Mr. Ward Retires

...Leave the pencils

Leave the pens
Leave them wherever you like
Leave any and all supplies
But do not throw them out
Do not throw anything out
Do not shred anything
Whatever needs to be disposed of
Or shredded
Will be disposed of or shredded
By the section head

Mr. Ward, we thank you for your service
We appreciate the years and years of dedicated work
That you've donated to the section
Now, please cut the blue chip out of your left arm
And leave it in the box provided to you
By the section head

Mr. Ward, we'd like to take this opportunity to marvel
At the remarkable length of your career here
We'd also like to take this time to remind you
That all your previous disclosure contracts
Involving any and all knowledge
About the section
Or any of the other sections
That you either know or do not know about
But may perhaps have dreamed up on your own
Over the course of these many, many years

We'd ask you to do your best
To maintain your physical abilities
During your retirement from the section

At your age, the likelihood that you'll be called back into service
Is small, but we reserve the right to request your assistance up to
And even after your death

Also, please remember to keep your mind sharp and focused
Maintain a positive attitude
It's common for former employees of the section
To experience depression, insomnia, loss of appetite
Ulcers, mouth sores, radiation poisoning
Various forms of cancer, strokes, heart attacks
Paranoia, extreme paranoia, more-than-extreme paranoia
And suicidal thoughts

We'd like to remind you that under no circumstances
Are you allowed to kill yourself

If the urge to kill or maim does present itself
Please contact your section head
Or whomever the section head is at that time
And he or she will give you the name of a person
We wouldn't mind you taking care of for us
In fact, this is even encouraged
After all, it's important to have a hobby
Once you're no longer working

Finally, we'd like to urge you
To never see a therapist or other doctor
Despite experiencing any unhappiness
Due to your lack of employment
Or the things you've done during your employment
And instead, suffer silently
Like a real man
And not a crying baby who needs his mama

Thank you again, Mr. Ward
Godspeed
And if you think somebody is following you out of the building
And tailing you back to your house
We'd like to assure you
That isn't true

If you're wondering why all employees seem to die so suddenly
After they retire from the section
We'd like to give you our official statement on the matter
Which is--

'No comment'

Now, go out there
And enjoy the rest of your life

However long that may be