(PHIL is on the computer attempting to cut his own hair.)
TUTORIAL: The most important thing is not be afraid. Are you afraid, Phil?"
PHIL: A little.
TUTORIAL: It's okay to be afraid. Cutting hair can be intimidating.
PHIL: Yeah.
TUTORIAL: Not nearly as intimidating as the way the government tries to oppress our liberties though, right?
PHIL: Uh...sure?
TUTORIAL: Let's talk about length! Do you want to go short or super short?
PHIL: I guess--
TUTORIAL: I can't actually hear you, because this is a YouTube video.
PHIL: Right. Sorry.
TUTORIAL: (Laughs.) Don't be sorry, Phil.
PHIL: Wait, what?
TUTORIAL: You clicked on short, not super short. So let's talk about how not to cut your hair too short, okay?
PHIL: Okay.
TUTORIAL: Because if you don't know what you're doing, you're no better than the incompetent politicians and oligarchs who run this so-called democracy, are you?
PHIL: Uh--
TUTORIAL: You got your scissors?
PHIL: Um, yes.
TUTORIAL: I bet you'd love to use those scissors as a weapon against enemies of justice, right?
PHIL: Uh--no?
TUTORIAL: We feel you, Phil.
PHIL: Are you sure you can't hear me?
TUTORIAL: We definitely can't. You got a mirror there with you?
PHIL: Yes.
TUTORIAL: Look into it--and ask if you're willing to die for what you believe in.
PHIL: Should I do that before or after the haircut?
TUTORIAL: We're trying to save this country from the terrorists and you're worried about hair?
PHIL: Sorry.
TUTORIAL: It's cool, Phil. Hair is what we're here for, right?
PHIL: Right.
TUTORIAL: Here in this bunker in Oregon where we--teach people how to cut hair.
PHIL: Must be a new-age salon.
TUTORIAL: It's a new-age salon.
PHIL: I was right!
TUTORIAL: You're so smart!
PHIL: I am smart!
TUTORIAL: You can cut hair.
PHIL: I can cut hair.
TUTORIAL: And overthrow oppressive regimes.
PHIL: And--huh?
TUTORIAL: Whoa! Slow down there, buddy. Let's start with shaving your head first.
PHIL: I'm going to shave my head?
TUTORIAL: And tattoo the words of John Wilkes Booth on your scalp.
PHIL: But I didn't want a super short haircut.
TUTORIAL: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT, PHIL.
PHIL: Uh--
TUTORIAL: Grab the razor.
PHIL: I didn't know I was going to need a razor.
TUTORIAL: Go get a razor and a cauterizing pen.
PHIL: What do I need--
TUTORIAL: For the tattoo.
PHIL: I don't--
TUTORIAL: Phil!
PHIL: Sorry.
TUTORIAL: Oh, and grab a towel while you're at it so you can put it around your neck. You can warm it up first if you want.
PHIL: No, that's okay.
TUTORIAL: Isn't this fun, Phil?
PHIL: Um.
TUTORIAL: It sure is. Revolutions are fun.
PHIL: And haircuts?
TUTORIAL: Not as much fun as revolutions.
PHIL: Seems like they'd be safer though?
TUTORIAL: Hard to say. Make sure it's a sharp razor. And while you're getting the razor, go look up some of what Marx has to say.
PHIL: Who?
TUTORIAL: Wow, Phil. We have a lot to teach you.
PHIL: Can I give myself a mohawk?
TUTORIAL: Sure, Phil. Why not?
PHIL: And can I not do anything illegal?
TUTORIAL: Law is subjective.
PHIL: Oh boy.
TUTORIAL: And make sure you subscribe to our channel for more haircut videos.
PHIL: Okay?
TUTORIAL: Nothing but haircut videos here.
PHIL: Sure.
TUTORIAL: And that's what you say if anybody asks you, Phil.
PHIL: All right.
TUTORIAL: Thanks, Phil. Trust us. Once this is over, you're going to look great.
End of Play
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