But You Hear Russian Over Your Shoulder

You sit on a bench

And you think of

The time you were strapped

To a chair

Tortured

Asked questions

Questions you couldn’t answer

Because they had no answer

Because the point was

They had no answer

The point wasn’t

To get you

To answer

The point was to see

If you would break

You didn’t

You never broke

Your torturer

Would become your mentor

And when five days

Of this agony had passed

He looks at you with pride

And tells you

That you will be famous

Among those

Who can never be known

You will be

His greatest accomplishment

Your fingernails are gone

Your nose is broken

You don’t know

If you have any teeth left

But the most feared man

In the country

Is telling you

That you have done well

And you have never been happier

And never felt better

As you spit out

A piece of your own tongue

When you fled the country

It was with your daughter

Her mother had only been dead

For two hours

And she was in the bathtub

Made to look as though

She took her own life

And that was how you knew

That somewhere

Somehow

You made a mistake

It didn’t seem likely

But then again

It’s not always an act

Against the regime

It could be a perceived slight

An erosion of trust

Or the expired favor

Of someone in power

Your mentor and former torturer

Can’t protect you

Because you slit his throat

One night in Milan

After you were given the order

It was handed to you

Written on a napkin

By a beautiful woman

Who appeared to be

Giving you her phone number

‘Give it to her good,’

Your mentor said

And a minute later

His blood was spilling out

Over the bar

Your daughter was two

She slept in your arms

As you waited at the airport

Wondering if someone with a gun

Would walk up to you

And tell you

To come with them

If that happened

You were ready

To hand your daughter

To whatever stranger

Was nearby

And ask them

To take care of her

Instead, you made it here

To England

To a park

And a bench

Where you can sit

And think about

How lucky you are

To have gotten

This far

That doesn’t stop

The nightmares

That doesn’t stop you

From keeping a gun of your own

Under your pillow

And under your bed

And behind your headboard

Your daughter is grown

She doesn’t know

Why you’re so jumpy

And why you won’t let her

Ask about her mother

You tell her to look forward

And that’s what you do as well

You look forward

Even now

You’re looking forward

And for the first time

You breathe the air

In one breathe

And enjoy the sounds

Of children laughing

On the playground

And birds singing

In the fountain

You’re trying

To take it all in

And exhale

As deeply

As you can

But you hear Russian
Over your shoulder