You're Going to Get Me Drunk

Oh, I know what you're going to do
I already know
You know why?

Because--Well, two reasons
Two possible reasons
I would know

One is--I could be a mind-reader
And two is--You could just be really fucking predictable

So--let's talk about
What I think
You're going to do

You

Are going to get

Me drunk

Right?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, I was right
Wasn't I?

Hey, did you see that study that says people who drink live longer?
Provided they don't drink too much, which most people just sort of do, I mean, it's just something that happens--drinking isn't really a sort of thing
And also, provided, they don't get into a car drunk and drive into a pole or something

Well, that study was full of shit
Because the presumption is that people who don't drink aren't social
And the truth is
I am the most social motherfucker
You could ever hope to meet
In your entire life

I could turn this disgusting, lousy, shithole of a dive bar
Into the Grand Ole fucking Opry in ten seconds flat
If I had the urge to do so
But I--

--Do not

I just came here to see who was around
To see if I could meet any fun new people
And hey, look--I met you
And now I want to get laid

Which, I know, isn't very ladylike
But ho hum, that's the truth
And no, you do not need to get me drunk
In order for that to happen

If anything, you should really want to keep me sober
Because I am way
WAY
More fun
When I'm sober

When I'm drunk the last thing I want to do
Is perform extensive physical activity
While naked

When I'm drunk all I want to do is eat plain pasta
And watch whatever episode of Chopped
I have DVR-ed

To be totally honest with you
I find the whole drunk sex thing
To be drenched in undiscussed psychology

I mean, there's an undeniable deniability there, right?
I mean, it's like we're hoping to forget the whole experience
And, for all we know, we may end up loving it

We talk about letting our inhibitions go
But really, shouldn't the fact that we're about to have sex
Be enough to release all our inhibitions?

Unless of course, sex makes us feel guilty
In which case, we have some stuff to deal with
Wouldn't you say?
I mean, before we go ahead and have sex
We should really deal with that
Stuff

I bet, if you could
You would watch porn during sex
I bet you would watch really graphic
And intense pornographic movies
While having sex with me
If you could

I bet you're one of those guys
Who would involve toys
And drugs
And who knows what else
Obviously alcohol, but that's just sort of the first step, isn't it?
In your version of ideal sex

I bet you'd have all these bells and whistles
And, you know, what that telegraphs to me is--

That I'm not enough
That I wouldn't be enough

I mean, at that point, we may as well include other people
Into the equation

We may as well have a full-out orgy
Because once I'm even the second-most important element
In the sexual equation
I'm out
I'm done
Like, why bother, right?
Why even be there?
You may as well be jerking yourself off

I mean, if you get drunk right now
And we go back to your place, and, you know, do it
And I wake up and creep out in the middle of the night
And you wake up by yourself in the morning
Are you even going to be confident
That we actually had sex?

Am I getting my point across here?

So look, I'm the only decent-looking girl in this bar
And I'm not saying that from a place of arrogance
I'm saying that from a place of--
I'm the only fucking girl in this bar
But you are certainly not the only guy in this

You're the only decent-looking guy in this bar
I mean, you might be the only guy with opposable thumbs even
But in terms of odds
The odds of me getting laid if I walk away from this conversation right now
Are still really, really high
Whereas for you?
Not so much

So

You want to put down the drink
And take me home
Or do you want to keep pretending it's 1998
And getting a girl drunk
Is still a legitimate way
To seduce her?

Really
Totally
Completely

Up to you