And it was...disappointing
See, I was a clipboarder
One of those people on a movie set
Who walk around with clipboards
With no clue what they're doing
Just keep walking around
Talking into a headset
Getting bossed around by someone
Who might or might not be higher up than you
Turning around and doing the same thing
To someone who may or may not be lower than you
Drinking more coffee than any human being
Should ever consume in their entire life
And there was an actor
A very famous actor
Working on this movie
That I was working on
And one day, he kinda--
Ugh, you know, it's silly
It's so silly
Because I can't even say he seduced me
He literally just half-winked at me
And the next thing I knew
We were naked in his trailer
And I could hear people outside
Calling my name
Wondering where I was
Because I was NOT supposed to be in his trailer
But there I was
At one point, he had his hand over my mouth
Because we were--I guess laying low?
Even though everybody knew better
Than to knock on his door
He could have kept his hands to himself though
Because I wasn't making any noise
I didn't need to make any noise
It was...
I mean, it was almost unnatural
How little I enjoyed it
Oh, don't get me wrong
It was consensual
And he was perfectly nice
And gorgeous--of course he was gorgeous
He was a famous actor
They don't let unattractive people get that famous
So when I say it was 'unnatural'
What I mean is--
How could I not have enjoyed it?
I mean, I'm shallow
I'm really shallow
I'm hyper-aware of everything
That would make everyone I know
Insanely jealous of me
Money, career advancement, material things?
All up there on the envy charts, don't get me wrong
But sex with a famous actor
With this actor?
Number one by a mile
And yet as soon as we were...done
I thought--
Should I even tell anybody about this?
Because you want to tell people
Of course you want to tell people
But there's a part of you that thinks--
What if anybody asks me
How it was?
Then I can either tell the truth
And watch their envy disappear right in front of me
Or I can lie
And then I'll be a liar
Lying about something
I can't believe I'm actually lying about
So...
I didn't say anything
I mean, I was also asked not to say anything
By him, of course
And I said, Sure
But in my head I was thinking
I can't believe I'm actually not going to say anything about this
Not even to my friends
Because I'm worried that I won't be able to lie convincingly enough
About you being good in bed
Ugh
I laid there next to this man
This beautiful man
With perfect chest hair--
--You know how, like, three men on earth
Have perfect chest hair?--
--This guy had perfect chest hair
Perfect everything
And I laid there feeling nothing
And I thought--
Well, great
Now I have to find something else
To make my friends jealous
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