You'll Only Make It Worse

Father, I am begging you

Do not attempt

To speak to my husband

You'll only make it worse

There’s nothing you can do

For Murray

He’s been taken by the Devil
And that’s all there is to it

Well, not that I’m an expert

But the other day

I woke up

And I noticed

That Murray was coughing

An awful lot

And, as you know,

In this family

We believe all sickness

Comes from the Devil

And so I thought--

Oh boy, there it is

Another husband lost

To Hellfire

What a shame

Murray saw my concern

And he tried telling me

That it was just

A tickle in his throat

But who tickles better

Than the Devil?

He’s a feather made of fire

And you’ll be laughing

All the way down

To damnation

I can’t blame the Devil

For Murray’s snoring, mind you

Since that’s been there

Since our honeymoon

But that light cough of his?

That’s evil if ever I’ve heard it

But nevertheless, I played along

And told Murray

I believed him

Sure, Murray

Just a tickle

And of course

You can skip church

This week

For the first time

In your life

Nothing strange

About that

But as soon as he went to bed

That night

--After watching not one

But two episodes

Of Hell’s Kitchen--

I went to work

I tied him to the bed

Opened up all the windows

In the master bedroom

Informed all my children

That their father

Had been possessed by Lucifer

And got you on the horn first thing

Not to exorcise him, Father

Because I truly believe it’s too late for that

And I certainly don’t want to dally

When it comes to cashing in

His life insurance

As I expect there will be funeral costs eventually

And I have been meaning

To redo the guest bathroom

No, I’ve called you

Because I was wondering

If you give Last Rites

Over the computer?

I can put the laptop

Right by the bedroom door

And as soon as you send Murray

Into the next chapter of his spiritual journey

I’ll call one of the many

Lovely asylums in town

To come get him

He’ll still have the Devil in him, of course

But at that point

It’ll be the medical community’s problem

And Lord knows

They have sinning of their own anyway

Based on what little I’ve seen

Of Grey’s Anatomy

I bet Murray will fit right in

With his new demon

Oh Father, I never thought
I’d end up like this

A three-time widow

Once by suspicious poisoning

Once by suspicious car accident

And now this--

Run-of-the-mill possession

At my age

You have to wonder

If maybe love

Just isn’t for me

But as the good Lord says--

When it comes to marriage

Try until ye find a man

Who doesn’t drive you crazy

With his snoring

While you go get

Your little priest manual

And get ready

To read Murray the riot act

I’ll go warm up a brownie for him

Hopefully the demon

Will let him enjoy it

And hopefully

The Devil

Doesn’t mind

All the snoring