This Doesn't Mean a Thing

He walked up to me
And whispered in my ear

I must have looked stunned
Because my wife
Immediately asked
If we were being kicked out of the casino

I told her that the stately older gentlemen
Who had just walked up to me
And whispered in my ear
Offered me ten grand
If I would spend the night with him

My wife looked at me
And said--

'Did you just call somebody stately?'

- That's a word
- It's not a word that anybody uses.

He was handsome
Maybe forty-seven
But, like, a solid forty-seven
Very rugged, silver fox kinda guy
Not at all unattractive
And if I were into guys
Especially into older guys
I would have told him
'Keep the ten grand
This one's on me'
So why would he randomly proposition me?

Me with my wedding band on?
Me standing next to my wife?
My hand--literally on the small of her back
Trying to telepathically urge her
Not to let our mortgage payment ride on red

'Honey,' I said, 'Can we not focus on my vocabulary right now?'

'What's the big deal,' she said, 'Just be flattered.  It's not like you're actually going to do it.'

And she went back to playing

I didn't tell her that he slipped his business card
Into my pocket

Ten grand

He was offering me ten grand

I mean, let's be honest, okay?
I'm not a young kid
I'm not a model
Hell, on my best day
I'm sort of hunky
--According to my wife anyway
But hunky's like a word from the 90's
That nowadays means solid-y stocky

The thought of somebody not gross
--Even a guy--
Wanting to pay ten grand
To have sex with me?

I mean, women don't even look at me
That way anymore
Hell, my wife doesn't...

But it's okay
Because she thinks I'm hunky
And she says it in this cute voice
So I know that she's really barely attracted to me at all anymore
But she figures that's just a part of married life

Feeling sexy it...
It's a luxury
You learn to give up

And maybe I had given it up
Or given up on myself
Or whatever

But when this guy whispered that number in my ear...


I was more than flattered
I was...sort of...curious

That night, my wife and I stayed out late
And when we got back to the room
She passed right out

I took the business card out of my pocket
And I looked at it
I turned it over in my hand
About...ten times
And then I found a notepad
Hotel stationery, you know?
And I wrote my wife a note--

'Feeling lucky.  Be back in a bit.'

The, uh, older gentleman
Who may or may not have been stately
Wrote his room number
On the back of the business card

Did I mention that?

I don't think I mentioned that

And did I mention that he wrote a time?

He did

Two-oh-five
I remember because--
Why not two, you know?
Why two-oh-five?

Anyway, I knocked on his door
Right at two-oh-five
And the door opened
And it was him...

...And I went in

. . . . .

...Sometimes I wonder
What would make my wife angrier

The fact that I went
The fact that after I went I never told her I went
Or the fact that
After...going through with it
I...I didn't take the money

When the guy started counting out the cash
I told him 'No'
I told him he didn't have to
That I...uh...That I didn't want the money

I remember, he smiled
This really kind smile
And said--

'Taking the money doesn't make you anything, you know.  It doesn't mean a thing.  It's just my way of saying "Thank you."'

But that wasn't true

I mean, it definitely would have made me a hooker
Or a gigolo, or whatever
And the only solace there would be that--what?
That I wasn't gay?
That I just did something like that for the money?

As long as we kept it professional
I was safe from having to ask any awkward questions about myself

But fuck that
I didn't care
I just wanted to know he wanted me
That this guy
Who clearly can call all the shots if he wants to
Walked out onto that casino floor
With all those people on it
And he wanted me

And you can say 'ten grand is just ten grand'
But fuck you
It's still ten grand

It's ten grand more
Than I ever thought anybody would ever pay
Just to touch me
I mean, even at the height of my youth
I was not worth ten grand

Or at least...

That's what I thought

And now I know differently
Now I feel differently, you know?

And knowing that
Knowing your value?

I mean--shit

That's not something
You can put a price on