The Snails Discuss Hooking Up

     (AMELIA and ABBY are having lunch.)

AMELIA:  He thought...I was coming...out of my...shell.

ABBY:  For him?

AMELIA:  I...told him to...come by, but I didn't say anything about...coming out...of my...shell.

ABBY:  He just...shows up and thinks you're...going to--

AMELIA:  Yes!

ABBY:  Un...believable.

AMELIA:  Not only that--I didn't tell you...this part.

ABBY:  Don't even...tell me.

AMELIA:  I'm going to...tell you.

ABBY:  Do...not...tell me...he--

AMELIA:  He showed up...NOT WEARING HIS SHELL.

ABBY:  Disgusting.

AMELIA:  I thought...a worm...died...on my front door.  Turns out, it's just..Alonzo...with no shell on!

ABBY:  I wouldn't...have even...opened...the...door.

AMELIA:  Well, I didn't...know...what...to do.

ABBY:  I would have called...my mother.

AMELIA:  I thought...about it.

ABBY:  Why...didn't you?

AMELIA:  Well...remember...at this point...I'm...a male.

ABBY:  Oh...You were...a male...snail...at that point?

AMELIA:  Yes!  I've only been...a female...again...for a few...weeks.

ABBY:  How...long were you...a male when this...happened?

AMELIA:  I think it had been about...two...days.

ABBY:  So it was very...new...for you.

AMELIA:  Yes, and so...I opened...the door--

ABBY:  Okay.

AMELIA:  And I say...'Alonzo, I'm a...male...snail...now.  This isn't going...to work.  We can't...mate.'

ABBY:  So...what does he do?

AMELIA:  He says...'Just...hook up...with the...female...parts...of me...then.'

ABBY:  Because he's...both.

AMELIA:  Well...we're all both.

ABBY:  No...I know.

AMELIA:  But...at that point, I wasn't interested in the...female...parts of him.

ABBY:  Right.

AMELIA:  Or the male parts.

ABBY:  Got it.

AMELIA:  I mean, he showed up WITH NO SHELL ON.

ABBY:  Gross.

AMELIA:  I said 'Alonzo, go home.'

ABBY:  Go put on your shell.

AMELIA:  Well, if he puts on his shell, he will be home.

ABBY:  Right.  Sorry.

AMELIA:  He starts to cry.

ABBY:  Oh boy.

AMELIA:  Nobody's laid eggs with him yet.

ABBY:  That's not your problem.

AMELIA:  I know, but something about seeing him cry triggers the male parts of me.

ABBY:  Why?

AMELIA:  I don't know.  My male parts are very attracted to vulnerability.

ABBY:  See, my male parts are only attracted to being told how stupid I am.

AMELIA:  That's my female parts.

ABBY:  You need to work on that, Amelia.

AMELIA:  I know, but my therapist wants to charge me double if I try to work on both my parts in one session.

ABBY:  What a crook.

AMELIA:  I tell Alonzo to come inside, and next thing you know, I've got my shell off.

ABBY:  But did you want to take your shell off?

AMELIA:  Truthfully, my female parts weren't that into it, but once my male parts saw Alonzo's female parts, I was all in.

ABBY:  Does Alonzo have nice female parts?

AMELIA:  Are we objectifying right now?

ABBY:  The female parts of us aren't.

AMELIA:  Well, as a snail with male parts, I'll say that I really enjoyed his female parts and I'll leave it at that, because I'm a gentleman.

ABBY:  All right.

AMELIA:  So...it happened.

ABBY:  Did he end up--

AMELIA:  Ninety-two eggs.

ABBY:  My god.

AMELIA:  Alonzo's not much of a man, but he's quite a woman.

ABBY:  Congratulations.

AMELIA:  Thank you.  I just wanted to have him over and show him my new shell patterns.

ABBY:  Then off go the shells.

AMELIA:  Off go the shells.  Remind me not to think with my male parts during mating season.

ABBY:  Hopefully you'll be a woman again by the time the next mating season comes around.

AMELIA:  If I am, I'm staying behind the watering can.  No way am I laying any eggs.

ABBY:  I get it.

AMELIA:  No thank you.

ABBY:  I just want to have a nice time with someone, you know?

AMELIA:  Mhmm.

ABBY:  I mean, is it so wrong to want to take it slow?

     End of Play