What Looks Just Like a Broken Heart

Hey, before you kick me out of your bed
Let me talk for a minute

I had a drink tonight
--Don't flip out

I had a drink
And I'm pissed off at myself
For having a drink
And I'm not drunk
It was one drink
It was still a drink
And it still pisses me off
And royally fucks up my two-year sobriety
But it was just one drink
And I'm not sitting here right now in my underwear because of it, okay?

This has been--

I mean, this has been coming
For a really long time

C'mon, you haven't noticed me
Walking around the house in my underwear?

Like, when do I ever do that?
When do I ever take a shower
And then just sit in the living room
On the couch
With a towel around me
Like it's no big deal?

I know you're looking at me
I know and I--
It's like I want you to look at me
It's like I want someone to look at me
--Please just let me finish, okay?
--Just let me say what I have to say
--Or don't, you can go, I mean, I'm not keeping you here
I mean, I know it's your bed and all
But you can just leave me here
Crash in my bed
I'll be better in the morning
I mean, it'll be morning
When people normally don't do stupid shit
So maybe by then I won't be rambling like this
And we can pretend this never happened
Or you can stay in this bed with me right now
With me, in my underwear
With you, in your underwear
Or I could take my underwear off
Or you could take yours off
I mean, basically, whatever keeps you in the fucking bed right now
Is totally fine with me

My heart--is fucking broken
Okay?

So the list of things
I give a fuck about
Is so short
It only includes
Pizza and not killing myself
And lately just pizza

--Don't flip out
I'm not really suicidal
I just want attention

Clearly, I mean, look what I'm doing
Look what's going on here
I'm in my gay roommate's bed
Basically saying let's fuck
Because I'm sad
I'm so fucking sad, Chris
Like, you can't even imagine
How sad I am

I know it's only been a month
But I don't think I'm ever going to get over Sarah

I mean, she's torn me, Chris
I'm really not a person anymore
Because of this--like, not the person I was, you know?
You know?
Fuck
I'm rambling
Did I say that?
Did I say I'm rambling?

You like me, right?
Don't you?
You like me, Chris?

This is needy and fucked up
But I need you to tell me you like me
Not just that you want to fuck me
Because that doesn't do anything for me
But girls telling me they like me
Doesn't do anything for me either
Because Sarah was a girl
And she liked me
And then she didn't
So I don't trust them anymore
Girls
The whole--what--the whole--the whole--
The whole FUCKING LOT OF THEM

I don't
Trust
Them

But I trust you

You're a good guy
And a good roommate
And I see you looking at me
When I'm walking around
And I don't mind
And I wanted to tell you that
I wanted to tell you
That I don't mind
And I think it's nice
I think it's really nice
And cool of you
To look at me
And to do it
When you think
I'm not looking
So I won't be freaked out

But now I'm here
And I'm telling you--Look
Go ahead
Look all you want
But tell me you like me first, okay?

Tell me and mean it
But only if you mean it
Because what this is right now
What it might look like
Like, I'm, you know, switching teams or something?

That's not what this is

I'm not gay
I just fucking hate women

But that's not a sexuality

Like, straight, gay and women destroy you
Are not the three sexual choices
So I guess...?

I don't fucking know what I guess

I just want to tell you
That this looks gay
And I get that
But it's not

It's just a broken heart

Break, you know--the word break
It's true

I'm broke
I'm broke down
She broke me
She really did

I had a drink tonight
A fucking drink
Can you--

FUCK

...I let myself down, you know?

I didn't even see it coming
That's what threw me
I thought if either of us left
It'd be me leaving
It's always been me leaving
And then she went
And pulled that rug
Right out from under me
And I was just standing there
Just standing there
So I put a--huh--I put a beer
In my hand
And I
Fucking
Drank it

Yes

Yes, yes, yes

So who the fuck cares who I get naked with?

I mean, in the grand scheme of things
Who fucking cares?

It's so hard, Chris
It's so damn hard
Just to find somebody
Who isn't going to hurt you

So...can we just...can we just lay here...for a sec, and then...

...Whatever you want to have happen...just...it can...

Go for it

Just as long as you don't hurt me, okay?
Just as long as you promise not to hurt me

I'll lay here with you
I'll lay here all night

I just need to fall asleep next to somebody tonight
And I don't give a fuck
Who it is