Sarah Simon

-- This is how one would write for "Melrose Place." --

"Sarah Simon"

Funny story

I was with your boyfriend in the pool the other day
And he was telling me all about your unsatisfying sex life

How you never have it
How he always wants it
How so many other girls want to give it to him

And he's faithful
Which is sweet
But, let's be honest
Temporary

Sweet is always temporary

So

I made the decision to come talk to you about it
Because we live in the same apartment complex
And because you smiled at me once
When I was coming home from a lousy hook-up
And I appreciated that

Granted

It could have been a 'you're a skank and I feel bad for you' smile
But it was appreciated nonetheless

Can I ask you something?

When was the last time you had good sex?
And sweetie, I don't mean lovely sex
Lovely is a word for poets and greeting cards
I'm talking sex-sex

I'm talking sprained ankles
I'm talking broken lamps
I'm talking borderline scary sex-sex

When was the last time?

Too personal
Yawn, yawn
I'm over it

Here's my idea

Why don't you and Mitch come over to my place tomorrow night?
We can all have some wine
And I can give you some pointers

I'll admit
I'm not much for the ladies
Aside from cosmo parties and pedicure dates
But I'm willing to at least climb up on the diving board
And see how inviting the water looks
Before I make any final calls

Who knows?

Maybe you and Mitch are like a roller skate
Maybe you need a third wheel

Ohhh...

Don't be so shocked
This is L.A.
Shock died in '99

And I threw the first fistful of dirt
Right onto that coffin

So let me know if you change your mind
I'm just two over-priced apartments away

But remember this
While you think it over

You go to bed awfully early
And Mitch tells me you're a heavy sleeper
And me?

Sweetie, I'm a shark in the night
And I just love a midnight swim