Missy Delivers

Okay, we're going to scream

Screaming is fine
We can scream
The doctor said we could scream

But Missy--

Honey?

Are you listening?

We're going to scream
But not punch
Like we did in the waiting room
Because we really hurt Daddy
When we punched him in the face

Okay?

I'm not talking in the baby voice, Missy
I'm just trying to keep you calm
Because stress is bad for the baby
Except when he's sixteen
Then he'll need it to get into a good college
Not like the one your sister went to

Breathe...

You're not breathing
I mean, you must be
Because you're alive
But you're not breathing correctly

Didn't we spend all that money on breathing classes
So that you would breathe correctly?
Wasn't that the point?

Missy
Hold my hand
Think of calm things
Think of Africa
Not the political upheaval
But the serene Serengeti

5...4...3...2...

We're good
Excellent
That was excellent

A+ for Missy, today
She's doing just great
Isn't she, doctor?

Missy
Are you sure you want a doctor
Who graduated from an S-T-A-T-E school?
I'm just wondering

I didn't even know S-T-A-T-E schools
Could give out medical degrees
That just doesn't seem right

Can anyone charge this camera for me?
I'm completely helpless when it comes to technology
Missy's father would do it
But he's unconscious
And now that there's fluid around
I'd really rather not wake him

. . . . .

Missy
Can I tell you a secret?

I don't remember your birth
I mean, I'm sure it happened
But one minute I was throwing things at your father
And the next I was out like a light

I woke up and there you were
I guess I had gotten a little rowdy
And the doctor had to sedate me
Or I would have killed everyone in sight
Including you as you were popping out

That's why I wanted to be here
And that's why I may have waited to tell James
That you had gone into labor
Because once he gets here
The mother goes out
And the husband goes in

So I just want to savor these moments

Breathe, Missy, breathe

You don't want to be the only woman
Who died of oxygen deprivation
While breathing life into the world

Now do what the doctor says
And I'll go call your husband

I hate to disturb him at work

Oh wait, he's a teacher
That's not really work
Under $50,000 a year is not work, Missy

How is he going to support--

All right, all right
I'm going

When your father wakes up
Tell him to fire up the camera
I'm not going to miss this one