Martial Arts for Western Children

     (A martial arts studio.  TONY is addressing the CHILDREN.)

TONY:  --But mostly, it's about not taking advantage of your new skills.

     (CARLY raises her hand.)

TONY:  Yes, Carly?

CARLY:  When do we learn how to defend ourselves against zombies?

TONY:  Uh, well, that's not--that's not something we really teach here.

CARLY:  Do you take a more antagonistic approach to zombies?  Kill them before they kill you?

TONY:  Uh--

     (BILLY raises his hand.)

TONY:  Yes, Billy?

BILLY:  Should you look a man in the eyes while you're strangling him?

TONY:  We, uh, we don't strangle here, Billy.

BILLY:  Right, so, like, when the knife's going in him--

TONY:  No, no, no.  No knives.  Never knives.  Billy, this a martial arts class for eight-year-olds, we--

BILLY:  Sorry Sensei Tony, I'm so dumb.  I forgot we'd probably be using swords.

CARLY:  How many zombies can you impale on a sword at once?

TONY:  Uh--

     (LARISSA raises her hand.)

TONY:  Larissa, yes?

LARISSA:  Do you really think violence is the answer, Sensei Tony?

TONY:  I--in regards to what?

LARISSA:  Like what we're doing here?

TONY:  Well, martial arts isn't about violence, Larissa.  It's actually about everything but violence--

LARISSA:  Um, that's just confusing to me, because we spend a lot of time hitting each other and not a lot of time talking about the perpetuation of animosity in our culture.

CARLY:  She's going to die first when the zombies show up.

LARISSA:  I just want us to think about why we're hitting each other.

TONY:  It's much more complicated than just hitting each other, Larissa.

BILLY:  Yeah, like the sword play.

TONY:  There isn't going to be any sword play.

BILLY:  So just shove it right in and aim for the heart?

CARLY:  Zombies don't have hearts.  You'd have to shove it through their skull.

TONY:  I--Wow.

LARISSA:  Sensei Tony, what color belt do you get when you learn to mediate?

TONY:  What?

LARISSA:  I think there should be a mauve belt for when you figure out how to solve a problem without chopping somebody in half.

BILLY:  When do we learn how to chop someone in half?

CARLY:  A lot of zombies are already cut in half because their bodies are constantly decomposing.

BILLY:  Gross.

CARLY:  It's not gross.  It's science.

LARISSA:  Would getting a black belt be the easiest way for me to dismantle the system of aggression at work here?  Kind of a working-from-the-outside-in sort of thing?

TONY:  We were just going to kicks today.

BILLY:  In the throat?

CARLY:  Sensei Tony, have you ever kicked a zombie?  Their skin is essentially paper.  Your foot is going to go in one end and out the other.  I just don't think it's wise.

TONY:  Carly, zombies aren't real!

     (A beat.)

CARLY:  I would like to speak to your manager.

TONY:  I own this place, Carly.

CARLY:  My mother is not paying you every week so that you can sit here and tell me that climate change isn't real.

TONY:  Climate change is real.  Zombies aren't.

CARLY:  I fail to see the difference.

TONY:  You don't see the difference between global warming and the undead walking among us?

BILLY:  You bring up a good point, Sensei Tony.  With food scarcity on the horizon, we might want to dispense with your little girly kicks--

LARISSA:  Oh, that terminology is--

BILLY:  --And get right to crushing people's windpipes.

TONY:  That's not what we teach here, Billy.

BILLY:  Okay, we'll do it Larissa's way.  First we'll talk to them and then do some deep breathing and on their last inhale, we punch them in the throat.  Sound good?

LARISSA:  I'm willing to negotiate.

TONY:  Seriously?

LARISSA:  I'm not a wrecking ball, Sensei Tony.  I didn't come here to blow up the house--

TONY:  That's not what wrecking balls--

LARISSA:  --I came here to take it apart brick-by-brick.  I'm eight-and-a-half.  I've got nothing but time, and my Dad pays for these lessons, so--

CARLY:  I still can't believe you're trying to convince us there aren't any zombies.

TONY:  Carly, have you ever seen a zombie?

CARLY:  In the wild, no?

TONY:  In the--

BILLY:  Sensei Tony, I agree with you when you say that there's only a seventy percent chance zombies are real--

TONY:  Those numbers are--

BILLY:  But we're all here today because we like to be prepared for anything.

LARISSA:  That's true.  It's why I'm so disappointed you don't offer reiki.

BILLY:  Sensei Tony, we're growing up in a terrifying world.  I think it's great that you want to teach us to be responsible with our innate destructive instincts, but--

TONY:  Didn't say innate--

BILLY:  --But really, we need to know about survival.

TONY:  Billy, that's not what martial arts is about.

LARISSA:  So it's not about murdering people with machetes--

BILLY:  It's not?

LARISSA:  And it's not about how you can take down a terrorist using acupuncture--

BILLY:  Well, yeah, they're just little needles.  One in the eye and--

LARISSA:  Sensei Tony, you're on the fence.  And as Dr. King once said, "Get off the fence, Sensei Tony."

     (CARLY raises her hand.)

CARLY:  May I speak?

TONY:  I really wish you wouldn't, but--

CARLY:  Sensei Tony, I didn't want to bring this up, but people have told me that your brother-in-law is a zombie.

TONY:  I'm an only child.

CARLY:  Be that as it may, if you teaching us to murder zombies presents a conflict of interest--

TONY:  Okay, everybody line up.

BILLY:  Why?

TONY:  We're going to do a more advanced exercise.  I typically wait until much later to do it, but I really just want you all to shut up.

LARISSA:  You think showing us some trick is going to get us to--

TONY:  I can teach you how to chop wood in half.

     (The CHILDREN gasp.)

BILLY:  For real?

CARLY:  Real wood?

LARISSA:  Is it locally sourced?  Was the tree already dead when you took its soul from it?  Can you take a video of me doing it so I can show my dad?

TONY:  Works every time.

     The End

Blue

Put a shell up to your ear

If you’re just going to stand there

Stand there

Or go swimming

Go swimming

Or go to the ocean

Go to the ocean

Or ask me a question

Ask me a question

Or kiss me

Kiss me or go harder

Go harder or go home

See what the shell says

See what it tells you

You worried 1971 is going to be

Like last year

Like the year before?

They’re not making anymore of us

These days

We’re not a dying breed

But we’re not a bountiful breed either

Rent hasn’t been paid

On this house

In two months

Must be because

We opened the door one day

And moved out

Whoever lives here

Would charge us

God knows what

If they knew we were here

What are the odds?

A house on the beach

Furnished

Cans in the pantry

And towels in the closet

All empty

All for the taking

Something tells me

If we stay an extra day

Longer than we should

The front door will pop open

And a lovely family will come in

And ask us what the heck we’re doing

Living in their beautiful

Winter beach house

See, we see something

And think we know how it is

And what it should be used for

But somewhere in another part of the world

There’s somebody would see it

Better than we ever could

Better than we ever could

I know you’re thinking

That next year

Won’t be much to speak of

But we might get another year

After that

And we could try preparing

For it now

Or we could bar the door

And hope that family never shows up

And this isn’t a beautiful winter beach home at all

But a year-round empty house

Meant for stragglers like us

Who just needed a place to stay

After the city got to be too much

And they ran out of typewriter ribbon

Write your name in the sand

Or forget your name

Forget your name

Forget where you are

Forget where you are

Forget who I am

Forget who I am

And then what do I do?

Go back?
Go back without you?

Oceans are only blue

In some parts of the world, you know

The kind of blue you see
In a children’s book

Everywhere else

They’re more green

Or they’re dark

Or they’re white with crisp

Navy edges

Here they were blue for awhile

But that was when we first got here

And we thought we were lucky

Now we know we are

But now the blue’s gone

And the dream begins

The part of the dream

Where you think you’re dreaming

But you don’t want to find out

If you’re right

That’s the blue

You try to live in

You try to live in it

For as long

As you can

Children and Robots

Of course we knew

There might be some issues

With letting the robots

Raise the children

But what was the alternative?

Daycare now costs more

Than housing a pony

And neither Chet nor I

Have any extended family

So what were our options?

They have these robots

Expressly for the purpose

Of watching small children

And yes, we would have loved

For our children to not be part of

The first generation

Raised by robots, but time

Was not on our side
In this instance

And

AND

There had been zero instances

Of child harm or abuse

Regarding the robots

The worst thing that had happened

In the two years since Sitterbots were created

Was that one of them malfunctioned

And only spoke to the child in French

So the baby grew up bilingual!

Even the mistakes ended up

Being pluses

We assumed that if anything bad happened

It would of the violent nature

It never occurred to us that…

That we would wind up with children

Who are--

Well, Tonic is seventeen now

And California is fifteen

And they’re both

Well…

They’re soulless

They have…

They have absolutely no soul

Whatsoever

They’re not evil, it’s not that

They just don’t have any empathy

Which, I suppose, would make them sociopaths,

Except even sociopaths have the ability

To fake being human

Whereas they seem incapable

Or unwilling

To even put on a show of it

You might think it was natural

For something like this to happen

But our children only spent

A few hours a day

Four days a week

With the Sitterbots

Chet even took Friday’s off

And we were with them

Every minute we weren’t working

I just don’t understand

How the robots could have had

This much of a lasting impact

And it’s not just us

Every child is exhibiting some kind of

Detachment

And appears prone to isolation

The doctors say it might not be the Sitterbots

But that it could be something the kids got

From us

Which is preposterous

What could we possibly have done

That--

Hang on

I need to respond to this email

One moment

. . . . .

Thank you

I was saying

We were very loving parents

Very attentive

Those children were never without clothes

Or food

Or affection

I--One second

. . . . .

God, I--

I’m sorry

I have to deal with this

It’s--

I’ve been going back and forth

With this guy in New Florida

Who thinks the Olsen twins

Should get to share the Presidency

And we’ve been fighting for hours

While I try to--

God, I wish there were robots

For fighting with people online, right?

That would be a game-changer

But I guess there are some things

You just have to do

Yourself

No Small Roles

So what I do is

I stand over here

And when it’s time
I sing the chorus

With the lead

I don’t know if I have a name

I call myself Teresa

But that’s just a choice on my part

I don’t have my own song

Or lines

I mainly stand near this wall

Or sit in that chair

And then get up

And go over to that wall

The other day I was reacting

Like, really reacting

To what the main person was saying

And I felt weird all of a sudden like--

Why am I reacting

So much to this?

I need to pull back

So I pulled way back

But then when the song started

I was a little late

Getting up from the chair

To move to the wall
And everybody kind of felt it

So then when I went home that night
I got into bed

And the Lord spoke to me

And said--

Um, so, it’s no big deal
But, um, you were kind of--

And I said--

No, no, I get it

I totally get it

I can’t do that

I’m sorry
I was just really reacting to--

And the Lord was like--

It’s really fine

Honestly

Happens all the time

It’s just Lead Person

Is Super Important

And we really need

To support Lead Person

In order to not upset

The Great Balance

But, like, you’re also very important

In your own way

But your importance lives in, like,

How you get up from the chair

And how you chime in

When everybody else is singing

I listened and tried not to make excuses

But I also felt as though
I was being spoken down to

Because everybody knows

That even if I sit in the chair and don’t move

Or stand by the wall, picking at my cuticles,

It doesn’t really matter

Because if anybody’s paying attention to me

It’s because they’re bored

And if they’re bored

That’s not my fault

That’s Lead Person’s fault

And I know I should have pride in my life

But my life mainly consists of opening my eyes every day

To find that I’m standing in a musical

Where the music is written

For other people to sing

Sometimes I sing different words under my breath
While the Lead Person is singing
But one time, Guy Near Window caught me

And gave me the dirtiest look

So I stopped doing it

But I also chose to make him somebody
Living with a weird birthmark

Shaped like Tunisia

Just because I was angry

It doesn’t mean he has the birthmark

I’m not the Lord

I don’t speak to people at night

To tell them how they did that day

Oh, BUT the Lord only talks to you

If how you did that day
Was bad

The Lord says that there’s no time

To talk to everyone

Every night

Just to tell them they did the right thing that day

And that doing the right thing

Should be enough of a reward

Without a personal message from the Lord
Saying how proud they are of you

But, like, they’re the LORD

How can they say they can’t do something?
I think it’s more about them not wanting

To do something

I hear they talk to Lead Person

And Second Lead Person
And even Third Lead Person

Every single night

And that makes me so mad

I can’t even tell you

It makes me so mad

That sometimes I want to mess up

In such a way

That not only will the Lord talk to me

To chastise me

But they’ll REALLY talk to me

They’ll ask me

Why I got up during the song

And stepped in front of Lead Person

And sang my own song

That nobody’s ever heard before

And that doesn’t even sound good

Because it’s too difficult for someone

Like me to sing

I don’t know what I’ll say

When that happens

If it ever happens

Which it won’t

Because I’m never going

To be brave enough

To do it

But…

I think about it

Sometimes I think about it

While everyone else is singing

And all I’m doing is moving my lips

But nothing’s

Coming

Out