Mrs. Brugel's Syllabus

Hello girls!

Welcome to a brand new school year.

I see you're all looking over your syllabuses
Which is excellent

I love eagerness
Eagerness and shoulder rubs

That's something personal about me

Some teachers believe you shouldn't share personal things about yourself
Those teachers are called Ms. Hardlin
And she teaches Math
Which is not surprising
Since Math is a hateful subject
Filled with strict boundaries and limitations

I teach English
Which means we can all hug
And have brownies
And talk about Jane Austen

Who here has read Emma?

That's the first thing on the syllabus

We'll talk about 'Emma'
And then we'll practice match-making ourselves
Look around the room
And think of who here you'd like to match

Nelle looks particularly lonely, don't you think?
One of you must have a nice brother or cousin for her
Always fix up relatives, girls
Never give away a good-looking male friend
You never know when you might want them to be more

But since you can't date your siblings
Somebody should, am I right?

Girls, since this is private school
We can feel free to be religious

So when I say, 'Am I right?'
I want you to give me a big--

AMEN!

And if you don't think I'm right
Go down the hall
And have Ms. Hardlin teach you

The 'Ms.' means 'I'm single because nobody wants me.'
So never put 'Ms.' before your names girls
'Miss,' always 'Miss'

It sounds so much nicer, too
Doesn't it?

Second item on the syllabus!

'Flowers in the Attic'

The school wanted me to have you read 'The Catcher in the Rye'
But we don't need to do that
I can sum up 'Catcher in the Rye' in one sentence
Pencils ready
Here it comes--

'Wah wah sister lover wah wah hooker wah wah phoney wah wah...wah wah.'

Did you get that?

Congratulations
You understand 'The Catcher in the Rye'

'The Flowers in the Attic' is infinitely more interesting
Plus the sister loving is a lot more
Shall we say
Direct

Not that I condone incest
Although Mary, I've seen your stepbrother
And I just want to let you know
If they're not family before you're fifteen
They're fair game

Remember that

Next we come to 'Bleak House'

I've already got the movie in my Netflix que
So we should be all set

Then we're onto 'Shakespeare...'

'...in Love.'

Hahahahaha

You thought we were going to read Shakespeare!
Absolutely, of course
And while we're at it
Why don't we take turns stabbing each other with exacto knives?

Instead of Shakespeare
We'll be reading another prolific genius

Nora Roberts

If we have time before Christmas, we might even do J.D. Robb
But I can't make any promises

So that's our first semester!

I can already see some of you shaking with joy

Believe me, girls
The feeling is mutual