All the Parties I’m Not Going To

I’m not going to the party

On the boat

I have no interest

In a boat party

I have no idea

What they’re celebrating

On the boat

And I have no intention

Of finding out

Did I say I would go?

Sure

Will I go?

Not a chance

Will anybody notice?

I guess it depends

On how big the boat is

Sometimes I think about

All the parties
I’m not going to

But the more I think about them

The more I consider going to them

And in my experience

Going to them

Usually results

In me

Wanting to go home

So why not just stay home?

Cut out the middle part

Makes all the sense

In the world to me

I’m not going to the birthday party

Because it makes me think

Of how time marches on

And we’re all just baby-puking our way

Towards death

I’m not going to the engagement party

Because statistically

That couple is not going to make it

I’m not going to the retirement party

Because I can’t retire

Because by the time I’m old enough to retire

The retirement age won’t exist

And we’ll all just be dying at our desks

Like 1984 meets Dilbert

I do go places

I’m not a shut-in

It’s just that the places I go

Are places where I don’t have to talk to anybody

Or look at anyone

Or smile

Or stand up for a prolonged period of time

And Yankee Candle

I like Yankee Candle

Now, some might ask if I’m...happy

To that I would say--

People at parties aren’t happy

They’re just at parties

They’re out

Unless it’s their party

In which case

They’re hiding in a guest bathroom

Praying for an aneurysm

They’re around other people

They’re laughing

They’re telling stories

They’re listening to stories

And all of this

Seems healthier

Than sitting at home

Arguing with people on Twitter

About which of the Brady kids

Was the stupidest

...Bobby, obviously

But the truth is

There is nothing wrong

With bypassing parties

As long as people still like you enough

To invite you to them

That means you still have society ties

And as long as you do

You’re fine

Whether or not you engage

With those, uh, ties

Isn’t really all that important

It just matters that they’re there

And refusing them

Shows that you can be alone

With your thoughts

Which means you’re mentally sound

And the red wine you’re drinking

Means...something good

About, uh, blood pressure

I don’t know

I’m not a scientist

What I am

Is a very content individual

With two small dogs

Named after Greg and Peter

And NOT Bobby

And a lot of friends

Who I love very much

And see twice a year

Provided I don’t have a headache

That day

Listen, it could be worse

If you think about it

It could be a lot

Worse