If You're Still Crazy

Dear Mr. Mint,

If you're still crazy
Stop reading this now

There's no point in trying to do something sane
Like reading a letter
If you're still crazy

If you feel you might have achieved
Even the most basic level
Of normalcy

Then please, continue on

You know, I love your name
I always have

Walter Mint

Such a great name
Like something out of a short story
One with a twist, I suppose

Mr. Mint, I have to hand it to you
You've outlived everyone
Who ever knew anything about you

Except me

I remember you, Mr. Mint
I remember everything about you

So now here you are
Or there you are
Depending on how you look at it

Sitting by a window, I imagine
While doctors busy themselves around you
But not with you
They're not busy with you

There's nothing left to be busy with, is there?

Yes, I remember you, Mr. Mint
But do you remember me?
Do you remember who I am?

The doctors tell me--

Well, they tell me the truth
Because I pay them to

A hundred here and there
And pretty soon patient/doctor confidentiality
Goes flying right out the window

They tell me you do remember some things

You remember pistachio ice cream--your favorite
You remember Jasper--your dog
You remember my mother--your wife

But do you remember me?

They say you ask for her
They say you call her name out
Like she's just in the next room
Fetching you something

How is it that you can remember her
But I can't?

That just doesn't seem right

Would you like to know what I do remember?

I remember endless amounts of chores

Repainting rooms I'd painted the day before
Taking out the garbage when there was one empty can in it
Scrubbing those damn glass dishes
That I could never get clean

To this day I eat off paper plates

I remember being screamed at
Told I was whispering things
In the middle of the night

That I was trying to break you down
That I was trying to destroy you
That I was sent from the devil himself

Those things I remember

I remember being left places
Abandoned, having to find my way home
Sometimes not getting back for hours
And you sitting there
In that armchair
Looking at me

Clearly having forgotten about me
Until I'd walk through the door
And rather--

And this I love

Rather than admit
That it was you
That the problem was you

You'd look at me and say--

'Where have you been?'

I remember furniture being ravaged
In the hunt for imaginary money
Left by God knows who

I remember floorboards being pried up
Because there were supposed to be things under the floor
That were running around at night
Keeping you awake

It's the kid who's supposed to be afraid of monsters, Mr. Mint
Not the parent

Didn't anybody ever tell you that?

Do you know what they tell me?
Now, do you know what they tell me now?
These doctors who I pay
Who I pay to tell me the truth

Do you know what they say?

They say I can't blame you

CAN'T

They tell me I can't blame you

Because you weren't right
Because you weren't thinking logically
Because you were crazy

They call you crazy now
I mean, they don't
They don't use that word
It's not technical enough

But that's what they mean
They're saying I have to forgive you
Because you were crazy

Isn't it funny?

I knew you were crazy then
And so did you
And so did my mother, I imagine
And we never said it

None of us ever said it

We never dared mention it
And you never asked for help

How could you not ask for help?
How could you?

And I have to forgive you?
I have to get over it?

And now they take care of you
On my dollar
Because I'm your son
Because that's my job

You're being taken care of
And you're quite old
But the issue of crazy...

Well, they're not so sure

They know you're very old
They know you don't remember most things
They know you're nearing the end
They know you call my mother's name
They know you don't ever mention me

But as to whether or not you're crazy
That they can't tell me
That they don't know

So Mr. Mint, I'll say this

If you're still crazy
As you were then
In the days of my childhood
Those terrifying years

If you are still crazy
Then I forgive you
I forgive the crazy person
Because what good is forgiveness then?

What will it mean to you
If you still see ghosts and monsters
If I tell you that I forgive you?

But if you're not
If you've finally reached some level
Of sanity

Then Mr. Mint
I want you to know

I hate you

I hate you and I don't care
How crazy you were
It doesn't make me hate you any less

If you can understand anything
I want you to understand
That I understand
That no matter how crazy you were
Even a drowning man
Knows to grab onto a lifeboat

You cared more about not being crazy
Then you cared about your own son
And for that, I don't forgive you

I can't, actually
There's what I can't do

I CAN'T forgive you

So if you're still crazy
Then enjoy your last few days on this earth

If you're not
Then read this
And let the words sink in

Let them sink you down
Into the depths of hell
That I was in for most of my life

Because now I hear noises
Because now when someone's late I worry they're never coming
Because now I feel crazy

But I'm not

And if you're not crazy, Mr. Mint
Then you already know
What I've known for years
And what these doctors don't know

You don't need to feel bad for a crazy person
You should feel bad for the other
For that other person
That's always there

The wife
The child
The helpless on-looker

Always standing there
Watching the insanity
Getting so desperate
That sometimes they wish they could just jump

Jump right into it
Right into the madness
So they don't have to watch it
So they don't have to hear the noises
Anymore