Emo Boy at Koalafest

I'm going to hang around to see Bargain Explosion
Even though they sort of sold out last year
By letting Target sell their albums

Letting a retail store sell your music
Is like giving birth to Mozart
And then throwing him in the river

But they're headlining
So it's going to be impossible not to hear them
From my tent
So I guess I might as well listen

I had to get here two months ago
To get the spot I like
And that was during the Nudist Festival
So I'm, like, psychologically scarred for life
And I hope the bands here can appreciate that
Because not everybody would go through something like that

I saw a woman with nipples tattooed on her actual nipples
I mean, she had nice boobs
But, like, redundant, you know?

I was excited about New Guinea
But they're stuck in Greenland
They went on a tour of countries
That end with the word 'land'

Switzerland, Greenland, Iceland, Finland
Their latest album is called Looking for Land
And there's a boat on the cover
And they're on the boat
And the boat is sailing through an ocean of money
And everything about them is so amazing
I feel too lacking as a human being
To listen to them

It's so cool that they bailed on this festival
After everybody already paid money
Thinking they were going to see them
They just sailed right thru all that money
All the way to Greenland

Flat Tortilla is here too
They sing everything in Spanish
And backwards
And they don't have an album yet
They just put up a few covers on Youtube
Of old Pat Benatar songs
And they're the best thing that's ever happened
To humanity

Although not as good as Octavia Spencer
The band, not Octavia Spencer herself
Octavia Spencer herself is suing the band
Octavia Spencer
Although she's never going to win
Because Octavia Spencer the band
Doesn't recognize the legal system
Which is why their first album cover
Had Bugs Bunny on it
Smoking a joint with the Hamburglar

You can come listen to it in my tent if you want

I forgot to bring bottled water
But I remembered my victrola
Which is, like, the only way to listen
To any band that's decent

But now I have to pay marked up prices for bottled water
And for the garlic hummus I have to eat at least once a day
Or I die from a deficiency of deliciousness

So yeah, stop by
Just don't wear that t-shirt
With that band's name on it

They're playing here
So you totally can't wear the t-shirt
It's like sacrilege

But you can borrow my New Guinea t-shirt
Just make sure you give it back to me

I'm going to wear it
When I see them in the Netherlands next year
At the Double Dutch Festival

It's going to end the Universe
With its unbelievability

For real