I Wouldn't Say I Was Murdered

     An Office in the Afterlife

DIANA:  We're just so happy you're here.  We understand that means you're no longer alive, but--

GRETA:  That's okay.  We all gotta die sometime.

DIANA:  I'm so glad you have that outlook on it.  It's so hard, sometimes, when a person's life is cut short--

GRETA:  I never expected to die of old age.  When I was a kid, I tried to jump into the lion pen at the zoo and one time, I hit myself with an electric fly swatter.  I've been chasing death...pretty much forever.

DIANA:  I saw all that in your, uh, file.  So--we just need to get a few details squared away, and then, you're welcome to walk right on into heaven.

GRETA:  Sounds great.

DIANA:  Age you were when you died?

GRETA:  Twenty-seven.

DIANA:  Location of death.

GRETA:  Salt Lake City.

DIANA:  And how did you die?

GRETA:  Assassination.

DIANA:  Murder.  Got it.

GRETA:  No.

DIANA:  No?

GRETA:  No.  I was assassinated.

DIANA:  Right.  You were murdered.

GRETA:  Well...there's a difference.

DIANA:  Oh, I--I know there is.  I just--I don't think you know there is.

GRETA:  Noooo...I know there is.  That's why I said there is...one.

DIANA:  Okay, well, as I understand it, important people are assassinated, and regular people are...just...murdered.

GRETA:  Yes, I get that.

DIANA:  So you were...(Simultaneous.)...murdered.

GRETA:  (Simultaneous.)  Assassinated.

DIANA:  Greta, you were a wonder--nice.  You were a nice person when you were on earth.  But, uh, assassinations are what happens to, you know, politicians or--

GRETA:  People with blue check-marks.

DIANA:  What?

GRETA:  I had a blue check-mark.

DIANA:  Like a tattoo?

GRETA:  No, on Twitter.

DIANA:  I'm sorry...?

GRETA:  I was verified on Twitter.

DIANA:  Is that supposed to be a good thing?

GRETA:  It's a great thing.  It means I'm important.

DIANA:  What did you have to do to get the blue check-mark?

GRETA:  Oh, I have no idea.

DIANA:  Then--why do you assume it means you're--

GRETA:  Well, they don't give them to everybody.  You have to be somebody to get a blue check-mark.

DIANA:  But you don't know why you were given one?

GRETA:  I mean, I have a lot of followers.

DIANA:  Like Jesus?

GRETA:  Oh god, way more than Jesus.  Jesus had--what?  Eleven?

DIANA:  Twelve.

GRETA:  Yeah, Jesus would not be getting a blue check-mark.

DIANA:  Well, it was more once--

GRETA:  But like--movie stars, people on The Bachelor, all the Real Housewives--

DIANA:  And these people are considered...important?

GRETA:  Yes.

DIANA:  But what have they...done?  You know, to...be...important?

GRETA:  They're, like, well-known.

DIANA:  But that, in and of itself, doesn't make you important.

     (A beat.)

GRETA:  Excuse me?

DIANA:  Being well-known doesn't make you important.

GRETA:  What does it make you?

DIANA:  Well-known.

GRETA:  You're just saying the same words, but making them sound different.

DIANA:  No, I'm not.  You were murdered.

GRETA:  I was assassinated.

DIANA:  Did the person who murdered you do so out of some...political motivation?

GRETA:  Uh.  Yes.

DIANA:  What was that motivation?

GRETA:  She was jealous of me.

DIANA:  Who was?

GRETA:  My assassin.

DIANA:  And what is your, uh, assassin's name?

GRETA:  Britney.

DIANA:  Okay, um, why--was Britney jealous of you?

GRETA:  Oh right, you need to write this down, um, so put--Because I'm pretty.

DIANA:  And how did she--uh--

GRETA:  Assassinate.

DIANA:  --Assassinate you?

GRETA:  She poisoned me.

DIANA:  Wow.

GRETA:  And then I choked.

DIANA:  You choked?

GRETA:  After being poisoned.

DIANA:  But--how do you know you were poisoned?

GRETA:  Um, I wouldn't just choke.  I know how to chew.

DIANA:  Greta, people choke all the time.

GRETA:  People who know how to--

DIANA:  Yes, even people who know how to chew.

GRETA:  I'm sticking with assassination by poison.

DIANA:  Greta, if that's what you want to list as cause of death, then--That's what I'll put.

GRETA:  Excellent.  Also, how do I get into the VIP part of heaven?

DIANA:  There is no VIP part.  It's heaven.

GRETA:  But there must be, like, Somewhat Better Heaven, right?

     (A beat.)

DIANA:  No, that's not a thing.

GRETA:  Then I'm not sure I belong here.

DIANA:  You know what?  I'm starting to think the exact same thing.

     End of Play