force me to make more of this.

SPLANG:  But why would you not want to?  It's so tasty!

KRORG:  Don't you want to eat more of it?

BLERG:  Of course I do, but I would also like some credit.

KRORG:  What is credit?

BLERG:  It's when you say 'Blerg, you did this and nobody else and you are better than all of us.'

SPLANG:  Do we have to say it just like that?

BLERG:  Yes.

SPLANG:  I mean, I do want more schmicky stick--

BLERG:  And you have to let the person name the thing they did because they are in charge of it and nobody else and if you love it, you have to love them to.

KRORG:  Suddenly, the schmicky stick doesn't taste as good.

SPLANG:  Don't be an idiot, Krorg. We've never had meals this good.  The closest we ever came was that time the Long Arms One Horn fell into the fire and I accidentally spilled the green mush on it at the same time.

KRORG:  Maybe a Long Arms One Horn will fall into the fire again?

SPLANG:  I'm not sitting around waiting for that!  If Blerg will make us more of this...risotto--

     (KRORG gasps.)

KRORG:  Traitor.

SPLANG:  Then I am willing to meet his demands.

BLERG:  What do you say Krorg?  Tomorrow night is your night to cook. I will gladly take the job off your hands and slave away in the cooking cave unless you'd rather go chasing beetles around all day.

KRORG:  I do hate chasing beetles. But there must be give and take.

BLERG:  Yes, I give you risotto and you take it.

KRORG:  No, I mean, you have to be unhappy about something. That's how negotiation works.

BLERG:  I'm not happy that I have to toil away making this, but--

SPLANG:  You have to carve it out!

BLERG:  I already said--

SPLANG:  Blerg, if it really is as hard to make risotto as you say it is, do you honestly think any of us will try to do it even if you tell us how?

KRORG:  If anything, I'll just look at the instructions a bunch of times and wish somebody would make it for me so I don't have to.

     (A beat. BLERG thinks this over.)

BLERG:  It is true that you both are very lazy. As is everyone else in this tribe. We're still waiting on Oomph to finish making Round Thing.

SPLANG:  We'll be dead before he finishes Round Thing.

BLERG:  All right. I will carve the instructions for risotto and make it for you all every night if you continually shower me with praise, and, every few months, give me some kind of award.

KRORG:  What is an award?

BLERG:  It is a little piece of rock with a picture of me carved into it and a star next to the picture indicating that I am better than everyone that ever lived.

SPLANG:  Who has to carve the rock?

BLERG:  I can do it, but then somebody else has to hand it to me.

KRORG:  I'll hand it to you!

BLERG:  And you have to make a little speech about how great I am before you hand it to me, and then I will make a larger speech about how great I am where I pretend I'm not great and that you all helped me be great, but really I'm the greatest and everybody knows it.

SPLANG:  Can we eat risotto while you make the speech?

BLERG:  Sure.

SPLANG:  Works for me.

KRORG:  My goodness. Who knew making risotto was so complicated?

     End of Play

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Tonight's the Night

You drove all the way here

I just--


I know, you took the bus

I mean, in general

You--you went out of your way

To get here

That’s all I was saying


We can go out if you want

I just don’t really know

What there is to do

Because I haven’t lived here that long

And it’s kind of--


Milwaukee’s not far

But that’s the nearest--


I think we put too much pressure

On ourselves

To make this something special


I think--


I know, for me,

And I don’t know if you did this too

Maybe you didn’t

But I know

For me

I really wanted

To set the expectations

As low as possible


Because even though
I really like you

And you really like me

You know

Meeting each other

The way we did

At that conference--


I mean, not everything

Is going to be like

A resort in Mexico, right?


This is--


This is the real deal

And I told you that

I told you

That if you came here tonight

It wasn’t going to be all--


I mean, I said I could book us

A table in town

At a restaurant

But I said--


You know, this place can be

Pretty depressing

Especially at this time of year

And I was worried about you coming now

Because at least in the summer

I could’ve taken you

To the lake

Or to the park they have in town

But right now

It’s just, you know, dark

And maybe--I don’t know


Maybe you would’ve been--


Maybe I should have come

To where you are


No, no, I know about your ex

And how weird that is

I know about that

But it’s weird here for me

Because I’m, like, self-conscious

That I’m living this way

In this really sad little apartment

And you have to see it, you know?


I mean, I had to pick you up

At the bus depot

In my shitty little car

And drive you back here

Hoping it wouldn’t break down

The whole time


And then we get in here

And I can feel right away

That, like, you think

This is a mistake


I can feel it that, like,

In the car

You were so excited

And the minute you walked in here

And saw all this--


These colors are so muted

And I didn’t have time to--


I mean, I’d lose my security deposit

If I tried painting the walls or anything, but--


Uh, yeah

I have music

I can--


Gimme a sec


How’s that?


Yeah, okay

I’m just nervous


I know it’s weird

For me to be nervous

Because in Mexico

We were, like, inseparable

But just being here now is like--


I just didn’t want

To mess this up, so--


You want to just dance

Right here

In my apartment?


Yeah, that’s cool


I like that, yeah


I really like

That idea

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

What Michelle Pfeiffer Thinks of While She’s Making Love to Her Husband

I was so hot as Catwoman


I wonder if I can still

Fit into the suit


Remember when I put

That bird in my mouth?

I really did that


A live bird

Right in my mouth


My god, I was a badass


Everybody just thought

I was pretty

And then I was like--


Oh yeah, motherfuckers?
Watch me put a bird

In my mouth


I had a whip

I had little ears

I had Michael Keaton’s chest hair

In a little box

That got lost

When I moved to Malibu


I had it all


You know who I should have

Shacked up with?


Anthony Edwards


I don’t know

What it was about him

But every time I watched e.r.

I would think--


Screw George Clooney

I want Dr. Greene


A man is no fun

Unless you can intimidate him


Like when Oliver Stone

Tried to explain to me

How the moon landing was fake

And I took off my shoes

And made him smell them

Right in the middle of Ponderosa Steakhouse


God, David takes forever these days


I’d offer to get on top

But he says when I do that

He’s ‘overwhelmed by my beauty’


That is such bullshit


It’s because when we do it missionary style

He can pretend I’m Nicole Kidman


She’s not even

That much younger than me


I wouldn’t mind if he pictured

Shailene Woodley while we’re having sex

But Nicole?


I mean, she’s perfectly nice

But she wouldn’t be my first go-to

While I’m having sex

With my life


The last time we made love

I pictured Laura Dern

The whole time

And before I knew it

My entire body was shaking


Am I bisexual?


No, I think it’s just

Because she has an Oscar now


I doubt it has anything to do

With sexual attraction


Rami Malek never did

Anything for me

Before he won

And now all I can think about

Are those little serial killer bug eyes

Staring down at me

Whispering creepy shit like--


I really loved you

In The Witches of Eastwick


David really needs

To wrap this up

I have an early day

On set tomorrow


It’s going to take them

Four hours

Just to get me into

That superhero suit

And two more hours

To explain the plot

To Michael Douglas


I guess I shouldn’t complain


It used to take

Eight hours

To get me into
That catsuit


Hmmm…


I have an idea


What if I just

Pull David close

And very softly

Into his ear

Whisper the word--


Meow

Monday, December 28, 2020

Taurus the Stubborn Bull

Taurus was a very stubborn bull

He would sit out

Under the stars

And refuse to come back

Into the barn

And go to bed

When his mother called


No matter how much

She asked him

To go along

With all the other bulls

And do what he was told

Taurus was much too stubborn

And his head

Was in the stars


One night, Taurus was out

Far past his bedtime

And his mother called out

Telling him

That if he didn’t

Get into the barn soon

He would be in big trouble


Taurus didn’t feel tired

So he made himself

So stubborn

That he felt the pull of time

Slow down from a run

To a walk

Then a crawl

And then…


Stillness


Taurus was still

Up past his bedtime

But it didn’t matter

Because time was frozen


And with time

Went everything else


And so Taurus

Walked back to the barn

And trotted around

His now frozen family


His mother, his father

And all four of his siblings

Who were all standing still

Or already asleep in bed


Taurus had only ever been

In the yard

And the barn

But he had never been

In the house

Where the farmer

And his family lived


The house was off-limits

But Taurus was stubborn

And decided that nothing was off-limits

If you had already broken

One of the biggest rules of all


That time has to keep going
No matter what


And so Taurus the Bull

Walked into the farmer’s house

For the very first time


He walked through the kitchen

The living room

And he ate a few flowers

Out of the flowerpots

In the window sills


The farmer and his family

Were on vacation

In Toledo

So the house was available

For Taurus to explore


After he spent what would have been

A few hours there

Taurus wanted

To go even further


He began to visit

All the other houses

In the area

Seeing frozen families

Who were not in Toledo


He went into stores

And shops

And museums

And he traveled to other farms

And went to every corner

And crevice of the country


But Taurus soon got tired

And it was then he realized

That while time can stop

You can’t stop a two-year-old bull

From feeling sleepy


So Taurus walked

All the way back home

And when he got there

He got into bed

And unfroze time


When his mother

Looked over at the stall

Where her little Taurus sleeps

She saw him there

When only a second ago

She could have sworn

He was outside

Staring up at the stars


But she thought--


It must have been

My imagination


Because everyone knows

Animals have very active imaginations

And can easily lose track

Of things

Like small bulls

And time