This Might Be It

(A hospital.  TRENTON and HOWARD sit in chairs in a waiting room.  They're mid-conversation.)           

                                                        TRENTON

--And you know, it really didn’t bother me until I thought about the fact that he’s going to be the last person to do it.  He’s going to be the last person to play Prince Hal.  The last one.  I mean, I don’t know that for sure, because, like, the world’s huge and I’m sure somewhere there could be somebody else doing Henry IV, like in London.  I think they’re legally required to always be doing Henry IV in London.  But at least around here, he’s going to be the last person to play that role.  The last one that anybody remembers anyway.

                                HOWARD

Assuming people even go.

                                TRENTON

Why wouldn’t they go?

                                HOWARD

Maybe they think that with the world ending they have better things to do than go watch a four hour play?

                                TRENTON

First of all, it’s going to be, like, six hours.  They’re doing the unabridged version and unabridged means ‘clear your day and bring a cup you can pee in because you aren’t going anywhere.’  And second of all, going to see a play is exactly what I’d want to do if the world was ending.  Theater is soothing.  Especially classical theater.

                                HOWARD

Okay, well—

                                TRENTON

But it doesn’t matter.  I didn’t get the part.  And at the time, I really didn’t care, because, like I said, people do that play all the time.  I could just wait and play it in a year when somebody else does it, but now—

                                HOWARD

Last one.

                                TRENTON

The last one.  The last time Henry IV will be performed in the greater Providence area, and Prince Hal will be played by somebody who belongs doing background work on How I Met Your Mother.

                                HOWARD

You should have auditioned for it two summers ago like you were—

                                                                   TRENTON

                                     I was working on something else.

                                                                   HOWARD

                                     The—

                                TRENTON

Solo show, yeah.  The Louis Chronicles.

                                HOWARD

I’m sorry I didn’t see it.

               

                                TRENTON

It’s okay.  Theater’s not your thing.

                                HOWARD

How did it go?

                                TRENTON

It was all right.  It was just me talking for, like, an hour.

                                HOWARD

Only you?

                                TRENTON

Yeah, it was just a giant monologue.

                                HOWARD

That must have been awkward.

                                TRENTON

People loved it.

                                HOWARD

If I want to watch somebody talk to themselves, I’ll hang out in the cereal section of Stop ‘n Shop.

                                TRENTON

What’s in the cereal section?

                                HOWARD

That’s where the weirdoes all hang out.  It’s like a magnet for crazy people.  They stand in the middle of the aisle and stare at the Frosted Flakes while they ask Janis Joplin if she wants pork chops for dinner.

                                TRENTON

And that’s the reason I go to Whole Foods.

                                HOWARD

You should have done the show two summers ago.

                                TRENTON

Yeah, well…I thought I had more time.

                                HOWARD

I told Mom about the comet.

                               

                                TRENTON

What do you mean you told her?

                                HOWARD

I told her about it.  I thought she should know.

                                TRENTON

You know, I hope you don’t talk like this to other people who aren’t aware our mother is in a coma, because I feel like you’d be misleading them.

                                HOWARD

She can hear you when you talk.

                                TRENTON

Well, if that’s true, then I feel bad for her, because we’re only here for an hour a day, and the rest of the time, she’d have to listen to the Josh Groban music coming from the nurses’ station.

                                HOWARD

What would you think of, um…uh…

                                TRENTON

What?

                                HOWARD

Turning off the machines.

               

                (Pause.)

                                TRENTON

Excuse me?

                               

                                HOWARD

I mean, how much time is left, right?  They said the comet’s going to hit around midnight so—

                                TRENTON

It might not.

                                HOWARD

Trenton—

                                TRENTON

It might not, Howard.  It might not.  It might not hit until—

                                HOWARD

It’s going to hit us.

                                TRENTON

It could be Sunday.

                                HOWARD

Fine.  It could be a Sunday.  The point is, I think we need to consider turning them off.  If we wait too long, the comet could hit and then there might not be any time.

                                TRENTON

I’m sorry, but where is all this coming from?

                                HOWARD

Trenton, the only reason she’s still hooked up to all that is because you didn’t want to accept—

                                TRENTON

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

                                HOWARD

--The possibility—

                                TRENTON

--I didn’t want to accept?

                                HOWARD

--That she—

                                TRENTON

--I didn’t?

                                HOWARD

--Isn’t going to wake up.

                                TRENTON

Wow.

                                HOWARD

But now, even if she were going to wake up, she’s sure as hell not going to wake up in the next four hours, so let’s…just unplug all that shit, you know?  Let her die with the rest of us.  With some dignity.

                                TRENTON

So the world is ending, Jesus could be coming, we may end up being judged, and you think now is a good time to murder our mother?

                               

                                HOWARD

Are you really giving me the choose life argument right now?  You’re the least religious person I know.

                               

                                TRENTON

Yeah, well, the Apocalypse does funny things to people.  Anyway, screw you.  I’m not turning them off.

                                HOWARD

You’re so selfish.

                               

                                TRENTON

How am I selfish?

                                HOWARD

Really?

                                TRENTON

Okay, I’m selfish, but how am I selfish in this particular situation?

                                HOWARD

She’s suffering.

                                                                                TRENTON

                                                You don’t know that.

                                                                                HOWARD

                                                Trent—

                                                                                TRENTON

How could you know that?  Did she whisper that in your ear during one of your many conversations?

                                HOWARD

Oh, knock it off.

                                TRENTON

Hey Mom, there’s a comet coming and the world’s going to end./ Oh, that’s too bad, honey, maybe now would be a good time to pull the plug.  Have you ever been in a coma?  Do you know for sure that it’s awful?  It could be great.  She could be having the time of her life.  And when you consider that the alternative is her suffocating—

                                HOWARD

I’m going to do it with or without you.

                                TRENTON

Like hell you are.  You need my permission.

                                HOWARD

Legally yes.  But considering that the world of man is rapidly coming to a close I’m guessing man’s law is going with it.

                                TRENTON

What are you just going to yank the cord out of the wall?

                                HOWARD

I’ll do whatever I have to do.

                                TRENTON

I’ll call security.

                                HOWARD

Go for it.  They’re going home in an hour.  Everybody’s going home.  Any of the patients that are coherent are getting taken back to wherever they live to die in peace and the rest—

                                TRENTON

And the rest?

                                HOWARD

They’re just going to leave them.

                                TRENTON

That’s awful.  That’s inhumane.

                                HOWARD

What do you want them to do, Trent?  Throw a party in the ICU with cake and streamers?

                                TRENTON

The doctors, the nurses—

                                HOWARD

You think anybody wants to spend their last few hours here?  Honestly?

                                TRENTON

So what…?

                                HOWARD

I’m going to…you know, and then when it’s all over, I’m going to put her in a car, and take her to the beach.

                                TRENTON

You’re going to take our mother’s lifeless corpse to the beach?  For what?  Doughboys and clamcakes?

                                HOWARD

Don’t be crude.

                                TRENTON

That’s disgusting.

                                HOWARD

It’s what she would want.

                               

                                TRENTON

It’s morbid, and she hated the beach.  Shows how much you know.  You love the beach.  She loves the mall.

                                HOWARD

Okay, fine, she loves the mall, but I can’t just drag her into Lord and Taylor, now can I?

                                TRENTON

This is—

                                HOWARD

Trent, this is happening, okay?  It’s happening, for real.  I know that it sucks for you because—Because you always count on there being more time.  More time to play a role.  More time to move to New York or L.A. or wherever.  More time to get off your ass and actually do something with yourself, and more time for Mom to wake up, but guess what?  There’s no more time.  And honestly, you weren’t promised anymore anyway.  Nobody guaranteed you infinity, okay?  Some of us—while you’ve been putting shit off—have actually been living like any day we could get hit by a bus.  Some of us have actually been doing shit.  I come in here every day and sit with her.  Every day.  And you don’t because you think you don’t need to, because you think one day she’ll wake up and everything will go back to normal and it’s not going to happen.  There is no more normal.  Because the truth is, yes, a comet’s coming, and we’re all screwed, but that comet hit Mom two years ago.  Her ‘End of World’ night already happened, and we’ve just been keeping her in limbo ever since.  I think it’s time—or fair, or whatever—that we give her the opportunity to…Rejoin the world.  Even if it’s for a little while.

                (A beat.)

                                TRENTON

I’ll do it.

                                HOWARD

What?

                                TRENTON

I’ll, uh…yeah, I’ll do it.

                                HOWARD

You don’t have to—

                                TRENTON

I’m the older brother.  I’m the first son.  I’ve known her for longer.  I should be the one to do it.

                                HOWARD

Do you even know how to—

                                TRENTON

Pull stuff out until everything starts beeping.  Then…wait for beeping to stop.

                                HOWARD

I should be in there with you.

                                TRENTON

No, it’s—it’s like you said.  You’ve been here every day.  It’s my turn.  You can come in and say good-bye if you want, but…no point in two sons seeing their mom die.

                                HOWARD

I said my good-byes before you got here.

                                TRENTON

Okay.

                                HOWARD

You know, I lectured you and everything, but the truth is—I kinda wanted—or thought, or…I thought maybe we had more time too.  I had hoped so, anyway.  Maybe that makes me…

                                TRENTON

Are you looking for a hug?  Is that what this is?

                (HOWARD laughs.)

                                HOWARD

My God, you’re an asshole.

                                TRENTON

Hey, if everybody starts getting sappy, the end of the world is going to look like a Folger’s coffee commercial.

                                HOWARD

So.

                                TRENTON

So, I better do this, huh?

                                HOWARD

The trick is not to feel guilty.

                                TRENTON

How do you do that?

                                HOWARD

Hell if I know.

                                TRENTON

Great.

                                HOWARD

Can we still go to the beach afterwards?

                                TRENTON

Yeah, why not?  I could use a doughboy.

                                HOWARD

I bet you would have been really great in that play.

                                TRENTON

So, when this loose behaviour I throw off,
And pay the debt I never promised,
By how much better than my word I am,
By so much shall I falsify men's hopes;
And, like bright metal on a sullen ground,
My reformation, glittering o'er my fault,
Shall show more goodly, and attract more eyes,
Than that which hath no foil to set it off.

I hope the comet hits before he gets to do that speech.

                                HOWARD

Fingers crossed.

                                TRENTON

Be right back.

                (TRENTON exits.  HOWARD sits.  He lets out a breath.  Lights.)

In the Morning

Better call a cab
No point staying here
No point at all

Better dress yourself
You'll get cold fast
The heat's turned off

And the floor is cold
And the bed is bare
And your skin is soft
And the words aren't there
To say--

Maybe I'll call you
Some other day

You better kiss me now
'Cause you won't be kissing me
In the morning

Better get a good look at me
If you ever want
To see me again

Got a rooftop
Calling my name
That's why I gotta get going

It'll be summer soon
And that's no good for me
What good is light
For those who can't see

I'm not a bad guy, I swear
And would I lie
About being a bad guy?

You remind me of...

Never mind

And the bills aren't paid
And the rent is due
And I spent my last buck
Getting drunk with you

So there's only one thing
Left to do

Better kiss me now
'Cause kissing's not a morning thing
And you may not like me very much
When you think about me
In the morning

Thank you for the pleasure
Of an evening
With somebody

Whose skin is soft
Who smiles so nice
Who feels so warm
When it's cold outside

I think this'll be
The last thing I remember

In the morning's when
I miss her more than anything

She woke up one day
And she kissed me twice
Said she'd had enough
But it'd all been nice

And she was leaving
The same way I'm leaving now

So kiss me now
Before I climb up to salvation

Move me now
Before I go all numb
And senseless

Touch me now
And then wave me away

Kiss me now
I never belonged here
Anyway

Mother on the Lifeboat

A lifeboat drifts

It’s quiet

But it’s not

I just can’t hear anything

I’m deaf

I’m numb

I keep looking forward

Waiting for the rescue ship

That should have been here at the start of all this

There are only four people in this lifeboat

Not counting myself

And my daughter

Four people, all women

All exhausted from worry

Huddled together

On the side of the boat

I think they’re praying

But I don’t want to pray

I don’t feel like it

Unfortunately, it’s not concrete enough for me

At the moment

I’d like something a little more physical

Something harder than faith and water

I haven’t given up on my religion, mind you

But at the moment, God seems like a naughty child

I still love him

I’m just not interested in speaking with him

Until I know what his punishment should be

All those lives…

And all the rest of us

Who knows how we’ll be…affected

From this point on

My little daughter is asleep in my lap

Four years old

Her father…

He put us in the lifeboat

He put us in the lifeboat

And he started to say something

And then a rope snapped

And the boat started to fall

I’m amazed we’re not all dead

My daughter was crying

And eventually she just cried herself out

What am I going to tell this little girl when she wakes up?

And what am I going to tell her

The day after that?

And the day after that?

That no boat will ever sink again?

That better plans will be put into place when boats do?

That from now on we’ll only ride on planes and automobiles

And this will mean we’re safe?

What promises can I make to my child

That won’t turn into lies?

I overheard one of the women in the boat saying

‘What is this world coming to?’

And I wanted to remind her

That people have been saying that

Since the dawn of the time

I can even imagine it being the first thing

Eve said when she found out

One of her sons had killed the other

‘You did what?  My God.  What is this world coming to?’

A hundred years from now

People might laugh about this

In this moment, it seems impossible

But time has a way of erasing sensitivity

We laugh about Lincoln’s assassination now

We laugh about the Civil War

We laugh about that child murderer

Who used to lock up his victims in his basement and…

One day my daughter will laugh about all this

And that is both a comfort

And a concern

Something tells me being a mother

Is going to mean something

Very different from now on

I have to instill caution

And spontaneity

A love of life

But a practicality

Strength, and also

Compassion

I have to give her a heart like my mother’s

My mother, the actress, who was always the best

At playing melodrama

The salt would spill

Or wine would fall on her dress

Or she’d be reading the tallies of the soldiers

Killed in the war

And she’d say

‘Dear, dear dear.  My heart is just breaking!’

One time, as a little girl, I said to her

‘Mother, I’m worried about your heart

It keeps beaking!’

She pulled me onto her lap

And said, ‘Never fear.  My heart can break a thousand times

But my spirit never will’

When the rope snapped

And the lifeboat went down

I remember looking up at my husband’s face

And feeling my heart slowly begin to crack and fall apart

But then I looked down at my daughter

And my spirit tightened

So that I felt sure

That no matter happened

We would be all right

So now we wait

And we rest

And we worry

And we cry

And we hope

And we curse

And we beg

And we shiver

And we wait and wait and wait

And it’s quiet but it’s not

‘What is this world coming to?’

I hope my daughter never has to say those words

But only time

Will tell