Noah's Lifeboat

(A UNICORN and a CENTAUR sit in a lifeboat.  Neither one looks too happy.)

UNICORN:  We should have stayed on the ark.

CENTAUR:  With the tigers?  Why don't you think about that for a second.

UNICORN:  Nobody was getting eaten.

CENTAUR:  I heard about a monkey that got eaten.

UNICORN:  That asshole?  He was a castaway.  He would have been the third monkey.  You can't have three monkeys.

CENTAUR:  Why not?

UNICORN:  Because you can only have two of everything.  You can't have three monkeys.  Why should there be three monkeys when there are only two of everything else?

CENTAUR:  He still didn't deserve to be eaten.

UNICORN:  Now there's only one sloth and one giraffe too.

CENTAUR:  And what ate him?  A tiger.

UNICORN:  Well, if you're a monkey, and you try stowing away on a ship by hiding in a tiger's cage, you're sort of asking for trouble, wouldn't you say?

CENTAUR:  I didn't feel safe, and that's all there is to it.  You could have stayed if you wanted to.

UNICORN:  I didn't want to.

CENTAUR:  Why not?

UNICORN:  What was I going to do?  Let you go off on your own?

CENTAUR:  I didn't need you to come with me.  As soon as the water dries up, I'm going to be fine.  I don't mind living alone.

UNICORN:  Why didn't you ask Heather to come with you?

CENTAUR:  We talked about it, but then she started crying, and honestly--

UNICORN:  So you just took off?

CENTAUR:  I left a note.  She'll be fine.  One of Noah's sons is into her.  The weird one with the missing eye.

UNICORN:  But how would they--?

CENTAUR:  I mean, they can't procreate, but they can at least keep each other company.

UNICORN:  So the centaurs will just--

CENTAUR:  Look, it's not my responsibility to make sure my race continues.  If the Lord wanted there to be centaurs for the rest of time, then he shouldn't have drowned all but two of us.  And if he was going to drown all but two of us, then he should have made sure that one of the two of us left wasn't Heather.  She's insufferable.  I can't be expected to only mate with her for the rest of my life.  And even if I did, can you imagine the offspring we would produce?  Populating the world with more centaurs like her wouldn't be fulfilling some destiny, it would be tormenting humanity for generations to come.

UNICORN:  Poor Heather.

CENTAUR:  If you like her so much, why don't you mate with her?  It's not physically impossible, just not pleasant to think about.

UNICORN:  She's not my type.

CENTAUR:  What is your type?  You don't seem very interested in Jane either.

UNICORN:  Jane is a lovely unicorn, she's just not...

CENTAUR:  What?

UNICORN:  You're right.  The Lord should have picked someone else.  We're not a good match.

CENTAUR:  Okay, but you weren't seeing anyone before the Flood.  Who would you have picked?

UNICORN:  I don't know.

CENTAUR:  No, c'mon.  Tell me.  We need to learn to make conversation with each other about meaningless topics.  That's the only way lifelong friendships survive.

UNICORN:  I guess I would have picked...

CENTAUR:  Yes?

UNICORN:  ...You.

     (A beat.)

CENTAUR:  But I didn't drown in the...Oh...You mean you would have picked me for...Oh...you?

UNICORN:  Yes.

CENTAUR:  But I'm a centaur.

UNICORN:  I know.

CENTAUR:  I'm not--

UNICORN:  I know.

CENTAUR:  Oh...Wow.

UNICORN:  You asked.

CENTAUR:  No, I know.

     (Pause.)

Wow.

     (Lapping of water against the boat.)

CENTAUR:  You know I'm a male, right?

UNICORN:  (Forcefully.)  Yes.

CENTAUR:  Just...checking.

UNICORN:  It's like a cruel joke.  Expecting me to repopulate the world with unicorns.  I mean--doesn't He know?

CENTAUR:  Who?

UNICORN:  God!

CENTAUR:  About you?

UNICORN:  Yes.

CENTAUR:  I'm sure he does.

UNICORN:  Then why--

CENTAUR:  I don't know!  We all have to make sacrifices, don't we?  I mean, c'mon, he expected me to have sex with Heather.

UNICORN:  At least you're interested in Heather!

CENTAUR:  No, I'm not!

UNICORN:  More so than I am in Jane!

CENTAUR:  Not by much!

UNICORN:  Are you saying?

CENTAUR:  No, I'm not saying that.  I'm not saying that at all, but I'm just saying--I'm saying...God is mysterious.

UNICORN:  He certainly is.

     (A beat.)

Have we done some sort of...terrible disservice?  I mean...there won't be any more unicorns.

CENTAUR:  It's not like anyone will know.  I mean, stories might get told but...you can't miss something that's never been there.

UNICORN:  Maybe there are others like us who survived?  You know, in spite of the Flood?

CENTAUR:  I don't know.  I think if there's one thing the Lord is, it's thorough.

UNICORN:  Yeah.

    (Short pause.)

Besides, even if I met someone--

CENTAUR:  Creating new unicorns would be--

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  Then again, who knows what we'll find...after the Flood?  There could be new kinds of unicorns--and centaurs.  Unicorns that are like...you know, not like Jane, but like...me...but can also...you know...have baby unicorns...and stuff.

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  We shouldn't look at this as some kind of ending.  It's a start, right?  The start of something.  A brand new world.

UNICORN:  Right.

CENTAUR:  From this point on, anything is possible.  Our new lives are going to be amazing.

UNICORN:  You are going to stay with me, right?  You're not just going to...go off on your own?

CENTAUR:  Well, like I said, I don't mind being alone.

UNICORN:  Oh.

CENTAUR:  ...But I don't love the idea either.

     (The UNICORN smiles, as best as unicorns can.)

UNICORN:  I feel...hopeful.

CENTAUR:  I do too.  Which is odd, considering the deity I believed in essentially just committed mass murder and then stuck me with a gay unicorn on a lifeboat.

UNICORN:  (Shrugs--again, as best as a unicorn can.)  Mysterious, right?

CENTAUR:  Very mysterious.  Very, very mysterious.

     (The water laps against the boat, and somewhere in the distance, a dove flaps its wings.)