Trading Natalie

Maria!

I'm so glad you're home
I've got spectacular news!

Remember the talk we had last night
Right before bed
About what we should do with Natalie

Well, I went online today
And found our solution!

At three thirty today
I traded our daughter
To a lovely family in Seattle

Apparently they raise Rottweilers
So they shouldn't have as much trouble with Natalie
As we've had

Now darling, don't cry
After all, we surely couldn't keep her

Regan wouldn't come out of her room
For fear that Natalie would spit pea soup at her

Ronnie had taken to carrying around a steak knife
Concealed in his teddy bear

And Nancy just cries
And cries
And cries

(We may have to give her away next)

Maria, we did not just LOSE a daughter
I would never just GIVE away our daughter
I TRADED her, Maria

There's a difference

In exchange for Natalie
We got this lovely vase
Two matching love seats
And season tickets to the opera!

Oh, I know you don't like baseball
But I like to think of that last one
As a little present just for Daddy

A finder's fee if you will

Natalie's new family will be able to give her
So much more than we could, Maria

Love, for one thing
They'll love her

(Or at least they'll give it a better shot than we did)

If nothing else
We know a love seat won't stand over us in the night
Chanting Gaelic curses

And just think of how easy it will be
To make all the other children behave now

'Regan, if you don't pick up your toys
Daddy's going to go online
And get that couch to finish the living room.'

We should have thought of this YEARS ago

Oh!

And I was smart enough to put in a clause
In the event that we actually start to miss Natalie
I didn't want us to suddenly regret this
And have to beg for her back

So every time we start to miss her
I had it put in writing
That the family would send us a video of her

A couple minutes of watching her get ready for school in the morning
And I think we'll feel a lot better
About this decision

Now--

What do you plan on making for dinner?