Friday, July 31, 2020

The Mole Pretends Not To Be A Mole

I don’t know

What makes you think

I’m the mole, Nicky


Just because I like to burrow?


That don’t mean nothing


A lot of guys

Like to burrow, Nicky

A lot of guys


You think Mickey

Don’t like to burrow

You think I never seen

Tony burrow?


Why, the Sarge goes out

With his wife burrowing

At least twice a month


But I’m the mole, huh?

That’s how it is?


Geez, a guy can’t even

Live underground these days

Without people thinking

Things about him


Do I like living

Underneath the soil?

Sure, I do, Nicky

Sure I do


But that don’t mean

I’m a mole

And I’m offended, Nicky

That’s right

I’m offended

That you’d think that

About me

Your old pal


I thought you knew me

Better than that, Nicky


We came up together

In the Academy


Back when Sheila

Kicked you out of the house

You used to stay

In my hole

In that garden

Next to the farm

And I didn’t think twice about it

Did I?


How many nights

Did we stay up

With you reading me

The evening paper

Because I’m blind?


And how many nights

Did I use my sense of smell

To snatch us

Some good grub?


Now here you are

Looking at my hands

And telling me

They look like paws


Just because a guy

Looks like he has paws

And whiskers

That don’t make him

No mole, Nicky


You know that

And I know that


Haven’t I been

An asset

To this department?

Haven’t I sniffed out

One crime

After another?

And now you think

I’m some kind of mole?

Why, I got half a mind

To take my carrots

And my lettuce

And my slugs

That I eat for lunch every day

And go home

To my tunnel

Because I can’t believe

What I’m hearing


My fur is ruffled, Nicky

It really--


I mean, if I had fur

If I had fur

It would be ruffled


My metaphorical

Fur and snout

Are on fire right now


I’m a detective, Nicky

And I’m proud to be one

And you standing there

Asking me

If I’m a mole

Is going to change

How I think about you

Forever


If I could see the look

You’re giving me

Right now

I bet I’d be really

Really

Hurt

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Now You Like It

     (JOHN and JANE are sitting with their mothers, JEANNIE and JOANNE.)

JOHN:  Now, Mom, when we said that you and Joanne could help plan the wedding, we thought we made it clear that you could have input but not influence.

JEANNIE:  What the hell does that mean?

JANE:  It just means that we found out you've been interacting with the wedding planner a little more than we would like.

JOANNE:  Is that the girl with the bangs?

JANE:  That's Lindsey, yes.

JOANNE:  Those bangs--oof.

JOHN:  Lindsey told us that you wanted to switch caterers?

JEANNIE:  The woman wanted to serve shrimp cocktail.

JANE:  Is that...Is that bad?

JEANNIE:  John hates shrimp cocktail.

JOHN:  No, I don't.

JEANNIE:  You hate shrimp cocktail.  You've never liked it.

JOHN:  What are you talking about?

JEANNIE:  When you were a kid, I couldn't get you to eat shrimp cocktail.

JOHN:  What kid eats shrimp cocktail?

JEANNIE:  Because they don't like it.

JOHN:  But I like it now.

JEANNIE:  Oh, now you like it!

JANE:  Jeannie, people change, you know, that does happen.

JOANNE:  Like how you changed, you mean?

JANE:  Mom, what are you talking about?

JOANNE:  All the flowers for the wedding.  You're using lilies.

JANE:  I love lilies.

JOANNE:  You used to hate lilies.

JANE:  When?

JOANNE:  When you were going to prom, that nice boy who took you brought you lilies and you were so upset.

JANE:  Well nobody wants lilies for prom.

JOANNE:  Your father brought me lilies when he took me to prom. Why do you think I told that nice boy who brought you--who's still single by the way, you know, just in case this doesn't work out--that you'd LOVE lilies.

JANE:  I--okay, um--I am having lilies now. And I had to call the florist and tell her that, because you told her to switch it to white roses.

JOANNE:  You love white roses.

JANE/JOHN:  No, I don't./No, she doesn't.

JOANNE:  You always had white roses in your hair when you were younger.

JANE:  That was Jessica.

JEANNIE:  Jessica?

JANE:  My sister.

JEANNIE:  Ooooh.

JOANNE:  No!  Jessica liked red roses. You liked the white roses.

JANE:  Not true.

JEANNIE:  John's brother James liked spaghetti, but not John.

JOHN:  James hates spaghetti.

JEANNIE:  He loves it!

JOHN:  No, he doesn't.

JEANNIE:  So you're saying you like it?

JOHN:  No, I don't like it either.

JEANNIE:  THEN WHO THE HELL LIKES SPAGHETTI?

JANE:  I like spaghetti.

JOANNE:  No, you don't.

JOHN:  Can you two please just take a step back while we put all this together?

JEANNIE:  We want us to take a step back, we'll take a step back.

JOANNE:  No skin off my tucchus.

JANE:  Thank you.  You can just come enjoy the wedding.  That's all we want anyway.

JOHN:  The whole point is to keep things simple.

JOANNE:  You used to hate keeping things simple.

JANE:  That was Jessica.

JOANNE:  Jessica didn't like simple things.  Jessica liked big parties and limousines like a movie star.

JANE:  You're thinking of Elizabeth Taylor.

JOANNE:  I am--Oh you know what?  I am thinking of Elizabeth Taylor.

JOHN:  You confuse your daughter with Elizabeth Tay--

JANE:  John, don't bother.

JEANNIE:  So it's going to be simple?

JANE:  Yes, that's why we're not doing it in a chur....um.

JEANNIE:  What were you about to say?

JANE:  Nothing.

JOANNE:  Did you say you're not getting married in a church?

JOHN:  We're just--neither one of us is...very...religious.

JEANNIE/JOANNE:  Since when?/WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

JANE:  We want the wedding to be secular.

JOANNE:  You mean with the witches and the sacrifices?

JANE:  Not pagan, just not religious.

JOANNE:  That's the same thing!

JOHN:  It's going to be so nice outside, Mom.

JEANNIE:  You're not going to get married in a church after all those years I sent you to CCD?

JOHN:  I never went to CCD.

JEANNIE:  You loved CCD.

JOHN:  Mom, I never went.

JEANNIE:  THEN WHO THE HELL WAS I SENDING TO CCD ALL THOSE YEARS?

JANE:  I promise you'll both have a very nice time.

JOANNE:  Or I'll drop dead.  Not that it matters.

JEANNIE:  I'll drop dead on top of you.  They can climb over us on their way to the altar.

JOHN:  There's not going to be an altar, because it's outside.

JEANNIE:  YOU'RE NOT HAVING AN ALTAR EITHER?

JANE:  We should have just eloped.

JOHN:  No, I would've hated eloping.

JEANNIE:  What are you talking about?  You would love to elope.

JANE:  We have to have them at the wedding, right?

JOHN:  Maybe they can go to Jessica's wedding and we'll just tell them it was ours.

JOANNE:  Jessica's already married.

JANE:  No, she's not.

JOANNE:  Oh.  Then who's married?

JOHN:  Not us if this keeps up.

End of Play

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

I Think I Smell A Rat

There’s three of you

Kneeling in front of me


I know one of you

Is lying


I know one of you

Knows

Which one

Is lying


And the third one

Is just

Some poor schmuck

Who’s about

To be

In the wrong place

At the wrong time


I got a knife

I got a nice knife

Sharp

Kept up

Not like how

Most people

Treat their knives

These days


My father taught me

How to treat a knife


My father taught me
About a lot of things


How to do those things

And not feel bad about it


Because food costs

And clothes cost

And the things you want in life

Cost


And the cost meets

The price

And the price

Is always

High


Three kneeling in front

One a liar

One knows who the liar is

And the schmuck


Now I’ll tell you

What I know


I know

That the schmuck

Gets the knife


How do I know that?


Because that’s how life is


The liar survives

The guy who supports

The liar

Survives

Because he supports

The liar

But he pays up eventually


And the schmuck

In the wrong place

At the wrong time

Gets his throat cut


Does the devil ever come

For the liar?

He might


He comes for us all

Doesn’t he?


But the liar plays keep away

And it’s possible

That today

The liar is going to stand up

And walk out of here

A little shaken up

But with his neck

Still intact


I guess I could slice up

All three of you

And secure my chances

Of getting

What I came here for


But I don’t like waste

And to tell you the truth

I have a bit of respect

For the liar


It’s an honest profession

Being a liar

Because you spend your life

Knowing that nothing is shit

And nobody means nothing

And if you worry too much

About how you get out of jams

Like this one

And who gets cut

As a result

Then one day

You’re the schmuck


I’m going to ask one of you

If you’re the liar

And you can say

Whatever you want

Because ultimately

It doesn’t matter


Like I said

Nothing matters


But not everybody

Gets

To stand

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

When You Win On Jeopardy

When you win at Jeopardy

Your older sister calls first

To say she watched

And she loved it

And how did you know that?
About that book?

How did you know

Who invaded that county

And when

And what the General’s name was?


You kept it a secret

From your sister

From your sister, Laura

That you were going on the show

And then you told yourself

You had to

Because you signed a contract

Saying you wouldn’t discuss the show

Or being on the show

Or how you did

And certainly not 

If you won


You know Laura is upset

But you also know Laura

Handles being upset

By telling you

How happy she is for you

And there it is

Her saying ‘I’m happy for you’

And you finish the phone call

And then you go back

To responding to messages

And emails on your computer

From well-wishers

And people asking

What you’ll do

With the money you won


Then the phone rings

And it’s Laura

And you think

She must have been

Calling back

By accident

And you still have so much to do

So you send her to voicemail

Saying that if it’s important

She’ll leave a message

And you’ll call her back later


As predicted, a voicemail comes

After answering a message

From your boss

About how he’d like to promote you

Being on the game show

To get more customers at the restaurant

Where you’re the head chef


You were hesitant

To do a viewing party at the restaurant

But you know

There are going to be seven more nights

Of you on Jeopardy

And it only makes financial sense

To capitalize off of it


At least it’s a Friday

And you have the weekend

To decide

Although you should start

Marketing it

Sometime tomorrow afternoon

And all of that

Is going through your mind

As you listen to the voicemail

From your sister

Telling you

That she doesn’t want

To talk to you anymore


That’s it

It’s a short message

And you don’t bother

Listening to it

Again


When your sister was ten

Your parents got you a dress

For your thirteenth birthday

And your sister was furious

Because the dress was her favorite color

And she went in your room

With a pair of scissors

And destroyed the dress


For that action

Your mother made her stand out

In the backyard

Not speaking

For three hours

In the heat of July


Inside, you sat with a book

Not all that sad

About the dress

But most disturbed

By how your mother hummed

While she put a pie together

And let one of her two daughters

Nearly pass out

Because she had been baited

Because your mother knew

That the dress

Was your sister’s favorite color

And that’s why

She bought it for you


Something was put

Between you and your sister

A long time ago

And you’ve never been able

To lift it out of the way

So you could get to her


The voicemail will sit on your phone

For a year

Before you delete it

And around that same time

They’ll rerun your episode of Jeopardy

And your phone will ring

And it will be your sister

To say she saw the episode

And she forgot how well you did


How did you know

What the national flag

Of that country looks like?

How did you know

Who wrote that book

And what their daughter’s name was?


How did you know?
How did you know

So much


And you tell her

You don’t know


You don’t know

How you know

What you know