It was junior year of high school
Going into senior year
I met her in May
She transferred to our school
I was like--Who transfers in May?
And she was like--I burned down my last school
And I was like--Are you serious?
And she was like--Well, not all of it
And I said--Oh
Like, as if to say--
'Well then, that's not that bad.'
I loved that girl
Her name was Stephanie Stephens
Which is, like, such a perfect name
Say it, it's perfect--Stephanie Stephens
Although I think that wasn't really her last name
She said her family was in witness protection
Because her Dad was the cardiologist
To this big mob boss in Chicago
She could have been lying about that too
I never really knew what she was lying about
And what the truth
She was a woman of mystery
And she was the only one for me
On the last day of school
I asked her to marry me
And she said she wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend first
Which was totally my plan
My Dad always taught me to ask for more than you want
And that way when people give you less
You're getting exactly what you wanted in the first place
Smart, right?
Like my Dad says--You don't become fifth best-selling car salesman in Upstate New York
By being an idiot
That summer was the best and worst summer of my life
The best because Stephanie was my girlfriend
And also because I had so much money
I mean, I didn't actually have it
But Stephanie had it
And sometimes she would let me have some
But it all depended on how much pot I could sell
Oh right, sorry, I forgot to mention that
Stephanie was a drug dealer
But, like, not really
I was, technically, the dealer
Because she had me do all the, you know, dealing
She said it was something to do
And that you had to make your own fun
Especially when you lived in a boring town like ours
And I believed her
Because she let me touch her boobs
Over the bra, but still, amazing
Sometimes, after I'd do all my drop-offs
And I'd bring her back the money
And she'd count it in front of me
And then put it in her hope chest
She'd put on a porno movie she found in her dad's room
And we'd make out on her bed
It was so awesome
Sometimes we'd go to the beach
And she'd just let me talk for hours
The nice thing about dating a girl in the witness protection program
Is that they can't really say much about anything
So they never complain that you don't listen to them
I would talk and talk
And then she'd punch me in the nuts
And kick sand in my face
Because it made her laugh
She was so spontaneous
We'd go for these stupid long walks
Until we, like, literally almost ran out of beach
And then there'd be rocks
And we'd walk on them
And she'd push me
And I'd be like 'Stop!'
And she'd be like 'I just want to see if you fall and hit your head on the rocks.'
And I'd be like 'I'll die'
And she was like 'Yeah, maybe.'
But she said it with this smile
That was like--Aw, you're cute
But then she'd push me again
And one time I did fall
And I did hit my head
And she freaked out
Because I started bleeding from my head
And she said she was afraid the blood would attract sharks
So she took off
And some kids found me
And they called 9-1-1
And after that, my mom forbid me
To hang out with Stephanie anymore
And I was like 'Just because she tried to kill me?!?!? But she's done so much worse than that!'
Probably not the brightest thing
I've ever said
Stephanie moved again at the end of that summer
And her phone number changed
And I never talked to her again
I still think about her all the time though
Sometimes you meet people
And they stick on you
On one of those slugs in the swamp
That get under your clothes
And suck the blood out of you
Until you rip them off
Or burn them with a match
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