Bigfoot in the Treehouse

Kid, I know exactly how you feel

I've never come home from school with a black eye
But I have had entire television shows
Where people are trying to figure out where I am

You know, I watch these shows and I feel like saying--

You idiots, I'm right here
In Elliot's treehouse!

Why has nobody thought
To look in the treehouse?

By the way, do you want some tea?
Your sister was playing up here
And we had a party
And she left some tea here

I know, she's not allowed up here
I showed her the 'Boys Only' sign
But she started crying
And you know how I get when girls cry, Elliot
I had to let her in

And the tea wasn't bad
I think it's herbal
And my throat was sort of--

I mean, you go to school all day
And I'm stuck up here
And I have to worry about the birds
And the termites
And Captain Kablamo
Who you always leave up here with me
And who is a real jerk, let me tell you

He goes on and on
About the War of the Comet Hoppers
And even though he's a jerk
I don't have the heart
To tell him
He's just an action figure
From a tv show

I know how it feels to be mythological in nature
And have everybody tell you
That you don't really exist
It's no fun, Elliot

You don't know how nervous I get
Up here all by myself

I know I sound crazy sometimes
But you've never gone into a supermarket
Strictly to pick up some soy milk
Only to see your backside
On the cover of some sleazy tabloid

I know that when I moved into this treehouse
We agreed that you would maintain security
And in return
I'd scare away the kids who were bothering you

But you didn't tell me how big the kids were!
And they're really mean
And that Justin punches really hard
How can you blame me for not wanting to come down?

I'd rather deal with Captain Kablamo
Then deal with those guys

I guess you probably feel the same way
Otherwise you wouldn't be up here so much, huh?

I'm not stupid
I know you don't like shaving my feet
That much

Look, Elliot, it's your treehouse
You can be up here as much as you want
But sooner or later
You're going to have to leave all this behind
And live life on the ground

At least until you have your own kids
Or until the world becomes a safer place
For American folklore

You have to stand up to those bullies eventually

Aw, c'mon, how can you be scared of them?

You've been hanging out with a seven-foot furball
For the past year

You're not scared of me, or Captain Kablamo's archenemies
The Zortrons of Nush
Or ever your sister, who, I gotta tell you
Can be really terrifying
If you get her tea order wrong

So why are you scared of these guys?

If I could help I would
But we both know
You're braver than I am anyway

I know I'm big, and strong-looking and scary
But you can be as big as you want
And it doesn't make any difference
If you're what you're scared of
Is yourself

People want to know who I am
And even I don't know who I am yet

Bigfeet live to be two hundred
So technically, I'm a toddler
Is it any wonder I'm bad at fighting?

If I ever ran into those bullies
All I'd be able to do is beat my chest a few times
And then let out a howl that--

Oh wait, I'm thinking of what
Chewbacca would do

If nothing else
You know you can always come back here
And I'll be waiting for you
With an ice pack

That's the great thing about having a treehouse
When you're a kid

You get bigger
But so does the tree

Until one day you look up at the little house you shared
With Bigfoot, American Legend
And you think to yourself--

I'm too old to go climbing trees

One day you're not going to be able to hide out here anymore, Elliot
Even the biggest things on earth
Can't hide forever