There are gratitudes to be had
So many gratitudes
But there amongst the gratitudes
Are the small surrenders
I used to cook for myself
Only for myself
Now I cook with other people in mind
And so I cook differently
You do things differently
When it's just not you
You're concerned for
I watch different programs now
I used to enjoy watching nonsense
Shows with non-celebrities
Arguing about which one of them
Is the most insufferable
Now I watch things of quality
I read only things of quality
I eat much better than I used to
Again, the cooking
And this all adds to me having
A much better life
Plus, I'm in love
So there's that
Love, when done right
Does tend to add points
To your overall life score
But the small surrenders...
You let them go
You concede them
And because they're small
You don't make too much of a fuss about it
You sort of...
Put them down
The way you would a small boat
In a river
And you watch them float away
And if you love someone
--And yes, it can be hard to tell sometimes
Very hard, but--
If you do
Then you go to bed at night
And you look at this person
Lying next to you
And you think--
What wouldn't I surrender for you?
What wouldn't I give up?
Everything to the point of myself, really
If it meant keeping you a day longer
Than what I'm eventually going to be given
When it comes right down to it
Everything is small
But that feeling you have for each other
That deep, resounding pull
Towards each other
To each other
Against each other
Everything else down the river
And if you walk away from it
From that debris
That compromised what you believed to be
Components of your identity
If you step and step and step again
And don't
Look
Back
Don't even feel the urge
To look back
Then, well...
Then you know you've found
That thing that everybody's looking for
Then you know
That you really didn't lose anything
At all
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
The Moon, The Tree, The Yard, and The Ladder
I see you're awake, Miss Eliza
That's fine, Mommy's awake too
I'm using these bi-hourly feedings
To get some reading done
Because of you
Mommy might be the only person in the entire world
Who has read the New Yorker
From cover to cover
Even the book reviews
Which are longer than the books
They're reviewing
All right, all right
Enough upper-class whining
Why don't I tell you a story?
Something boring
That'll soothe you back into sleeping
For at least twenty minutes
While I do this new thing I've learned
I think it's called 'crying from sheer exhaustion'
Well, anyway, once upon a time
Mommy was a teenage girl
Just like you're going to be one day
God help me
And she had a room that she shared with her older sister
Your Aunt Katherine
Until Katherine went to college
And then your Mommy had the whole room to herself
And she
Was
Thrilled
Her room overlooked the backyard
And there was this gorgeous tree
The kind of tree you build a treehouse in
But your grandfather never did
Because he had four daughters and no sons
And none of us were interested in climbing trees
Not even your Aunt Sarah
Who used to climb up on the roof
And jump off onto whatever looked bounciest
Aunt Sarah also happens to be the reason your grandmother
Takes anti-anxiety medication
So there's this big gorgeous tree
And every night, the moon would come out
And the moonlight would go through the branches of the tree
And there was a little ladder up against it, the tree
For absolutely no reason
Again, no tree house
Your grandfather just liked the way the ladder looked
Up against the tree
I liked it too
Especially the day I looked out the window
And saw your father
Sitting in that tree
He was the cutest boy in school
And I was the loudest girl
Every day I'd yell at him from across the hall
Asking him when he was going to ask me out
And he'd sort of...scurry away
Like a cowardly insect
Until finally I gave up on him
Then one night, he showed up
Sitting in that tree
No guitar
A guitar would have been nice
I told him that
Later
I said, 'What? You couldn't learn to play guitar for me?'
But I was just teasing
Sort of
Eliza, I hope one day
A boy you love
Before you know you love him
Shows up at night
Under the moon
Sitting in a tree
A tree with a ladder up against it
And I hope he takes that ladder
And moves it
Places it right underneath your window
And climbs up the ladder
Right up to your bedroom
Just to give you a kiss
And when he does--
I'll be waiting
For him
And he and I will have a nice chat
Then thirty years later
The two of you can get married
And have a little girl of your own
And you can tell her
All about it
That's fine, Mommy's awake too
I'm using these bi-hourly feedings
To get some reading done
Because of you
Mommy might be the only person in the entire world
Who has read the New Yorker
From cover to cover
Even the book reviews
Which are longer than the books
They're reviewing
All right, all right
Enough upper-class whining
Why don't I tell you a story?
Something boring
That'll soothe you back into sleeping
For at least twenty minutes
While I do this new thing I've learned
I think it's called 'crying from sheer exhaustion'
Well, anyway, once upon a time
Mommy was a teenage girl
Just like you're going to be one day
God help me
And she had a room that she shared with her older sister
Your Aunt Katherine
Until Katherine went to college
And then your Mommy had the whole room to herself
And she
Was
Thrilled
Her room overlooked the backyard
And there was this gorgeous tree
The kind of tree you build a treehouse in
But your grandfather never did
Because he had four daughters and no sons
And none of us were interested in climbing trees
Not even your Aunt Sarah
Who used to climb up on the roof
And jump off onto whatever looked bounciest
Aunt Sarah also happens to be the reason your grandmother
Takes anti-anxiety medication
So there's this big gorgeous tree
And every night, the moon would come out
And the moonlight would go through the branches of the tree
And there was a little ladder up against it, the tree
For absolutely no reason
Again, no tree house
Your grandfather just liked the way the ladder looked
Up against the tree
I liked it too
Especially the day I looked out the window
And saw your father
Sitting in that tree
He was the cutest boy in school
And I was the loudest girl
Every day I'd yell at him from across the hall
Asking him when he was going to ask me out
And he'd sort of...scurry away
Like a cowardly insect
Until finally I gave up on him
Then one night, he showed up
Sitting in that tree
No guitar
A guitar would have been nice
I told him that
Later
I said, 'What? You couldn't learn to play guitar for me?'
But I was just teasing
Sort of
Eliza, I hope one day
A boy you love
Before you know you love him
Shows up at night
Under the moon
Sitting in a tree
A tree with a ladder up against it
And I hope he takes that ladder
And moves it
Places it right underneath your window
And climbs up the ladder
Right up to your bedroom
Just to give you a kiss
And when he does--
I'll be waiting
For him
And he and I will have a nice chat
Then thirty years later
The two of you can get married
And have a little girl of your own
And you can tell her
All about it
Monday, January 27, 2014
The Ghosts of Malibu
The beach here is so pretty
And they wonder why we died
They sent us to Heaven
And then made us go back to Earth
And told us not to miss it
And how could we not?
How could we not miss all of this?
Toes in the water
Toes in the sand
Walks through tall grass
Guidelines, structure
But no rules, not really
Not once you're over the hump
Getting to wear white
No matter what time of year it is
And sandals
Or nothing at all
Just bare feet
They let us come here
And turn into new people
And they tell us
It's the people we've been all along
But we know that's not true
We know we're broken
And that this place becomes glue
It patches up the holes
But the holes don't close up
They put as many band-aids over them as they can
And then they ship you back out
To the concrete
And the humidity
And rain
No matter where you're from
It rains more
Than it ever rains here
And it's a hard rain too
Not like the pitter patter
Not like the soft lull that puts you to sleep
Even in the middle of the day
You wake up and you're in an uncomfortable bed
Maybe on a floor, maybe somebody's couch
You're sweating, you look around
You find a window, you stick your head out of it
Expecting to smell the beach air
Instead you just see a street filled with garbage
Or little kids on tricycles with no parents watching them
You tug at your clothes, they don't fit
You step on something, a pill bottle
You swear, you feel dirty
You take a shower, you feel worse
It's...
It's like you're being punished
For getting better
So you...
Well, it's a shameful thing to admit, but you do
You give up
You fall back
Back to where you left off
And then you fall back even further
Until one day you close your eyes
And when you open them
You're back here
Exactly where you wanted to be
And you're sad
Because you know it's over
You lost the war
You lost the battle
You lost yourself
And you let so many people down
But there's nothing you can do about it
Except hope that one day they'll be here with you
On a hill
Looking out, over a beach
Feeling like you should have just stayed here
Feeling like...
You never should have left
And they wonder why we died
They sent us to Heaven
And then made us go back to Earth
And told us not to miss it
And how could we not?
How could we not miss all of this?
Toes in the water
Toes in the sand
Walks through tall grass
Guidelines, structure
But no rules, not really
Not once you're over the hump
Getting to wear white
No matter what time of year it is
And sandals
Or nothing at all
Just bare feet
They let us come here
And turn into new people
And they tell us
It's the people we've been all along
But we know that's not true
We know we're broken
And that this place becomes glue
It patches up the holes
But the holes don't close up
They put as many band-aids over them as they can
And then they ship you back out
To the concrete
And the humidity
And rain
No matter where you're from
It rains more
Than it ever rains here
And it's a hard rain too
Not like the pitter patter
Not like the soft lull that puts you to sleep
Even in the middle of the day
You wake up and you're in an uncomfortable bed
Maybe on a floor, maybe somebody's couch
You're sweating, you look around
You find a window, you stick your head out of it
Expecting to smell the beach air
Instead you just see a street filled with garbage
Or little kids on tricycles with no parents watching them
You tug at your clothes, they don't fit
You step on something, a pill bottle
You swear, you feel dirty
You take a shower, you feel worse
It's...
It's like you're being punished
For getting better
So you...
Well, it's a shameful thing to admit, but you do
You give up
You fall back
Back to where you left off
And then you fall back even further
Until one day you close your eyes
And when you open them
You're back here
Exactly where you wanted to be
And you're sad
Because you know it's over
You lost the war
You lost the battle
You lost yourself
And you let so many people down
But there's nothing you can do about it
Except hope that one day they'll be here with you
On a hill
Looking out, over a beach
Feeling like you should have just stayed here
Feeling like...
You never should have left
If You're Invading, Please Fill Out This Form
Name, age, race
Kingdom of origin
Only applicable if not a wandering horde
If a wandering horde
Where did you wander last
And/or what was the last village you sacked?
Are you interested in pillaging and plundering
Or merely pillaging?
Would you describe yourselves as distinctly angry
Or just entitled?
How long, on average, does it take you
To sack a village?
Do you feel the need to burn everything to the ground
Once you're done
Or do you prefer to occupy for a few months
And enjoy the spoils of your victory?
If you occupy, would you be interested in marrying some of our daughters
And unwed women?
We're known, in this village, for having a bit of an over-eating epidemic
And so our girls are a bit on the larger side
Which, in turn, makes it rather impossible to marry them off to the boys from the kingdom
So if you could take one or two of them off our hands
We'd be very grateful
Please don't feel that you need to live with them here
You can take them with you
When you go marauding
To be honest, we'd insist on it
Our food supply is diminishing by the minute
Also, are you intimidated by aggressive women?
In addition to being rather large
Our girls are also, for some inexplicable reason
Rather...amorous
They've been known to drag men kicking and screaming into their huts
And not let them out for hours on end
When the poor men do finally emerge
They look as if they've seen the Ghost of Princess Constance
And they walk with a pronounced limp
For days afterwards
We just thought we'd warn you
Before you go storming the gates
So to speak
We don't actually have gates
They were stolen from us by the last band of thieves
Along with all our currency
And most of our goats
You aren't looking for goats, are you?
We wouldn't want you to get your hopes up
We do have a cow
But she's very old
And she only has one leg
You see there was this incident with the--
Well, sign here if you'd like a copy of the incident report
Involving a cow
It'll take the Village Recorder a week or so to write it out
As it was a complicated and ultimately quite tragic situation
If not somewhat humorous as well
We'd ask that you not take the cow
Not because we get any use out of her
But because she doesn't travel well
She gets very sick and--
Well, there's the missing leg of course
If you're interested in speaking to our leader
To negotiate some sort of settlement
Or the terms listed in the contract
Attached to this form
Which you can read or not
Most of us haven't
But that's only because we don't want to read
Anyway, if you want to talk to our leader
Check the box, and we'll elect one
We haven't had a need for one in years
Since the band of thieves came through
You see, without currency, livestock
Or any sort of valuables
We've sort of just been ambling along
Waiting to die off
Not that we're not a fun group!
We're a bucket of laughs
When you get us at the right time
And we're sure the right time will be
Whenever you decide to invade
At this point, an invasion would actually be the only thing
That would stop us from fading into oblivion
We're hoping you'll either absorb all of us into your horde
Or just kill us and put us out of our misery
If you'd like to kill us and put us out of our misery
Please initial here
We look forward to your arrival
And we ask that you not make too much noise
If you happen to show up after nine pm
When the large women pass out every night
After dining on whatever they can get their hands on
And making love to all the eligible tiny men of the village
We're sure you're a terrifying bunch of hooligans
But take our word for it, please--
Do not wake up those women
Kingdom of origin
Only applicable if not a wandering horde
If a wandering horde
Where did you wander last
And/or what was the last village you sacked?
Are you interested in pillaging and plundering
Or merely pillaging?
Would you describe yourselves as distinctly angry
Or just entitled?
How long, on average, does it take you
To sack a village?
Do you feel the need to burn everything to the ground
Once you're done
Or do you prefer to occupy for a few months
And enjoy the spoils of your victory?
If you occupy, would you be interested in marrying some of our daughters
And unwed women?
We're known, in this village, for having a bit of an over-eating epidemic
And so our girls are a bit on the larger side
Which, in turn, makes it rather impossible to marry them off to the boys from the kingdom
So if you could take one or two of them off our hands
We'd be very grateful
Please don't feel that you need to live with them here
You can take them with you
When you go marauding
To be honest, we'd insist on it
Our food supply is diminishing by the minute
Also, are you intimidated by aggressive women?
In addition to being rather large
Our girls are also, for some inexplicable reason
Rather...amorous
They've been known to drag men kicking and screaming into their huts
And not let them out for hours on end
When the poor men do finally emerge
They look as if they've seen the Ghost of Princess Constance
And they walk with a pronounced limp
For days afterwards
We just thought we'd warn you
Before you go storming the gates
So to speak
We don't actually have gates
They were stolen from us by the last band of thieves
Along with all our currency
And most of our goats
You aren't looking for goats, are you?
We wouldn't want you to get your hopes up
We do have a cow
But she's very old
And she only has one leg
You see there was this incident with the--
Well, sign here if you'd like a copy of the incident report
Involving a cow
It'll take the Village Recorder a week or so to write it out
As it was a complicated and ultimately quite tragic situation
If not somewhat humorous as well
We'd ask that you not take the cow
Not because we get any use out of her
But because she doesn't travel well
She gets very sick and--
Well, there's the missing leg of course
If you're interested in speaking to our leader
To negotiate some sort of settlement
Or the terms listed in the contract
Attached to this form
Which you can read or not
Most of us haven't
But that's only because we don't want to read
Anyway, if you want to talk to our leader
Check the box, and we'll elect one
We haven't had a need for one in years
Since the band of thieves came through
You see, without currency, livestock
Or any sort of valuables
We've sort of just been ambling along
Waiting to die off
Not that we're not a fun group!
We're a bucket of laughs
When you get us at the right time
And we're sure the right time will be
Whenever you decide to invade
At this point, an invasion would actually be the only thing
That would stop us from fading into oblivion
We're hoping you'll either absorb all of us into your horde
Or just kill us and put us out of our misery
If you'd like to kill us and put us out of our misery
Please initial here
We look forward to your arrival
And we ask that you not make too much noise
If you happen to show up after nine pm
When the large women pass out every night
After dining on whatever they can get their hands on
And making love to all the eligible tiny men of the village
We're sure you're a terrifying bunch of hooligans
But take our word for it, please--
Do not wake up those women
Stranger Things Have Happened
The first person I ever kissed
Was Anthony
Oh, don't call him Tony
God forbid
He does not like being called Tony
He's Anthony
Got it?
Okay
So--
I kissed him when I was eight
We were kids
We were goofy
Goofy kids
And we were best friends
And one time he was chasing me around my backyard
And he was yelling 'I'm going to kiss you like a girl'
And I was yelling 'Nooooooooo!'
But he caught me
He held me down
And he laid one on me
Closed lips, but still--
My first kiss
Okay, got that?
Now--
Thirty-five years later
I'm playing at a bar
I play piano
This woman and I
Who I used to be married to
She sings, I play
We were a terrible couple
But we're a hell of an act
So one night, I'm playing
She's singing
And I look out in the crowd
...And there's Anthony
I haven't seen him in...
But I know
I know it's him
And he knows it's me
Because he waves to me
And, well, I can't wave back
I'm playing piano after all
But I sort of smile and nod my head
And he mouths the word 'Later'
To let me know he'll stick around
After the show
So we finish the show
My ex-wife goes home with her new husband
A rather short man
Who I'm not un-fond of
And I get a drink with Anthony at the bar
We talk, we catch up
I mean, hell, we get to know each other
It's been thirty-five years
This person is a stranger
I don't know him
And yet--I know him
And--and this is crazy, believe me, I know
But--
I'd missed him
I had
I'd missed him
Maybe because I missed my childhood
Maybe because of the protection awarded to nostalgia
Maybe because he knew me before the three failed marriages
And the slight addiction to prescription drugs
And the beer gut
And the bad eyesight
And the teenage son who calls me 'Senor Fuckface' in public
Who knows?
But I missed him
I walked him back to his hotel
And we exchanged good-bye's
Realizing that, even in this age of social media
And constant contact
We'd probably never see each other again
And I kissed him
Closed lips
Very sweet, very simple
I kissed him
He kissed me back
We hugged
I wished him well
And that was that
You know, when I was eight, I wasn't gay
I wasn't straight either
When you're eight, you're not anything
You're just wonderful
And then life comes in
And you start being given things that you are
--A son, a husband, a father, a musician, an asshole, a divorcee, a man--
You are all those things
And each of those things
Have their own meanings
And their own rules
And you play by the rules
And you fall neatly into the box
That you have built
Simply by living your life
But sometimes...sometimes
You say--Fuck the box
And you step outside it
And you see someone you know
Someone you miss
And you just want to celebrate the fact
That both of you knew each other
Before you went
Inside the box
And that's what that kiss was
If you think that makes me gay
That's okay
It doesn't bother me
I've been called a lot of things in my life
'Gay' would hardly be one of the worst
And who knows?
Maybe it wouldn't even be all that inaccurate
Depending on your definition of the word
I did kiss a man
I did like it
I doubt it could have led to sex
But had it
I might have liked that too
You know, I'm at a point in my life
Where, gloriously, I just don't care
What anybody thinks about what I do
Or who I am
Or who I kiss
Or love
Or miss
And if you take anything from me
If there's something to take from it
Then it's this--
Don't wait thirty-five years
To stop giving a shit
If you see somebody out there in the crowd
Somebody you thought you'd never see again
Who made you happy to be you
Then you stop what you're doing
You walk out there
And you kiss that person
Right on the lips
Why not, right?
Why the hell not?
Was Anthony
Oh, don't call him Tony
God forbid
He does not like being called Tony
He's Anthony
Got it?
Okay
So--
I kissed him when I was eight
We were kids
We were goofy
Goofy kids
And we were best friends
And one time he was chasing me around my backyard
And he was yelling 'I'm going to kiss you like a girl'
And I was yelling 'Nooooooooo!'
But he caught me
He held me down
And he laid one on me
Closed lips, but still--
My first kiss
Okay, got that?
Now--
Thirty-five years later
I'm playing at a bar
I play piano
This woman and I
Who I used to be married to
She sings, I play
We were a terrible couple
But we're a hell of an act
So one night, I'm playing
She's singing
And I look out in the crowd
...And there's Anthony
I haven't seen him in...
But I know
I know it's him
And he knows it's me
Because he waves to me
And, well, I can't wave back
I'm playing piano after all
But I sort of smile and nod my head
And he mouths the word 'Later'
To let me know he'll stick around
After the show
So we finish the show
My ex-wife goes home with her new husband
A rather short man
Who I'm not un-fond of
And I get a drink with Anthony at the bar
We talk, we catch up
I mean, hell, we get to know each other
It's been thirty-five years
This person is a stranger
I don't know him
And yet--I know him
And--and this is crazy, believe me, I know
But--
I'd missed him
I had
I'd missed him
Maybe because I missed my childhood
Maybe because of the protection awarded to nostalgia
Maybe because he knew me before the three failed marriages
And the slight addiction to prescription drugs
And the beer gut
And the bad eyesight
And the teenage son who calls me 'Senor Fuckface' in public
Who knows?
But I missed him
I walked him back to his hotel
And we exchanged good-bye's
Realizing that, even in this age of social media
And constant contact
We'd probably never see each other again
And I kissed him
Closed lips
Very sweet, very simple
I kissed him
He kissed me back
We hugged
I wished him well
And that was that
You know, when I was eight, I wasn't gay
I wasn't straight either
When you're eight, you're not anything
You're just wonderful
And then life comes in
And you start being given things that you are
--A son, a husband, a father, a musician, an asshole, a divorcee, a man--
You are all those things
And each of those things
Have their own meanings
And their own rules
And you play by the rules
And you fall neatly into the box
That you have built
Simply by living your life
But sometimes...sometimes
You say--Fuck the box
And you step outside it
And you see someone you know
Someone you miss
And you just want to celebrate the fact
That both of you knew each other
Before you went
Inside the box
And that's what that kiss was
If you think that makes me gay
That's okay
It doesn't bother me
I've been called a lot of things in my life
'Gay' would hardly be one of the worst
And who knows?
Maybe it wouldn't even be all that inaccurate
Depending on your definition of the word
I did kiss a man
I did like it
I doubt it could have led to sex
But had it
I might have liked that too
You know, I'm at a point in my life
Where, gloriously, I just don't care
What anybody thinks about what I do
Or who I am
Or who I kiss
Or love
Or miss
And if you take anything from me
If there's something to take from it
Then it's this--
Don't wait thirty-five years
To stop giving a shit
If you see somebody out there in the crowd
Somebody you thought you'd never see again
Who made you happy to be you
Then you stop what you're doing
You walk out there
And you kiss that person
Right on the lips
Why not, right?
Why the hell not?
Seeing If I Can
He lived down the hall from me
And he was a real bitch
And I mean a bitch
Not an asshole
Always making comments
About the girls I had going in and out
Yeah, I felt like saying, so what?
I'm in grad school
I gotta do something to stop myself
From taking a nosedive off the roof
Sometimes he'd be out in the courtyard
Wearing this little bathing suit
Thinking he was so fucking hot
And I'd want to just pour cold water
All over him
He was okay-looking, I guess
I mean, I'm not really an authority on the subject
But he was way too cocky
And that's a turn-off
I mean, it would be for me
If I was someone considering him for, you know
My attention
But he managed to get a new guy about once a week
I mean, not like me with the girls
There was one week
Where I was doing two different girls a night
And having a third one bring me breakfast in the morning
And I'm not saying that like I'm proud of it
I'm not some cock-of-the-walk or whatever
I'm just mentioning it
Because I could tell that little fucker
Thought he was such hot shit
And I was just getting all these girls
Because they were desperate or chubby or whatever
And yeah, some of them were--desperate, not chubby
But so what?
You mean to tell me
All of the guys he had at his place
Were ten out of ten's?
I fuckin' doubt it
One night he's got some guy over
And I'm horny as hell
I have a huge exam the next day
And I can't focus
Because my balls are practically exploding
It'd been, like, two days since I'd gotten any
And I couldn't find anything decent on the Internet
To jerk off to
So I'm sitting there in my living room
And I can hear this fucker going at it
Clear as a bell
So I wait, thinking of the other neighbors will, like
Call the cops or something
But no
Nothing
Finally, I've had enough
I go down the hall
I knock on the door
He opens it
Totally naked
Probably thinking he can get a rise
Out of whoever it is coming to complain
I felt like saying 'Nice try. I see my own dick everyday. You think I give a shit if I have to look at yours?'
But instead I asked him to keep it down
And I was polite and everything
I told him I just needed to study
'Well,' he said, 'Then maybe you should invest in some headphones.'
He started to close the door
But I put my hand on it
And pushed back
Right away, he looked nervous
Like I was going to punch the little asshole or something
Like I'm some kind of goon
Ready to do a hate crime
I didn't hate the fucker because he was gay
I hated him because he was a fucker
I'm getting an Psychology degree by the way
In case you were wondering
Human Behavior
I'm a fucking scholar
So don't think just because I'm swear I'm ignorant, all right?
I'm standing there holding the door open
And we start getting into it
Back and forth about courtesy
And him telling me to get my hand off his door
Or he was going to something something
After about a minute, this guy pops up in the doorway
About the same age as the fucker
All dressed, but you could tell he'd been getting dressed when I knocked
Probably thought he was going to have to make a quick exit
He says--'Should I go?'
And the fucker starts telling him
Go back to the bedroom
Get undressed
I'm just the asshole neighbor down the hall
Who thinks he's the shit
And I'm listening to him thinking
Man--and honestly, this might be the least homophobic
Or, like, most anti-homophobic thought I've ever had in my life
I thought to myself--
This guy
Is just
Like me
But like, parallel Universe Me
Like, the Me I would be if I were gay
And I thought--Wow, okay
So--this has the potential
To be a really interesting
Social experiment
So I look at the fucker
And I say to him--
'Send that guy home'
And he looks at me like 'What?'
And he says 'What?'
And I'm like 'Send him home.'
And he thinks I'm going to say
'So I can kick your ass' or something
But instead I say--
'I want to suck your dick'
And him and the guy
They look--
I mean, they might have taken
A collective shit at that point
And the fucker says--'Excuse me?'
And I say--'You heard me.'
Then I look at the guy standing next to him
Who's already dressed
Who doesn't know what the fuck is going on
And I say 'Send him home.'
And the fucker looks at me
And at the guy
And then back at me
And he says to the guy
But looking at me
'Go home.'
The guy doesn't even argue
He just takes off
Probably thinking this is going to end in blood
And as soon as he's down the hall
And out of sight
I turn back to the fucker
And smile
'So,' he says, 'You comin' in?'
'Fuck no,' I said
Because I just wanted to see
If I could get the best of me
You know what I mean?
If Straight Me could beat Gay Me
And what do you know?
Straight Me won
The fucker looked pissed
I told him
'Look, we're pretty much the same person
So let's try to get along from this point on, okay?'
That seemed to calm him down a little bit
And then he got this funny look on his face
'If we're pretty much the same,' he said
'Then there's no way you're turning down sex right now
Even with a guy'
.....Then he walked back to his room
And left the door wide open
I stood there for a second
Thinking
...And then I walked in
And closed the door behind me
I mean, think about it
Doesn't everybody want to know
What it'd be like
To have sex with themselves?
Hey, maybe that's just me
And he was a real bitch
And I mean a bitch
Not an asshole
Always making comments
About the girls I had going in and out
Yeah, I felt like saying, so what?
I'm in grad school
I gotta do something to stop myself
From taking a nosedive off the roof
Sometimes he'd be out in the courtyard
Wearing this little bathing suit
Thinking he was so fucking hot
And I'd want to just pour cold water
All over him
He was okay-looking, I guess
I mean, I'm not really an authority on the subject
But he was way too cocky
And that's a turn-off
I mean, it would be for me
If I was someone considering him for, you know
My attention
But he managed to get a new guy about once a week
I mean, not like me with the girls
There was one week
Where I was doing two different girls a night
And having a third one bring me breakfast in the morning
And I'm not saying that like I'm proud of it
I'm not some cock-of-the-walk or whatever
I'm just mentioning it
Because I could tell that little fucker
Thought he was such hot shit
And I was just getting all these girls
Because they were desperate or chubby or whatever
And yeah, some of them were--desperate, not chubby
But so what?
You mean to tell me
All of the guys he had at his place
Were ten out of ten's?
I fuckin' doubt it
One night he's got some guy over
And I'm horny as hell
I have a huge exam the next day
And I can't focus
Because my balls are practically exploding
It'd been, like, two days since I'd gotten any
And I couldn't find anything decent on the Internet
To jerk off to
So I'm sitting there in my living room
And I can hear this fucker going at it
Clear as a bell
So I wait, thinking of the other neighbors will, like
Call the cops or something
But no
Nothing
Finally, I've had enough
I go down the hall
I knock on the door
He opens it
Totally naked
Probably thinking he can get a rise
Out of whoever it is coming to complain
I felt like saying 'Nice try. I see my own dick everyday. You think I give a shit if I have to look at yours?'
But instead I asked him to keep it down
And I was polite and everything
I told him I just needed to study
'Well,' he said, 'Then maybe you should invest in some headphones.'
He started to close the door
But I put my hand on it
And pushed back
Right away, he looked nervous
Like I was going to punch the little asshole or something
Like I'm some kind of goon
Ready to do a hate crime
I didn't hate the fucker because he was gay
I hated him because he was a fucker
I'm getting an Psychology degree by the way
In case you were wondering
Human Behavior
I'm a fucking scholar
So don't think just because I'm swear I'm ignorant, all right?
I'm standing there holding the door open
And we start getting into it
Back and forth about courtesy
And him telling me to get my hand off his door
Or he was going to something something
After about a minute, this guy pops up in the doorway
About the same age as the fucker
All dressed, but you could tell he'd been getting dressed when I knocked
Probably thought he was going to have to make a quick exit
He says--'Should I go?'
And the fucker starts telling him
Go back to the bedroom
Get undressed
I'm just the asshole neighbor down the hall
Who thinks he's the shit
And I'm listening to him thinking
Man--and honestly, this might be the least homophobic
Or, like, most anti-homophobic thought I've ever had in my life
I thought to myself--
This guy
Is just
Like me
But like, parallel Universe Me
Like, the Me I would be if I were gay
And I thought--Wow, okay
So--this has the potential
To be a really interesting
Social experiment
So I look at the fucker
And I say to him--
'Send that guy home'
And he looks at me like 'What?'
And he says 'What?'
And I'm like 'Send him home.'
And he thinks I'm going to say
'So I can kick your ass' or something
But instead I say--
'I want to suck your dick'
And him and the guy
They look--
I mean, they might have taken
A collective shit at that point
And the fucker says--'Excuse me?'
And I say--'You heard me.'
Then I look at the guy standing next to him
Who's already dressed
Who doesn't know what the fuck is going on
And I say 'Send him home.'
And the fucker looks at me
And at the guy
And then back at me
And he says to the guy
But looking at me
'Go home.'
The guy doesn't even argue
He just takes off
Probably thinking this is going to end in blood
And as soon as he's down the hall
And out of sight
I turn back to the fucker
And smile
'So,' he says, 'You comin' in?'
'Fuck no,' I said
Because I just wanted to see
If I could get the best of me
You know what I mean?
If Straight Me could beat Gay Me
And what do you know?
Straight Me won
The fucker looked pissed
I told him
'Look, we're pretty much the same person
So let's try to get along from this point on, okay?'
That seemed to calm him down a little bit
And then he got this funny look on his face
'If we're pretty much the same,' he said
'Then there's no way you're turning down sex right now
Even with a guy'
.....Then he walked back to his room
And left the door wide open
I stood there for a second
Thinking
...And then I walked in
And closed the door behind me
I mean, think about it
Doesn't everybody want to know
What it'd be like
To have sex with themselves?
Hey, maybe that's just me
This Doesn't Mean a Thing
He walked up to me
And whispered in my ear
I must have looked stunned
Because my wife
Immediately asked
If we were being kicked out of the casino
I told her that the stately older gentlemen
Who had just walked up to me
And whispered in my ear
Offered me ten grand
If I would spend the night with him
My wife looked at me
And said--
'Did you just call somebody stately?'
- That's a word
- It's not a word that anybody uses.
He was handsome
Maybe forty-seven
But, like, a solid forty-seven
Very rugged, silver fox kinda guy
Not at all unattractive
And if I were into guys
Especially into older guys
I would have told him
'Keep the ten grand
This one's on me'
So why would he randomly proposition me?
Me with my wedding band on?
Me standing next to my wife?
My hand--literally on the small of her back
Trying to telepathically urge her
Not to let our mortgage payment ride on red
'Honey,' I said, 'Can we not focus on my vocabulary right now?'
'What's the big deal,' she said, 'Just be flattered. It's not like you're actually going to do it.'
And she went back to playing
I didn't tell her that he slipped his business card
Into my pocket
Ten grand
He was offering me ten grand
I mean, let's be honest, okay?
I'm not a young kid
I'm not a model
Hell, on my best day
I'm sort of hunky
--According to my wife anyway
But hunky's like a word from the 90's
That nowadays means solid-y stocky
The thought of somebody not gross
--Even a guy--
Wanting to pay ten grand
To have sex with me?
I mean, women don't even look at me
That way anymore
Hell, my wife doesn't...
But it's okay
Because she thinks I'm hunky
And she says it in this cute voice
So I know that she's really barely attracted to me at all anymore
But she figures that's just a part of married life
Feeling sexy it...
It's a luxury
You learn to give up
And maybe I had given it up
Or given up on myself
Or whatever
But when this guy whispered that number in my ear...
I was more than flattered
I was...sort of...curious
That night, my wife and I stayed out late
And when we got back to the room
She passed right out
I took the business card out of my pocket
And I looked at it
I turned it over in my hand
About...ten times
And then I found a notepad
Hotel stationery, you know?
And I wrote my wife a note--
'Feeling lucky. Be back in a bit.'
The, uh, older gentleman
Who may or may not have been stately
Wrote his room number
On the back of the business card
Did I mention that?
I don't think I mentioned that
And did I mention that he wrote a time?
He did
Two-oh-five
I remember because--
Why not two, you know?
Why two-oh-five?
Anyway, I knocked on his door
Right at two-oh-five
And the door opened
And it was him...
...And I went in
. . . . .
...Sometimes I wonder
What would make my wife angrier
The fact that I went
The fact that after I went I never told her I went
Or the fact that
After...going through with it
I...I didn't take the money
When the guy started counting out the cash
I told him 'No'
I told him he didn't have to
That I...uh...That I didn't want the money
I remember, he smiled
This really kind smile
And said--
'Taking the money doesn't make you anything, you know. It doesn't mean a thing. It's just my way of saying "Thank you."'
But that wasn't true
I mean, it definitely would have made me a hooker
Or a gigolo, or whatever
And the only solace there would be that--what?
That I wasn't gay?
That I just did something like that for the money?
As long as we kept it professional
I was safe from having to ask any awkward questions about myself
But fuck that
I didn't care
I just wanted to know he wanted me
That this guy
Who clearly can call all the shots if he wants to
Walked out onto that casino floor
With all those people on it
And he wanted me
And you can say 'ten grand is just ten grand'
But fuck you
It's still ten grand
It's ten grand more
Than I ever thought anybody would ever pay
Just to touch me
I mean, even at the height of my youth
I was not worth ten grand
Or at least...
That's what I thought
And now I know differently
Now I feel differently, you know?
And knowing that
Knowing your value?
I mean--shit
That's not something
You can put a price on
And whispered in my ear
I must have looked stunned
Because my wife
Immediately asked
If we were being kicked out of the casino
I told her that the stately older gentlemen
Who had just walked up to me
And whispered in my ear
Offered me ten grand
If I would spend the night with him
My wife looked at me
And said--
'Did you just call somebody stately?'
- That's a word
- It's not a word that anybody uses.
He was handsome
Maybe forty-seven
But, like, a solid forty-seven
Very rugged, silver fox kinda guy
Not at all unattractive
And if I were into guys
Especially into older guys
I would have told him
'Keep the ten grand
This one's on me'
So why would he randomly proposition me?
Me with my wedding band on?
Me standing next to my wife?
My hand--literally on the small of her back
Trying to telepathically urge her
Not to let our mortgage payment ride on red
'Honey,' I said, 'Can we not focus on my vocabulary right now?'
'What's the big deal,' she said, 'Just be flattered. It's not like you're actually going to do it.'
And she went back to playing
I didn't tell her that he slipped his business card
Into my pocket
Ten grand
He was offering me ten grand
I mean, let's be honest, okay?
I'm not a young kid
I'm not a model
Hell, on my best day
I'm sort of hunky
--According to my wife anyway
But hunky's like a word from the 90's
That nowadays means solid-y stocky
The thought of somebody not gross
--Even a guy--
Wanting to pay ten grand
To have sex with me?
I mean, women don't even look at me
That way anymore
Hell, my wife doesn't...
But it's okay
Because she thinks I'm hunky
And she says it in this cute voice
So I know that she's really barely attracted to me at all anymore
But she figures that's just a part of married life
Feeling sexy it...
It's a luxury
You learn to give up
And maybe I had given it up
Or given up on myself
Or whatever
But when this guy whispered that number in my ear...
I was more than flattered
I was...sort of...curious
That night, my wife and I stayed out late
And when we got back to the room
She passed right out
I took the business card out of my pocket
And I looked at it
I turned it over in my hand
About...ten times
And then I found a notepad
Hotel stationery, you know?
And I wrote my wife a note--
'Feeling lucky. Be back in a bit.'
The, uh, older gentleman
Who may or may not have been stately
Wrote his room number
On the back of the business card
Did I mention that?
I don't think I mentioned that
And did I mention that he wrote a time?
He did
Two-oh-five
I remember because--
Why not two, you know?
Why two-oh-five?
Anyway, I knocked on his door
Right at two-oh-five
And the door opened
And it was him...
...And I went in
. . . . .
...Sometimes I wonder
What would make my wife angrier
The fact that I went
The fact that after I went I never told her I went
Or the fact that
After...going through with it
I...I didn't take the money
When the guy started counting out the cash
I told him 'No'
I told him he didn't have to
That I...uh...That I didn't want the money
I remember, he smiled
This really kind smile
And said--
'Taking the money doesn't make you anything, you know. It doesn't mean a thing. It's just my way of saying "Thank you."'
But that wasn't true
I mean, it definitely would have made me a hooker
Or a gigolo, or whatever
And the only solace there would be that--what?
That I wasn't gay?
That I just did something like that for the money?
As long as we kept it professional
I was safe from having to ask any awkward questions about myself
But fuck that
I didn't care
I just wanted to know he wanted me
That this guy
Who clearly can call all the shots if he wants to
Walked out onto that casino floor
With all those people on it
And he wanted me
And you can say 'ten grand is just ten grand'
But fuck you
It's still ten grand
It's ten grand more
Than I ever thought anybody would ever pay
Just to touch me
I mean, even at the height of my youth
I was not worth ten grand
Or at least...
That's what I thought
And now I know differently
Now I feel differently, you know?
And knowing that
Knowing your value?
I mean--shit
That's not something
You can put a price on
Oil and Canvas
I think I have a responsibility
As an artist
To not limit my potential
For experiencing beauty...
Four o'clock on a Monday
I'm painting this guy
I'm a painter
This...beautiful guy
Blonde hair
Very...very masculine, you know?
Very solid body
My girlfriend, she's an artist too
But she mostly works at night
I work in the afternoons
Sometimes in the morning
But she naps until around six
And then she wakes up
Eats something
And starts sculpting
She's a sculptor
I painted for a few hours
With the guy
Sitting there
And then when we were finished
He got up
And asked if he could see
What I'd done
So I said 'Sure'
And he walked over
And looked at the painting
Then he put his hand on it
The painting
On the spot
Where his chest was
He got the wet paint on his finger
And then he put it on his own chest
He was touching what I'd done
And then touching that part of himself
And I found that to be very interesting
I'd never seen anybody do that before
He smiled at me
I guess he was glad or surprised
That I didn't get mad
When he touched my work
But, hey, it was his too, right?
In a way?
I touched the pink paint
That I used for his lips
And, I mean, by then I'd committed to it
I put my finger on his lips
Then he took the brush
With the paint on it
And held it a few inches from me
He said 'Take off your shirt'
So I did
And when it was off
And on the ground
He ran the brush against my chest
Then he put it down
And put his finger
On the wet paint
On my skin
And then he touched his own chest
Right next to the first spot he'd made
With the paint from the canvas
We never said a word
The whole time this was going on
It just unfolded
Like such a, like such a--natural thing
And it felt just as natural
When I stood up
And took off the rest of what I was wearing
And walked out onto the patio
Only looking back once
To see if he was following me...
. . . . .
When my girlfriend woke up
I told her what had happened
We don't keep secrets from each other
And we're not easily shocked
We've also never had monogamy
In our relationship
Whatever makes me happy, I do
And the same applies to her
And that makes me happy
--That she's happy
But when I told her
She took one of her sculptures and--
--So typically, but--
She smashed it
She threw it to the ground
And it--shattered
'I don't know you'
She said--really simply, quietly
This head-shaking whisper
'I don't know you'
It wasn't an insult
Or something meant to hurt me
It was a discovery
I could see that
She had discovered this thing
But...
But so had I
'I don't know me either,' I said
- Are you going to do it again?
- With him?
- With anyone.
- Maybe? I don't know.
I mean, how could I?
How could I know?
You think you're going to be the same thing your whole life?
No, really, I'm asking
Do you?
You think you're never going to change
You're never going to wonder
You're never going to want to try something new
To experience something you've never--
That's why we had rejected monogamy
This idea
Any idea
That things can stay the same
Even if you want them to
And that if you deny yourself the ability
To stretch
To go beyond, you know, labels
And terms
And these strict definitions
Of sex and love then--
..............................................But............................................
I guess nothing can hurt you more
Than what you don't know
And to love you something
You have to believe
You really understand it
At least, some people do
They need to
And so--
I was this thing that somebody loved
And they thought they understood me
And that was wrong
And so I hurt them
Her, I hurt her
...A month went by
And my girlfriend stopped sculpting
...But she still took those naps
Sometimes I'd go in
And lay down next to her
Just to let her know
I was there
But one day I tried to touch her
To brush some hair back
From her neck
And she said--
'Don't. Just don't.'
I looked at her
And in the dark
On her shoulder
I thought I could see
A little spot of something
I wanted to rub at it
To see if I could erase it
Make it go away
But she didn't want me to
She didn't even want me to try
And I might have been crazy anyway
It could have just been a trick of the dark, you know?
That spot--on her shoulder
What looked like paint
I mean...
Who knows
If it was even there?
As an artist
To not limit my potential
For experiencing beauty...
Four o'clock on a Monday
I'm painting this guy
I'm a painter
This...beautiful guy
Blonde hair
Very...very masculine, you know?
Very solid body
My girlfriend, she's an artist too
But she mostly works at night
I work in the afternoons
Sometimes in the morning
But she naps until around six
And then she wakes up
Eats something
And starts sculpting
She's a sculptor
I painted for a few hours
With the guy
Sitting there
And then when we were finished
He got up
And asked if he could see
What I'd done
So I said 'Sure'
And he walked over
And looked at the painting
Then he put his hand on it
The painting
On the spot
Where his chest was
He got the wet paint on his finger
And then he put it on his own chest
He was touching what I'd done
And then touching that part of himself
And I found that to be very interesting
I'd never seen anybody do that before
He smiled at me
I guess he was glad or surprised
That I didn't get mad
When he touched my work
But, hey, it was his too, right?
In a way?
I touched the pink paint
That I used for his lips
And, I mean, by then I'd committed to it
I put my finger on his lips
Then he took the brush
With the paint on it
And held it a few inches from me
He said 'Take off your shirt'
So I did
And when it was off
And on the ground
He ran the brush against my chest
Then he put it down
And put his finger
On the wet paint
On my skin
And then he touched his own chest
Right next to the first spot he'd made
With the paint from the canvas
We never said a word
The whole time this was going on
It just unfolded
Like such a, like such a--natural thing
And it felt just as natural
When I stood up
And took off the rest of what I was wearing
And walked out onto the patio
Only looking back once
To see if he was following me...
. . . . .
When my girlfriend woke up
I told her what had happened
We don't keep secrets from each other
And we're not easily shocked
We've also never had monogamy
In our relationship
Whatever makes me happy, I do
And the same applies to her
And that makes me happy
--That she's happy
But when I told her
She took one of her sculptures and--
--So typically, but--
She smashed it
She threw it to the ground
And it--shattered
'I don't know you'
She said--really simply, quietly
This head-shaking whisper
'I don't know you'
It wasn't an insult
Or something meant to hurt me
It was a discovery
I could see that
She had discovered this thing
But...
But so had I
'I don't know me either,' I said
- Are you going to do it again?
- With him?
- With anyone.
- Maybe? I don't know.
I mean, how could I?
How could I know?
You think you're going to be the same thing your whole life?
No, really, I'm asking
Do you?
You think you're never going to change
You're never going to wonder
You're never going to want to try something new
To experience something you've never--
That's why we had rejected monogamy
This idea
Any idea
That things can stay the same
Even if you want them to
And that if you deny yourself the ability
To stretch
To go beyond, you know, labels
And terms
And these strict definitions
Of sex and love then--
..............................................But............................................
I guess nothing can hurt you more
Than what you don't know
And to love you something
You have to believe
You really understand it
At least, some people do
They need to
And so--
I was this thing that somebody loved
And they thought they understood me
And that was wrong
And so I hurt them
Her, I hurt her
...A month went by
And my girlfriend stopped sculpting
...But she still took those naps
Sometimes I'd go in
And lay down next to her
Just to let her know
I was there
But one day I tried to touch her
To brush some hair back
From her neck
And she said--
'Don't. Just don't.'
I looked at her
And in the dark
On her shoulder
I thought I could see
A little spot of something
I wanted to rub at it
To see if I could erase it
Make it go away
But she didn't want me to
She didn't even want me to try
And I might have been crazy anyway
It could have just been a trick of the dark, you know?
That spot--on her shoulder
What looked like paint
I mean...
Who knows
If it was even there?
Beer, Porn, and Heels
I'm not sure when we started
Watching porn
It was late
Late in the night, I mean
Way past midnight
Way, way, past midnight
I was already--I mean, I was shitfaced
So was Damian
We were practically on another planet
The girls were in New York
For a bachelorette party
Connie and Damian were getting married
And the girls were going to spend the weekend
Shopping and whatever
So I went over to Damian's
And we watched the fight
And drank
And, you know, hung out
It was one of those times
When you're drunk
Before you realize you're drunk?
And then you're wasted
When you think you're only buzzed?
Yeah, it was one of those nights
I've known Damian since college
And when he gets drunk, he gets stupid
Me, I just turn into a comedian
I'm ten times funnier when I'm drunk
Mostly because I fall a lot
And sometimes I piss myself
I hadn't gotten to that point
By the time we started watching the porn
But I was laughing at every stupid thing
That came out of Damian's mouth
I don't remember why he put the porn on
But he did
And it was...
It was like serious porn
Not just girls in bathing suits kinda stuff
But, like, this mix tape
Of different scenes from different movies
Not edited well
And just as you'd start to get into what was going on
It would switch to something else
I should mention that we'd also taken some interesting substances an hour before that
So watching a kaleidoscope of porn
Probably wasn't the best idea
Then all of a sudden
These two guys pop up on the screen
And at first I think it's going to be a threeway
But I don't see a girl anywhere
And then they start going at it
The two guys
And I start laughing
Because--like--what the hell is this?
And I look over at Damian
And he's just staring at the screen
All wide-eyed
Like he's never seen this before
And I feel like saying to him--
'Kid, it's your tape. Why do you look so shocked?'
But I can't say anything
Because now I'm really laughing
I mean, I'm ready to piss
Then Damian gets up
And starts pointing to the screen
Saying--
'Look at this! Do you believe this? LOOK AT THIS!'
And I'm like--
'Yeah, yeah, kid, I'm looking--'
But I don't know what the hell he's talking about
Then, before I can even catch my breath
Damian grabs a beer bottle off the coffee table
--Like, one of the eight thousand bottles on the table--
And he downs whatever's in it
Then he starts stripping
He takes off his shirt
His pants
His boxers
He's standing there naked
And I mean, we've been friends a long time
But I've never seen this guy naked
And I want to be, like, mortified or something
But the truth is, I still can't stop laughing
And if you're laughing
And all of a sudden
Some guy whips his dick out
Trust me
You're not going to stop laughing
Anytime soon
So he's standing there--naked
And he's looking at the tv
Like, he's pointing his dick at the tv
And he's, like, egging on the guys in the movie
Like--Yeah, guys, do it! Yeah!
And I don't know WHAT the fuck is going on
But then the movie stops
It just stops
Like, no next scene
The camera freezes on the two guys
Their faces
And they're just looking at each other
With this, like, intense look
Like it's right before they're about to finish, okay?
And Damian yells--
I mean he yells
He goes--
'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!'
Then he runs out of the room
And at this point
I'm not laughing anymore
Because I'm kind of freaked out
But I follow him out of the living room
Because I don't where he's going
I mean, the guy's drunk, high, and naked
Nothing good is about to happen to him
Luckily he didn't try running outside or anything
He just ran upstairs to his bedroom
When I got up there
He was pulling clothes out of the closet
And the drawers
All of Connie's stuff
Throwing her clothes everywhere
And he's going--
'Look at this shit! Look at all this shit!'
And I'm like--
'I see it, okay? I see it!'
Because I don't know what he wants from me
It was like seeing those two guys fucking
Sent him into, like, a spasm or something
He was out of his mind
'Everywhere,' he goes, 'It's everywhere. All her stuff. It's everywhere!'
--And then he gets to the underwear drawer
And I gotta tell you
Connie has some really nice underwear
Which I wouldn't have expected
Until he threw one of her bras in my face
'Damian,' I said, 'You gotta put something on. You can't just sit on the floor of your bedroom with no clothes on making a mess. Connie's going to kill you.'
'FUCK HER!' he goes, 'FUCK. HER.'
But then he starts to laugh a little bit
Which doesn't make me feel better at all
Because now the crazy guy's laughing
And when crazy people laugh in movies
That's usually when they're really about to blow
But Damian looks down at this underwear drawer
And he pulls out a pair of Connie's, uh--
Well, like, it was...it was pretty skimpy
Kinda like a thong?
...And he puts it on
Then he takes one of her bras
And he puts that on
And I'm like--
I should go
--But he's my friend?
You know
Like, this guy's my best friend
So now he's got the bra on
And the, the thong or whatever
And he goes over to her shoes
And picks out a pair of, like, black heels
Like, these really pointy heels
Maybe they were stilettos
I don't know
I don't know the...
I mean, I don't know the distinction or whatever
Between heels
And I'm just standing there
Because, I mean, I can't believe what I'm seeing
I mean, this is the guy I've known since we lived in the dorms together
I've seen him do some weird shit
But this was out of control
He walks over to the dresser
And finds some of Connie's lipstick
And starts to put it on
Humming something
Some song
I swear to God, at this point
He looks like the guy from Silence of the Lambs
The one who liked wearing girls' skin?
The lotion guy?
He puts on the lipstick
It's all over his face though
I guess he never put lipstick on before
And then he lays on the bed
But, like, uh...seductively?
Like, he tried to look...sexy?
And he goes--
'Hey'
And I go--
'Hey'
And right then, and this is the craziest thing of all--seriously--
He looked fine
Like he looked totally normal
And sober
And with it
Except for the fact that he was wearing girls' underwear
And lipstick
And heels
He looks down at himself
Then back at me
And says--
'So--how do I look?'
And I look at him
I take it all in
And then I say--
'Truthfully, Damian? You don't look half bad.'
And he laughs
And then he sort of motions to me, like--
Like, c'mere
And, uh...I mean, I was tired
I was really--just, right then
I was so tired
So I laid down next to him
And he turned, so his back was up against my stomach
And I, uh...I put my arms around him
And I felt him kinda...relax...into me
And he goes--
'Man, that feels nice. You feel really nice.'
And I closed my eye
And all I could say was--
'Good.
I'm glad.'
Watching porn
It was late
Late in the night, I mean
Way past midnight
Way, way, past midnight
I was already--I mean, I was shitfaced
So was Damian
We were practically on another planet
The girls were in New York
For a bachelorette party
Connie and Damian were getting married
And the girls were going to spend the weekend
Shopping and whatever
So I went over to Damian's
And we watched the fight
And drank
And, you know, hung out
It was one of those times
When you're drunk
Before you realize you're drunk?
And then you're wasted
When you think you're only buzzed?
Yeah, it was one of those nights
I've known Damian since college
And when he gets drunk, he gets stupid
Me, I just turn into a comedian
I'm ten times funnier when I'm drunk
Mostly because I fall a lot
And sometimes I piss myself
I hadn't gotten to that point
By the time we started watching the porn
But I was laughing at every stupid thing
That came out of Damian's mouth
I don't remember why he put the porn on
But he did
And it was...
It was like serious porn
Not just girls in bathing suits kinda stuff
But, like, this mix tape
Of different scenes from different movies
Not edited well
And just as you'd start to get into what was going on
It would switch to something else
I should mention that we'd also taken some interesting substances an hour before that
So watching a kaleidoscope of porn
Probably wasn't the best idea
Then all of a sudden
These two guys pop up on the screen
And at first I think it's going to be a threeway
But I don't see a girl anywhere
And then they start going at it
The two guys
And I start laughing
Because--like--what the hell is this?
And I look over at Damian
And he's just staring at the screen
All wide-eyed
Like he's never seen this before
And I feel like saying to him--
'Kid, it's your tape. Why do you look so shocked?'
But I can't say anything
Because now I'm really laughing
I mean, I'm ready to piss
Then Damian gets up
And starts pointing to the screen
Saying--
'Look at this! Do you believe this? LOOK AT THIS!'
And I'm like--
'Yeah, yeah, kid, I'm looking--'
But I don't know what the hell he's talking about
Then, before I can even catch my breath
Damian grabs a beer bottle off the coffee table
--Like, one of the eight thousand bottles on the table--
And he downs whatever's in it
Then he starts stripping
He takes off his shirt
His pants
His boxers
He's standing there naked
And I mean, we've been friends a long time
But I've never seen this guy naked
And I want to be, like, mortified or something
But the truth is, I still can't stop laughing
And if you're laughing
And all of a sudden
Some guy whips his dick out
Trust me
You're not going to stop laughing
Anytime soon
So he's standing there--naked
And he's looking at the tv
Like, he's pointing his dick at the tv
And he's, like, egging on the guys in the movie
Like--Yeah, guys, do it! Yeah!
And I don't know WHAT the fuck is going on
But then the movie stops
It just stops
Like, no next scene
The camera freezes on the two guys
Their faces
And they're just looking at each other
With this, like, intense look
Like it's right before they're about to finish, okay?
And Damian yells--
I mean he yells
He goes--
'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!'
Then he runs out of the room
And at this point
I'm not laughing anymore
Because I'm kind of freaked out
But I follow him out of the living room
Because I don't where he's going
I mean, the guy's drunk, high, and naked
Nothing good is about to happen to him
Luckily he didn't try running outside or anything
He just ran upstairs to his bedroom
When I got up there
He was pulling clothes out of the closet
And the drawers
All of Connie's stuff
Throwing her clothes everywhere
And he's going--
'Look at this shit! Look at all this shit!'
And I'm like--
'I see it, okay? I see it!'
Because I don't know what he wants from me
It was like seeing those two guys fucking
Sent him into, like, a spasm or something
He was out of his mind
'Everywhere,' he goes, 'It's everywhere. All her stuff. It's everywhere!'
--And then he gets to the underwear drawer
And I gotta tell you
Connie has some really nice underwear
Which I wouldn't have expected
Until he threw one of her bras in my face
'Damian,' I said, 'You gotta put something on. You can't just sit on the floor of your bedroom with no clothes on making a mess. Connie's going to kill you.'
'FUCK HER!' he goes, 'FUCK. HER.'
But then he starts to laugh a little bit
Which doesn't make me feel better at all
Because now the crazy guy's laughing
And when crazy people laugh in movies
That's usually when they're really about to blow
But Damian looks down at this underwear drawer
And he pulls out a pair of Connie's, uh--
Well, like, it was...it was pretty skimpy
Kinda like a thong?
...And he puts it on
Then he takes one of her bras
And he puts that on
And I'm like--
I should go
--But he's my friend?
You know
Like, this guy's my best friend
So now he's got the bra on
And the, the thong or whatever
And he goes over to her shoes
And picks out a pair of, like, black heels
Like, these really pointy heels
Maybe they were stilettos
I don't know
I don't know the...
I mean, I don't know the distinction or whatever
Between heels
And I'm just standing there
Because, I mean, I can't believe what I'm seeing
I mean, this is the guy I've known since we lived in the dorms together
I've seen him do some weird shit
But this was out of control
He walks over to the dresser
And finds some of Connie's lipstick
And starts to put it on
Humming something
Some song
I swear to God, at this point
He looks like the guy from Silence of the Lambs
The one who liked wearing girls' skin?
The lotion guy?
He puts on the lipstick
It's all over his face though
I guess he never put lipstick on before
And then he lays on the bed
But, like, uh...seductively?
Like, he tried to look...sexy?
And he goes--
'Hey'
And I go--
'Hey'
And right then, and this is the craziest thing of all--seriously--
He looked fine
Like he looked totally normal
And sober
And with it
Except for the fact that he was wearing girls' underwear
And lipstick
And heels
He looks down at himself
Then back at me
And says--
'So--how do I look?'
And I look at him
I take it all in
And then I say--
'Truthfully, Damian? You don't look half bad.'
And he laughs
And then he sort of motions to me, like--
Like, c'mere
And, uh...I mean, I was tired
I was really--just, right then
I was so tired
So I laid down next to him
And he turned, so his back was up against my stomach
And I, uh...I put my arms around him
And I felt him kinda...relax...into me
And he goes--
'Man, that feels nice. You feel really nice.'
And I closed my eye
And all I could say was--
'Good.
I'm glad.'
Afghanistan
I promised Julio that my mom had a pool
And I told him it was a nice pool
And he busted my balls
And said 'What's the point of having a nice pool?'
You live in New England
What do you get?
Like two and a half months of summer?
He was from Miami
We got pools in Miami, he said
Real pools
Even the poor people got pools
Come visit me when we get home, I said
I'll show you my mom's pool
I'd been back for two weeks
When there was a knock on the door
This was--Jesus, three o'clock in the morning?
No kidding
Not that I slept
I didn't sleep
Still don't
I was up every night
But who shows up at somebody's house at three o'clock in the morning?
And it's not like my mom lives in a nice neighborhood
I mean, she's got a pool
But the house is dump
And the neighborhood sucks
She just had the pool
Because my brother went crazy one summer
And dug this pool in the backyard
Cemented it and everything
Then shot himself
When it was done
No fucking lie
I was six, I don't even really remember it
I never even talked about it
Not even with my mom
Not until I got to Afghanistan
And you talked about anything you could think of
Because all you did was talk
Anyway, uh, fuck, sorry
My brother
Like you care about my fucking brother
There was a knock on the door--
See, you can tell I'm not a story-teller
I got your all mixed up there with--
Uh--there was a knock, okay?
And I--
Yeah, I freak out a little
I grab a knife from the kitchen
A big knife
My mom doesn't wake up
She could sleep through elephants banging
I get the knife
I open the door
And there's Julio
Already got his bathing suit on
No fucking joke
And this big grin on his face
And he says--
'We going swimmin'?'
Fuckin' Julio man
So I take him swimmin'
I mean, what am I going to do?
Not take him swimming?
The crazy asshole drove all the way from Miami
DROVE
He got back home
Got into a fight with his stepdad
Gave the cocksucker a black eye
And then hopped in his old car
And started to drive
He had the address I gave him
And he just...drove
Told me he only stopped to piss
And eat pancakes
And I believed him
Even though Julio had a reputation
With the guys for being, you know
Full of shit
I liked him
I mean, I took a liking to him
He was younger than me
A kid, you know?
Nineteen
Only got to go home, because...
Look, not to be rude
But you don't need to know why he went home
Or why I went home
I mean, we're not here for that
Let's just say I'm twenty-four
And he's eighteen
And United States doesn't make it a habit
Of sending home nineteen and twenty-four year-olds
Unless they have a really good reason, so...
We were swimming in my pool
Well...he was swimming
I was just sitting on the edge
With my feet in, you know?
And he was swimming around
Having a ball
I told you my mother had a nice pool
Weird shape, though, you know
Because what did my cokehead brother know
About digging a pool?
Got this blob-shaped water-hole
In the backyard
And Julio's swimming around
From one side to the other
Then he comes up to me
Swims, right up to me
And like--
Goes between my legs
I'm like--Julio, what the fuck are you doing?
And then he laughs
And he's shivering
Because it's cold
It's almost morning
And it's cold out
The pool's cold
The water's cold
I mean, it feels okay
But it's cold
And he laughs
And his lips are blue
And I'm about to say--
You should get out
When he kisses my leg
The side of my leg
Like, my thigh
Sorry--my thigh
He kisses it
And I'm like--What the--
But then he kisses up a little further
And then I shove him
And when I shove him
I sort of force myself in the pool
And the next thing I know
I'm shoving him
And he's saying 'Wait, wait, man'
But I'm shoving him
And I'm holding him
Like shoving him and holding his head down
Under the water
And I don't mean to, but...
...And one time he comes up
And he's gasping
And I snap into it
Like, what I'm doing
And then...
I kiss him
I grab him
And I kiss him
And I hold his face
Like, hard in my hands
I mean I'm strong
And he's smaller than me
And it was easy
Pushing him around
And holding him underwater
And then kissing him
Making him kiss me
He was kissing me back, I mean
But, like, he'd try to pull away for air
He was still gasping from being held underwater
And I wouldn't let him go
I just...
I just wouldn't let him go
Finally, we broke
And he looked at me
And I kinda...
What the fuck, Julio? What the fuck is your problem?
I don't think he even knew
What specific thing I was asking about, you know?
I didn't even know
He didn't say anything
He just got out of the pool
And then I got out of the pool
And I said--
'I think you should go'
And he said--'Yeah'
And he left
I don't know where he was going
Where he went to
I don't know if he had anywhere to go
But...
I couldn't have him there
My mom was going to wake up soon
And I...
I couldn't have Julio there, you know?
There's some shit I'm not telling you
I mean, of course right?
That's not a surprise, right?
But...
But what you think the story is?
It's not
Not even close
Sometimes when you think there's a story there
With a message
And a moral
And with good guys and bad guys
There's not
There's just two fucked up people
Trying to get themselves right
Or run away trying
That's what this was
That's all it was
Whatever you think?
You're wrong
About me
About Julio
About what happened before we came home
Or while we were there
Or how what happened in that pool
Ended up happening, it...
It's not what you think
I promise you
I can promise you that
What Looks Just Like a Broken Heart
Hey, before you kick me out of your bed
Let me talk for a minute
I had a drink tonight
--Don't flip out
I had a drink
And I'm pissed off at myself
For having a drink
And I'm not drunk
It was one drink
It was still a drink
And it still pisses me off
And royally fucks up my two-year sobriety
But it was just one drink
And I'm not sitting here right now in my underwear because of it, okay?
This has been--
I mean, this has been coming
For a really long time
C'mon, you haven't noticed me
Walking around the house in my underwear?
Like, when do I ever do that?
When do I ever take a shower
And then just sit in the living room
On the couch
With a towel around me
Like it's no big deal?
I know you're looking at me
I know and I--
It's like I want you to look at me
It's like I want someone to look at me
--Please just let me finish, okay?
--Just let me say what I have to say
--Or don't, you can go, I mean, I'm not keeping you here
I mean, I know it's your bed and all
But you can just leave me here
Crash in my bed
I'll be better in the morning
I mean, it'll be morning
When people normally don't do stupid shit
So maybe by then I won't be rambling like this
And we can pretend this never happened
Or you can stay in this bed with me right now
With me, in my underwear
With you, in your underwear
Or I could take my underwear off
Or you could take yours off
I mean, basically, whatever keeps you in the fucking bed right now
Is totally fine with me
My heart--is fucking broken
Okay?
So the list of things
I give a fuck about
Is so short
It only includes
Pizza and not killing myself
And lately just pizza
--Don't flip out
I'm not really suicidal
I just want attention
Clearly, I mean, look what I'm doing
Look what's going on here
I'm in my gay roommate's bed
Basically saying let's fuck
Because I'm sad
I'm so fucking sad, Chris
Like, you can't even imagine
How sad I am
I know it's only been a month
But I don't think I'm ever going to get over Sarah
I mean, she's torn me, Chris
I'm really not a person anymore
Because of this--like, not the person I was, you know?
You know?
Fuck
I'm rambling
Did I say that?
Did I say I'm rambling?
You like me, right?
Don't you?
You like me, Chris?
This is needy and fucked up
But I need you to tell me you like me
Not just that you want to fuck me
Because that doesn't do anything for me
But girls telling me they like me
Doesn't do anything for me either
Because Sarah was a girl
And she liked me
And then she didn't
So I don't trust them anymore
Girls
The whole--what--the whole--the whole--
The whole FUCKING LOT OF THEM
I don't
Trust
Them
But I trust you
You're a good guy
And a good roommate
And I see you looking at me
When I'm walking around
And I don't mind
And I wanted to tell you that
I wanted to tell you
That I don't mind
And I think it's nice
I think it's really nice
And cool of you
To look at me
And to do it
When you think
I'm not looking
So I won't be freaked out
But now I'm here
And I'm telling you--Look
Go ahead
Look all you want
But tell me you like me first, okay?
Tell me and mean it
But only if you mean it
Because what this is right now
What it might look like
Like, I'm, you know, switching teams or something?
That's not what this is
I'm not gay
I just fucking hate women
But that's not a sexuality
Like, straight, gay and women destroy you
Are not the three sexual choices
So I guess...?
I don't fucking know what I guess
I just want to tell you
That this looks gay
And I get that
But it's not
It's just a broken heart
Break, you know--the word break
It's true
I'm broke
I'm broke down
She broke me
She really did
I had a drink tonight
A fucking drink
Can you--
FUCK
...I let myself down, you know?
I didn't even see it coming
That's what threw me
I thought if either of us left
It'd be me leaving
It's always been me leaving
And then she went
And pulled that rug
Right out from under me
And I was just standing there
Just standing there
So I put a--huh--I put a beer
In my hand
And I
Fucking
Drank it
Yes
Yes, yes, yes
So who the fuck cares who I get naked with?
I mean, in the grand scheme of things
Who fucking cares?
It's so hard, Chris
It's so damn hard
Just to find somebody
Who isn't going to hurt you
So...can we just...can we just lay here...for a sec, and then...
...Whatever you want to have happen...just...it can...
Go for it
Just as long as you don't hurt me, okay?
Just as long as you promise not to hurt me
I'll lay here with you
I'll lay here all night
I just need to fall asleep next to somebody tonight
And I don't give a fuck
Who it is
Let me talk for a minute
I had a drink tonight
--Don't flip out
I had a drink
And I'm pissed off at myself
For having a drink
And I'm not drunk
It was one drink
It was still a drink
And it still pisses me off
And royally fucks up my two-year sobriety
But it was just one drink
And I'm not sitting here right now in my underwear because of it, okay?
This has been--
I mean, this has been coming
For a really long time
C'mon, you haven't noticed me
Walking around the house in my underwear?
Like, when do I ever do that?
When do I ever take a shower
And then just sit in the living room
On the couch
With a towel around me
Like it's no big deal?
I know you're looking at me
I know and I--
It's like I want you to look at me
It's like I want someone to look at me
--Please just let me finish, okay?
--Just let me say what I have to say
--Or don't, you can go, I mean, I'm not keeping you here
I mean, I know it's your bed and all
But you can just leave me here
Crash in my bed
I'll be better in the morning
I mean, it'll be morning
When people normally don't do stupid shit
So maybe by then I won't be rambling like this
And we can pretend this never happened
Or you can stay in this bed with me right now
With me, in my underwear
With you, in your underwear
Or I could take my underwear off
Or you could take yours off
I mean, basically, whatever keeps you in the fucking bed right now
Is totally fine with me
My heart--is fucking broken
Okay?
So the list of things
I give a fuck about
Is so short
It only includes
Pizza and not killing myself
And lately just pizza
--Don't flip out
I'm not really suicidal
I just want attention
Clearly, I mean, look what I'm doing
Look what's going on here
I'm in my gay roommate's bed
Basically saying let's fuck
Because I'm sad
I'm so fucking sad, Chris
Like, you can't even imagine
How sad I am
I know it's only been a month
But I don't think I'm ever going to get over Sarah
I mean, she's torn me, Chris
I'm really not a person anymore
Because of this--like, not the person I was, you know?
You know?
Fuck
I'm rambling
Did I say that?
Did I say I'm rambling?
You like me, right?
Don't you?
You like me, Chris?
This is needy and fucked up
But I need you to tell me you like me
Not just that you want to fuck me
Because that doesn't do anything for me
But girls telling me they like me
Doesn't do anything for me either
Because Sarah was a girl
And she liked me
And then she didn't
So I don't trust them anymore
Girls
The whole--what--the whole--the whole--
The whole FUCKING LOT OF THEM
I don't
Trust
Them
But I trust you
You're a good guy
And a good roommate
And I see you looking at me
When I'm walking around
And I don't mind
And I wanted to tell you that
I wanted to tell you
That I don't mind
And I think it's nice
I think it's really nice
And cool of you
To look at me
And to do it
When you think
I'm not looking
So I won't be freaked out
But now I'm here
And I'm telling you--Look
Go ahead
Look all you want
But tell me you like me first, okay?
Tell me and mean it
But only if you mean it
Because what this is right now
What it might look like
Like, I'm, you know, switching teams or something?
That's not what this is
I'm not gay
I just fucking hate women
But that's not a sexuality
Like, straight, gay and women destroy you
Are not the three sexual choices
So I guess...?
I don't fucking know what I guess
I just want to tell you
That this looks gay
And I get that
But it's not
It's just a broken heart
Break, you know--the word break
It's true
I'm broke
I'm broke down
She broke me
She really did
I had a drink tonight
A fucking drink
Can you--
FUCK
...I let myself down, you know?
I didn't even see it coming
That's what threw me
I thought if either of us left
It'd be me leaving
It's always been me leaving
And then she went
And pulled that rug
Right out from under me
And I was just standing there
Just standing there
So I put a--huh--I put a beer
In my hand
And I
Fucking
Drank it
Yes
Yes, yes, yes
So who the fuck cares who I get naked with?
I mean, in the grand scheme of things
Who fucking cares?
It's so hard, Chris
It's so damn hard
Just to find somebody
Who isn't going to hurt you
So...can we just...can we just lay here...for a sec, and then...
...Whatever you want to have happen...just...it can...
Go for it
Just as long as you don't hurt me, okay?
Just as long as you promise not to hurt me
I'll lay here with you
I'll lay here all night
I just need to fall asleep next to somebody tonight
And I don't give a fuck
Who it is
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Look Away
My girlfriend was why I started working out in the first place
She...
She got in this amazing shape
For some reason, she flipped out
Had this crisis
Like--about her body
Out of nowhere, too
Because she'd never been like that
Never
She didn't tell me I had to start working out
But one day we're having sex
And I realize I have a gut
And she's got this tight body now
And all of a sudden
I'm feel self-conscious
About how I look
So I sign up for a gym
I went everyday for two weeks
And then, like, just on weekdays
And it felt good
But I couldn't really see that it was doing anything for me
Like, my body looked the same
At least, I thought it did
My girlfriend said I lost a few pounds
But who knows if that's true
I mean, my girlfriend's nice
Who knows if she was telling the truth
About two months into me going
I'm in the shower
Next to the locker room
And nobody else was there
Because it was early
I used to go before work
And sometimes I'd be the only one there
Aside from the guy that worked there
On this particular day
I was in the shower
And this guy walked in
Stood next to me
In the shower
A little older than me
Smiled, I smiled back
Although it was weird
Why are you smiling at me?
We're naked
Don't smile at me
That's what I thought
Not that I care
I mean, not that I cared because we were guys
I cared because we're naked
And we're strangers
We should be, you know
Not paying attention to each other
That's just kind of--etiquette--you know?
But he smiles at me
So I smile back
Because I'm not an asshole
And then I went back to washing my balls
...And then I notice...
Wow, uh...
Okay, yeah, this is what we're talking about so--
So okay, yeah
Then I notice him...
...Doing it...
...Touching...himself...
...Sort of--I mean, he wasn't fracking or anything
It was kinda subtle
Except not really
Because he's standing right next to me
Doing it, you know?
Waving to the Queen?
And I'm like--Should I say something?
I mean--what do you do?
What the hell do you?
So I took my hand off my balls
Because I had been washing them
When eh started
And, honestly, my ass was the next place to wash
But with everything suddenly being so sexual
I wasn't putting soap anywhere near there
Sorry--no, but--sorry
I was frozen
I just stood there
I couldn't move
Like what the fuck?
What the fuck was happening?
And this guy, he had--
He had a really nice body
I mean, it's one thing to have a guy jerking off next to you
But it's another thing when he's standing next to you
And all his muscles are throbbing and bulging
Muscles you don't have
So that when he's standing there jerking off
He looks like a fucking Rodin sculpture
And when you jerk off
It looks like Gollum trying to pry that magic ring off his dick
All hunched over
And sweaty and...
I was kind of...
It sort of went from
Shock to
Mesmerization, you know?
Like--watching him, it was--
Like it was something
Seriously
Like, I didn't know
Jerking off could look like that
So I...watched...and then...
He saw me and...
Then...he...watched me watch him
And then there was this...nod
...To me
Like--well?
Like--you gonna...?
So...
I mean, I'd been watching him
Right?
I'd been...looking, so...
It just...Oh geez, this sounds ridiculous, but...seriously...
It seemed...unfair...not to...do it back
So...I did
So there we were
Doing it
And...watching each other do it
And it's not like I...thought of guys
While I was doing it there next to him
But I...didn't think of girls either
I sure as fuck didn't think of my girlfriend
I just looked at him
And the bulging and the...
How new it all was to me
And new stuff turns me on
And all of this was new
So that got me going
And then...
...It was over
And he left
And I stood there
Wet
Kinda cold
Soapy still
Still hadn't rinsed, uh--and...
I stopped going to that gym
Then I stopped going to gyms altogether
Then my girlfriend and I broke up
And now I'm dating this chubby girl named Andrea
And I'm super happy
Part of me still worries that I'm going to see that guy again though
Sometimes I'll be in the shower
My own shower
At home
And...I'll get all panicky
Like--like he's going to just
Hop in with me or something
Like, out of the blue
And that's really nerve-wracking
But, what's even worse is--
When I think about that
I mean, when I think about that happening
...I get...you know...
Excited
The thought of it...
...It excites me
So...
...What the fuck does that mean?
She...
She got in this amazing shape
For some reason, she flipped out
Had this crisis
Like--about her body
Out of nowhere, too
Because she'd never been like that
Never
She didn't tell me I had to start working out
But one day we're having sex
And I realize I have a gut
And she's got this tight body now
And all of a sudden
I'm feel self-conscious
About how I look
So I sign up for a gym
I went everyday for two weeks
And then, like, just on weekdays
And it felt good
But I couldn't really see that it was doing anything for me
Like, my body looked the same
At least, I thought it did
My girlfriend said I lost a few pounds
But who knows if that's true
I mean, my girlfriend's nice
Who knows if she was telling the truth
About two months into me going
I'm in the shower
Next to the locker room
And nobody else was there
Because it was early
I used to go before work
And sometimes I'd be the only one there
Aside from the guy that worked there
On this particular day
I was in the shower
And this guy walked in
Stood next to me
In the shower
A little older than me
Smiled, I smiled back
Although it was weird
Why are you smiling at me?
We're naked
Don't smile at me
That's what I thought
Not that I care
I mean, not that I cared because we were guys
I cared because we're naked
And we're strangers
We should be, you know
Not paying attention to each other
That's just kind of--etiquette--you know?
But he smiles at me
So I smile back
Because I'm not an asshole
And then I went back to washing my balls
...And then I notice...
Wow, uh...
Okay, yeah, this is what we're talking about so--
So okay, yeah
Then I notice him...
...Doing it...
...Touching...himself...
...Sort of--I mean, he wasn't fracking or anything
It was kinda subtle
Except not really
Because he's standing right next to me
Doing it, you know?
Waving to the Queen?
And I'm like--Should I say something?
I mean--what do you do?
What the hell do you?
So I took my hand off my balls
Because I had been washing them
When eh started
And, honestly, my ass was the next place to wash
But with everything suddenly being so sexual
I wasn't putting soap anywhere near there
Sorry--no, but--sorry
I was frozen
I just stood there
I couldn't move
Like what the fuck?
What the fuck was happening?
And this guy, he had--
He had a really nice body
I mean, it's one thing to have a guy jerking off next to you
But it's another thing when he's standing next to you
And all his muscles are throbbing and bulging
Muscles you don't have
So that when he's standing there jerking off
He looks like a fucking Rodin sculpture
And when you jerk off
It looks like Gollum trying to pry that magic ring off his dick
All hunched over
And sweaty and...
I was kind of...
It sort of went from
Shock to
Mesmerization, you know?
Like--watching him, it was--
Like it was something
Seriously
Like, I didn't know
Jerking off could look like that
So I...watched...and then...
He saw me and...
Then...he...watched me watch him
And then there was this...nod
...To me
Like--well?
Like--you gonna...?
So...
I mean, I'd been watching him
Right?
I'd been...looking, so...
It just...Oh geez, this sounds ridiculous, but...seriously...
It seemed...unfair...not to...do it back
So...I did
So there we were
Doing it
And...watching each other do it
And it's not like I...thought of guys
While I was doing it there next to him
But I...didn't think of girls either
I sure as fuck didn't think of my girlfriend
I just looked at him
And the bulging and the...
How new it all was to me
And new stuff turns me on
And all of this was new
So that got me going
And then...
...It was over
And he left
And I stood there
Wet
Kinda cold
Soapy still
Still hadn't rinsed, uh--and...
I stopped going to that gym
Then I stopped going to gyms altogether
Then my girlfriend and I broke up
And now I'm dating this chubby girl named Andrea
And I'm super happy
Part of me still worries that I'm going to see that guy again though
Sometimes I'll be in the shower
My own shower
At home
And...I'll get all panicky
Like--like he's going to just
Hop in with me or something
Like, out of the blue
And that's really nerve-wracking
But, what's even worse is--
When I think about that
I mean, when I think about that happening
...I get...you know...
Excited
The thought of it...
...It excites me
So...
...What the fuck does that mean?
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Dancing with Boys
I was just standing there, you know?
Minding my own business
And he walked up to me
I was standing there with this girl
My friend
And, uh
I mean, I knew he was
I’d seen him around
Nice-looking guy
Dresses nice
Smiles, you know, charming, I guess
I don’t know
I’d never actually been introduced to him
He walked up to me
And was like
‘Hey’
So I said ‘Hey’
And the girl next to me
My friend
She’s looking at both of us
Like, ‘What is this?
Because, like, just in general
When do guys ever talk to guys at bars, you know?
It’s like, if a guy walks up to you at a bar
He’s either going to punch you
Or tell you that you’re related
Or ask if you know Mickey, or something
But not just, like, Hi, let me introduce myself
I mean, when does that happen?
So the girl—who wasn’t my girlfriend, by the way
But was just a friend, but still—I mean, this guy didn’t
know that
He didn’t know—she could have been my wife
How would he have known?
But, uh, well—looking back
I get the sneaking suspicion that he, uh…
Huh…that he didn’t care?
Anyway, he, uh, said Hey—I mentioned that
And then he said—very clearly, uh—
Do you want to dance?
Now, we weren’t at a gay bar
We definitely weren’t
I mean, it wasn’t a country and western saloon either
But it wasn’t a gay bar
And I said that to him
And he was like ‘So?’
And I looked at my girl, um, my friend
And she looked at me to be like—
Hey, you’re on your own with this one
But she was kind of laughing to herself
Because, like, this wasn’t me being hit on
By some creepy old guy or something
This guy was young, and—yeah, I mean, yeah, he was
nice-looking
I mean, honestly, yeah, he was an attractive guy
But I’m not gay
And I feel bad saying that
I don’t know why
But I do
But I said it to him
Because, you know, I wasn’t going to dance with him
And I, uh, didn’t want him to, you know, feel bad about it
So I said, you know, ‘I’m not gay’
And he said, ‘Neither am I’
And now my friend is just dying
Like, she’s not out-loud laughing
But I can tell, she’s ready to lose it
Because this is—
Like what is this?
So I say ‘Well, if you’re not gay and I’m not gay and this
isn’t a gay bar then—‘
But he cuts me off and says ‘I just want to dance. Is that okay?’
And he says it in this sort of challenging way like—
What’s the big deal?
Like—why can’t boys dance together?
And I mean, yeah, girls dance together sometimes
There was, like, a whole J.C. from N’Sync song about it
But, like, boys don’t dance together
That’s just not something boys do
I don’t know why
I didn’t make the rules
Maybe it’s because most guys can’t dance anyway
And you sort of need the girl
To make dancing look good
So two guys dancing together is—
I don’t know
But while I was trying to think of a reason
He held out his hand
And he sort of half-smiled
And said—
‘Just one dance, dude’
And I think it was the ‘Dude’ that did it
Because, and I know this sounds stupid, or homo—
It sounds whatever
But—if I thought this guy was actually straight
I probably would have just said, ‘Sure, let’s dance’
Because it would have been goofy and funny
And something my friends and I might have done
And, you know, sometimes you play around like that
With your guy friends
You, like, grab each other’s asses in the locker room
Or you snap towels—
I mean, I don’t do any of this
But that’s just because I make it a point never to go to the
gym
Or ever be naked with other men
If I can help it
But I know some guys do that
And so if I knew this guy
And I knew for a fact that he was straight
I might have just been like—
Sure, why not?
But I didn’t know him
And I didn’t know if he was gay or not
But then he said ‘Dude’ and from the way he said ‘Dude’
I kind of thought—Okay, he might not be gay
And before I could really think about it anymore than that
I was walking with him to the dance floor
And my friend back at the bar was staring at me
Like—half-surprised and half –sort-of-amused
By the whole thing
And I tried to look back at her like—
Yeah, well—YOLO?
I don’t know
I don’t fucking know
Jesus, I just said YOLO
Who the fuck am I?
This really—I mean, this was one moment, okay?
Like, one moment in, you know, time
But it—I mean, this was a little while ago
That girl and I—
Um, anyway
The guy and I went out on the dance floor
And there were a bunch of other people dancing
Some groups of friends
Not just couples
But obviously no guy-on-guy stuff
You know, until we started dancing
And I thought, Well, maybe I can dance near him
But, like, not with
him
But then he grabbed me by the waist
And pulled me up against him
And then we’re dancing
Like, we’re really dancing
And I’m…
I remember I laughed
Like, I laughed
And then I kept laughing
And then he said ‘Are you okay?’
And I was like, ‘Yeah’
But then I kept laughing some more
And then—
And this is important—
--Like, for him, like, for how you view him
And the fact that everybody’s telling stories about, you
know
Being curious or whatever, um—
Because up until that point
I couldn’t really be considered curious
So much as, like, that I was practically kidnapped, um—
He said, ‘Do you want to stop?’
And…
I mean, and he meant it, and…
And I…
You know, the song that was playing was a really good song
And, I mean, I don’t dance
Like with girls or guys or anything, not normally
And, it felt good to dance, you know?
And…okay, this is going to sound…
It felt good to have his hands on me
Does that make sense?
Like, I’m not gay or anything
I’m really not
But a guy’s hands
And a girl’s hands are just totally different
Like, biologically, physiologically different
And they feel
different
And they make you feel different things
And right then, in that moment
His hands on me
Felt good
So I said—‘No, it’s cool…dude.’
And we kept dancing
And…nobody really seemed to notice us
As far as I could tell
I mean, we’re not in the Deep South or anything
So maybe I shouldn’t have been all that shocked
But it sort of made me forget who I was dancing with
And then we were just dancing
And then…
It started to feel like something?
Like, how do you dance with someone—
And I mean, really dance with them
Not like at-a-wedding-doing-the-chicken-dance
Dance with them
Without it feeling like—something?
I mean, this guy was…a really good dancer
And we kept doing that thing
Where we would sort of
Look at each other
And then not look at each other
And then look at each for longer
And then look away again
Until finally he said—
‘Dude, do you want to kiss me?’
And I said, ‘Dude, I kinda do’
And so I kissed him
Like, I—me, I—kissed him
And it was…pretty great
I mean, as far as kisses go
And then…the song stopped
The music, I mean
The lights came up
The bar was closing down for the night
And he said—
‘Thanks, man, that was fun.’
And he took off
So I walked back to my friend
And she sort of slow-clapped me, you know
She saw the whole thing
Kissing and all
And she said—
‘So how was that?’
And I said—‘Fun. That
was…fun’
I mean, it was…kind of more than fun?
But, right then, trying to come up with something
All I could come up with was…fun
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I’m glad you had a good night.’
Then she kind of looked like…
Like she was deciding something?
And she decided, I guess
I mean, after a minute
And then she said—
‘You want to come home with me tonight?’
And I was like—
‘Yeah. Yeah, I do.’
And, uh, we’ve been dating ever since
I don’t really know
How to put all that together
I mean, we’ve—she and I—we’ve never talked about, you know,
that night
And I never saw that guy again
But…
But it was…
God, I wish there was a word, you know?
It’s like—gay, straight, curious, bisexual, whatever
But then you have moments like that
Where you’re just dancing
With somebody
And you want to…to…to…I don’t know
Connect with them
In a way that—that doesn’t seem right
Or that you think is—um, inappropriate?
But you just do it anyway
Because why not?
Because who says you can’t?
You know?
But later on, you look back
And you’re still thinking
That was pretty cool
And I wish there was a word
For what that was
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