The Mole Pretends Not To Be A Mole

I don’t know

What makes you think

I’m the mole, Nicky

Just because I like to burrow?

That don’t mean nothing

A lot of guys

Like to burrow, Nicky

A lot of guys

You think Mickey

Don’t like to burrow

You think I never seen

Tony burrow?

Why, the Sarge goes out

With his wife burrowing

At least twice a month

But I’m the mole, huh?

That’s how it is?

Geez, a guy can’t even

Live underground these days

Without people thinking

Things about him

Do I like living

Underneath the soil?

Sure, I do, Nicky

Sure I do

But that don’t mean

I’m a mole

And I’m offended, Nicky

That’s right

I’m offended

That you’d think that

About me

Your old pal

I thought you knew me

Better than that, Nicky

We came up together

In the Academy

Back when Sheila

Kicked you out of the house

You used to stay

In my hole

In that garden

Next to the farm

And I didn’t think twice about it

Did I?

How many nights

Did we stay up

With you reading me

The evening paper

Because I’m blind?

And how many nights

Did I use my sense of smell

To snatch us

Some good grub?

Now here you are

Looking at my hands

And telling me

They look like paws

Just because a guy

Looks like he has paws

And whiskers

That don’t make him

No mole, Nicky

You know that

And I know that

Haven’t I been

An asset

To this department?

Haven’t I sniffed out

One crime

After another?

And now you think

I’m some kind of mole?

Why, I got half a mind

To take my carrots

And my lettuce

And my slugs

That I eat for lunch every day

And go home

To my tunnel

Because I can’t believe

What I’m hearing

My fur is ruffled, Nicky

It really--

I mean, if I had fur

If I had fur

It would be ruffled

My metaphorical

Fur and snout

Are on fire right now

I’m a detective, Nicky

And I’m proud to be one

And you standing there

Asking me

If I’m a mole

Is going to change

How I think about you

Forever

If I could see the look

You’re giving me

Right now

I bet I’d be really

Really

Hurt