Beer, Porn, and Heels

I'm not sure when we started
Watching porn

It was late
Late in the night, I mean
Way past midnight
Way, way, past midnight

I was already--I mean, I was shitfaced
So was Damian
We were practically on another planet

The girls were in New York
For a bachelorette party

Connie and Damian were getting married
And the girls were going to spend the weekend
Shopping and whatever
So I went over to Damian's
And we watched the fight
And drank
And, you know, hung out

It was one of those times
When you're drunk
Before you realize you're drunk?

And then you're wasted
When you think you're only buzzed?

Yeah, it was one of those nights

I've known Damian since college
And when he gets drunk, he gets stupid
Me, I just turn into a comedian
I'm ten times funnier when I'm drunk
Mostly because I fall a lot
And sometimes I piss myself

I hadn't gotten to that point
By the time we started watching the porn
But I was laughing at every stupid thing
That came out of Damian's mouth

I don't remember why he put the porn on
But he did
And it was...
It was like serious porn
Not just girls in bathing suits kinda stuff
But, like, this mix tape
Of different scenes from different movies
Not edited well
And just as you'd start to get into what was going on
It would switch to something else

I should mention that we'd also taken some interesting substances an hour before that
So watching a kaleidoscope of porn
Probably wasn't the best idea

Then all of a sudden
These two guys pop up on the screen
And at first I think it's going to be a threeway
But I don't see a girl anywhere
And then they start going at it
The two guys
And I start laughing
Because--like--what the hell is this?
And I look over at Damian
And he's just staring at the screen
All wide-eyed
Like he's never seen this before
And I feel like saying to him--

'Kid, it's your tape.  Why do you look so shocked?'

But I can't say anything
Because now I'm really laughing
I mean, I'm ready to piss

Then Damian gets up
And starts pointing to the screen
Saying--

'Look at this!  Do you believe this?  LOOK AT THIS!'

And I'm like--

'Yeah, yeah, kid, I'm looking--'

But I don't know what the hell he's talking about

Then, before I can even catch my breath
Damian grabs a beer bottle off the coffee table
--Like, one of the eight thousand bottles on the table--
And he downs whatever's in it
Then he starts stripping

He takes off his shirt
His pants
His boxers

He's standing there naked
And I mean, we've been friends a long time
But I've never seen this guy naked
And I want to be, like, mortified or something
But the truth is, I still can't stop laughing

And if you're laughing
And all of a sudden
Some guy whips his dick out
Trust me
You're not going to stop laughing
Anytime soon

So he's standing there--naked
And he's looking at the tv
Like, he's pointing his dick at the tv
And he's, like, egging on the guys in the movie
Like--Yeah, guys, do it!  Yeah!

And I don't know WHAT the fuck is going on

But then the movie stops
It just stops
Like, no next scene
The camera freezes on the two guys
Their faces
And they're just looking at each other
With this, like, intense look
Like it's right before they're about to finish, okay?

And Damian yells--
I mean he yells
He goes--

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!'

Then he runs out of the room
And at this point
I'm not laughing anymore
Because I'm kind of freaked out
But I follow him out of the living room
Because I don't where he's going
I mean, the guy's drunk, high, and naked
Nothing good is about to happen to him

Luckily he didn't try running outside or anything
He just ran upstairs to his bedroom

When I got up there
He was pulling clothes out of the closet
And the drawers
All of Connie's stuff

Throwing her clothes everywhere
And he's going--

'Look at this shit!  Look at all this shit!'

And I'm like--

'I see it, okay?  I see it!'

Because I don't know what he wants from me

It was like seeing those two guys fucking
Sent him into, like, a spasm or something
He was out of his mind

'Everywhere,' he goes, 'It's everywhere.  All her stuff.  It's everywhere!'

--And then he gets to the underwear drawer

And I gotta tell you
Connie has some really nice underwear
Which I wouldn't have expected
Until he threw one of her bras in my face

'Damian,' I said, 'You gotta put something on.  You can't just sit on the floor of your bedroom with no clothes on making a mess.  Connie's going to kill you.'

'FUCK HER!' he goes, 'FUCK.  HER.'

But then he starts to laugh a little bit
Which doesn't make me feel better at all
Because now the crazy guy's laughing
And when crazy people laugh in movies
That's usually when they're really about to blow

But Damian looks down at this underwear drawer
And he pulls out a pair of Connie's, uh--
Well, like, it was...it was pretty skimpy
Kinda like a thong?

...And he puts it on

Then he takes one of her bras
And he puts that on

And I'm like--

I should go

--But he's my friend?
You know
Like, this guy's my best friend

So now he's got the bra on
And the, the thong or whatever
And he goes over to her shoes
And picks out a pair of, like, black heels
Like, these really pointy heels
Maybe they were stilettos
I don't know
I don't know the...
I mean, I don't know the distinction or whatever
Between heels

And I'm just standing there
Because, I mean, I can't believe what I'm seeing
I mean, this is the guy I've known since we lived in the dorms together
I've seen him do some weird shit
But this was out of control

He walks over to the dresser
And finds some of Connie's lipstick
And starts to put it on
Humming something
Some song
I swear to God, at this point
He looks like the guy from Silence of the Lambs
The one who liked wearing girls' skin?
The lotion guy?

He puts on the lipstick
It's all over his face though
I guess he never put lipstick on before
And then he lays on the bed
But, like, uh...seductively?
Like, he tried to look...sexy?

And he goes--

'Hey'

And I go--

'Hey'

And right then, and this is the craziest thing of all--seriously--

He looked fine

Like he looked totally normal
And sober
And with it
Except for the fact that he was wearing girls' underwear
And lipstick
And heels

He looks down at himself
Then back at me
And says--

'So--how do I look?'

And I look at him
I take it all in
And then I say--

'Truthfully, Damian?  You don't look half bad.'

And he laughs
And then he sort of motions to me, like--

Like, c'mere

And, uh...I mean, I was tired
I was really--just, right then
I was so tired

So I laid down next to him
And he turned, so his back was up against my stomach
And I, uh...I put my arms around him

And I felt him kinda...relax...into me

And he goes--

'Man, that feels nice.  You feel really nice.'

And I closed my eye
And all I could say was--

'Good.

I'm glad.'