Two Drivers

     (TWO DRIVERS sit side by side.)

DRIVER #1:  You know, I go too fast.  I rush through life.  I never take time to stop and really find gratitude for where I am.  I have no concept of how I'm getting to where I'm getting to, no--I mean, I never think about how I'm getting from one place to another, and that's all there is, right?  I mean, life is the traveling from one place to another.  I need to slow down.  I need to breathe.  I need to really take it all in and not just zoom around the way I do.  And you know what?  That starts today.  That starts right now.

DRIVER #2:  Oh my God, I have to go.  I have to go soooooooo bad.

ONE:  I'm going to take this one-lane stretch of road and I'm going to take it slowwww and easy.

TWO:  Oh yeah, sure, chili--that was a good idea.  Because maybe what happens every damn time I eat turkey chili at Pancho's won't happen this time.  Maybe I'll be fine.  Maybe I'll dance the night away and wake up tomorrow feeling great, and then leisurely stroll to my bathroom and calmly do my business and then finish off whatever's in the little carton that I took from the restaurant because that chili has no affect on me at all!  Maybe that's what'll happen this time.

     (ONE lets out a long, happy sigh.)

TWO:  I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!

ONE:  I feel like a new person.  A brand new person.

TWO:  What is this person in front of me doing?  What are they DOING?

ONE:  Sorry whoever's behind me.  But you picked the wrong day to try driving like a maniac.  Normally I'd let you pass me, but what better moment than this to teach somebody how powerful it can be to just slow down a little bit?

TWO:  I'm going to go in my pants.  I'm going to go in my pants, and then remove them, and then throw them at whoever is driving this car in front of me!

ONE:  I can't believe all the things I never noticed before!  Where have I been?

TWO:  Oh my God, where else can I go?  He's not going any faster.  I'm going to have to pull over and go somewhere else.

ONE:  The hardware store--

TWO:  I'd have to buy a hammer.  No.

ONE:  The gas station--

TWO:  Employees only.  I learned that the last time I had the chili.

ONE:  The IHOP--

TWO:  I'm not pooping in an IHOP.  What am I--an ice road trucker?

ONE:  I'm so aware of things.  My breathing--

TWO:  Okay, breathe deep.  Breathe deep.  I don't know why I think that'll do anything, but it makes me feel better.

ONE:  And in--

TWO:  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck--

ONE:  And out--(Exhales.)

TWO:  FUUUUUUUUUCK!

ONE:  That felt good.

TWO:  Wait, am I wearing underwear today?

ONE:  Life is good.

TWO:  I don't think I'm wearing underwear.

ONE:  And everything is life, isn't it?

TWO:  I just this car washed.  Oh my God.

ONE:  Thank you God.

TWO:  OH MY GOD!

ONE:  For this ride has become a bounty.

TWO:  And I'm out of toilet paper at home!  ARGH!

ONE:  A thick, soft bounty of grace.

TWO:  I am going to murder the person in front of me.

ONE:  (Singing.)  I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun knows me by name--

TWO:  Maybe he'll turn soon.  He's the only car in front of me.  If he just turns soon--

ONE:  (Looking in the rearview mirror.)  Oh my goodness!  I know that car!  That's the car that's always parked next to mine!  Could that be my neighbor?

TWO:  Please turn, please!

ONE:  I'm noticing more things already.  It's just too bad I don't know the guy.  Maybe we were going to the same place and I could have given him a ride.  Gosh, I can't believe we live in a day and age where people aren't well-acquainted with their neighbors.  Especially considering the fact that we both live in the same apartment building!

TWO:  When this is all over, I'm going to find this asshole and light their house on fire.

ONE:  Maybe I should pull over and have a nice conversation with him.

TWO:  Could I poop in a bush?  Like, on a main road?  Do I have it in me to do that?

ONE:  A nice chat.

TWO:  Could I get arrested for something like that?

ONE:  The world needs more friendly conversation.

TWO:  I mean, it's not my fault.  I mean, it sort of is, I ordered the chili--but oh my god, it's so good.

ONE:  When I get home, I'm going to call up everybody in my family and tell them I love them.

TWO:  As soon as I get home and destroy my bathroom with whatever's trying to escape from my body right now, I'm totally going to eat the rest of this left-over chili.  I'm just going to be honest with myself and admit that.

ONE:  I'm just so happy to be alive.

TWO:  Why must the human body function this way?

ONE:  I have my health.

TWO:  I feel like that guy in Alien right before the alien clawed its way out of his stomach.

ONE:  I have my friends.

TWO:  Scott and Rob ate the chili too.  And they live even farther away than me.  Those poor bastards.

ONE:  I have this nice car.

TWO:  This car is so nice.

ONE:  Practically new.

TWO:  And I am going to poop in it.  I am going to poop in this car.

ONE:  Nothing but gratitude.

TWO:  How do I even go on living after that?

ONE:  Things just can't get any better.

TWO:  Things can't get worse.

ONE:  A train crossing!  And the train's coming.  That's great.  I love trains.

TWO:  Noooooooo!

ONE:  I might as well turn the car off.

     (TWO begins to cry.  ONE smiles.)

What a lovely day.