-- Nobody calls Kevin Broccoli a tease. Don't worry, this won't burn any bridges. A bridge by definition is something that's connected to two places, and neither one of these two is going anywhere. --
"They're Perfect for Each Other"
They waited to make it official
They wanted to wait
Until they'd slept
With every single person
Willing to sleep with them
Before settling for each other
They wanted to check with all their friends
To make sure nobody else wanted them
They waited until summer was over
They waited until school had started
So they could parade around with each other
Acting like their love affair
Was one for the ages
Now they love to stand around
Looking superior to those
Who they assume want them
And they put out just enough vibes
To let other guys know
That given the chance
They'd break faster
Than the players out the huddle
They cuddle while dreaming
Of other sexual opportunities
And watch Glee while sexting other teens
They met while peer counseling
Their friends all call them messes
Confessing that they're not impressed
By how they dress or interact
And the ones who aren't too embarrassed
Admit to having been offered
Admittance into their club
After being harrassed online
By one of both them
A sullen 'fine' when the offer
Was turned down
Around town they perfect their sneers
And token inside jokes
Choking the social potential
Of their deferential lackeys
Packing off the minute
One gets a smile but not the other
If you're not in for the package
Then you ain't getting the deal
They steal arguments
Quiet arguments with each other
That soon become public
When one tricks the other
Into looking like a dick
In front of everybody
'There? Do you see?'
There's the victory
Getting to look like the abused on here
So someone will come to the rescue
But there's no rescuing
Someone from perfection
And these two?
They're perfect for each other
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Jelly Bracelets
We made all the boys wear bracelets
Plastic jelly bracelets
That we can break off
Here's how it works--
If we break off a yellow bracelet
It means the boy has to talk about his feelings
He has to hold hands with us
And cry in front of us
Without feeling ashamed
If we break off a pink bracelet
He has to get in touch with his feminine side
He has to try walking in our mom's heels
And he has to paint his nails
Without making a mess
If we break off a purple bracelet
He has to stand up to his mother
And tell her that he loves us
And she can't stand in the way
Of our happiness OR tell us how to raise our kids
If we break off a red bracelet
He has to take out the garbage
Empty out the dishwasher
Get the car washed
And pick up the kids at soccer practice
If we break off a green bracelet
He has to plan a romantic evening
Where he lights candles
Gives us a backrub
And watches a movie with Diane Lane in it with us
If we break off a clear bracelet
Then he has to tell us we look beautiful
A hundred times a day
For a month
And not complain about it
If we break off a black bracelet
He can't ask us for sex
Until we're in the mood
And when we are in the mood
He has to put on the fireman helmet we bought him
If we break off a white bracelet
He has to announce to the whole school
That our son is gay
And he's still proud of him
And that we will be attending his commitment ceremony
And you wonder why this
Is our new favorite game
Plastic jelly bracelets
That we can break off
Here's how it works--
If we break off a yellow bracelet
It means the boy has to talk about his feelings
He has to hold hands with us
And cry in front of us
Without feeling ashamed
If we break off a pink bracelet
He has to get in touch with his feminine side
He has to try walking in our mom's heels
And he has to paint his nails
Without making a mess
If we break off a purple bracelet
He has to stand up to his mother
And tell her that he loves us
And she can't stand in the way
Of our happiness OR tell us how to raise our kids
If we break off a red bracelet
He has to take out the garbage
Empty out the dishwasher
Get the car washed
And pick up the kids at soccer practice
If we break off a green bracelet
He has to plan a romantic evening
Where he lights candles
Gives us a backrub
And watches a movie with Diane Lane in it with us
If we break off a clear bracelet
Then he has to tell us we look beautiful
A hundred times a day
For a month
And not complain about it
If we break off a black bracelet
He can't ask us for sex
Until we're in the mood
And when we are in the mood
He has to put on the fireman helmet we bought him
If we break off a white bracelet
He has to announce to the whole school
That our son is gay
And he's still proud of him
And that we will be attending his commitment ceremony
And you wonder why this
Is our new favorite game
Sleeping Beauty is Not a Morning Person
You want me to go where?
Uh...
Look, you're cute and all
And I appreciate you doing that whole
Cut through the forest of thorns
Slay the dragon thing
But I'm still really tired
And my hair's a mess
And I haven't brushed my teeth in like
A million years
So I think I just need to sort of
Acclimate myself
Back into being awake
Do you know what I mean?
Ohhh look at the pretty spinning wheel!
AHHH!
You don't have to scream at me
I just wanted to look at it
God, what's your issue?
You smell like a brier patch
And not in a good way
I'm going to get five more minutes
BUT I'M TIRED!
Did you bring coffee?
Are you kidding me?
You're supposed to rescue me
It's not rescuing me if I'm half-awake
Because the alleged 'love of my life'
Can't remember that I need
COFFEE IN THE MORNING!
Um...question
Did I sleep through my twenties?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why didn't you get here sooner?
Oh, probably because you were just LOVING your twenties
While I was snoozing away
WithOUT a face mask, I might add
My skin feels like a snake's ass
Ugh, I'm so gross
It took me five minutes
To get all the crap out of my eyes
And why am I wearing leggings?
Oh right, I haven't shaved in a decade
Fantastic
Really
This is great
I don't suppose you brought a razor
And some exfoliate?
Of course not
Tell you what
Why don't you go back the way you came
And come back again tomorrow
And this time
See if you can be a little more prepared
I'm going back to sleep
Sometimes it doesn't pay
To get out of bed
Uh...
Look, you're cute and all
And I appreciate you doing that whole
Cut through the forest of thorns
Slay the dragon thing
But I'm still really tired
And my hair's a mess
And I haven't brushed my teeth in like
A million years
So I think I just need to sort of
Acclimate myself
Back into being awake
Do you know what I mean?
Ohhh look at the pretty spinning wheel!
AHHH!
You don't have to scream at me
I just wanted to look at it
God, what's your issue?
You smell like a brier patch
And not in a good way
I'm going to get five more minutes
BUT I'M TIRED!
Did you bring coffee?
Are you kidding me?
You're supposed to rescue me
It's not rescuing me if I'm half-awake
Because the alleged 'love of my life'
Can't remember that I need
COFFEE IN THE MORNING!
Um...question
Did I sleep through my twenties?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why didn't you get here sooner?
Oh, probably because you were just LOVING your twenties
While I was snoozing away
WithOUT a face mask, I might add
My skin feels like a snake's ass
Ugh, I'm so gross
It took me five minutes
To get all the crap out of my eyes
And why am I wearing leggings?
Oh right, I haven't shaved in a decade
Fantastic
Really
This is great
I don't suppose you brought a razor
And some exfoliate?
Of course not
Tell you what
Why don't you go back the way you came
And come back again tomorrow
And this time
See if you can be a little more prepared
I'm going back to sleep
Sometimes it doesn't pay
To get out of bed
Monday, September 28, 2009
When Ronnie Went Looking
When Ronnie went looking
He got stuck in a dark spot
Took too much
Took some bad ideas
Wrapped them up in pita bread
And passed out at 4am
Saw his old dog from childhood
Poking its head through a hole
In a wooden fence
Started talking to him
Asking him to beg off it
Needing to get its head back through
But couldn't fit
Just couldn't fit
Saw the bridge from the bottom
Like he was laying on top of a car
Passing under it
On a cool Tuesday night
With no work the next day
Remembered riding to the falls
To pick up some when he was nineteen
And didn't have to worry about nothing
Didn't have to drive
Didn't have to pay
Didn't have to do shit
If he didn't want to do it
And he never did
There's that dog again
But it's the last dog he had
Not the first like the last
And it's dark
The dark spot again
Trapping him eight feet away
From the dog he wants to play with
The only thing that loved him unconditionally
That dog made him feel poetic
He's not sure how he got to swim with dolphins
It can't be a memory can it?
When he was in Miami he stayed at Chad's pad
Relaxing and trying to reconfigure
But he figured out that heading home
Would be cheaper and ultimately less embarrassing
Than having to have someone come down
And rescue him from paradise
When he went looking for jobs
He always ended up washing dishes
Until one day he wound up
In some rich bitch's house
Scrubbing away at plates
That had pictures of dirty food on them
When he asked her why
She'd want plates with dirty food
She said it was for the camp value
And he told her she could camp someone else by the sink
Because if she wanted to look at dirty food
While she was eating
Then why bother cleaning the damn plates in the first place?
He was the employable type
He remembered seeing a woman with a blue veil
Staring at him at someone's funeral
It might even have been his own
He wanted to spit on the ground
But he had no saliva
And he couldn't find the ground
So he just stared at her
Until his eyes hurt
Man, that woman made them hurt
The little boy called himself
Ree-Ro the God of the Apocalypse
But truth be told
He looked like an eight-year-old hood
Ronnie asked if he had any on him
But he got his palm slapped
And nothing else
Blood started pouring up from the ground
And pretty soon Ronnie's boots were soggy
So he took off to Philly
Where he wouldn't have to worry about the lions
And the Ree-Ro
And the bullshit
And the zebras
Ronnie never went looking for nothing
But even when you're not looking
You can't help but find shit
All he really wanted was to be fixed
A fix and a fix, you know?
Hard to understand
Unless you're there
He got stuck in a dark spot
Took too much
Took some bad ideas
Wrapped them up in pita bread
And passed out at 4am
Saw his old dog from childhood
Poking its head through a hole
In a wooden fence
Started talking to him
Asking him to beg off it
Needing to get its head back through
But couldn't fit
Just couldn't fit
Saw the bridge from the bottom
Like he was laying on top of a car
Passing under it
On a cool Tuesday night
With no work the next day
Remembered riding to the falls
To pick up some when he was nineteen
And didn't have to worry about nothing
Didn't have to drive
Didn't have to pay
Didn't have to do shit
If he didn't want to do it
And he never did
There's that dog again
But it's the last dog he had
Not the first like the last
And it's dark
The dark spot again
Trapping him eight feet away
From the dog he wants to play with
The only thing that loved him unconditionally
That dog made him feel poetic
He's not sure how he got to swim with dolphins
It can't be a memory can it?
When he was in Miami he stayed at Chad's pad
Relaxing and trying to reconfigure
But he figured out that heading home
Would be cheaper and ultimately less embarrassing
Than having to have someone come down
And rescue him from paradise
When he went looking for jobs
He always ended up washing dishes
Until one day he wound up
In some rich bitch's house
Scrubbing away at plates
That had pictures of dirty food on them
When he asked her why
She'd want plates with dirty food
She said it was for the camp value
And he told her she could camp someone else by the sink
Because if she wanted to look at dirty food
While she was eating
Then why bother cleaning the damn plates in the first place?
He was the employable type
He remembered seeing a woman with a blue veil
Staring at him at someone's funeral
It might even have been his own
He wanted to spit on the ground
But he had no saliva
And he couldn't find the ground
So he just stared at her
Until his eyes hurt
Man, that woman made them hurt
The little boy called himself
Ree-Ro the God of the Apocalypse
But truth be told
He looked like an eight-year-old hood
Ronnie asked if he had any on him
But he got his palm slapped
And nothing else
Blood started pouring up from the ground
And pretty soon Ronnie's boots were soggy
So he took off to Philly
Where he wouldn't have to worry about the lions
And the Ree-Ro
And the bullshit
And the zebras
Ronnie never went looking for nothing
But even when you're not looking
You can't help but find shit
All he really wanted was to be fixed
A fix and a fix, you know?
Hard to understand
Unless you're there
My Escalator
-- Warning: This might be the silliest thing I've ever written. --
"My Escalator"
Where you looking to go?
The top floor?
You wanna go all the way up
To the top floor?
Tell me
Are you scared of heights?
Just what store
Are you looking for?
Sure you don't wanna go down?
Sure you don't need to check out
What's going on
Down on the street level
Soda shops
Did you know we still have soda shops?
Did you know you can go
Down to the soda shop
Any old time you want
You just gotta ride my escalator
Step right on
And ride it on down
You don't need to go up
Ain't nothing up there
You need to see
Wouldn't you rather come ride with me
On my escalator
And we can run off to the soda shop
Maybe we can even drop by the candy store
Trust me honey
Ain't nothing going on
On the very top floor
So come on down
So come on down
So come on down
You can ride it down
With me
"My Escalator"
Where you looking to go?
The top floor?
You wanna go all the way up
To the top floor?
Tell me
Are you scared of heights?
Just what store
Are you looking for?
Sure you don't wanna go down?
Sure you don't need to check out
What's going on
Down on the street level
Soda shops
Did you know we still have soda shops?
Did you know you can go
Down to the soda shop
Any old time you want
You just gotta ride my escalator
Step right on
And ride it on down
You don't need to go up
Ain't nothing up there
You need to see
Wouldn't you rather come ride with me
On my escalator
And we can run off to the soda shop
Maybe we can even drop by the candy store
Trust me honey
Ain't nothing going on
On the very top floor
So come on down
So come on down
So come on down
You can ride it down
With me
Get on the Plane
Get on the plane
Hop on it
And head back to him
Fly to the guy
Who lets you believe
Whatever you want
Even if it's not true
Have your wild, irrational love story
Played out in new surroundings
And tell yourself you love the locale
Just because he's there
Don't care about the fact
That it's easy to love someone
Who isn't there
That air can't argue with you
And you don't want to bicker
Over the phone
Forget that you're alone
Because he chose to go back
And not take you with him
Go jet set to see him
And be with him for another stint
An emotional vacation
Without the trappings of a home
Without the perks either
Go see the jerk
Hell, move if you want to
Here's me
Telling you
That I love you
So I want you
To get on that plane
Because until you get this guy
Out of your system
There is no me and you
And you won't see that
Until you glue yourself to him
And see that nothing sticks
Get on the plane
Cause a week after you do
I'm getting on my own
And I'm coming after you
Hop on it
And head back to him
Fly to the guy
Who lets you believe
Whatever you want
Even if it's not true
Have your wild, irrational love story
Played out in new surroundings
And tell yourself you love the locale
Just because he's there
Don't care about the fact
That it's easy to love someone
Who isn't there
That air can't argue with you
And you don't want to bicker
Over the phone
Forget that you're alone
Because he chose to go back
And not take you with him
Go jet set to see him
And be with him for another stint
An emotional vacation
Without the trappings of a home
Without the perks either
Go see the jerk
Hell, move if you want to
Here's me
Telling you
That I love you
So I want you
To get on that plane
Because until you get this guy
Out of your system
There is no me and you
And you won't see that
Until you glue yourself to him
And see that nothing sticks
Get on the plane
Cause a week after you do
I'm getting on my own
And I'm coming after you
Sunday, September 27, 2009
They're Gonna Root For Us
I have this amazing idea
I'm going to have a camera crew
Follow us around
Because you don't believe me
Because you don't believe
That we are meant
To be the nation's new favorite couple
So I'm going to prove it to you
I'm going to prove it
By using the age-old method
Of popular opinion
Otherwise known as mass peer pressure
I'm going to get us a show
A primetime show
Something with water cooler potential
And every Monday morning
People are going to talk
About how we should be together
They're going to hate everyone you date
If who you're dating isn't me
They're going to boo at you
Every time you go out on a date
And it isn't with me
They're going to write mail
Tons and tons of mail
They're going to shut down the mail system
Trying to convince you
That you and I are meant to be
They're gonna root for us
The whole country
The whole amazing world
Is going to hope for us
As much as I hope for us
And then you'll have to give me another look
You'll have to imagine
That as stupid as I can be
And as many mistakes as I've made
That maybe there's something to me
If all these people see us together
And if all those people want to see us happen...
Maybe you'll want to see it too
I'm going to have a camera crew
Follow us around
Because you don't believe me
Because you don't believe
That we are meant
To be the nation's new favorite couple
So I'm going to prove it to you
I'm going to prove it
By using the age-old method
Of popular opinion
Otherwise known as mass peer pressure
I'm going to get us a show
A primetime show
Something with water cooler potential
And every Monday morning
People are going to talk
About how we should be together
They're going to hate everyone you date
If who you're dating isn't me
They're going to boo at you
Every time you go out on a date
And it isn't with me
They're going to write mail
Tons and tons of mail
They're going to shut down the mail system
Trying to convince you
That you and I are meant to be
They're gonna root for us
The whole country
The whole amazing world
Is going to hope for us
As much as I hope for us
And then you'll have to give me another look
You'll have to imagine
That as stupid as I can be
And as many mistakes as I've made
That maybe there's something to me
If all these people see us together
And if all those people want to see us happen...
Maybe you'll want to see it too
Identical Pasts
You wanna know why we fight?
Because we wake up
And see two different kinds of light
Going over two different kinds of rooms
And shake off different dreams
Or different nightmares
And we walk into two different worlds
Each seeming like a movie version of the other
A thin line running down the screen
Separating what I have in front of me
And what you see
And wouldn't it be easier
If we had lived identical pasts?
But putting two people in the same house
With the same parents
And the same set of walls
Still isn't enough
To make everything the same
You remember me being difficult
You remember me mouthing off
You remember me not saying 'Thank you' enough
I remember getting slapped too often
I remember not being the priority
Depending on what guy
Walked through the door
On any given night
I remember you showing up
To be my parent
A bit too late
You remember having more time
You remember hours upon hours
Of make-up time
That you could use
Once the guys
Stopped coming through the door
You remember there being more of everything
More time
More chances
More forgiveness
I remember walking out out the back door
While you were looking at the front
Hoping it would open one more time
We speak two different languages
We hear two different things
We don't just have different opinions
We look at a mirror
And we see two different things
And I'm sorry it's that way
But I'm not going to try and change
What you cemented so long ago
I'm not going to chisel away
At the statues you made of us
Back when you were okay
With things not being okay
I know it could be easy
It could be so easy
If we had lived identical pasts
But you went one way
And I went another
And there's no point
Where those two roads meet
Because we wake up
And see two different kinds of light
Going over two different kinds of rooms
And shake off different dreams
Or different nightmares
And we walk into two different worlds
Each seeming like a movie version of the other
A thin line running down the screen
Separating what I have in front of me
And what you see
And wouldn't it be easier
If we had lived identical pasts?
But putting two people in the same house
With the same parents
And the same set of walls
Still isn't enough
To make everything the same
You remember me being difficult
You remember me mouthing off
You remember me not saying 'Thank you' enough
I remember getting slapped too often
I remember not being the priority
Depending on what guy
Walked through the door
On any given night
I remember you showing up
To be my parent
A bit too late
You remember having more time
You remember hours upon hours
Of make-up time
That you could use
Once the guys
Stopped coming through the door
You remember there being more of everything
More time
More chances
More forgiveness
I remember walking out out the back door
While you were looking at the front
Hoping it would open one more time
We speak two different languages
We hear two different things
We don't just have different opinions
We look at a mirror
And we see two different things
And I'm sorry it's that way
But I'm not going to try and change
What you cemented so long ago
I'm not going to chisel away
At the statues you made of us
Back when you were okay
With things not being okay
I know it could be easy
It could be so easy
If we had lived identical pasts
But you went one way
And I went another
And there's no point
Where those two roads meet
God Can't Save Your Marriage
-- After listening to Whitney go on and on about marriage and God, I felt I had to say something about marriage and how it's not necessarily a religious relationship for all people. Maybe if people didn't view it that way, more marriages would actually survive. Ohhh, look at me being controversial. --
"God Can't Save Your Marriage"
You need to see a counselor
You need to see a therapist
You need to see somebody soon
And since you can't see Jesus
I'd find another place to make an appointment
I'm going to give you a heads up
God can't save your marriage
In case you haven't noticed
There are avalanches
There are tidal waves
There are genocides going onn
So I'm guessing
God doesn't have time
To get him
To start putting the seat down
You can pray, pray, pray
But what you should be doing
Is pay, pay, paying attention
To each other
Stop talking to God
And start talking to each other
Stop saying the Devil turned the both of you into assholes
When you know damn well
Time does that on its own
Stop whining to God
Stop whining to your saint of choice
Stop whining altogether
Because all you're doing is stalling
Whining is what people do to stall
When they already know the ending
Ain't gonna be a happy one
Stop ending arguments
So you can 'pray on it'
A prayer's not a band-aid
Do the prayer once you're done talking
Don't pray to hear each other
Just hear each other
Hearing is not a skill
Listening is not an ability
If you can't do it
It's because you don't want to
And if you don't want to
Then what is it you think
God's going to do for you?
God's not going to make her want to have kids
God's not going to make you stop being ambitious
God's not going to stop him from wanting to screw every idiot on the block
God's not going to stop her from having another go at the drugs
God's not going to clean up your mess
God can point you to the paper towels
But he ain't getting his hands dirty
In your mess
You know why rehab is bullshit?
Because they don't let you in
Unless you believe in a higher power
You gotta believe in yourself
Before you can believe there's something greater than you
And you gotta believe in this marriage
And you gotta believe it's worth saving
Before you can go giving it up to God
So no, I'm sorry to say
God can't save your marriage
Because if I recall your wedding vows
Saving this marriage
Is your job
"God Can't Save Your Marriage"
You need to see a counselor
You need to see a therapist
You need to see somebody soon
And since you can't see Jesus
I'd find another place to make an appointment
I'm going to give you a heads up
God can't save your marriage
In case you haven't noticed
There are avalanches
There are tidal waves
There are genocides going onn
So I'm guessing
God doesn't have time
To get him
To start putting the seat down
You can pray, pray, pray
But what you should be doing
Is pay, pay, paying attention
To each other
Stop talking to God
And start talking to each other
Stop saying the Devil turned the both of you into assholes
When you know damn well
Time does that on its own
Stop whining to God
Stop whining to your saint of choice
Stop whining altogether
Because all you're doing is stalling
Whining is what people do to stall
When they already know the ending
Ain't gonna be a happy one
Stop ending arguments
So you can 'pray on it'
A prayer's not a band-aid
Do the prayer once you're done talking
Don't pray to hear each other
Just hear each other
Hearing is not a skill
Listening is not an ability
If you can't do it
It's because you don't want to
And if you don't want to
Then what is it you think
God's going to do for you?
God's not going to make her want to have kids
God's not going to make you stop being ambitious
God's not going to stop him from wanting to screw every idiot on the block
God's not going to stop her from having another go at the drugs
God's not going to clean up your mess
God can point you to the paper towels
But he ain't getting his hands dirty
In your mess
You know why rehab is bullshit?
Because they don't let you in
Unless you believe in a higher power
You gotta believe in yourself
Before you can believe there's something greater than you
And you gotta believe in this marriage
And you gotta believe it's worth saving
Before you can go giving it up to God
So no, I'm sorry to say
God can't save your marriage
Because if I recall your wedding vows
Saving this marriage
Is your job
Friday, September 25, 2009
If You're Still Crazy
Dear Mr. Mint,
If you're still crazy
Stop reading this now
There's no point in trying to do something sane
Like reading a letter
If you're still crazy
If you feel you might have achieved
Even the most basic level
Of normalcy
Then please, continue on
You know, I love your name
I always have
Walter Mint
Such a great name
Like something out of a short story
One with a twist, I suppose
Mr. Mint, I have to hand it to you
You've outlived everyone
Who ever knew anything about you
Except me
I remember you, Mr. Mint
I remember everything about you
So now here you are
Or there you are
Depending on how you look at it
Sitting by a window, I imagine
While doctors busy themselves around you
But not with you
They're not busy with you
There's nothing left to be busy with, is there?
Yes, I remember you, Mr. Mint
But do you remember me?
Do you remember who I am?
The doctors tell me--
Well, they tell me the truth
Because I pay them to
A hundred here and there
And pretty soon patient/doctor confidentiality
Goes flying right out the window
They tell me you do remember some things
You remember pistachio ice cream--your favorite
You remember Jasper--your dog
You remember my mother--your wife
But do you remember me?
They say you ask for her
They say you call her name out
Like she's just in the next room
Fetching you something
How is it that you can remember her
But I can't?
That just doesn't seem right
Would you like to know what I do remember?
I remember endless amounts of chores
Repainting rooms I'd painted the day before
Taking out the garbage when there was one empty can in it
Scrubbing those damn glass dishes
That I could never get clean
To this day I eat off paper plates
I remember being screamed at
Told I was whispering things
In the middle of the night
That I was trying to break you down
That I was trying to destroy you
That I was sent from the devil himself
Those things I remember
I remember being left places
Abandoned, having to find my way home
Sometimes not getting back for hours
And you sitting there
In that armchair
Looking at me
Clearly having forgotten about me
Until I'd walk through the door
And rather--
And this I love
Rather than admit
That it was you
That the problem was you
You'd look at me and say--
'Where have you been?'
I remember furniture being ravaged
In the hunt for imaginary money
Left by God knows who
I remember floorboards being pried up
Because there were supposed to be things under the floor
That were running around at night
Keeping you awake
It's the kid who's supposed to be afraid of monsters, Mr. Mint
Not the parent
Didn't anybody ever tell you that?
Do you know what they tell me?
Now, do you know what they tell me now?
These doctors who I pay
Who I pay to tell me the truth
Do you know what they say?
They say I can't blame you
CAN'T
They tell me I can't blame you
Because you weren't right
Because you weren't thinking logically
Because you were crazy
They call you crazy now
I mean, they don't
They don't use that word
It's not technical enough
But that's what they mean
They're saying I have to forgive you
Because you were crazy
Isn't it funny?
I knew you were crazy then
And so did you
And so did my mother, I imagine
And we never said it
None of us ever said it
We never dared mention it
And you never asked for help
How could you not ask for help?
How could you?
And I have to forgive you?
I have to get over it?
And now they take care of you
On my dollar
Because I'm your son
Because that's my job
You're being taken care of
And you're quite old
But the issue of crazy...
Well, they're not so sure
They know you're very old
They know you don't remember most things
They know you're nearing the end
They know you call my mother's name
They know you don't ever mention me
But as to whether or not you're crazy
That they can't tell me
That they don't know
So Mr. Mint, I'll say this
If you're still crazy
As you were then
In the days of my childhood
Those terrifying years
If you are still crazy
Then I forgive you
I forgive the crazy person
Because what good is forgiveness then?
What will it mean to you
If you still see ghosts and monsters
If I tell you that I forgive you?
But if you're not
If you've finally reached some level
Of sanity
Then Mr. Mint
I want you to know
I hate you
I hate you and I don't care
How crazy you were
It doesn't make me hate you any less
If you can understand anything
I want you to understand
That I understand
That no matter how crazy you were
Even a drowning man
Knows to grab onto a lifeboat
You cared more about not being crazy
Then you cared about your own son
And for that, I don't forgive you
I can't, actually
There's what I can't do
I CAN'T forgive you
So if you're still crazy
Then enjoy your last few days on this earth
If you're not
Then read this
And let the words sink in
Let them sink you down
Into the depths of hell
That I was in for most of my life
Because now I hear noises
Because now when someone's late I worry they're never coming
Because now I feel crazy
But I'm not
And if you're not crazy, Mr. Mint
Then you already know
What I've known for years
And what these doctors don't know
You don't need to feel bad for a crazy person
You should feel bad for the other
For that other person
That's always there
The wife
The child
The helpless on-looker
Always standing there
Watching the insanity
Getting so desperate
That sometimes they wish they could just jump
Jump right into it
Right into the madness
So they don't have to watch it
So they don't have to hear the noises
Anymore
If you're still crazy
Stop reading this now
There's no point in trying to do something sane
Like reading a letter
If you're still crazy
If you feel you might have achieved
Even the most basic level
Of normalcy
Then please, continue on
You know, I love your name
I always have
Walter Mint
Such a great name
Like something out of a short story
One with a twist, I suppose
Mr. Mint, I have to hand it to you
You've outlived everyone
Who ever knew anything about you
Except me
I remember you, Mr. Mint
I remember everything about you
So now here you are
Or there you are
Depending on how you look at it
Sitting by a window, I imagine
While doctors busy themselves around you
But not with you
They're not busy with you
There's nothing left to be busy with, is there?
Yes, I remember you, Mr. Mint
But do you remember me?
Do you remember who I am?
The doctors tell me--
Well, they tell me the truth
Because I pay them to
A hundred here and there
And pretty soon patient/doctor confidentiality
Goes flying right out the window
They tell me you do remember some things
You remember pistachio ice cream--your favorite
You remember Jasper--your dog
You remember my mother--your wife
But do you remember me?
They say you ask for her
They say you call her name out
Like she's just in the next room
Fetching you something
How is it that you can remember her
But I can't?
That just doesn't seem right
Would you like to know what I do remember?
I remember endless amounts of chores
Repainting rooms I'd painted the day before
Taking out the garbage when there was one empty can in it
Scrubbing those damn glass dishes
That I could never get clean
To this day I eat off paper plates
I remember being screamed at
Told I was whispering things
In the middle of the night
That I was trying to break you down
That I was trying to destroy you
That I was sent from the devil himself
Those things I remember
I remember being left places
Abandoned, having to find my way home
Sometimes not getting back for hours
And you sitting there
In that armchair
Looking at me
Clearly having forgotten about me
Until I'd walk through the door
And rather--
And this I love
Rather than admit
That it was you
That the problem was you
You'd look at me and say--
'Where have you been?'
I remember furniture being ravaged
In the hunt for imaginary money
Left by God knows who
I remember floorboards being pried up
Because there were supposed to be things under the floor
That were running around at night
Keeping you awake
It's the kid who's supposed to be afraid of monsters, Mr. Mint
Not the parent
Didn't anybody ever tell you that?
Do you know what they tell me?
Now, do you know what they tell me now?
These doctors who I pay
Who I pay to tell me the truth
Do you know what they say?
They say I can't blame you
CAN'T
They tell me I can't blame you
Because you weren't right
Because you weren't thinking logically
Because you were crazy
They call you crazy now
I mean, they don't
They don't use that word
It's not technical enough
But that's what they mean
They're saying I have to forgive you
Because you were crazy
Isn't it funny?
I knew you were crazy then
And so did you
And so did my mother, I imagine
And we never said it
None of us ever said it
We never dared mention it
And you never asked for help
How could you not ask for help?
How could you?
And I have to forgive you?
I have to get over it?
And now they take care of you
On my dollar
Because I'm your son
Because that's my job
You're being taken care of
And you're quite old
But the issue of crazy...
Well, they're not so sure
They know you're very old
They know you don't remember most things
They know you're nearing the end
They know you call my mother's name
They know you don't ever mention me
But as to whether or not you're crazy
That they can't tell me
That they don't know
So Mr. Mint, I'll say this
If you're still crazy
As you were then
In the days of my childhood
Those terrifying years
If you are still crazy
Then I forgive you
I forgive the crazy person
Because what good is forgiveness then?
What will it mean to you
If you still see ghosts and monsters
If I tell you that I forgive you?
But if you're not
If you've finally reached some level
Of sanity
Then Mr. Mint
I want you to know
I hate you
I hate you and I don't care
How crazy you were
It doesn't make me hate you any less
If you can understand anything
I want you to understand
That I understand
That no matter how crazy you were
Even a drowning man
Knows to grab onto a lifeboat
You cared more about not being crazy
Then you cared about your own son
And for that, I don't forgive you
I can't, actually
There's what I can't do
I CAN'T forgive you
So if you're still crazy
Then enjoy your last few days on this earth
If you're not
Then read this
And let the words sink in
Let them sink you down
Into the depths of hell
That I was in for most of my life
Because now I hear noises
Because now when someone's late I worry they're never coming
Because now I feel crazy
But I'm not
And if you're not crazy, Mr. Mint
Then you already know
What I've known for years
And what these doctors don't know
You don't need to feel bad for a crazy person
You should feel bad for the other
For that other person
That's always there
The wife
The child
The helpless on-looker
Always standing there
Watching the insanity
Getting so desperate
That sometimes they wish they could just jump
Jump right into it
Right into the madness
So they don't have to watch it
So they don't have to hear the noises
Anymore
I'm Gonna Go Down
I'm gonna sink down
Down into the water
Deep down into the depths
Where the bubbles stay on top
And I drop down into the cool
I'll dance with a fool
On the deck of a yacht
When I've got my footing
On the slippery floor
Of the bathtub
I'm gonna let my hands go on
Up to the top to see how the air feels
Steal a few breaths with my fingertips
Then slip back into it
Through the warm layers
Through the tropical part
Past the heart of the space
Where you can trace the run to the drain
And wrap your brain around the way you twirl
When you go into the whirl
And the world dissolves
Into a revolving typhoon
Pretty soon you're sipping
On a dripping wet drink
Thinking you've made it
You're safe in this place
Why go up high
When you can buy all you'll need
From the rubber duck you see walking past you
To the cabana by the dry pool
A space where people sit
And let themselves go un-wet
For a few brief moments
Before diving back in
This is where I need to begin
Here at the bottom
With an eye on the top
And I'll pop up when I'm ready
I'm just not ready
Right now
Down into the water
Deep down into the depths
Where the bubbles stay on top
And I drop down into the cool
I'll dance with a fool
On the deck of a yacht
When I've got my footing
On the slippery floor
Of the bathtub
I'm gonna let my hands go on
Up to the top to see how the air feels
Steal a few breaths with my fingertips
Then slip back into it
Through the warm layers
Through the tropical part
Past the heart of the space
Where you can trace the run to the drain
And wrap your brain around the way you twirl
When you go into the whirl
And the world dissolves
Into a revolving typhoon
Pretty soon you're sipping
On a dripping wet drink
Thinking you've made it
You're safe in this place
Why go up high
When you can buy all you'll need
From the rubber duck you see walking past you
To the cabana by the dry pool
A space where people sit
And let themselves go un-wet
For a few brief moments
Before diving back in
This is where I need to begin
Here at the bottom
With an eye on the top
And I'll pop up when I'm ready
I'm just not ready
Right now
From Up Here I See Everything
When I'm up here
I can see dry land
I can take in the view
Of two lovers on the ocean
Dancing on the deck of a yacht
Imagining a life in Fiji
Where they'll drink coconut milk
And achieve perfect tans
When I'm up here
I can let myself relax
As 'just past three' rolls by me
And I feel the pressure
Of weekend socializing
Slowly evaporating
Out of my skin
When I'm up here
I'm above the nonsense down below
That threatens to drown me
In its low-lying trying times
Of the Bad and the Worse
And the cursed ground
And it's people
Seem miniscule for once
It's a joy, really
To be so high for once
My whole life I've been nailed
Stuck to the surface layer
And to be above it
Makes it easier to love it
And easier to get over it
All the things that used to bother me
How do you hate someone
As small as an ant?
How do you fret over a hurt
That's shrunken to a thimble's size
And strains your eyes
In its tiny state?
How do you remember the date
When the dates go by so fast
And nothing seems permanent
Meant to last or stick
I think I'll stick around up here
Because down there I don't know anything
I'm blind to so many things
And up here
Up here I see everything
Up here it's really
Really clear
I can see dry land
I can take in the view
Of two lovers on the ocean
Dancing on the deck of a yacht
Imagining a life in Fiji
Where they'll drink coconut milk
And achieve perfect tans
When I'm up here
I can let myself relax
As 'just past three' rolls by me
And I feel the pressure
Of weekend socializing
Slowly evaporating
Out of my skin
When I'm up here
I'm above the nonsense down below
That threatens to drown me
In its low-lying trying times
Of the Bad and the Worse
And the cursed ground
And it's people
Seem miniscule for once
It's a joy, really
To be so high for once
My whole life I've been nailed
Stuck to the surface layer
And to be above it
Makes it easier to love it
And easier to get over it
All the things that used to bother me
How do you hate someone
As small as an ant?
How do you fret over a hurt
That's shrunken to a thimble's size
And strains your eyes
In its tiny state?
How do you remember the date
When the dates go by so fast
And nothing seems permanent
Meant to last or stick
I think I'll stick around up here
Because down there I don't know anything
I'm blind to so many things
And up here
Up here I see everything
Up here it's really
Really clear
The Third Little Pig Stops Being a Co-Dependent
No, I'm sorry
You can't come in
I've been talking about it with my destiny counselor
And there's something I have to say you two
I can no longer support you
Emotionally, financially
Or residentially
I told you that straw
Was not a good material for the house
But you didn't care
Because it was cheap
And that meant you could buy more ecstasy
And now you have to live with that decision
Bro, the only wolf that's chasing you
Is your addiction
And you need to face up to it
I mean, straw, really?
Couldn't you at least have sprung for tin?
Even shantytowns aren't made out of straw
Yes, I see the wolf coming over the hill
But it's not about him right now
It's about you and your problems
And me, and my life
And how you are not going to affect it negatively anymore
As you for, Mr. Sticks and Stones
You could have used a few more stones, huh?
I told you that you should have hired a professional
But apparently I just want to--
'Bring you down with my negativity'
Well, you know what?
My negativity's locked up nice and tight
Right in here with my fireplace
And my brick canopy bed
I know you've always been jealous of me
But the fact that you thought I would deliberately try to sabotage you
Is so hurtful and so--
...You know, I can't
I just can't do this
Yes, I hear the howling
It's probably just my soul
Begging for me to stop talking to you two already
I will no longer allow you two
To be dependent on me
It's not good for you
It's not good for me
And it's not good for the world
To put so much bad energy into it
I know when we moved out of Mom's house
I promised her that I would take care of you two
But I can no longer allow that promise
To break the promise I made myself
And that was to be my own pig
Not some piglet still trying to protect his brothers
I may have your chinny chin chins
But I no longer have your emotional burdens
Those are yours to carry now
Those and those two pillowcases
Which I can only imagine hold what little shreds of you life
You were able to glean
Before your two houses of hurt and neglect
Fell down around you
After being blown to bits
By the manifestation of the destruction
You brought into my life
That is now taking its revenge on you
...Metaphorically speaking, of course
I wish you both the best
And I hope that when 'the big bad wolf' gets to you guys
You'll realize that it's up to you
Whether or not he disembowels you
Because you have control over your own lives
Just like you had control over your own building material
That is your truth
And my truth needs to recognize your truth
And truthfully?
My truth can't handle that right now
So we bid each other farewell
Good-bye, Brothers
And good luck
Honestly, part of me wants to let you in
If only for mother, but--
But I can't
Not by the hair of--
Well, you get the idea
You can't come in
I've been talking about it with my destiny counselor
And there's something I have to say you two
I can no longer support you
Emotionally, financially
Or residentially
I told you that straw
Was not a good material for the house
But you didn't care
Because it was cheap
And that meant you could buy more ecstasy
And now you have to live with that decision
Bro, the only wolf that's chasing you
Is your addiction
And you need to face up to it
I mean, straw, really?
Couldn't you at least have sprung for tin?
Even shantytowns aren't made out of straw
Yes, I see the wolf coming over the hill
But it's not about him right now
It's about you and your problems
And me, and my life
And how you are not going to affect it negatively anymore
As you for, Mr. Sticks and Stones
You could have used a few more stones, huh?
I told you that you should have hired a professional
But apparently I just want to--
'Bring you down with my negativity'
Well, you know what?
My negativity's locked up nice and tight
Right in here with my fireplace
And my brick canopy bed
I know you've always been jealous of me
But the fact that you thought I would deliberately try to sabotage you
Is so hurtful and so--
...You know, I can't
I just can't do this
Yes, I hear the howling
It's probably just my soul
Begging for me to stop talking to you two already
I will no longer allow you two
To be dependent on me
It's not good for you
It's not good for me
And it's not good for the world
To put so much bad energy into it
I know when we moved out of Mom's house
I promised her that I would take care of you two
But I can no longer allow that promise
To break the promise I made myself
And that was to be my own pig
Not some piglet still trying to protect his brothers
I may have your chinny chin chins
But I no longer have your emotional burdens
Those are yours to carry now
Those and those two pillowcases
Which I can only imagine hold what little shreds of you life
You were able to glean
Before your two houses of hurt and neglect
Fell down around you
After being blown to bits
By the manifestation of the destruction
You brought into my life
That is now taking its revenge on you
...Metaphorically speaking, of course
I wish you both the best
And I hope that when 'the big bad wolf' gets to you guys
You'll realize that it's up to you
Whether or not he disembowels you
Because you have control over your own lives
Just like you had control over your own building material
That is your truth
And my truth needs to recognize your truth
And truthfully?
My truth can't handle that right now
So we bid each other farewell
Good-bye, Brothers
And good luck
Honestly, part of me wants to let you in
If only for mother, but--
But I can't
Not by the hair of--
Well, you get the idea
Lotta Sluts in This Room
Somebody get me a dish rag
Because I don't want to touch ANYTHING
In this room right now
Lotta sluts
Lotta sluts going on in this room
Lotta smelly slutty activity
Pervading my consciousness
Was that the theme of the party?
Come dressed like your urine's burning?
Come dressed like you just made twenty bucks?
Come dressed like you just got excommunicated?
Did I forget my costume?
Hang on, I'll take off my pants
Then I'll be all caught up
With the rest of you
Ohhh, look at y'all giving me looks
Like y'all don't know you're slutty
What are you if not slutty?
If you show up at a party
With too much blush
And a nipple ring showing
What would you call that?
'Intriguing?' 'Direct?' 'Forward?'
I'd call that slutty
Where I'm from
You're from Slutty Town
And the water tower's got some nastiness
Floating around in it
Slutty-coat Junction
And here comes the train
Chooo Chooo
Am I drunk?
Yes, I'm drunk
I'd have to be drunk
I'm standing in a room with a bunch of girls
Who look like Roger Corman extras
Giggling and flirting
I feel dirty just standing here
Lotta sluts in this room
Even the wallpaper's peeling
Hmm?
What?
Leaving?
Hell no I ain't leaving
This looks like my kinda party
Because I don't want to touch ANYTHING
In this room right now
Lotta sluts
Lotta sluts going on in this room
Lotta smelly slutty activity
Pervading my consciousness
Was that the theme of the party?
Come dressed like your urine's burning?
Come dressed like you just made twenty bucks?
Come dressed like you just got excommunicated?
Did I forget my costume?
Hang on, I'll take off my pants
Then I'll be all caught up
With the rest of you
Ohhh, look at y'all giving me looks
Like y'all don't know you're slutty
What are you if not slutty?
If you show up at a party
With too much blush
And a nipple ring showing
What would you call that?
'Intriguing?' 'Direct?' 'Forward?'
I'd call that slutty
Where I'm from
You're from Slutty Town
And the water tower's got some nastiness
Floating around in it
Slutty-coat Junction
And here comes the train
Chooo Chooo
Am I drunk?
Yes, I'm drunk
I'd have to be drunk
I'm standing in a room with a bunch of girls
Who look like Roger Corman extras
Giggling and flirting
I feel dirty just standing here
Lotta sluts in this room
Even the wallpaper's peeling
Hmm?
What?
Leaving?
Hell no I ain't leaving
This looks like my kinda party
My Unnatural Arms
Sometimes I feel like...
Like I'm not a real person
Like I'm concerned with my arms
Where my arms are going
If they look natural
I feel like I have unnatural arms
Sometimes I feel like an octopus
Isn't it funny
That humans only have two arms
But that an octopus with two arms
Would probably be put down
In the octopus community
Because it would be considered
Severely deformed?
'I'm sorry, Mrs. Octopus, but we had to lose four of the arms. He's only half a man now.'
Imagine that octopus
Walking down the street
Other octopi staring at him
Wondering what happened
'Was it a reef accident? Jesus, don't stare, Paulina.'
'Only three arms left. That's no way to live.'
'I bet he can still feel the other five arms.'
My legs are all right
I tap my feet sometimes
And sometimes I touch my elbow
Just to touch it
Just because
Then I'm like--
Why did I just touch my elbow?
Did anyone see that?
Did people just see me touch my elbow?
Are they going to think I have an elbow fetish?
Then I imagine what it would be like
To have an elbow fetish
Like, if you were just rubbing your elbows
All over people
Putting two elbows up against each other
Eating lots of elbow macaroni
Stuff like that
And the whole time
I'm still touching my elbow
It's horrible!
Plus I lick my lips too much
I'm constantly licking my lips
I look like LL Cool J
But not cool
So here I am
I've got the elbow-touching
And the lip-licking
And sometimes I do a little hip sway
Because I hear reggae music in my head
And I'm just like--
Bah bah bah--banananananana--bah BAH!
And it's weird
I know, it's really weird
But the arms bother me the most
For sure, the arms
I just don't know what to do with them
Like I'm not a real person
Like I'm concerned with my arms
Where my arms are going
If they look natural
I feel like I have unnatural arms
Sometimes I feel like an octopus
Isn't it funny
That humans only have two arms
But that an octopus with two arms
Would probably be put down
In the octopus community
Because it would be considered
Severely deformed?
'I'm sorry, Mrs. Octopus, but we had to lose four of the arms. He's only half a man now.'
Imagine that octopus
Walking down the street
Other octopi staring at him
Wondering what happened
'Was it a reef accident? Jesus, don't stare, Paulina.'
'Only three arms left. That's no way to live.'
'I bet he can still feel the other five arms.'
My legs are all right
I tap my feet sometimes
And sometimes I touch my elbow
Just to touch it
Just because
Then I'm like--
Why did I just touch my elbow?
Did anyone see that?
Did people just see me touch my elbow?
Are they going to think I have an elbow fetish?
Then I imagine what it would be like
To have an elbow fetish
Like, if you were just rubbing your elbows
All over people
Putting two elbows up against each other
Eating lots of elbow macaroni
Stuff like that
And the whole time
I'm still touching my elbow
It's horrible!
Plus I lick my lips too much
I'm constantly licking my lips
I look like LL Cool J
But not cool
So here I am
I've got the elbow-touching
And the lip-licking
And sometimes I do a little hip sway
Because I hear reggae music in my head
And I'm just like--
Bah bah bah--banananananana--bah BAH!
And it's weird
I know, it's really weird
But the arms bother me the most
For sure, the arms
I just don't know what to do with them
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Little Mae is Not Amused
She sends two men
To search for treasure
On the beaches of Miami
Where men are known to bury
Their precious metals
These two men worship her
Because she is Little Mae
Sorceress of Nature
And maker of play doh castles
A milk mustaches means they've failed
A toy train sitting on the counter
Means they've pleased her
She is not easily pleased
She will not smile
She once ate the heart of a parakeet
Whose owner forgot to pick her up
At daycare
The two men find no treasure
They have failed Little Mae
She will not express her disappointment
Rather, she will invite them for tea
With her stuffed cat Pono
The gun lays hidden in Pono's stomach
And it will take out the first man
When the second man runs for the door
Little Mae will take the knife from under her Dora pillow
And propel it straight at the back of his head
She never misses
She is Little Mae
And next time
She will choose her fools
More carefully
To search for treasure
On the beaches of Miami
Where men are known to bury
Their precious metals
These two men worship her
Because she is Little Mae
Sorceress of Nature
And maker of play doh castles
A milk mustaches means they've failed
A toy train sitting on the counter
Means they've pleased her
She is not easily pleased
She will not smile
She once ate the heart of a parakeet
Whose owner forgot to pick her up
At daycare
The two men find no treasure
They have failed Little Mae
She will not express her disappointment
Rather, she will invite them for tea
With her stuffed cat Pono
The gun lays hidden in Pono's stomach
And it will take out the first man
When the second man runs for the door
Little Mae will take the knife from under her Dora pillow
And propel it straight at the back of his head
She never misses
She is Little Mae
And next time
She will choose her fools
More carefully
Among the Helicopters
Ali!
Ali, come inside right now
I will not have you laying out on the roof
Like a strung out junkie
What are you looking at?
There's nothing up there
There's nothing in the sky
Just clouds and stars
And helicopters
And balloons that little children
Didn't care about
Now come inside
Do I have to come out there and get you?
You know I'm afraid of heights
What if I come out there
And I get dizzy
And I fall and die?
Won't you feel bad?
Won't you feel bad when your mother is dead
And it's completely your fault?
The police might investigate
They might think you wanted me dead
Because you're jealous of my beauty
. . . . .
That was a joke
. . . . .
He's not up there
You're twenty
You should know that
He's really not
He's not among the helicopters, Ali
I can promise you that
Your father hated helicopters
He thought that was how he was going to die
He thought it was going to be a helicopter crash
I suppose in retrospect
When he was near the end
He should have just hopped in a helicopter
And at least gone down in a blaze of glory
. . . . .
You have to come inside at some point
It will rain and it will snow and sun will beat down on you in July
And you'll either come in or you'll die
And if you die I'll be alone with your brother
And doing that to me would just be cruel
Please come inside, sweetie
I'll do whatever you like
I'll make you cookies
I've never done it before
But I'll learn and then I'll make them
And then you can come inside
And we'll get fat together
We'll be two fat orbs
Sitting at the kitchen table
Mourning your father
Won't that be fun?
. . . . .
You have to come inside, Ali
It's getting dark
It won't be nice out here in the dark
It'll be scary
Little rooftop marauders will find you
And drag you back to their lair
Where they'll dress you in skimpy clothing
And make you sing Lena Horne songs to them
While they drink their ale
It'll be awful
Much more awful than the awfulness inside with me
...Believe it or not
. . . . .
I love you, sweetie
Come inside, will you?
You can't see Dad up there
Amongst the helicopters
He's even higher than that, honey
He's with the balloons
All the red and blue and green balloons
Free from the torment of childish hands
Ascending into the Great Unknown
So free from their earthly tethers
You can't even see them
. . . . .
Come on, Ali
Come inside
Ali, come inside right now
I will not have you laying out on the roof
Like a strung out junkie
What are you looking at?
There's nothing up there
There's nothing in the sky
Just clouds and stars
And helicopters
And balloons that little children
Didn't care about
Now come inside
Do I have to come out there and get you?
You know I'm afraid of heights
What if I come out there
And I get dizzy
And I fall and die?
Won't you feel bad?
Won't you feel bad when your mother is dead
And it's completely your fault?
The police might investigate
They might think you wanted me dead
Because you're jealous of my beauty
. . . . .
That was a joke
. . . . .
He's not up there
You're twenty
You should know that
He's really not
He's not among the helicopters, Ali
I can promise you that
Your father hated helicopters
He thought that was how he was going to die
He thought it was going to be a helicopter crash
I suppose in retrospect
When he was near the end
He should have just hopped in a helicopter
And at least gone down in a blaze of glory
. . . . .
You have to come inside at some point
It will rain and it will snow and sun will beat down on you in July
And you'll either come in or you'll die
And if you die I'll be alone with your brother
And doing that to me would just be cruel
Please come inside, sweetie
I'll do whatever you like
I'll make you cookies
I've never done it before
But I'll learn and then I'll make them
And then you can come inside
And we'll get fat together
We'll be two fat orbs
Sitting at the kitchen table
Mourning your father
Won't that be fun?
. . . . .
You have to come inside, Ali
It's getting dark
It won't be nice out here in the dark
It'll be scary
Little rooftop marauders will find you
And drag you back to their lair
Where they'll dress you in skimpy clothing
And make you sing Lena Horne songs to them
While they drink their ale
It'll be awful
Much more awful than the awfulness inside with me
...Believe it or not
. . . . .
I love you, sweetie
Come inside, will you?
You can't see Dad up there
Amongst the helicopters
He's even higher than that, honey
He's with the balloons
All the red and blue and green balloons
Free from the torment of childish hands
Ascending into the Great Unknown
So free from their earthly tethers
You can't even see them
. . . . .
Come on, Ali
Come inside
Max's First Day of School
On Max's first day of school
They served ostrich eggs for lunch
And Max is allergic to ostrich eggs
So he had to skip lunch
When he skipped lunch
He wound up in Tie class
Where they teach you to tie a tie
Not like Thai class
Where they teach you about Thailand
Or Thyme class
Where they teach you to tell Thyme from Time
Max tied a few ties and then left
Before the bell rang
Which would have gotten him in trouble
Except he had a 'Handsome Pass'
Which they give to handsome boys
Because handsome boys get into trouble
But they never mean to
After Tie class, Max went to the Giant Frog
And asked it questions about life
The Giant Frog was a not a Giant Frog
But a Giant Watermelon
That the school had imported from Brooklyn
And put on the football field
After a few days, frogs everywhere had migrated to the Giant Watermelon
And made a colony of frogs inside it
So that the watermelon was forever ribbit-ing
And the students just started calling it
The Giant Frog
Max asked the Giant Frog if he should ask Lydia Miller
To the 'Grumpy Old Men' themed dance
Because she looked like a young Ann Margaret
And he had a great Jack Lemon costume
The Giant Frog told him to eat more carrots
Because his left leg was shorter than his right
And also, that he should destroy his Earth Science textbook
Because it was full of lies
Including the myth that frogs can't talk
Max didn't really want to destroy his textbook
And he didn't see how carrots related to Lydia Miller
But he went to the cafeteria, ate a carrot
And poured juice on his Earth Science textbook
Then asked Lydia to the dance
She said 'No, because the gays can't marry'
Lydia, at a very young age
Was already into social activism
At the last bell, Max went home
And told his mother about his day
He left out some details
Mainly regarding the Tie class
Because ties are boring
But he told her about the Giant Frog
'That's nice, Max. Go do your homework.'
His homework involved making a quiche
And stealing a twenty from his mother's purse
To learn about redistribution of wealth
'Okay, Mom'
Tomorrow was Thursday
He would fake sick
He didn't feel like doing a reenactment
Of the Battle of the Bulge
In the second floor hallway
It was just so...bleh
They served ostrich eggs for lunch
And Max is allergic to ostrich eggs
So he had to skip lunch
When he skipped lunch
He wound up in Tie class
Where they teach you to tie a tie
Not like Thai class
Where they teach you about Thailand
Or Thyme class
Where they teach you to tell Thyme from Time
Max tied a few ties and then left
Before the bell rang
Which would have gotten him in trouble
Except he had a 'Handsome Pass'
Which they give to handsome boys
Because handsome boys get into trouble
But they never mean to
After Tie class, Max went to the Giant Frog
And asked it questions about life
The Giant Frog was a not a Giant Frog
But a Giant Watermelon
That the school had imported from Brooklyn
And put on the football field
After a few days, frogs everywhere had migrated to the Giant Watermelon
And made a colony of frogs inside it
So that the watermelon was forever ribbit-ing
And the students just started calling it
The Giant Frog
Max asked the Giant Frog if he should ask Lydia Miller
To the 'Grumpy Old Men' themed dance
Because she looked like a young Ann Margaret
And he had a great Jack Lemon costume
The Giant Frog told him to eat more carrots
Because his left leg was shorter than his right
And also, that he should destroy his Earth Science textbook
Because it was full of lies
Including the myth that frogs can't talk
Max didn't really want to destroy his textbook
And he didn't see how carrots related to Lydia Miller
But he went to the cafeteria, ate a carrot
And poured juice on his Earth Science textbook
Then asked Lydia to the dance
She said 'No, because the gays can't marry'
Lydia, at a very young age
Was already into social activism
At the last bell, Max went home
And told his mother about his day
He left out some details
Mainly regarding the Tie class
Because ties are boring
But he told her about the Giant Frog
'That's nice, Max. Go do your homework.'
His homework involved making a quiche
And stealing a twenty from his mother's purse
To learn about redistribution of wealth
'Okay, Mom'
Tomorrow was Thursday
He would fake sick
He didn't feel like doing a reenactment
Of the Battle of the Bulge
In the second floor hallway
It was just so...bleh
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
When the Panda Got Pregnant (Pt 2)
The media found out on a Wednesday
Nick had to spend all day on the phone
Explaining that it was not possible
For the panda to be pregnant
And yet it was
It was indeed pregnant
The panda had been examined
By several panda specialists
And it was pregnant
And it was not simply
As some had suggested
The panda trying to fake it
Just to get some attention
Deena had moved out of her house
So that she could sleep next to the panda pen
And watch Polly (the panda) around the clock
Charlie would arrive every morning
And see Deena curled up in the fetal position
While Polly tried to grab at her hair
Presumably to pull her into the panda pen
And maul her
But that wasn't what Polly wanted to do
Polly wanted to raise Deena as her own
Because clearly her parents had done a horrible job
Polly wanted her baby to have a sister
And Deena was her first choice
She thought she'd make a great foster mom
For three days she'd raised the baby hippo
That had wandered into the panda pen
Until Nick caught sight of it
Fired the hippo guy
And put the baby back where it belonged
. . . . .
Nick had ordered an ultrasound
And everybody wanted to get a look
What could be inside Polly?
It couldn't just be another panda
There were no other pandas at the zoo
'I'm telling you,' said Charlie, 'It's a Pangaroo'
'You're an idiot,' said Deena
'Charlie,' said Nick, 'Clearly Polly has not been making love to a tangerine'
These people were running a zoo
Can you believe it?
. . . . .
When the ultrasound came back
There was a shock
'It's a panda baby,' said Deena
'A fetus,' said Nick
'It's gross,' said Charlie
There was a brief silence
Where you could hear the hyena
Crying out in the distance
For Herbert
'So wait,' said Deena--
'Who's the father?'
Nick had to spend all day on the phone
Explaining that it was not possible
For the panda to be pregnant
And yet it was
It was indeed pregnant
The panda had been examined
By several panda specialists
And it was pregnant
And it was not simply
As some had suggested
The panda trying to fake it
Just to get some attention
Deena had moved out of her house
So that she could sleep next to the panda pen
And watch Polly (the panda) around the clock
Charlie would arrive every morning
And see Deena curled up in the fetal position
While Polly tried to grab at her hair
Presumably to pull her into the panda pen
And maul her
But that wasn't what Polly wanted to do
Polly wanted to raise Deena as her own
Because clearly her parents had done a horrible job
Polly wanted her baby to have a sister
And Deena was her first choice
She thought she'd make a great foster mom
For three days she'd raised the baby hippo
That had wandered into the panda pen
Until Nick caught sight of it
Fired the hippo guy
And put the baby back where it belonged
. . . . .
Nick had ordered an ultrasound
And everybody wanted to get a look
What could be inside Polly?
It couldn't just be another panda
There were no other pandas at the zoo
'I'm telling you,' said Charlie, 'It's a Pangaroo'
'You're an idiot,' said Deena
'Charlie,' said Nick, 'Clearly Polly has not been making love to a tangerine'
These people were running a zoo
Can you believe it?
. . . . .
When the ultrasound came back
There was a shock
'It's a panda baby,' said Deena
'A fetus,' said Nick
'It's gross,' said Charlie
There was a brief silence
Where you could hear the hyena
Crying out in the distance
For Herbert
'So wait,' said Deena--
'Who's the father?'
You're Going to Have to Hit Me Harder
You're going to have to hit me harder
You're going to have to really lay it on
You're going to have to get it going
If you're going to do it
If you're going to achieve your goal
Your soul purpose for the time we've been together
Whether or not your plan is to break me
To take me to the notch where you're resting
Is going to require besting me at a game
I've learned to play
Really well
So give it a hell of a good shot
Because so far what you've got isn't giving me
Much to shake at
Every time you're up at bat you bunt
And show the runt you are
From far away it's easy to say harsh things
But is that all you can bring to this
This Battle Royale
We've got going on?
I'm determined to smile
I'm determined to keep up this smile
While you paint me
With your frown
You're going to have to hit me harder
If you want me to go down
You're going to have to really lay it on
You're going to have to get it going
If you're going to do it
If you're going to achieve your goal
Your soul purpose for the time we've been together
Whether or not your plan is to break me
To take me to the notch where you're resting
Is going to require besting me at a game
I've learned to play
Really well
So give it a hell of a good shot
Because so far what you've got isn't giving me
Much to shake at
Every time you're up at bat you bunt
And show the runt you are
From far away it's easy to say harsh things
But is that all you can bring to this
This Battle Royale
We've got going on?
I'm determined to smile
I'm determined to keep up this smile
While you paint me
With your frown
You're going to have to hit me harder
If you want me to go down
Snow White Might Gossip
Oooohhhh just sit down
Just sit yourself down
Have some pie
I made pie
Do you like pie?
You can put your apple on the table
I'll eat it later
Or give it to Happy
Fat Bitch needs some more fruit in his diet
You know how many times I've bought devil dogs for MYself?
Not for anybody else, but for me?
Because I need a chocolate nap
Every now and again?
And that Fat Bitch eats 'em all
That's why he's so damn happy all the time
I'd be happy too if I was on a sugar high
Twenty-four seven
Here, use this hand sanitizer
Before you touch that spoon
Snotty sneezed all over it
Just like everything else
I have to clean this house eight times a day
Because Perma-Flu won't carry a handkerchief around with him
Watch me come down with hepatitis
Just you watch
Then we got Doc who ain't a doctor
I told my friends I was living with a doctor
But he ain't no doctor
They call him Doc because he used to work down at the shipyard
Until they caught him there with a twelve-year-old girl named Patty
Dressed her up like Shirley Temple with the little sailor hat and everything
Fucked up
Realllll fucked up
That's whose bowl I'm washing
Tell me that ain't wrong
Then we got PMS, always grumpy
Asking me if I ate his wheat bread
I told him, Bitch, I didn't eat your wheat bread
Why don't you ask Fat Bitch if he ate it
Along with everything else in the house?
Giving me nasty looks, thinks I don't see
One of these days there's going to be a tussle
And he don't wanna tussle with me
I'll pull that little hat down over his scrawny little ass
And push him into the well
That's what I'll do
Oh, don't mind him
He's stupid
They call him bashful
But where I'm from
That means you're slow
Sometimes I throw bread crumbs at him
To see if he'll move
But he never does
Now he's got birds eating off his head
Might as well be a water fountain
Now Dummy, he ain't no dummy
He's too damn smart, let me tell you
Because he makes that little face of his
And next thing you know
I'm crawling into that little bed with him
Getting all cozy
And it ain't right
But it is what it is
You know what I'm saying?
Dumb men do it better
But he ain't dumb
Because he knows I love that stupid little grin
All right, I gotta go
Gotta wake up Lazy Ass
He'd sleep all day if I let him
But you bet your ass I ain't lettin' him
He ain't narcopepto
He's just laaaaaazy
Should have stayed with that bitch of a stepmother
Taken my chances
'Round here I gotta break some bad habits
But don't worry, I'll break 'em
I don't like to gossip
But I do like the truth
I just LOVE the truth
So I'll break 'em
I'll break 'em all
And the first thing I gotta do
Is get them all
Some brand new names
Just sit yourself down
Have some pie
I made pie
Do you like pie?
You can put your apple on the table
I'll eat it later
Or give it to Happy
Fat Bitch needs some more fruit in his diet
You know how many times I've bought devil dogs for MYself?
Not for anybody else, but for me?
Because I need a chocolate nap
Every now and again?
And that Fat Bitch eats 'em all
That's why he's so damn happy all the time
I'd be happy too if I was on a sugar high
Twenty-four seven
Here, use this hand sanitizer
Before you touch that spoon
Snotty sneezed all over it
Just like everything else
I have to clean this house eight times a day
Because Perma-Flu won't carry a handkerchief around with him
Watch me come down with hepatitis
Just you watch
Then we got Doc who ain't a doctor
I told my friends I was living with a doctor
But he ain't no doctor
They call him Doc because he used to work down at the shipyard
Until they caught him there with a twelve-year-old girl named Patty
Dressed her up like Shirley Temple with the little sailor hat and everything
Fucked up
Realllll fucked up
That's whose bowl I'm washing
Tell me that ain't wrong
Then we got PMS, always grumpy
Asking me if I ate his wheat bread
I told him, Bitch, I didn't eat your wheat bread
Why don't you ask Fat Bitch if he ate it
Along with everything else in the house?
Giving me nasty looks, thinks I don't see
One of these days there's going to be a tussle
And he don't wanna tussle with me
I'll pull that little hat down over his scrawny little ass
And push him into the well
That's what I'll do
Oh, don't mind him
He's stupid
They call him bashful
But where I'm from
That means you're slow
Sometimes I throw bread crumbs at him
To see if he'll move
But he never does
Now he's got birds eating off his head
Might as well be a water fountain
Now Dummy, he ain't no dummy
He's too damn smart, let me tell you
Because he makes that little face of his
And next thing you know
I'm crawling into that little bed with him
Getting all cozy
And it ain't right
But it is what it is
You know what I'm saying?
Dumb men do it better
But he ain't dumb
Because he knows I love that stupid little grin
All right, I gotta go
Gotta wake up Lazy Ass
He'd sleep all day if I let him
But you bet your ass I ain't lettin' him
He ain't narcopepto
He's just laaaaaazy
Should have stayed with that bitch of a stepmother
Taken my chances
'Round here I gotta break some bad habits
But don't worry, I'll break 'em
I don't like to gossip
But I do like the truth
I just LOVE the truth
So I'll break 'em
I'll break 'em all
And the first thing I gotta do
Is get them all
Some brand new names
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Play Love Shack
When your thirteen-year-old daughter
Is stood up by the sixteen-year-old boy
Who is about to go missing
Play Love Shack
When your wife tells you
That you don't hug her
The way you used to
Play Love Shack
When none of the tenth graders
Are brave enough
To step out on the dance floor
Play Love Shack
When you see a faded sign
That you're not as fun
As you were
A mere two years ago
Play Love Shack
When you can't get your sixty-year-old mother
To dance with you
At your cousin's wedding
Play Love Shack
When you wanna get a little drunk
Not a lot drunk
But just a little drunk
Play Love Shack
When all you have in the kitchen
Is Chinese food and black olives
And one clean plate left
Play Love Shack
When life has gone to hell
I promise things will get better
If you play Love Shack
1989 will be back
And we'll all be stupid
And have ridiculous hair
And shout out 'tin roof rusted'
As if we're the only one yelling it
We'll bang bang bang on the door
We'll kiss someone we've always wanted to kiss
We'll finally stop crying
We'll look absolutely foolish
We'll break vases we never liked
We'll take strangers and make them family
All we gotta do
Is play Love Shack
Is stood up by the sixteen-year-old boy
Who is about to go missing
Play Love Shack
When your wife tells you
That you don't hug her
The way you used to
Play Love Shack
When none of the tenth graders
Are brave enough
To step out on the dance floor
Play Love Shack
When you see a faded sign
That you're not as fun
As you were
A mere two years ago
Play Love Shack
When you can't get your sixty-year-old mother
To dance with you
At your cousin's wedding
Play Love Shack
When you wanna get a little drunk
Not a lot drunk
But just a little drunk
Play Love Shack
When all you have in the kitchen
Is Chinese food and black olives
And one clean plate left
Play Love Shack
When life has gone to hell
I promise things will get better
If you play Love Shack
1989 will be back
And we'll all be stupid
And have ridiculous hair
And shout out 'tin roof rusted'
As if we're the only one yelling it
We'll bang bang bang on the door
We'll kiss someone we've always wanted to kiss
We'll finally stop crying
We'll look absolutely foolish
We'll break vases we never liked
We'll take strangers and make them family
All we gotta do
Is play Love Shack
This Ain't a Schoolroom, And I Ain't Your Teacher
I'm not here to teach you math
I'm not here to work on your kissing
I'm not missing you at two
When the last bell rings
And you're bringing work home
For me to do
This ain't a schoolroom
And I ain't your teacher
I'm not here to get you past
Your past or present dilemma
I'm not here for your long division
Dividing up the parts of you
That need to be tended to
I'm not here for your geography
Trying to find the places
That feel good on me
I'm not here for your sociological experiments
Denting my time with your lack of rhyming ability
Your utilities shut down as each bill check bounces
Trouncing me with your inadequate vocabulary
This ain't a schoolroom, honey
And I ain't your teacher
I'm not here to show you rocks
Or let you know where on my body
You can find my--
My oh my
You sure like to cry
Over why I'm being this way
It's not okay for you to show up late
I'm not taking attendance to see if you're here
Only to find out you're roaming the halls
You've got balls being everywhere
When here is where I need you
I wish you had aced this
I wish you had it nailed
I may be just your lover
But guess what?
You just failed
I'm not here to work on your kissing
I'm not missing you at two
When the last bell rings
And you're bringing work home
For me to do
This ain't a schoolroom
And I ain't your teacher
I'm not here to get you past
Your past or present dilemma
I'm not here for your long division
Dividing up the parts of you
That need to be tended to
I'm not here for your geography
Trying to find the places
That feel good on me
I'm not here for your sociological experiments
Denting my time with your lack of rhyming ability
Your utilities shut down as each bill check bounces
Trouncing me with your inadequate vocabulary
This ain't a schoolroom, honey
And I ain't your teacher
I'm not here to show you rocks
Or let you know where on my body
You can find my--
My oh my
You sure like to cry
Over why I'm being this way
It's not okay for you to show up late
I'm not taking attendance to see if you're here
Only to find out you're roaming the halls
You've got balls being everywhere
When here is where I need you
I wish you had aced this
I wish you had it nailed
I may be just your lover
But guess what?
You just failed
Don't You Have Somewhere to Be?
I heard you were here
But I didn't believe it
I didn't believe it when they told me
When they told me
You were here
Aren't you supposed to be higher by now?
Aren't you supposed to have accelerated
Elevated yourself to some higher plane
What are you gaining by being here?
This pond's so small
You can see the shore
And I'm sure you're not satisfied
Treading water
In our little puddle
Why are you muddling your life with half a shot
Don't you know you got something
Bigger to live up to?
Who told you you belonged here?
Who said this was where you stopped?
Stop making excuses
For why you're not further along
And get strong and get strong fast
You won't last here, kid
God didn't give you petals
So you could be a stone
There ain't a crowd in this world
That can stop you from feeling alone
Get out on our own
And stay out this time
I'd keep you here forever
So do me a favor
And don't listen to me
Just tell me something
Don't you have somewhere to be?
But I didn't believe it
I didn't believe it when they told me
When they told me
You were here
Aren't you supposed to be higher by now?
Aren't you supposed to have accelerated
Elevated yourself to some higher plane
What are you gaining by being here?
This pond's so small
You can see the shore
And I'm sure you're not satisfied
Treading water
In our little puddle
Why are you muddling your life with half a shot
Don't you know you got something
Bigger to live up to?
Who told you you belonged here?
Who said this was where you stopped?
Stop making excuses
For why you're not further along
And get strong and get strong fast
You won't last here, kid
God didn't give you petals
So you could be a stone
There ain't a crowd in this world
That can stop you from feeling alone
Get out on our own
And stay out this time
I'd keep you here forever
So do me a favor
And don't listen to me
Just tell me something
Don't you have somewhere to be?
Monday, September 21, 2009
When the Panda Got Pregnant (Pt 1)
When the panda got pregnant
The zoo staff had a meeting
A meeting to discuss the panda
And its pregnancy
And how it was impossible
You see
There is only one panda
At the Park Side Zoo
So the panda could not possibly be pregnant
And yet, it was
It very much was
Nick insisted that another panda
Must have somehow found its way to the Park Side Zoo
Some incredibly horny panda
That would be willing to travel for hundreds of miles
(Because the nearest zoo was hundreds of miles away)
Simply to mate
With Polly (The Panda)
Deena was convinced that it was Immaculate Conception
Which meant that the new panda baby
Was going to be the Messiah
It made sense
Pandas are adorable
And if they could talk
People probably would follow them into Heaven
Charlie thought the panda had sex with a zebra
Because the zebras were always getting out
And now the zoo was going to have the first ever
Panda-Zebra mix
And he wanted credit for naming it
"The Pebra"
Deena said that sounded like a urethra infection
And this caused the meeting to dissolve into chaos
. . . . .
Deena sat with the panda the next day
They ate leaves together
And talked about boys
Now that Deena was convinced
That Polly was the Messiah's mother
She knew Polly could understand her
So she told her about Todd
And how if they had a kid
He probably wouldn't leave her
'Polly, do you think you could bless me?
That way I could get pregnant like you are
Without having to have sex with Todd
Because he's kinda gross down there
But I love him anyway'
Polly looked at Deena like she was crazy
And then walked away
Deena thought that meant it was a good sign
A really good sign
The zoo staff had a meeting
A meeting to discuss the panda
And its pregnancy
And how it was impossible
You see
There is only one panda
At the Park Side Zoo
So the panda could not possibly be pregnant
And yet, it was
It very much was
Nick insisted that another panda
Must have somehow found its way to the Park Side Zoo
Some incredibly horny panda
That would be willing to travel for hundreds of miles
(Because the nearest zoo was hundreds of miles away)
Simply to mate
With Polly (The Panda)
Deena was convinced that it was Immaculate Conception
Which meant that the new panda baby
Was going to be the Messiah
It made sense
Pandas are adorable
And if they could talk
People probably would follow them into Heaven
Charlie thought the panda had sex with a zebra
Because the zebras were always getting out
And now the zoo was going to have the first ever
Panda-Zebra mix
And he wanted credit for naming it
"The Pebra"
Deena said that sounded like a urethra infection
And this caused the meeting to dissolve into chaos
. . . . .
Deena sat with the panda the next day
They ate leaves together
And talked about boys
Now that Deena was convinced
That Polly was the Messiah's mother
She knew Polly could understand her
So she told her about Todd
And how if they had a kid
He probably wouldn't leave her
'Polly, do you think you could bless me?
That way I could get pregnant like you are
Without having to have sex with Todd
Because he's kinda gross down there
But I love him anyway'
Polly looked at Deena like she was crazy
And then walked away
Deena thought that meant it was a good sign
A really good sign
You Gotta Be Smart to Act This Dumb
To make a bad decision
And come up with eight good reasons
Why it's not a bad decision
Even as the consequences
Are raining down upon you
Is pretty damn smart
I have to admit
To date an idiot
And come up with logical reasons
Why trusting your heart
To someone you normally
Wouldn't trust with a house plant
Is actually quite bright
I have to admit
To put effort into something
That is clearly going to fail
And continue putting effort in
Even as it's failing
Which is basically like putting water in a barrel
With more holes in it than actual container surface
And to tell yourself the entire time
That you're "working towards something"
Is almost genius
To convince yourself
You, a smart person
Who has spent their entire lives
Building up an intellect
That is nearly unmatched
That your intellect doesn't matter
As much as your "feelings"
Is astounding
Really, truly
It's awe-inspiring
In its magnitude
So, no
To answer your question
I don't think you're dumb
Because to act this dumb
You'd have to be smart
You gotta be smart
To act this dumb
And come up with eight good reasons
Why it's not a bad decision
Even as the consequences
Are raining down upon you
Is pretty damn smart
I have to admit
To date an idiot
And come up with logical reasons
Why trusting your heart
To someone you normally
Wouldn't trust with a house plant
Is actually quite bright
I have to admit
To put effort into something
That is clearly going to fail
And continue putting effort in
Even as it's failing
Which is basically like putting water in a barrel
With more holes in it than actual container surface
And to tell yourself the entire time
That you're "working towards something"
Is almost genius
To convince yourself
You, a smart person
Who has spent their entire lives
Building up an intellect
That is nearly unmatched
That your intellect doesn't matter
As much as your "feelings"
Is astounding
Really, truly
It's awe-inspiring
In its magnitude
So, no
To answer your question
I don't think you're dumb
Because to act this dumb
You'd have to be smart
You gotta be smart
To act this dumb
Cinderella's Not Impressed
What do you think you're doing?
You're going to put that shoe on me now?
Now it gets to go on me
Now that you put it on everyone else's feet?
I don't think so
I really don't think so
I just danced with you last night
And you couldn't even remember my face
You have to go all around the kingdom
Looking to see if you can recognize me
By putting my slipper
On a bunch of nasty toes
To see if it fits
You couldn't remember my eyes?
The small of my back?
The sound of my voice?
It's not like we didn't talk, dumbass
So I got locked in a closet
By that warthog over there
But as soon as I busted out
You still made me put on the damn shoe!
You didn't say 'Oh my God! There she is!'
You treated me like a customer at Payless
What would have happened if my feet were swollen today
From all the times you stepped on my toes
When we were dancing last night?
Huh?
You'd have let me go back to the dust corner
While you went to the next house
And tried shoving my glass slipper
On Betty the Milk Maid?
Ohhhhh nooooooo
I'm going to teach you a lesson, sweetheart
The next time you spend all night dancing with a girl
You get a good look at her
Because the next time you see her
She might not be wearing make-up
And a pretty evening gown
If you thought I was going to look like that
For the rest of my life
Then you obviously don't get out of the palace much
So you go on and take off
And you come back
When you're ready to apologize
Yeah, I know what they call you
But guess what Mr. C?
I'm not impressed
You're going to put that shoe on me now?
Now it gets to go on me
Now that you put it on everyone else's feet?
I don't think so
I really don't think so
I just danced with you last night
And you couldn't even remember my face
You have to go all around the kingdom
Looking to see if you can recognize me
By putting my slipper
On a bunch of nasty toes
To see if it fits
You couldn't remember my eyes?
The small of my back?
The sound of my voice?
It's not like we didn't talk, dumbass
So I got locked in a closet
By that warthog over there
But as soon as I busted out
You still made me put on the damn shoe!
You didn't say 'Oh my God! There she is!'
You treated me like a customer at Payless
What would have happened if my feet were swollen today
From all the times you stepped on my toes
When we were dancing last night?
Huh?
You'd have let me go back to the dust corner
While you went to the next house
And tried shoving my glass slipper
On Betty the Milk Maid?
Ohhhhh nooooooo
I'm going to teach you a lesson, sweetheart
The next time you spend all night dancing with a girl
You get a good look at her
Because the next time you see her
She might not be wearing make-up
And a pretty evening gown
If you thought I was going to look like that
For the rest of my life
Then you obviously don't get out of the palace much
So you go on and take off
And you come back
When you're ready to apologize
Yeah, I know what they call you
But guess what Mr. C?
I'm not impressed
There's No Such Thing as a Cute Stalker
If you're cute
You can make me apple bread
Two hours after
Our first date
If you're cute
You can call me eighteen times
At two am
And I won't mind
If you're cute
You can take me to your parents' house
On the second date
And introduce me
As 'the one'
If you're cute
I really won't mind
Because there's no such thing
As a cute stalker
If you write all over my wall
With hearts and smiles
With words like 'soulmate' and 'yearn'
I won't remove them
'Cause you're cute
If you text me 'Hey'
Eight times a day
When you know I'm at work
Or doing something
I won't block your number
'Cause you're cute
If you can make all my friends jealous
Then you can cling to me
Like a symbiotic fish
I'll be your big fish, baby
Because there's no such thing
As a cute stalker
Now if you should happen
To lose your looks
Or have a piano fall on you
Or lose any of your charm
Or dashing ways
I'll drop you faster
Than a class I'm not passing
And I won't think twice about it
But until then you're cute
So feel free to grab on
And hold on tight
You can make me apple bread
Two hours after
Our first date
If you're cute
You can call me eighteen times
At two am
And I won't mind
If you're cute
You can take me to your parents' house
On the second date
And introduce me
As 'the one'
If you're cute
I really won't mind
Because there's no such thing
As a cute stalker
If you write all over my wall
With hearts and smiles
With words like 'soulmate' and 'yearn'
I won't remove them
'Cause you're cute
If you text me 'Hey'
Eight times a day
When you know I'm at work
Or doing something
I won't block your number
'Cause you're cute
If you can make all my friends jealous
Then you can cling to me
Like a symbiotic fish
I'll be your big fish, baby
Because there's no such thing
As a cute stalker
Now if you should happen
To lose your looks
Or have a piano fall on you
Or lose any of your charm
Or dashing ways
I'll drop you faster
Than a class I'm not passing
And I won't think twice about it
But until then you're cute
So feel free to grab on
And hold on tight
Mrs. Brugel's Syllabus
Hello girls!
Welcome to a brand new school year.
I see you're all looking over your syllabuses
Which is excellent
I love eagerness
Eagerness and shoulder rubs
That's something personal about me
Some teachers believe you shouldn't share personal things about yourself
Those teachers are called Ms. Hardlin
And she teaches Math
Which is not surprising
Since Math is a hateful subject
Filled with strict boundaries and limitations
I teach English
Which means we can all hug
And have brownies
And talk about Jane Austen
Who here has read Emma?
That's the first thing on the syllabus
We'll talk about 'Emma'
And then we'll practice match-making ourselves
Look around the room
And think of who here you'd like to match
Nelle looks particularly lonely, don't you think?
One of you must have a nice brother or cousin for her
Always fix up relatives, girls
Never give away a good-looking male friend
You never know when you might want them to be more
But since you can't date your siblings
Somebody should, am I right?
Girls, since this is private school
We can feel free to be religious
So when I say, 'Am I right?'
I want you to give me a big--
AMEN!
And if you don't think I'm right
Go down the hall
And have Ms. Hardlin teach you
The 'Ms.' means 'I'm single because nobody wants me.'
So never put 'Ms.' before your names girls
'Miss,' always 'Miss'
It sounds so much nicer, too
Doesn't it?
Second item on the syllabus!
'Flowers in the Attic'
The school wanted me to have you read 'The Catcher in the Rye'
But we don't need to do that
I can sum up 'Catcher in the Rye' in one sentence
Pencils ready
Here it comes--
'Wah wah sister lover wah wah hooker wah wah phoney wah wah...wah wah.'
Did you get that?
Congratulations
You understand 'The Catcher in the Rye'
'The Flowers in the Attic' is infinitely more interesting
Plus the sister loving is a lot more
Shall we say
Direct
Not that I condone incest
Although Mary, I've seen your stepbrother
And I just want to let you know
If they're not family before you're fifteen
They're fair game
Remember that
Next we come to 'Bleak House'
I've already got the movie in my Netflix que
So we should be all set
Then we're onto 'Shakespeare...'
'...in Love.'
Hahahahaha
You thought we were going to read Shakespeare!
Absolutely, of course
And while we're at it
Why don't we take turns stabbing each other with exacto knives?
Instead of Shakespeare
We'll be reading another prolific genius
Nora Roberts
If we have time before Christmas, we might even do J.D. Robb
But I can't make any promises
So that's our first semester!
I can already see some of you shaking with joy
Believe me, girls
The feeling is mutual
Welcome to a brand new school year.
I see you're all looking over your syllabuses
Which is excellent
I love eagerness
Eagerness and shoulder rubs
That's something personal about me
Some teachers believe you shouldn't share personal things about yourself
Those teachers are called Ms. Hardlin
And she teaches Math
Which is not surprising
Since Math is a hateful subject
Filled with strict boundaries and limitations
I teach English
Which means we can all hug
And have brownies
And talk about Jane Austen
Who here has read Emma?
That's the first thing on the syllabus
We'll talk about 'Emma'
And then we'll practice match-making ourselves
Look around the room
And think of who here you'd like to match
Nelle looks particularly lonely, don't you think?
One of you must have a nice brother or cousin for her
Always fix up relatives, girls
Never give away a good-looking male friend
You never know when you might want them to be more
But since you can't date your siblings
Somebody should, am I right?
Girls, since this is private school
We can feel free to be religious
So when I say, 'Am I right?'
I want you to give me a big--
AMEN!
And if you don't think I'm right
Go down the hall
And have Ms. Hardlin teach you
The 'Ms.' means 'I'm single because nobody wants me.'
So never put 'Ms.' before your names girls
'Miss,' always 'Miss'
It sounds so much nicer, too
Doesn't it?
Second item on the syllabus!
'Flowers in the Attic'
The school wanted me to have you read 'The Catcher in the Rye'
But we don't need to do that
I can sum up 'Catcher in the Rye' in one sentence
Pencils ready
Here it comes--
'Wah wah sister lover wah wah hooker wah wah phoney wah wah...wah wah.'
Did you get that?
Congratulations
You understand 'The Catcher in the Rye'
'The Flowers in the Attic' is infinitely more interesting
Plus the sister loving is a lot more
Shall we say
Direct
Not that I condone incest
Although Mary, I've seen your stepbrother
And I just want to let you know
If they're not family before you're fifteen
They're fair game
Remember that
Next we come to 'Bleak House'
I've already got the movie in my Netflix que
So we should be all set
Then we're onto 'Shakespeare...'
'...in Love.'
Hahahahaha
You thought we were going to read Shakespeare!
Absolutely, of course
And while we're at it
Why don't we take turns stabbing each other with exacto knives?
Instead of Shakespeare
We'll be reading another prolific genius
Nora Roberts
If we have time before Christmas, we might even do J.D. Robb
But I can't make any promises
So that's our first semester!
I can already see some of you shaking with joy
Believe me, girls
The feeling is mutual
Vivianna and Elynna
Mum won't get out of bed
She says she will
But she won't
And can I bring her juice
And can I fluff her pillow
And can I entertain you?
So I need to be entertaining
Do you want to play guillotine?
No?
All right then
Do you want to play corporate espionage?
No?
All right then
Do you want to cover all the jars in paper
Then mix 'em up and eat things out of them blind-folded?
No?
Fine, enjoy yourself then
"I cannot amuse those who are not bold"
Tori Amos said that
Right before she shot herself
She did though
It was in the news
It happened right this morning
Before you woke up
And do you know what else happened, Ely?
Santa Clause married the Easter Bunny
And they both retired
Do you know what that means?
It means two things
One--No more Christmas or Easter
Two--Santa Clause diddles bunnies, and that makes him a furry
It's true, though
It is true
The world is a hateful place
The news told me so
But you were sleeping
Because you're lazy
No, not like Mum
Mum isn't lazy
Mum is just tired
Because life hits her a lot
Not like how I hit you
When you touch my shoes
It hits her metaphysically
That means it doesn't really do it
But it feels like it does
To her anyway
That's why Dad hates being her
Because he doesn't want to get metaphysically beaten either
And because he hates you
Because you were an accident
Yes, he does
It was on the news
They said so this morning
They said--
'Vivianna's Father Loves Her, but Unfortunately, Not Her Sister Elynna, Who is Referred to As The "Oh No" Daughter'
That was the headline
It's true, Ely
Sorry to say so
But it's true
See what happens when you sleep in?
You miss so much
Do you want to play tattoo artist?
No?
All right then
She says she will
But she won't
And can I bring her juice
And can I fluff her pillow
And can I entertain you?
So I need to be entertaining
Do you want to play guillotine?
No?
All right then
Do you want to play corporate espionage?
No?
All right then
Do you want to cover all the jars in paper
Then mix 'em up and eat things out of them blind-folded?
No?
Fine, enjoy yourself then
"I cannot amuse those who are not bold"
Tori Amos said that
Right before she shot herself
She did though
It was in the news
It happened right this morning
Before you woke up
And do you know what else happened, Ely?
Santa Clause married the Easter Bunny
And they both retired
Do you know what that means?
It means two things
One--No more Christmas or Easter
Two--Santa Clause diddles bunnies, and that makes him a furry
It's true, though
It is true
The world is a hateful place
The news told me so
But you were sleeping
Because you're lazy
No, not like Mum
Mum isn't lazy
Mum is just tired
Because life hits her a lot
Not like how I hit you
When you touch my shoes
It hits her metaphysically
That means it doesn't really do it
But it feels like it does
To her anyway
That's why Dad hates being her
Because he doesn't want to get metaphysically beaten either
And because he hates you
Because you were an accident
Yes, he does
It was on the news
They said so this morning
They said--
'Vivianna's Father Loves Her, but Unfortunately, Not Her Sister Elynna, Who is Referred to As The "Oh No" Daughter'
That was the headline
It's true, Ely
Sorry to say so
But it's true
See what happens when you sleep in?
You miss so much
Do you want to play tattoo artist?
No?
All right then
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Parka Problem
We have a problem
There are seven of the Dannica parkas
Seven, just seven
Seven parkas
In the entire city
I have a request
For four hundred parkas
Because LM is throwing a party tonight
And she wants to give out the parkas
To all her guests
She wants to give Dannica parkas
As party favors
I would have spit on her
But on my new meds I can't create saliva
So I just shot her a look
Well, not LM
Ronald, her assistant
Who is such a bitch
He tells me this over lunch
A lunch I thought was a date
Which was not, apparently
But whatever, who cares
Anyway
Dannica is in Sweden
And the seven parkas
Are in seven different places
And I have until eight tonight
To not only retrieve those parkas
But find three hundred and ninety three
KNOCKOFF DANNICA PARKAS
So that LM's guests
Can feel special
Oh fuck that
It's a foundation party
For sick kids
Like anyone's going to be able to tell the difference
Between a legit D-Parka
And a street one
The only way you can tell is if you look at the left sleeve
Which I highly doubt they will
The only one who will is LM
And I'll get her one of the seven
If I can get to that fucking junkie
Before she gets on the goddammed plane
Back to London
The other six are all at Bali's
Which is where I'm supposed to be
But I have to deal with the parka problem
Because Dannica only makes seven of everything
LM doesn't care
She thinks because her grandfather invented tupperware
That she can just order around everybody
She won't even ask how I managed to get four hundred parkas
In under twenty-four hours notice
She'll just look at them
And then, like, wave me away
Like I'm the fucking court jester
I love that she's throwing an F-Party
For sick kids
She's a fucking germophobe
If you sneeze anywhere near that woman
She has you, like, tackled by her bodyguards
And thrown into jail
I'd like to dip her parka in sheep's blood
She'd probably compliment the color
And then ask what too me so long
And fucking Dannica's at that stupid hoops convention
Because apparently hoops are going to be, like
So the grater next year
But, like
Why do you have to go to a convention for them?
What the fuck do you a need a convention for?
To understand hoops?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I should get on a plane to Sweden
And, like, crash her hoops convention
With like, my nipples exposed
In that bullshit toy shirt
She made last year
That she made Jude wear on the Details cover
All right, I have to go
Taxis are honking at me
I FUCKED YOUR ORPHAN, ASSHOLE!
God, like I care, you know?
Like I fucking care
There are seven of the Dannica parkas
Seven, just seven
Seven parkas
In the entire city
I have a request
For four hundred parkas
Because LM is throwing a party tonight
And she wants to give out the parkas
To all her guests
She wants to give Dannica parkas
As party favors
I would have spit on her
But on my new meds I can't create saliva
So I just shot her a look
Well, not LM
Ronald, her assistant
Who is such a bitch
He tells me this over lunch
A lunch I thought was a date
Which was not, apparently
But whatever, who cares
Anyway
Dannica is in Sweden
And the seven parkas
Are in seven different places
And I have until eight tonight
To not only retrieve those parkas
But find three hundred and ninety three
KNOCKOFF DANNICA PARKAS
So that LM's guests
Can feel special
Oh fuck that
It's a foundation party
For sick kids
Like anyone's going to be able to tell the difference
Between a legit D-Parka
And a street one
The only way you can tell is if you look at the left sleeve
Which I highly doubt they will
The only one who will is LM
And I'll get her one of the seven
If I can get to that fucking junkie
Before she gets on the goddammed plane
Back to London
The other six are all at Bali's
Which is where I'm supposed to be
But I have to deal with the parka problem
Because Dannica only makes seven of everything
LM doesn't care
She thinks because her grandfather invented tupperware
That she can just order around everybody
She won't even ask how I managed to get four hundred parkas
In under twenty-four hours notice
She'll just look at them
And then, like, wave me away
Like I'm the fucking court jester
I love that she's throwing an F-Party
For sick kids
She's a fucking germophobe
If you sneeze anywhere near that woman
She has you, like, tackled by her bodyguards
And thrown into jail
I'd like to dip her parka in sheep's blood
She'd probably compliment the color
And then ask what too me so long
And fucking Dannica's at that stupid hoops convention
Because apparently hoops are going to be, like
So the grater next year
But, like
Why do you have to go to a convention for them?
What the fuck do you a need a convention for?
To understand hoops?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I should get on a plane to Sweden
And, like, crash her hoops convention
With like, my nipples exposed
In that bullshit toy shirt
She made last year
That she made Jude wear on the Details cover
All right, I have to go
Taxis are honking at me
I FUCKED YOUR ORPHAN, ASSHOLE!
God, like I care, you know?
Like I fucking care
Letting Go of the Red Balloon
He lies on his back
With the grass in his hair
And he toys with the string
And the pull upward
The slight tug on his hand
As the wind kicks up
Gusting air beneath him
The air has salt in it
It has blue salt and red time
And it cuts his lips
Then heals them over
Before he can feel the hurt
The red balloon paces above his head
Waiting to be brought back
Or released
Whichever
The red balloon doesn't care what he does
It just wants to know
One way or another
He tries to trace the outline of it
As it darts to five different places
Within the five inches
He's allowed it to travel
He asks the balloon to come back
Before he's even let it go
He knows it's going to go
He's accepted that
And so he keeps asking it to stay
While it's still lingering above him
He doesn't consider just hanging onto it
He knows what he has to do
It's a balloon
It has to be in the sky
All balloons wind up in the sky
Or deflated
And once the air is gone
It's not a balloon
It's just rubber
And disappointment
The wind picks up a little more
And now even he feels the tug
The sky wants the balloon
Who is he to keep it?
So he releases
It climbs up so fast
Before long it's nearly out of sight
Out in the distance
Lightning hits the surface of the lake
And the flash illuminates
What looks like a city
Built on the water
Tonight is Japanese movie night
With Mari and Anyl
Complete with butterscotch nickels
And rum raisin ice cream
It was the last time they'd be doing this
Before Anyl hops to Scotland
And Mari goes to Maine
He gets up and dusts himself off
And it's funny
He can still feel the string
Touching his fingertips
As it passed him by
With the grass in his hair
And he toys with the string
And the pull upward
The slight tug on his hand
As the wind kicks up
Gusting air beneath him
The air has salt in it
It has blue salt and red time
And it cuts his lips
Then heals them over
Before he can feel the hurt
The red balloon paces above his head
Waiting to be brought back
Or released
Whichever
The red balloon doesn't care what he does
It just wants to know
One way or another
He tries to trace the outline of it
As it darts to five different places
Within the five inches
He's allowed it to travel
He asks the balloon to come back
Before he's even let it go
He knows it's going to go
He's accepted that
And so he keeps asking it to stay
While it's still lingering above him
He doesn't consider just hanging onto it
He knows what he has to do
It's a balloon
It has to be in the sky
All balloons wind up in the sky
Or deflated
And once the air is gone
It's not a balloon
It's just rubber
And disappointment
The wind picks up a little more
And now even he feels the tug
The sky wants the balloon
Who is he to keep it?
So he releases
It climbs up so fast
Before long it's nearly out of sight
Out in the distance
Lightning hits the surface of the lake
And the flash illuminates
What looks like a city
Built on the water
Tonight is Japanese movie night
With Mari and Anyl
Complete with butterscotch nickels
And rum raisin ice cream
It was the last time they'd be doing this
Before Anyl hops to Scotland
And Mari goes to Maine
He gets up and dusts himself off
And it's funny
He can still feel the string
Touching his fingertips
As it passed him by
Hong Kong Lightning
Somebody needs to get that
Ringing phone
Leave all the little girls
On the clock alone
Like a beat
Like a downbeat
Like a trumped up charge
Like a burglar alarm
Going off
Going off
Ring ring
Someone's gotta get it
Someone's gotta pick it up
Ring ring
Somebody got hit with it
Somebody got dumbstruck
Somebody's in charge
Boom boom
Tell me did you hear it
Say it wasn't freaky
Left to its devices
Twice I heard it
And the difference is?
And the difference is?
Here you can hear
The lightning
That's why they call it
Hong Kong Lightning
Cause something that you only
Used to see
Becomes something you can hear
Something that you only used to get a sense of
Now you can truly fear
Something that you parlay into day
Sticks around until the next night
And when you bite off more than you can chew
It comes back to you
In a streak of light
Ring ring
Someone better get that
Someone better pick that up
Right now
Boom boom
Somebody's in trouble
Somebody's alone
Someone's gonna wind up
Dead tonight
And when it hits
It hits you hard
Cracks the sky in half
And when it strikes
It strikes you twice
Then comes back
Just to show it can
It's like a man with a gun
Who won't tell you it's loaded
But he points and clicks
With his tongue on his teeth
And he meets you in storm
With the rain on his face
Placing himself between you and race
Against the top of the building
Where the rod sits atop
Can you stop him before
You wind up alone
Can you stop him before
He picks up the phone
Can you stop him before--
Boom boom
See you didn't see it
You just heard it coming
Drumming on a barrel
Past your long dead relatives
Living up ahead
Ring ring
Someone better get that
Someone better pick up
Before it stops
Straight to the top
And you won't see a thing
That's how you know
It's Hong Kong Lightning
Ringing phone
Leave all the little girls
On the clock alone
Like a beat
Like a downbeat
Like a trumped up charge
Like a burglar alarm
Going off
Going off
Ring ring
Someone's gotta get it
Someone's gotta pick it up
Ring ring
Somebody got hit with it
Somebody got dumbstruck
Somebody's in charge
Boom boom
Tell me did you hear it
Say it wasn't freaky
Left to its devices
Twice I heard it
And the difference is?
And the difference is?
Here you can hear
The lightning
That's why they call it
Hong Kong Lightning
Cause something that you only
Used to see
Becomes something you can hear
Something that you only used to get a sense of
Now you can truly fear
Something that you parlay into day
Sticks around until the next night
And when you bite off more than you can chew
It comes back to you
In a streak of light
Ring ring
Someone better get that
Someone better pick that up
Right now
Boom boom
Somebody's in trouble
Somebody's alone
Someone's gonna wind up
Dead tonight
And when it hits
It hits you hard
Cracks the sky in half
And when it strikes
It strikes you twice
Then comes back
Just to show it can
It's like a man with a gun
Who won't tell you it's loaded
But he points and clicks
With his tongue on his teeth
And he meets you in storm
With the rain on his face
Placing himself between you and race
Against the top of the building
Where the rod sits atop
Can you stop him before
You wind up alone
Can you stop him before
He picks up the phone
Can you stop him before--
Boom boom
See you didn't see it
You just heard it coming
Drumming on a barrel
Past your long dead relatives
Living up ahead
Ring ring
Someone better get that
Someone better pick up
Before it stops
Straight to the top
And you won't see a thing
That's how you know
It's Hong Kong Lightning
Friday, September 18, 2009
I Saw You Up There
I got so high
I got so elevated
I got tickled
By the atmosphere
And its prickly layers
I messed with tree tops
To see the birds
Fly up past me
And catch me
In their surge
I was blessed by sunlight
Unfiltered by skylights
Or penthouse views
And due to all that
I felt pure
For once in my life
I felt pure
And I saw you up there
I saw you higher
Then even I was right then
And when I saw you
I smiled
I loved seeing you
Up so high
I got so elevated
I got tickled
By the atmosphere
And its prickly layers
I messed with tree tops
To see the birds
Fly up past me
And catch me
In their surge
I was blessed by sunlight
Unfiltered by skylights
Or penthouse views
And due to all that
I felt pure
For once in my life
I felt pure
And I saw you up there
I saw you higher
Then even I was right then
And when I saw you
I smiled
I loved seeing you
Up so high
The Beanstalk
Is he here again?
AGAIN?
That's twice this week
What does he want now?
Well, tell him we're not home
Tell him I'm not home
Tell him anything
Just make him go away
The what?
The goose?
Is he kidding? Really, though
Is he serious?
He wants the golden goose?
What's he going to do with it?
It's huge
Where's he going to put it?
How's he going to carry it down?
Clearly, he has not thought this through
I mean, I don't care
He can have the goose
It's just taking up space
I was going to sell it in the yard sale anyway
But what if he falls down the stalk
And it lands on him and kills him?
Won't we be liable?
Why does he keep coming here?
Doesn't he have a job?
I knew we should have put up a fence
I mean, I don't know how you fence a beanstalk
But we should have looked into it
No, we can't eat him
...Well...
No! We can't
We gave up eating boys
And raccoons
After the food poisoning incident
Remember?
Just let him take the goose
I'll chase him down the stalk
He'll get scared
And he won't come back
See?
Problem solved
AGAIN?
That's twice this week
What does he want now?
Well, tell him we're not home
Tell him I'm not home
Tell him anything
Just make him go away
The what?
The goose?
Is he kidding? Really, though
Is he serious?
He wants the golden goose?
What's he going to do with it?
It's huge
Where's he going to put it?
How's he going to carry it down?
Clearly, he has not thought this through
I mean, I don't care
He can have the goose
It's just taking up space
I was going to sell it in the yard sale anyway
But what if he falls down the stalk
And it lands on him and kills him?
Won't we be liable?
Why does he keep coming here?
Doesn't he have a job?
I knew we should have put up a fence
I mean, I don't know how you fence a beanstalk
But we should have looked into it
No, we can't eat him
...Well...
No! We can't
We gave up eating boys
And raccoons
After the food poisoning incident
Remember?
Just let him take the goose
I'll chase him down the stalk
He'll get scared
And he won't come back
See?
Problem solved
Where Clouds Come From
There's a guy named Elliot
And Elliot sits around all day
Playing with snowballs
Because you see
Elliot lives above the world
In a place filled with snow
But because it can't snow everywhere
All the time, constantly
Elliot has to do something with the snow
For when it isn't snowing
So he makes clouds
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like bunnies
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like cotton candy
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like Trotsky
The point is
He makes all these clouds
And they make him happy
That's where clouds come from
And Elliot sits around all day
Playing with snowballs
Because you see
Elliot lives above the world
In a place filled with snow
But because it can't snow everywhere
All the time, constantly
Elliot has to do something with the snow
For when it isn't snowing
So he makes clouds
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like bunnies
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like cotton candy
Sometimes he makes clouds that look like Trotsky
The point is
He makes all these clouds
And they make him happy
That's where clouds come from
Thursday, September 17, 2009
If I Have to Tell Him
If I have to tell him
That she's not coming back
I'll have to go down that pier
One step at a time
Until it's late enough at night
So that all the lights along the lake are gone
And I won't see his eyes
When he finds out
She's gone
If I have to tell him
Someone will need to push me
Push me towards the sitting boy
Who never hurt a fly
Much less this girl
This stupid girl
Who worried about sunscreen and bugspray
When in the midst of pure summer beauty
Someone will have to force me
To deliver this insanity
To that boy
With his arms
Wrapped around his knees
Freezing near the lukewarm water
Waiting for someone to tell him
What he already knows
If I have to tell him
Then give me a script
Lines to read from
Let's make the whole thing a play
A tragedy
And he and I will dive into the lake
Sinking to the bottom
Never thinking that we have to come up
We'll make a home at the bottom there
And when winter falls around us
We'll find it nice that ice is forming
To lock us into time
And I hear if you freeze bad news
Then break it
It becomes something new
If I have to tell him
Tell me how to say it
Tell me how to phrase it
So that the words aren't sharp
But soft and gentle
So that they're around him like a blanket
Before he even knows they're there
If I have to tell him
Then you have to tell me
Please, tell me
Tell me how to tell him
That she's not coming back
That she's not coming back
I'll have to go down that pier
One step at a time
Until it's late enough at night
So that all the lights along the lake are gone
And I won't see his eyes
When he finds out
She's gone
If I have to tell him
Someone will need to push me
Push me towards the sitting boy
Who never hurt a fly
Much less this girl
This stupid girl
Who worried about sunscreen and bugspray
When in the midst of pure summer beauty
Someone will have to force me
To deliver this insanity
To that boy
With his arms
Wrapped around his knees
Freezing near the lukewarm water
Waiting for someone to tell him
What he already knows
If I have to tell him
Then give me a script
Lines to read from
Let's make the whole thing a play
A tragedy
And he and I will dive into the lake
Sinking to the bottom
Never thinking that we have to come up
We'll make a home at the bottom there
And when winter falls around us
We'll find it nice that ice is forming
To lock us into time
And I hear if you freeze bad news
Then break it
It becomes something new
If I have to tell him
Tell me how to say it
Tell me how to phrase it
So that the words aren't sharp
But soft and gentle
So that they're around him like a blanket
Before he even knows they're there
If I have to tell him
Then you have to tell me
Please, tell me
Tell me how to tell him
That she's not coming back
Sanctuary
The man's in my office
I don't know his name
I didn't ask
Truthfully, I didn't want to know
I knew he had done something
I knew it was wrong
I knew it was very wrong
And I didn't want to know
He wanted to tell me
He wanted to confess to it
And I denied him
I denied him his sacred right
I am a priest
And I denied this man's chance
At penance
Because I didn't want to know
Because I looked at him
And I knew I shouldn't know
. . . . .
His eyes were half-closed
Like he was asleep
And I got him into the church
Just before I heard the sirens
They went rushing past the door
And a trace of blue light
Got into the room
And over the man's face
He looked like he was drowning
And it scared me
Men of God are not supposed to be frightened by earthly things
But this man's face terrified me
Because it was covered
It was covered by dirty tears
Tears aren't supposed to look that way
They were staining this man's face
Permanently staining the spots where they fell
And I could tell they hurt him
They burned their way down his cheeks
He asked me not to let him back outside
That's the word he used--'let'
'Please, don't let me back outside'
As if he would go on his own
As if I might have to stop him from doing so
And I said 'Yes'
I said 'Yes, you'll stay here'
I didn't ask him to
I didn't offer
I told him he would stay
I brought the Devil into the house of God
And I told him to stay
. . . . .
I've been a priest for most of my life
I've heard every confession you can think of
I've heard every betrayal
I've heard every deception
I've heard everything
That's the only way to say it
Everything, everything
Everything
Have I been shaken?
Yes, very badly
Sometimes I would hear things
And I'd have to grasp my knees
To keep from falling down onto myself
And screaming out damning prayers
At the person on the other side of my little wall
A slot, that's all they give you
That's supposed to be the difference
Between the good and the bad
A little wall
Through which you can see shades
Of the person whose sins you're absolving
Maybe that's why I let the man
Maybe too much of that sin
Has seeped through my little wall
Over these long years
. . . . .
When I heard about the girl
I knew it was him
My secretary was discussing it
With a volunteer at the church
And I only had to catch a few words
Before I knew that it was him
He had done the things they were describing
Rape, I heard
A hard word to miss
And stab, I remember stab
And river
That was the last word that I heard
Something about the river
And I knew where he was
He was still laying in bed
In the spare room two doors down from mine
In the rectory
I slept two doors down
From a man who done this
Who had these words on him
Stab
Rape
River
And do you know what my first thought was?
Not, Why didn't I shut the door on him
I knew why I didn't do that
That's not done
It's never done
You don't do that
You do NOT shut the door
On a man lying on your doorstep
On the front step of a church
You let him in
That's what you do
And I didn't think, Why didn't I give him confession?
Why didn't I ask if he needed it?
I knew that he needed it
Why didn't I wipe those tears from his face
And send him back out to those sirens
Let the blue lights surround him
And take him wherever they needed to
I'd have done my duty to God
I'd have sent him on his way
With as clean a soul as he'd have
Cleaner than anyone else could give him
But I didn't think any of that
All I could think was--
What did he dream about last night?
. . . . .
They came the next day
The man hadn't left the spare room
And I hadn't gone to him
Because every time I tried
I felt myself pulled away from his room
The pull was so strong
It felt like the Lord tugging at me
Begging me to retreat
To go back until I had the strength
To face what was in that room
I woke up the next morning
I went about my day
I maintained my composure
And I prayed
I prayed for strength
And I...
I'm not proud of this
I questioned
I questioned God
I questioned the unquestionable
I wanted to know
Why he had sent this man to me
And then they came...
. . . . .
They asked if I had seen him
They knew he had been in the area
And there were limited places he could hide
Apparently he was considered unwell
Even before...
They knew he hadn't gotten far
Sounds like a detective story, doesn't it?
I certainly felt like that's what I was in
A mystery
But their mystery and mine was not the same
They were looking for the man
The man wasn't my mystery
I knew where he was
I knew what he was
I knew all about that mystery
My mystery was why
It rested in the why
It laid there while I looked at it
And screamed at it in my mind
Why
Why
Why
I questioned again and again
And when I felt anger at myself
For doing so
I fought back the anger
And l let another anger
A deeper anger
A rage
Come over me
And over everything about me
I burned up my faith
Like a piece of paper
In a brush fire
And these two men
They stood there questioning me
And I stood there
Letting myself rise up
Past the cracking paint
On the walls of the church
And up into the rain clouds
That were forming again
And I questioned myself
And they questioned me
And I asked why
Why was this happening to me?
And that was when my secretary came and got me
The man was sitting in my office
He was waiting for me
. . . . .
The two men left an hour ago
They believed me
When I told them
There was no man here
I didn't lie
I would have
Don't let me get away
With telling you that I wouldn't have lied
I would have strangled them both
On the altar of God in this church
If it would have gotten them out of here
But I didn't have to
I didn't have to lie
Because they believed me
Because it wasn't a lie
The man they're looking for isn't here
I really don't think they know who it is
They're really looking for
But I know
I know all the things
I didn't want to know
And he's waiting
He's waiting for me
Waiting for me to come
And tell him his fate
What exactly is the fate of the Devil?
We're never told that
We're never told if God has an ending
We're never told what God waits for
And what we don't know about good
We can't know about evil
And so what we don't know about God
The Devil...
Is he waiting for us
Are they both waiting for us
To decide for ourselves?
Maybe if I knew that
I'd know what to tell the man
Waiting for me
. . . . .
If he asks me for sanctuary
I don't know what I'll say
I have to say 'Yes'
If I say anything
But what if I don't?
What if I just stand there
And step aside
And let him invade my sanctity
With his stained tears?
With those words
When he stood near me that night
I swear what I smelled on him was that girl
I swear I could smell her
And the river
Lord, I could smell the river
It lifted up inside my nostrils
And crawled behind my eyes
And drove me crazy
With visions
Visions of what this was before me
I know you must be furious at me
For not giving him redemption
But you made me
You know what I am made of
And you sent that man to me
Knowing I don't have arms long enough
To reach down into that mire
And pull that man out of it
Without falling into myself
You knew saving him
Would kill me
Is that what you wanted?
Did you want me to sacrifice my life
To save the Devil?
How would that not be a waste?
Can you tell me?
TELL ME!
. . . . .
Haven't I been a good man?
Haven't I been humbled?
Haven't I lived a life to make you proud of me?
And you send that man
Into this place
This place that I made for you
A place where you could come to those
Who have lost their way
Not a place for those
Who take innocence
And stab holes into it
And defile it
And throw it into cold, muddy water
Can you tell me that you wanted that
In your house?
I'd tear down these walls first
I'd smash the glass with my fists
I'd strip the paint with my broken fingernails
Because wouldn't that be the test?
Is that what this is about?
Are you trying to see
If I hate evil
More than I love you?
Have I spent too much of my life loving
And not enough of it chasing
Going after those things
Those men
Who bring pain into this world
Is that why you sent him to me?
. . . . .
I will not take his confession
I will not clean his soul
I will not lighten the burden
He has placed upon himself
I will not banish him from this house
Because it is not my house
It is not my place
To banish him from
I will merely move about him
The way I would move about
A quiet tiger
And should he choose to take me
Should he choose to eat me alive
I can only hope you give me the sanctuary
That I am giving to him
This is my confession
May these tears you see me crying
Not stain my face forever
I don't know his name
I didn't ask
Truthfully, I didn't want to know
I knew he had done something
I knew it was wrong
I knew it was very wrong
And I didn't want to know
He wanted to tell me
He wanted to confess to it
And I denied him
I denied him his sacred right
I am a priest
And I denied this man's chance
At penance
Because I didn't want to know
Because I looked at him
And I knew I shouldn't know
. . . . .
His eyes were half-closed
Like he was asleep
And I got him into the church
Just before I heard the sirens
They went rushing past the door
And a trace of blue light
Got into the room
And over the man's face
He looked like he was drowning
And it scared me
Men of God are not supposed to be frightened by earthly things
But this man's face terrified me
Because it was covered
It was covered by dirty tears
Tears aren't supposed to look that way
They were staining this man's face
Permanently staining the spots where they fell
And I could tell they hurt him
They burned their way down his cheeks
He asked me not to let him back outside
That's the word he used--'let'
'Please, don't let me back outside'
As if he would go on his own
As if I might have to stop him from doing so
And I said 'Yes'
I said 'Yes, you'll stay here'
I didn't ask him to
I didn't offer
I told him he would stay
I brought the Devil into the house of God
And I told him to stay
. . . . .
I've been a priest for most of my life
I've heard every confession you can think of
I've heard every betrayal
I've heard every deception
I've heard everything
That's the only way to say it
Everything, everything
Everything
Have I been shaken?
Yes, very badly
Sometimes I would hear things
And I'd have to grasp my knees
To keep from falling down onto myself
And screaming out damning prayers
At the person on the other side of my little wall
A slot, that's all they give you
That's supposed to be the difference
Between the good and the bad
A little wall
Through which you can see shades
Of the person whose sins you're absolving
Maybe that's why I let the man
Maybe too much of that sin
Has seeped through my little wall
Over these long years
. . . . .
When I heard about the girl
I knew it was him
My secretary was discussing it
With a volunteer at the church
And I only had to catch a few words
Before I knew that it was him
He had done the things they were describing
Rape, I heard
A hard word to miss
And stab, I remember stab
And river
That was the last word that I heard
Something about the river
And I knew where he was
He was still laying in bed
In the spare room two doors down from mine
In the rectory
I slept two doors down
From a man who done this
Who had these words on him
Stab
Rape
River
And do you know what my first thought was?
Not, Why didn't I shut the door on him
I knew why I didn't do that
That's not done
It's never done
You don't do that
You do NOT shut the door
On a man lying on your doorstep
On the front step of a church
You let him in
That's what you do
And I didn't think, Why didn't I give him confession?
Why didn't I ask if he needed it?
I knew that he needed it
Why didn't I wipe those tears from his face
And send him back out to those sirens
Let the blue lights surround him
And take him wherever they needed to
I'd have done my duty to God
I'd have sent him on his way
With as clean a soul as he'd have
Cleaner than anyone else could give him
But I didn't think any of that
All I could think was--
What did he dream about last night?
. . . . .
They came the next day
The man hadn't left the spare room
And I hadn't gone to him
Because every time I tried
I felt myself pulled away from his room
The pull was so strong
It felt like the Lord tugging at me
Begging me to retreat
To go back until I had the strength
To face what was in that room
I woke up the next morning
I went about my day
I maintained my composure
And I prayed
I prayed for strength
And I...
I'm not proud of this
I questioned
I questioned God
I questioned the unquestionable
I wanted to know
Why he had sent this man to me
And then they came...
. . . . .
They asked if I had seen him
They knew he had been in the area
And there were limited places he could hide
Apparently he was considered unwell
Even before...
They knew he hadn't gotten far
Sounds like a detective story, doesn't it?
I certainly felt like that's what I was in
A mystery
But their mystery and mine was not the same
They were looking for the man
The man wasn't my mystery
I knew where he was
I knew what he was
I knew all about that mystery
My mystery was why
It rested in the why
It laid there while I looked at it
And screamed at it in my mind
Why
Why
Why
I questioned again and again
And when I felt anger at myself
For doing so
I fought back the anger
And l let another anger
A deeper anger
A rage
Come over me
And over everything about me
I burned up my faith
Like a piece of paper
In a brush fire
And these two men
They stood there questioning me
And I stood there
Letting myself rise up
Past the cracking paint
On the walls of the church
And up into the rain clouds
That were forming again
And I questioned myself
And they questioned me
And I asked why
Why was this happening to me?
And that was when my secretary came and got me
The man was sitting in my office
He was waiting for me
. . . . .
The two men left an hour ago
They believed me
When I told them
There was no man here
I didn't lie
I would have
Don't let me get away
With telling you that I wouldn't have lied
I would have strangled them both
On the altar of God in this church
If it would have gotten them out of here
But I didn't have to
I didn't have to lie
Because they believed me
Because it wasn't a lie
The man they're looking for isn't here
I really don't think they know who it is
They're really looking for
But I know
I know all the things
I didn't want to know
And he's waiting
He's waiting for me
Waiting for me to come
And tell him his fate
What exactly is the fate of the Devil?
We're never told that
We're never told if God has an ending
We're never told what God waits for
And what we don't know about good
We can't know about evil
And so what we don't know about God
The Devil...
Is he waiting for us
Are they both waiting for us
To decide for ourselves?
Maybe if I knew that
I'd know what to tell the man
Waiting for me
. . . . .
If he asks me for sanctuary
I don't know what I'll say
I have to say 'Yes'
If I say anything
But what if I don't?
What if I just stand there
And step aside
And let him invade my sanctity
With his stained tears?
With those words
When he stood near me that night
I swear what I smelled on him was that girl
I swear I could smell her
And the river
Lord, I could smell the river
It lifted up inside my nostrils
And crawled behind my eyes
And drove me crazy
With visions
Visions of what this was before me
I know you must be furious at me
For not giving him redemption
But you made me
You know what I am made of
And you sent that man to me
Knowing I don't have arms long enough
To reach down into that mire
And pull that man out of it
Without falling into myself
You knew saving him
Would kill me
Is that what you wanted?
Did you want me to sacrifice my life
To save the Devil?
How would that not be a waste?
Can you tell me?
TELL ME!
. . . . .
Haven't I been a good man?
Haven't I been humbled?
Haven't I lived a life to make you proud of me?
And you send that man
Into this place
This place that I made for you
A place where you could come to those
Who have lost their way
Not a place for those
Who take innocence
And stab holes into it
And defile it
And throw it into cold, muddy water
Can you tell me that you wanted that
In your house?
I'd tear down these walls first
I'd smash the glass with my fists
I'd strip the paint with my broken fingernails
Because wouldn't that be the test?
Is that what this is about?
Are you trying to see
If I hate evil
More than I love you?
Have I spent too much of my life loving
And not enough of it chasing
Going after those things
Those men
Who bring pain into this world
Is that why you sent him to me?
. . . . .
I will not take his confession
I will not clean his soul
I will not lighten the burden
He has placed upon himself
I will not banish him from this house
Because it is not my house
It is not my place
To banish him from
I will merely move about him
The way I would move about
A quiet tiger
And should he choose to take me
Should he choose to eat me alive
I can only hope you give me the sanctuary
That I am giving to him
This is my confession
May these tears you see me crying
Not stain my face forever
Get in My Suspenders
I like you with my shirt on
I like you with my tie
Hanging low
Down to your legs
I like that you're swallowed up
By the office shirt I wear
When I'm taking meetings
Making me realize
That it's the ugliest shirt I own
And yet you spruce it up
By allowing it
To swallow you whole
I like you in my suspenders
Why don't you get in my suspenders
Why don't you put on my top hat
And pick up my cane
And try to see if you can name
All the places I used to be
Before you were standing here
In front of me asking
If I would stay with you
I like you on my couch
Slouching down with your favorite book
While the sun outside fails to disturb
Your blatant lounging
And scrounging for attention
Only to have you mention my name
While I became solid
Admittedly my game of hard to get
Is not convincing or becoming when faced
With your stunning gaze
I know I can't ask you
To forget everything I said
Because I said it with cement
I said it and set it stone
And it's done
I said I would run
And I don't want to run
I want to get in my clothes with you
And have you snap back my suspenders on me
Snapping me back to adult action
Putting a ring on me
Bringing me up
To where I should be
I know I can't ask you
To get in my bed
Cause instead you'd head out
And I'm about to lose you already
So why don't you steady yourself
And try to remember
Where I left my tuxedo
See if you can beat me
To the back of the closet
And find it before me
See what looks good on you
Because I already know
What looks good on me
I like you with my tie
Hanging low
Down to your legs
I like that you're swallowed up
By the office shirt I wear
When I'm taking meetings
Making me realize
That it's the ugliest shirt I own
And yet you spruce it up
By allowing it
To swallow you whole
I like you in my suspenders
Why don't you get in my suspenders
Why don't you put on my top hat
And pick up my cane
And try to see if you can name
All the places I used to be
Before you were standing here
In front of me asking
If I would stay with you
I like you on my couch
Slouching down with your favorite book
While the sun outside fails to disturb
Your blatant lounging
And scrounging for attention
Only to have you mention my name
While I became solid
Admittedly my game of hard to get
Is not convincing or becoming when faced
With your stunning gaze
I know I can't ask you
To forget everything I said
Because I said it with cement
I said it and set it stone
And it's done
I said I would run
And I don't want to run
I want to get in my clothes with you
And have you snap back my suspenders on me
Snapping me back to adult action
Putting a ring on me
Bringing me up
To where I should be
I know I can't ask you
To get in my bed
Cause instead you'd head out
And I'm about to lose you already
So why don't you steady yourself
And try to remember
Where I left my tuxedo
See if you can beat me
To the back of the closet
And find it before me
See what looks good on you
Because I already know
What looks good on me
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Get the Dog Off the Credenza
Ohhhh myyyyyyyy Jeeeeeesus!
Vance!
VANCE!
Vance...
VANNNNNNNNCE!
Get the dog off the credenza!
Are you insane?
Why are you just sitting there
With Mr. Miyagi off the credenza!
He already peed on the ottoman
Now you got him on the credenza!
I didn't get my lady business taken out
So that you could populate my house
With antique-ruining mixed-breed terriers!
I just caught Mrs. Peanut
Chewing on my piece of the Berlin Wall!
Why won't you talk to me?
Why won't you admit
That you're making me pay for not having children
By getting all these dogs
And pummeling my life with them?
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
That I was having the surgery
But I knew you'd try to talk me out of it
And if you did
Right now I'd have a toddler
Licking the keys of my baby grand
I'm sorry, Vance
But there are compromises in marriage
You married a strong-willed woman
Who loves antiques and canoeing
I married a man who'd make a horrible father
Yet loves children and small, incontinent animals
Compromises everywhere
But if you can't get these two demons
To stop terrorizing my house
Then you'll be forcing me to choose
Between two things I love
And I'm sorry, Vance
But if it's you or the credenza...
Well, it's a credenza
Need I say more?
Vance!
VANCE!
Vance...
VANNNNNNNNCE!
Get the dog off the credenza!
Are you insane?
Why are you just sitting there
With Mr. Miyagi off the credenza!
He already peed on the ottoman
Now you got him on the credenza!
I didn't get my lady business taken out
So that you could populate my house
With antique-ruining mixed-breed terriers!
I just caught Mrs. Peanut
Chewing on my piece of the Berlin Wall!
Why won't you talk to me?
Why won't you admit
That you're making me pay for not having children
By getting all these dogs
And pummeling my life with them?
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
That I was having the surgery
But I knew you'd try to talk me out of it
And if you did
Right now I'd have a toddler
Licking the keys of my baby grand
I'm sorry, Vance
But there are compromises in marriage
You married a strong-willed woman
Who loves antiques and canoeing
I married a man who'd make a horrible father
Yet loves children and small, incontinent animals
Compromises everywhere
But if you can't get these two demons
To stop terrorizing my house
Then you'll be forcing me to choose
Between two things I love
And I'm sorry, Vance
But if it's you or the credenza...
Well, it's a credenza
Need I say more?
Blueberries
I got your blueberries
You wanna try
You wanna try to get 'em
You wanna try my pie?
I got your booze
I got your pills
I got your nastiness
I got your bills paid
Laid out on the bed
Let's roll around on 'em
Let's make love
On our terminated debt
I made you a pie, babe
I dusted it up
From nothing at all
Just like I made up our love
Out of thin air and flour
And I have the power to heat it up
When it needs it
So is that what you need?
Just nod and I'll do it
I got an oven that does magic
And when your tragic new fling
Comes bringing your clothes to my door
I'm gonna turn that whore around
And send her back where she came from
Cause I ain't no bum who sits here all day
Staying high on the used cloud you gave me
Go ahead, baby
Try my pie
See if you can taste the blueberries
Of a woman whose luck is tainted
Painted blue by the blues she's been granted
Severely disadvantaged but not disabled
Able to table your problems
And solve 'em when I'm ready
Hold your spoon steady
Hate for it to slip
And strip your lip down
Right off your face
You like how clean I got the place?
You could put your face
Right into the floor
Then bring your whore over
And do her right here
While I sit here and watch
While I sharpen my knife
While I, your wife, wonder
What blunder I made
To make you trade me in
For a shinkicker who can't lick
The shine on my knee-highs
I could have made this home
For a guy who could see it
I'd be baking my pies
For someone who'd eat 'em
But that's okay, baby
I really don't mind
'Cause you're here now
And you're going to give my blueberries
A try
And they might taste like honey
And they might taste like nails
And they might taste like my tears
And they might taste like strychnine
Or they might just taste fine
But true to form
I'm going to hang back
And do what's right
I'm going to let you
Have the very first bite
You wanna try
You wanna try to get 'em
You wanna try my pie?
I got your booze
I got your pills
I got your nastiness
I got your bills paid
Laid out on the bed
Let's roll around on 'em
Let's make love
On our terminated debt
I made you a pie, babe
I dusted it up
From nothing at all
Just like I made up our love
Out of thin air and flour
And I have the power to heat it up
When it needs it
So is that what you need?
Just nod and I'll do it
I got an oven that does magic
And when your tragic new fling
Comes bringing your clothes to my door
I'm gonna turn that whore around
And send her back where she came from
Cause I ain't no bum who sits here all day
Staying high on the used cloud you gave me
Go ahead, baby
Try my pie
See if you can taste the blueberries
Of a woman whose luck is tainted
Painted blue by the blues she's been granted
Severely disadvantaged but not disabled
Able to table your problems
And solve 'em when I'm ready
Hold your spoon steady
Hate for it to slip
And strip your lip down
Right off your face
You like how clean I got the place?
You could put your face
Right into the floor
Then bring your whore over
And do her right here
While I sit here and watch
While I sharpen my knife
While I, your wife, wonder
What blunder I made
To make you trade me in
For a shinkicker who can't lick
The shine on my knee-highs
I could have made this home
For a guy who could see it
I'd be baking my pies
For someone who'd eat 'em
But that's okay, baby
I really don't mind
'Cause you're here now
And you're going to give my blueberries
A try
And they might taste like honey
And they might taste like nails
And they might taste like my tears
And they might taste like strychnine
Or they might just taste fine
But true to form
I'm going to hang back
And do what's right
I'm going to let you
Have the very first bite
Can't See the City From the Lights
I can't break my bad habits
On the backs of the cars
That go farther into the boulevards
Than I planned on traveling
Watch me unraveling on the pike
With the bike path showing me
My woman's wrath growing on me
Beyond me the silos
Pile on my back
And there's no track going
Where my rowing should be going
So knowing is something
I'm not capable of
And above me the sign blinks
Vacancy, Vacancy
And I see the city
Laid out like a fallen house
Of slightly bent cards
Where the rent checks bounce
And the shards of my phone list
Enlist new recruits
But I could be in Beirut
For how familiar it all feels
And repealing my ideals
Seems comforting somehow
Down on the north side
They tell me I'm the guy
But why would they lie
Just to see me smile
For awhile I think they're junkies
Who can shoot up
Other people's happiness
But what messes they get into
When their new woes set in
Blowing them to the beginning line
And rewinding them to the same time
When they were mired in passivity
And the best thing for me and them
Would be to say good-bye and then
Head off to higher ground
But I stick around
Why do I stick around?
Why?
Why do I sleep all day
Why do I eat and fuck all night
Why do I bother wearing glasses
When I can't see the city
From the lights
On the backs of the cars
That go farther into the boulevards
Than I planned on traveling
Watch me unraveling on the pike
With the bike path showing me
My woman's wrath growing on me
Beyond me the silos
Pile on my back
And there's no track going
Where my rowing should be going
So knowing is something
I'm not capable of
And above me the sign blinks
Vacancy, Vacancy
And I see the city
Laid out like a fallen house
Of slightly bent cards
Where the rent checks bounce
And the shards of my phone list
Enlist new recruits
But I could be in Beirut
For how familiar it all feels
And repealing my ideals
Seems comforting somehow
Down on the north side
They tell me I'm the guy
But why would they lie
Just to see me smile
For awhile I think they're junkies
Who can shoot up
Other people's happiness
But what messes they get into
When their new woes set in
Blowing them to the beginning line
And rewinding them to the same time
When they were mired in passivity
And the best thing for me and them
Would be to say good-bye and then
Head off to higher ground
But I stick around
Why do I stick around?
Why?
Why do I sleep all day
Why do I eat and fuck all night
Why do I bother wearing glasses
When I can't see the city
From the lights
He Doesn't Want a Woman
He wants a puppy
Who sits at his knees
And begs for treats
And pees on the rug
And bugs him all the time
He wants unconditional love
Above and beyond what should be asked
Tasks not presented to him, but requested of him
Of which he can deny or accept
And not be rejected for failing at them
He wants a lot of things
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants reclining chairs
Long flowing hair and fake tits
Bits of knowledge stuck in useless universal frontal lobes
Globes that open to reveal beer coolers
School girl uniforms that come out during sex
And next week's game already planned with the boys
He wants sex toys
He wants noise
Always noise
Lots of noise
He wants finger lickin' chicken
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants a castle to reign over
And paper cups you don't have to wash
But when you wash, you do the wash
Cause you're the lady
Shady circumstances tossed aside
He wants to ride it out with you
Until blue wrinkles show
That out he goes looking
For a new cooking fool
With even less rules than you
He wants a slut who keeps her mouth shut
But stayed a virgin until he met her
And with no hope of getting better
In any area besides home management
He wants to pay the rent but keep the place a mess
And never confess his shortcomings
Or have going too soon be a problem for you
He wants to go first
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants a dummy
He wants a tramp
He wants a trophy
He wants a wet rag
Who might as well have
A bag over her head
He wants to feel superior
In and out of bed
So basically
He must want a puppy
Cause he sure as hell
Doesn't want
A woman
Who sits at his knees
And begs for treats
And pees on the rug
And bugs him all the time
He wants unconditional love
Above and beyond what should be asked
Tasks not presented to him, but requested of him
Of which he can deny or accept
And not be rejected for failing at them
He wants a lot of things
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants reclining chairs
Long flowing hair and fake tits
Bits of knowledge stuck in useless universal frontal lobes
Globes that open to reveal beer coolers
School girl uniforms that come out during sex
And next week's game already planned with the boys
He wants sex toys
He wants noise
Always noise
Lots of noise
He wants finger lickin' chicken
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants a castle to reign over
And paper cups you don't have to wash
But when you wash, you do the wash
Cause you're the lady
Shady circumstances tossed aside
He wants to ride it out with you
Until blue wrinkles show
That out he goes looking
For a new cooking fool
With even less rules than you
He wants a slut who keeps her mouth shut
But stayed a virgin until he met her
And with no hope of getting better
In any area besides home management
He wants to pay the rent but keep the place a mess
And never confess his shortcomings
Or have going too soon be a problem for you
He wants to go first
But he doesn't want a woman
He wants a dummy
He wants a tramp
He wants a trophy
He wants a wet rag
Who might as well have
A bag over her head
He wants to feel superior
In and out of bed
So basically
He must want a puppy
Cause he sure as hell
Doesn't want
A woman
Why We Named the Iguana "Mom"
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because we found it vacuuming our room
And it vacuumed all the toys
Then laughed about it
Then it ate a kitten
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because it tucks us in at night
Then pushes open the windows with its tongue
Because it likes the fresh air
It also likes caramel ice cream
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because Dad is terrified of it
And because he gets hit by its tail sometimes
When he forgets to take off his shoes
Which happens a lot
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because when it gets too big
It has to go in the bathtub
And then we'll all have to stop taking baths
Some of us have already stopped
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because it's the coolest thing in the world
And because it's green
And because it makes us feel safe
But mostly because its eyes
Are on the side of its head
Because we found it vacuuming our room
And it vacuumed all the toys
Then laughed about it
Then it ate a kitten
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because it tucks us in at night
Then pushes open the windows with its tongue
Because it likes the fresh air
It also likes caramel ice cream
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because Dad is terrified of it
And because he gets hit by its tail sometimes
When he forgets to take off his shoes
Which happens a lot
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because when it gets too big
It has to go in the bathtub
And then we'll all have to stop taking baths
Some of us have already stopped
We named the iguana "Mom"
Because it's the coolest thing in the world
And because it's green
And because it makes us feel safe
But mostly because its eyes
Are on the side of its head
Bullshit Song
Ohhh let me hear this
Let me hear your bullshit song
The one you sing outside
When I'm all alone
Liking it that way
Loving you outside
And if I could
I would make the wind
Just a bit more chilly
Still I find myself nice and warm
In the thought of you outside
Trying to call me out
With your bullshit song
Go ahead
Tell me my eyes are nice
I know they're nice
They're mine
They're nice cause they're not yours
Cause they're not looking at you anymore
Cause they're not seeing you sorry
Hearing you lie
Trying to tell me
What I should see
And I'm glad you think I'm sweet
But actually
I'm exactly where 'sweet' and 'dumb' don't meet
So I guess that means you're out of luck
And you're out of time
And you're out of tune
Why don't you go sing
To somebody else
Okay?
Let me hear your bullshit song
The one you sing outside
When I'm all alone
Liking it that way
Loving you outside
And if I could
I would make the wind
Just a bit more chilly
Still I find myself nice and warm
In the thought of you outside
Trying to call me out
With your bullshit song
Go ahead
Tell me my eyes are nice
I know they're nice
They're mine
They're nice cause they're not yours
Cause they're not looking at you anymore
Cause they're not seeing you sorry
Hearing you lie
Trying to tell me
What I should see
And I'm glad you think I'm sweet
But actually
I'm exactly where 'sweet' and 'dumb' don't meet
So I guess that means you're out of luck
And you're out of time
And you're out of tune
Why don't you go sing
To somebody else
Okay?
Monday, September 14, 2009
Our 46th Wedding Anniversary
You cheap bastard
Don't tell me it's what you get
I don't care if it's what you get
Last year you bought me a beautiful sapphire
And this year I get original poetry?
What do I get next year?
BOOKS?
BOOKS?
After forty-eight years
You plan on buying me
The latest John Grisham?
I got you that book
About what you get for which anniversary
Because it was our thirty-sixth anniversary
And I wanted bone china
If I had known
That ten years later
You'd still have that stupid book
And that I'd be getting a poem which read--
'You're so swell
I'd go to Hell
If that was where you were
You make me smile
You turn my dial
You make a winner'
That's not even good!
Well nobody said YOU had to write the poetry
You could have had a poem commissioned
That still would have been a lousy gift
But at least I could have framed it or something
What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
And why is it written on a cocktail napkin?
And why is there lipstick next to it!
What's the year after next?
OPTICAL GOODS?
WHAT THE HELL ARE OPTICAL GOODS?
Are you going to buy me sunglasses?
When's the next time I get a real gift?
Do I have to keep you alive for the next forty-six years
Until I get something worth keeping?
You are going to take this poetry
And use it for what it's good for
WIPING DOWN THE NEAREST BAR!
And after you do that
Go out
And pretend it's our 100th anniversary
I believe for that one
I get a diamond
A big one
Don't tell me it's what you get
I don't care if it's what you get
Last year you bought me a beautiful sapphire
And this year I get original poetry?
What do I get next year?
BOOKS?
BOOKS?
After forty-eight years
You plan on buying me
The latest John Grisham?
I got you that book
About what you get for which anniversary
Because it was our thirty-sixth anniversary
And I wanted bone china
If I had known
That ten years later
You'd still have that stupid book
And that I'd be getting a poem which read--
'You're so swell
I'd go to Hell
If that was where you were
You make me smile
You turn my dial
You make a winner'
That's not even good!
Well nobody said YOU had to write the poetry
You could have had a poem commissioned
That still would have been a lousy gift
But at least I could have framed it or something
What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
And why is it written on a cocktail napkin?
And why is there lipstick next to it!
What's the year after next?
OPTICAL GOODS?
WHAT THE HELL ARE OPTICAL GOODS?
Are you going to buy me sunglasses?
When's the next time I get a real gift?
Do I have to keep you alive for the next forty-six years
Until I get something worth keeping?
You are going to take this poetry
And use it for what it's good for
WIPING DOWN THE NEAREST BAR!
And after you do that
Go out
And pretend it's our 100th anniversary
I believe for that one
I get a diamond
A big one
Stronger Than The Devil
If you touch the turtle
You grow spiritual wings
Made of hope and love
And the angels will bury
Their hearts into you!
Isn't that amazing?
My Mom makes me touch it everyday
She keeps it in the closet
And she says that it's a gift from God
Not just the store we stopped in
On the way back from Vermont
My Mom says God wanted us to find the turtle
And now that he has
We'll be free of our earthly bonds
She has an eye for those things
When I was four
She found me on a ferris wheel
Riding by myself
Because my parents had left me there
Because they were from the Devil
And the Devil leaves children alone
Which is the worst thing you can do to a child
So my Mom got me
And took me home wit her
And she said when I would look out windows
The sun would come out
And when I was sick
The clouds would form
And it would pour black rain from the sky
For a long time
I was sick a lot
And Mom said it was because the Devil
Was chasing us
And we had no guardians to protect us
Because God wanted to make us strong
To see if we were stronger than the Devil
That was when we found the turtle
And he's been our protector ever since
We also found a snow globe
And a bumper sticker
And a few small crystals
And they all protect us too
You should touch the turtle
My Mom says not to let anybody
But you're my friend
And I don't want anything to happen to you
So go ahead, touch it
You don't look stronger than the Devil
You grow spiritual wings
Made of hope and love
And the angels will bury
Their hearts into you!
Isn't that amazing?
My Mom makes me touch it everyday
She keeps it in the closet
And she says that it's a gift from God
Not just the store we stopped in
On the way back from Vermont
My Mom says God wanted us to find the turtle
And now that he has
We'll be free of our earthly bonds
She has an eye for those things
When I was four
She found me on a ferris wheel
Riding by myself
Because my parents had left me there
Because they were from the Devil
And the Devil leaves children alone
Which is the worst thing you can do to a child
So my Mom got me
And took me home wit her
And she said when I would look out windows
The sun would come out
And when I was sick
The clouds would form
And it would pour black rain from the sky
For a long time
I was sick a lot
And Mom said it was because the Devil
Was chasing us
And we had no guardians to protect us
Because God wanted to make us strong
To see if we were stronger than the Devil
That was when we found the turtle
And he's been our protector ever since
We also found a snow globe
And a bumper sticker
And a few small crystals
And they all protect us too
You should touch the turtle
My Mom says not to let anybody
But you're my friend
And I don't want anything to happen to you
So go ahead, touch it
You don't look stronger than the Devil
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)