Look Away

My girlfriend was why I started working out in the first place
She...

She got in this amazing shape
For some reason, she flipped out
Had this crisis
Like--about her body
Out of nowhere, too
Because she'd never been like that
Never

She didn't tell me I had to start working out
But one day we're having sex
And I realize I have a gut
And she's got this tight body now
And all of a sudden
I'm feel self-conscious
About how I look

So I sign up for a gym

I went everyday for two weeks
And then, like, just on weekdays
And it felt good
But I couldn't really see that it was doing anything for me
Like, my body looked the same
At least, I thought it did
My girlfriend said I lost a few pounds
But who knows if that's true
I mean, my girlfriend's nice
Who knows if she was telling the truth

About two months into me going
I'm in the shower
Next to the locker room
And nobody else was there
Because it was early
I used to go before work
And sometimes I'd be the only one there
Aside from the guy that worked there

On this particular day
I was in the shower
And this guy walked in
Stood next to me
In the shower

A little older than me
Smiled, I smiled back
Although it was weird
Why are you smiling at me?
We're naked
Don't smile at me

That's what I thought
Not that I care
I mean, not that I cared because we were guys
I cared because we're naked
And we're strangers
We should be, you know
Not paying attention to each other
That's just kind of--etiquette--you know?

But he smiles at me
So I smile back
Because I'm not an asshole
And then I went back to washing my balls

...And then I notice...

Wow, uh...

Okay, yeah, this is what we're talking about so--
So okay, yeah
Then I notice him...

...Doing it...

...Touching...himself...

...Sort of--I mean, he wasn't fracking or anything
It was kinda subtle
Except not really
Because he's standing right next to me
Doing it, you know?
Waving to the Queen?

And I'm like--Should I say something?

I mean--what do you do?
What the hell do you?

So I took my hand off my balls
Because I had been washing them
When eh started
And, honestly, my ass was the next place to wash
But with everything suddenly being so sexual
I wasn't putting soap anywhere near there
Sorry--no, but--sorry

I was frozen
I just stood there
I couldn't move
Like what the fuck?
What the fuck was happening?

And this guy, he had--
He had a really nice body
I mean, it's one thing to have a guy jerking off next to you
But it's another thing when he's standing next to you
And all his muscles are throbbing and bulging
Muscles you don't have
So that when he's standing there jerking off
He looks like a fucking Rodin sculpture
And when you jerk off
It looks like Gollum trying to pry that magic ring off his dick
All hunched over
And sweaty and...

I was kind of...
It sort of went from
Shock to
Mesmerization, you know?

Like--watching him, it was--
Like it was something
Seriously
Like, I didn't know
Jerking off could look like that

So I...watched...and then...
He saw me and...
Then...he...watched me watch him

And then there was this...nod

...To me

Like--well?

Like--you gonna...?

So...

I mean, I'd been watching him
Right?

I'd been...looking, so...

It just...Oh geez, this sounds ridiculous, but...seriously...

It seemed...unfair...not to...do it back

So...I did

So there we were
Doing it
And...watching each other do it

And it's not like I...thought of guys
While I was doing it there next to him
But I...didn't think of girls either
I sure as fuck didn't think of my girlfriend

I just looked at him
And the bulging and the...
How new it all was to me
And new stuff turns me on
And all of this was new
So that got me going
And then...

...It was over

And he left

And I stood there

Wet
Kinda cold
Soapy still
Still hadn't rinsed, uh--and...

I stopped going to that gym

Then I stopped going to gyms altogether

Then my girlfriend and I broke up
And now I'm dating this chubby girl named Andrea
And I'm super happy

Part of me still worries that I'm going to see that guy again though

Sometimes I'll be in the shower
My own shower
At home
And...I'll get all panicky
Like--like he's going to just
Hop in with me or something
Like, out of the blue

And that's really nerve-wracking
But, what's even worse is--

When I think about that
I mean, when I think about that happening

...I get...you know...

Excited

The thought of it...

...It excites me

So...

...What the fuck does that mean?